I made a story and I want to know if I should go on with it.Somebody told me it sucked but I want to hear from some others. "My name is Fuyu.I am 14 years old and I'm ready to work sir."Said a young boy walking back and forth."No.No.They won't believe that.." The boy stopped and looked up."Oh mother.If only you where here to make life so much easier," The boy sighed and sat on the floor. The boy didn't have much money.Nor did he have any luck. His mother died when he was 10.Since then he been acting like others and being some one who older.He 13.His name is Chikao.When he was little his mother would sing him to sleep. With a song.A song with heart,Light and love.The 3 ways of life she would always say.His mother would never let Chikao cry.Or go alone into the town.You all know Sora,Riku,Roxas,Ventus and Aqua right? Well...One day on a shine day in hollow bastion.The heartless were attacking. Chikao mother was running home trying not to get in the way or get hurt.A heartless came out of now were. She fell to her knees yelling."Help!" Ventus heard he yell but when He got to her.It was to late.Her heart was already gone and she already vanish.Ventus didn't; know what to do so he told Sora.Sora went to the house where she lived in.He seen Chikao hiding under a table. Sora walked to Chikao."Hey kiddo." Said Sora.Sora pulled out his hand."I'm Sora." Sora said while smiling.Chikao looked at Sora."I'm Chikao." Chikao said.He got up and looked at Sora."Where's my mother." He asked.Sora looked down and shake his head."I'm sorry.But she died." Chikao start to cry."Wh-What?" Chikao looked at Sora then ran out of the ho house."Hey! Wait!" Yelled Sora.Sora ran after him. Chikao stop running and looked at Sora.Sora hugged Chikao."It gonna be alright." Sora said.Chikao start to cry. ~3 years later.~ Chikao been living with Sora,Ventus,RIku,Roxas and Aqua but he would always run away.The first time he ran away was 4 months after his mother death.It took about 3 weeks to find him.Another time he was 12.Aqua told him they found his father. But his father didn't want to meet him.So he ran off.Chikao was heart broken.So he ran away.It took 4 months to find him. Then on his birthday.He ran away.They can't find him anywhere.Right now Chikao is living in an abandon house down north. Meanwhile. Sora is looking every where for him while Roxas is running the shop.Roxas,Riku,Sora and Ventus opened up a shop. They really only sell food,Fake Keyblades and clothes. Not a big shop .Just something small. Roxas always would run it while Riku and Sora would go fishing to get some food.Ven would go down to village to get some apples things like that.Aqua work for the prince.He didn't like seeing heartless.So he hire Aqua to kill them all..The Prince was not to nice to anybody.He would yell at the cooks for not fixing his tea right. Sora and Riku would get back home at 6.Ven would be home by 8. While Roxas would close the shop by 5.Aqua would be home by 12.Chikao had a job working at the near by candy store. They would only open on Sundays,Fridays and Mondays,Nobody knew why.It made alot of money. Every would come when the boss gave out free soda with every buy. The boss was very tall with brown or black eyes.Nobody could tell.He was skinny and had red and yellow hair.Everybody would ask him why he dyed it red and yellow but all he would say is."Red is blood and yellow is the sun." Everybody would look at him and say he crazy.He didn't mind.He liked being called crazy.It made him feel happy I guess.Chiako didn't make much there. He would only work for 3 hours anyways.Then the boss would close up..Chikao was friends with a boy name Chikamasa..He was 1 year older then him.He was not very nice.If you didn't want to talk to him he wouldn't talk to you nor would he be nice to you.He worked at the shop with Roxas.He would help Roxas clean the store before they open and when ever somebody would break anything.Witch was every day. ~~~~ So what do you think so far? This is what Chikao looks like https://encrypted-tb...R4n9AuciNM0u2iQ And Chikamasa. https://encrypted-tb...lPn-RLWTfxCMjY- ~~~ So does it suck or ???
First and foremost, you really need to space after the periods. There are also a lot of grammatical errors within this. Other than that, it was an okay story. You really need to improve though, try typing this in OpenOffice or Microsoft Word next time.
First thing first I love your username lol. Hm I didn't see the grammar errors So I'll see about that later.Anyways thanks
And like I said, spacing after periods is the major problem here. Also, spacing between paragraphs too, please.
~This is taking off were I left off.~~If you don't know were i left off.~~[http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?120715-What-do-you-think-of-this-story.~/COLOR] Now I know what your thinking. Who is telling this story. Who is this person. Well my name is Lee. But more about that later. And don't you forget. ~I have to find a way to make them think I'm 14 and I didn't run away from home. I thought to myself, I need money and I need to make sure nobody finds me. I walked to a broken mirror and tried fixing my hair. It stilled didn't look like it was washed.I sighed and walked out. Should I just go back home? No I can't. I just gotta find the man who started this. This,"Heartless." The, "Nobody." I want to kill him like the way he killed my mother. Sora always told me. "Why are you mad? She in a better place now." Sora is not smart so he think that made me feel better. When I got the stop and shop. I seen the help wanted sign was token down. So it looks like I'm not getting that job. I walked back to "House." And seen a girl with... Ears. Not like any another kind of ears.... ~ Chikao walked to the girl, He put his hand on her shoulder. The girl quietly turn to Chikao. She pulled out a knife from her boot and aimed it at Chikao. Chikao jumped and moved back. "F***." Chikao yelled as he moved back. The girl look Chikao. "Who are you?" She asked as she moved closer to him. Chikao step back. "I was about to ask you the same." Chikao said. The girl smiled and put her knife back in her boot. "I'm Nam's. Real name Naomi. Nice to meet you." Naomi said. Chikao looked at Naomi. "I'm Chikao." Chikao walked passed Naomi. Naomi turn to him and walked with him. "Where are you going?!" Naomi yelled. Chikao stopped and look at Naomi. "Home. Why?" Naomi smiled. "Your the one who lost his mother! Your the one with the keyblade to!" Naomi yelled. She put her arms in the air . ~~~~~~~ To late to make the next part. I'm still new to writing. I guess. Anyways If you have any tips. Feel free to tell me. Thank you and have a nice day. Naomi, Chikao, Or this. I don't know. I'm still thinking about. Pics not by me.
