'All is fair in love and war' - Francis Edwards Part 1: Memories of worse days It could've only been a year, maybe a lil less. May not know when but what happened....ahhh, I won't forget it...nor us... It was the first time I was visiting the rural village of Kashmir, named for its beautiful and top quality clothes, made hand-in-hand by the dedicated local workers. I was looking for a job here, news had been heard by travellers that bandits were seen heading towards, about 30 in all. These locals of Kashmir were no fighters, only workers. The only local law enforcement was a war veteran, said to be a good warrior, but the towns folk knew that the veteran couldn't take on all the bandits. That’s why I was hired. I'm a mercenary. Getting paid for any dirty job they don't want to do. And this was one of them. When I got too the village, the atmosphere, in the rainy weather of May, was familiar. I've been on enough battlefields to know what fear, pain and death tastes like, and the air reeked of it. While strolling through the vacant streets, a funeral of a young child came into view. Though as hard as it was to believe for me, that the whole village wasn't respecting of the life of someone so young and pure, the funeral was only attended by two people. The Elder of the village was chanting and praying to the child and beside the child's small coffin, was a women, dressed in full silver armour, many cuts and scratches lay on it's surface and even one upon her cheek, a scar left by a blade. The rain had beaten down any sort of compassion on anyone’s face, the women in armour may have been crying, but the rain made anything possible, hitting hard on my skin, it reminded me of my reason for being here, and walked gradually towards the funeral. The village Elder looked up at me, gesturing with his hands to pray. I followed his request and prayed. Strange for one such as me a unholy person so to say. A man doesn't live his life with no regrets; a man regrets his wrongs and tries to make them better. I am not that man. I regret nothing, I regret no people I have hurt or killed, sons I have killed, brother's I have killed, the fathers i have killed, they mean nothing. I got my job done that is all that matters, the payment is what’s been keeping me alive for years, but the funny thing is, inside am I really alive...? The cracking sound of thunder woke me from my thoughts. The Lady in Armour had gone, already filled the hole of the child’s coffin. The Elder was still there staring at me through his wrinkled eyes; maybe he was trying to see me, with what little vision he had left. I let my arms drop to my side, turned and bowed to him, “Sir, I am here too solv--” I stopped. His open handed was placed in front of my face. “It is raining, and cold,” He explained in a slow and gentle voice, “Follow me to my home” With that he walked with his cane in hand slowly but surely to one of the rural buildings in town. “Chop, chop, you don’t want to catch your death out here now.” I could only but agree with him, and follow behind, my head hanging down, gazing towards the frail man in his ancient robe that seemed to exceed his frame, my long hair whipping my cheeks each step I took. ----------------------------------------------------------------- I'm rusty with writing stories and this just came to mind so I thought I might aswell try. ANy comments on what is good or bad is great.
Taking into account your absence from writing this wasn't so bad. I got the feeling of the story and an understanding of the tone. It interests me and although it could be better told, it is satisfactory, I guess. There are many spelling errors and sentence structure problems pop up along the way, but technical problems are less important than the core story and story telling methods if they are small enough. So, work on it some more and make sure you're using the right spelling and sentence structure when writing this out. There are some elements of the story itself that I'd personally change but that is an opinion call and has little to do with how good this is.
This story has a lot of history and depth into the tone, and from what I gather, it is an amazing piece. There are some spelling errors, however, I like and would like to see more of your work! Keep up the good progress!!
THank yuo for all the possitive feedback, and will take in everything. I'll get the next one up in aroun a week, I'm going away so i'll start again when I get back.
Back from my vaction I hope I can keep up with the story after leaving it for a week, since I forgot all my ideas for it! XD Hopefully my use of English is better around halfway through, since I did the first half before I went away and the second after comeing back and reading (part of, it is a damn long book) Romance of The Three Kingdoms again, and so this part of the story may sound different halway through, before anyone mentions it. Enjoy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ‘Better to wrong the world, than the world wrong me’ – Cao Mengde Part 2: Looking into the Beast We both sat down at the wooden table in the Elder’s house, a combination of brick and hard work was made to build the place. I was given what the Elder called ‘Green Kashmir Tea’ made from local herbs and a popular choice for travellers. I drank its warm and creamy texture. Tasted more like grass than grass, still it was warm, and after the rain outside that still continued it was refreshing. I placed the cup on the table still holding it in both hands looking at the thick liquid. “Who was that funeral for?” I asked to break the silence. “The coffin seemed so small.” The man turned his head towards me, with many clicks from his neck following, “I do not know his name”, the Elder sipped on his own cup to wet his mouth. “No name? What about his parents?” The Elder shook his head “The lady in Armour found him lying on the side of a road, beaten and broken, we searched for any sign of others but he was the only one” “I’m sorry to hear that…” I said in such a cold tone, death never meant anything too me, why should it now? “I did give him a name though; our funerals state we chant to the skies the person’s name.” “What did you name him?” “Xiao, it means Laughter.” I could only make an affirmative grunt towards that. It is true this boy should have been laughing and playing like all other children, but it was not meant to be it seemed. “Hahahahaaa!” The old man chuckled loudly. “But your not here for that are you” “No, I guess you already know why I am here” “Of course, not many people who travel to Kashmir come with a sword, knife and bow and arrows.” I nodded, it seemed obvious that only travellers and merchants would ever come here, it was no where near any big cities and quite remote, though only type of person similar to me to come here would be hunters of the wild animals in the area. “You know this isn’t a solo job, correct?” This caught my ear; nothing about company was ever mentioned in the job. “You believe I will fail? Why did you hire me for this job if I am to have company around?” Still emotionless as ever, I spoke these words to him. “You youth are too headstrong!” He bellowed at me, with a fierce tone of voice. “You are getting paid correct?” I looked back at the cup, knowing full well the pay was close to a small fortune, and should not have corrected him. I could only grunt in acceptance. In a stern voice the Elder continued, “You will take along a Hunter, as a guide, he knows the area, and will keep you alive.” Keeping me eyes fixed on his fat lips, I followed each word, replying with. “…If that is what you wish, old one.” “I will need some food for the journey too their camp, my sword needs to be tempered by your blacksmith and one more thing…” I paused. “Yes” He asked. “A woman…” I said sternly. “A Woman!?” He said shocked at me. “This is no time to be thinking about that! You have a job! Your not here for a week away to rest” “Please sir, my intentions are noble, no harm will come of here, and she will not be soiled by any man.” I pleaded bowing, on my knees. The man but stared at me, pondering I suspect, while stoking his long magnificent beard. “You have true fire in your eyes” He started. “Burning with determination and courage, you are a true warrior and hero to young children’s eyes.” He grinned delightfully. “But you are not the same hero in the eyes of one who has lived over a century, you do not deceive me. I bowed even lower till my head hit the floor, I was too scared to show the fear on my face, that this man knew me from first glance. “You have done many wrongs to the world, though the old saying goes ‘Better to be wronged, than wrong the world yourself.’ You are no true warrior.” He paced his wide house, and looked away from me. “But you will do. Take my grand-daughter, she will be the beauty, and you, beast, will keep her safe.” I grunted affirmatively. He sent for his grand-daughter, a beauty she was, skin like soft petals, hair like the silk of Kashmir and light blue eyes that sucked you in. And this beauty is the work of the old man? I couldn’t believe it; the wife of the old man must have had to make up for his genes.
No real problems I suppose. You could seriously do to flesh out your character a bit more, I understand the coldness and self deprecating acceptance of the above as well as the enigmatic presence, but it's a bit overdone pull it back a bit and let subtlety be your friend. Also, sentences should be structured properly whenever possible, don't put together words that don't want to be. "We both sat down at the wooden table in the Elder’s house, a combination of brick and hard work was made to build the place." The highlighted portion is incorrect in some way, how? You can't make hard work, that doesn't fit. Recheck for grammar and sentence structure before posting, wrong grammar can be forgiven by some but not others. The chapter or section, whatever it is ends too abruptly and gives not sense of a pause, consider where you stop a section, it really makes a difference. I don't think there's anything else I have to say, keep improving yourself.
I understand, I will try to take this into consideration in the next part, though it is hard for me to change my writing I will see what I can improve. THank you for reading.
