Okay this is sort of linked to this http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?123910-Am-I-messed-up and another thread I made a few years ago. Anyway since last night, when ever I'm alone I start crying over everything that has ever upset me, no matter how long ago it was, but the main thing has been when my girlfriend dumped me (Back in Feb), I've been dumped in the past and I've been all 'Meh so what' but with her (My first female parter) I really do feel like my heart is breaking, and it doesn't help that I've had a lonely childhood/teen years (Being bullied by both family, other students and one or two teachers, as well as having no real friends until college) and some other really bad stuff but this isn't the site to talk about it. So I've started thinking of a few things. 1. What have I done wrong? I know I haven't been the most well behaved kid when I was younger, but sometimes I feel like I must have done something really bad to have to go though all this pain, was I evil in a past life or something? Or is it just my life purpose to feel so much pain? (I know people have been through much worst, just in case I'm sounding whiny) 2. Why haven't I gone mad yet? You'd think after 17 years have being bullied and all the other crap I've had to deal with, I would have done something that would land me a one way ticket to the mad house.... Is my will that strong that I'll held myself together and not ended up killing myself? 3. Why can I just turn them off? Due to what's going on right now and everything coming back to haunt me, I just want to turn off all emotions for a while, but I can only just try to hide them. I just really want to start my life all over again and try to avoid all this crap.
I don't know your issues in particular but I can offer this: There's nothing you really do that means you're going to have unfortunate/traumatic experiences. Some people are just dealt bad hands--most people, actually--it is not your fault and you should not blame yourself. But what matters is how you handle with the cards you're dealt. Maybe things seem ****** now, but I fully believe that every experience, good or bad, in the end, helps us. From the good, we learn what we want and have things to sustain us through the bad, from which we can often learn even more about ourselves. A life of all sunshine and rainbows would make us all vanilla and boring and awful. We need darkness to appreciate the light. On a related note, this really inspired me and I feel is relevant: The rest is definitely worth a read as well. The fact that you've not completely lost yourself is a sign of how strong you are. You should feel proud that you've fought these battles, regardless of how successful you've been in overcoming them. It's okay. You're young. You don't have to have everything figured out or be a 100% secure person, mentally and emotionally. Most people never achieve that. But you're fighting and with every breathe you take, every happy moment you have, you are winning. As for the emotions bit... I know it's tempting to say that it's easier to adapt a stoic state, but I have been there and I can tell you that it is not a healthy path. I really can't phrase it better than this: You have ups and downs and moments of intense emotion, but guess what? That's a sign that you're alive. You're feeling and in tune with your world. If there are things you are displeased with, you have the strength to change them, but you first need to discern what it is that is getting you down, and work to rectify it. In the meantime, all you can do is keep holding on, because there is so much out there for you in this world. You can make it. People struggle with depression (or any other disorder, or not even a disorder) and suicidal thoughts all the time, and unfortunately, some do succumb. But you don't have to be one of them.
Thanks you Misty, this part is what has put a smile on my face, knowing that I am strong, even when I feel at my weakest (Like now), I guess I really need is something to take my mind of life for a bit, but I need to find something first.
Concerning a first same sex relationship not going over well, all I can say is that no matter what the gender relationships don't always work out. Don't think it had anything to do with her being your first, there are more loving people to meet out there even if someways I even feel like that's impossible, but truly somewhere out there loves you in there own way, and for me I keep a small smile during the worst of times. But all in all, Misty says it all right, really. And you're right, you need an outlet or a distraction from everyday life that won't make you think about such things to give your mind a rest from it. I can only say try and go in a situation with a good attitude when you feel the verve to do so and just embrace it.
