So yeah, I'm new here, so...Hai. Anywho, the thought of starting my own fiction just came to me, it was basically an idea that I had a while back, when being put on a GSCE assignment to write about memories, in which I had to stretch to the very depths of my mind for some to pick out. You see, I don't have a very interesting life. I used to though, so you can rely on the older memories that fit between the 5-10 years ago category. xDD; When I get assigned to write about a specific thing, I tend to quickly fluctuate between tasks, and my mind just starts to steer to different priorities, it's like I'm almost having a 'Daydream-Brainstorm' in the process, despite writing about something completely different. And that's basically how this concept came around. Besides off-topic-ness, I hope this works out. =D -Prologue- "Those who look far beyond materialism and immediate reality will most certainly achieve enlightenment and welcoming to the vastness of the soul." The sky was of a dull grey, musty color, which suited the season. It was a typical autumn evening, and many had retired from the unforgiving environment of the outside. Two silhouettes could be seen from a distance away, in a vast open field which seemed to have nothing but worn, frosted grass. The air was sharp, dense, and cold to the touch and taste, and puffs of carbon dioxide could be seen fading from the mouths of the figures. All that seemed to be preventing complete silence was the light whisper of the autumn wind's pursuit. 'Achi, why are we out here? you've been silent since we left the house.' '...' 'Achi, you dragged me out here while the latest episode of death note was on, I think I deserve to know what's going on...Achi?' '...' One figure appeared to be digging, thrusting his shovel into the worn, soft soil which had been affected by a spell of rain earlier. He continued to dig with much consistency, despite the speed and power being driven into it. Suddenly, the silence was broken by a sharp sound of a clang, made by the reaction of the shovel hitting something that appeared to be metal. The figure's face began to lighten up vividly. 'Yes! I've got something!' With much excitement, the figure kneeled down onto two legs and began to perpetually shovel his hands into the hole he had just made. The object soon appeared to be a worn coffin. The figure wiped the soil off a part of the coffin to see a plate with the initials 'XVII' carved out of it. The figure's face lightened with even more overflowing emotions of excitement. 'Maria! Maria! Come here! I found it, We found it! That old man was right!' The other figure rushed over and kneeled over by the male. 'Achi, I'm cold...' The male turned his face to the female beside him, not even trying to contemplate what she just said. 'Yeah, great, great! C'mon maria, help me get this coffin out, would you?' The two figures proceeded to drag the coffin out of the hole in the ground. It was unusually light for a coffin, which seemed to be strange to the two people. Despite this, the boy made no reluctances to opening the coffin with such great force. The question of what was in the coffin, was simply another story. There was nothing. Not a body, not a decaying figure nor skeleton, not even a speck of dust. All that was contained in the coffin was a thin layer of red silk which was nailed down to one of the boards in the coffin. The boy's face and emotions immediately transformed to that of a hybrid between both extreme disappointment and sheer confusion. He was completely silenced, left to simply stare at the empty, seemingly meaningless coffin, with his jaw hanging below his face. 'Achi, What's wrong?' the little girl asked with no knowledge of the current situation. The boy completely ignored her. '...I don't believe he sent me out to find...an empty coffin.' he finally silently whispered, his voice affected by both the sheer cold and his emotional status. He stood up, swiped the shovel off the ground, and hurled it in the air in a silent rage. He could hear the shrill 'thump' of the shovel landing in a distant part of the field. 'Achi, Seriously, what's wrong with you? You haven't told me anything.' The girl said in response to the Boy's abstract change of behavior. The boy continued to ignore the female talking to him. 'Theres gotta be something in here. I know that old fart, he plays tricks. He wants me to find something...I just...I just know it!' The boy then proceeded to search the coffin with aggression. he flexed his fingers around every corner and moved his hands around every part of the coffin until he heard a shallow creaking of the boards, more specifically, on the board in which the layer of red silk was nailed down. 'Theres something below the boards!' exclaimed the boy, in response to the hollow creaking. He placed his fingers in a small increment of the outer edge of the board and proceeded to pull with all his might. The board consequently snapped off and the boy was thrust back slightly, as if the recoil of a gun had hit somebody with force. There was indeed something below the particular board; a small gem in a strange shape, almost appearing to look like a tribal symbol somewhat. 'Okay Achi, I'm really getting irritated that you're letting me out of the pictu--' the girl stopped in the middle of her sentence, prying over the coffin to see the gem, which seemed to glow in a slightly eerie way. Almost as if the gem had some sort of power compressed inside it. 'Hey Achi, have you seen this?' She asked the boy. Regaining his balance and composure, he looked in the coffin and saw the same shining gem. Once again, his emotions began to steepen, however with more confusion this time round. Nonetheless, he picked it up. The gem seemed to radiate in his muddy and sweaty palms, in a way that was almost as if it had a mind of it's own. The boy took an extreme interest in the gem, examining it in his hands from all angles and perspectives before placing it into one of his small pockets in his worn ragged trousers. 'Achi, what do you think it is?' The girl asked, still confused of the entire situation at hand. 'I'm...not sure, myself, so I can't make any statements.' he replied, with his hand still lightly touching the gem in his trouser pocket. 'One thing's for sure though, Old Man Gorgoreno is sure to know something about it. I mean...He's the one that sent us out here, and I'm sure he sent me to find this.' 'Correction, Achi, He sent YOU out here to get it. You just dragged me out here, like you always do.' The girl gave him a slightly irate look. '...C'mon, lets just go and find him.' he replied, again barely listening to what she had just said, and began to walk off the field. The girl dashed and catched up with him, and they both began to journey in the direction of an old man's house. "The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.” --------------------------------------------- -Chapter 1- Revalation "As for the future, your task is not to foresee it, but to enable it." It was quite the journey to Old man Gorgoreno's house, and many found it significantly tiring after an amount of time. The journey mainly consisted of an extremely long and winding pathway, entitled "Traveler's end", and the name was self explanatory, because many found that they couldn't complete their journey due to it's remarkably large size. However, we are forgetting that both Achi and Maria are...special cases, shall we say? their strong and inevitable conciense brought them to their destination, and without fault nor inconsistency, mind you! ...Okay, tell a lie. Maybe they did have a bit of problem along the way. 'Ugh...Ahh...Okay, Okay, we REALLY need to stop, Maria.' Achi found himself weakly lulling himself on his knees in fatigue, huffing and puffing up a typhoon. They had walked about 5 miles, and spent 3 hours along this pathway which seemed to mock and pierce the horizon with it's amazing distance. Maria just looked at him, blandly, like she couldn't understand why he was suddenly so tired. She had walked the entire way so far without feeling a single gland of tiredness. 'Maria...Do you have...W-Water?' Achi spat out, barely making his words even remotely comprehensible. 'Um...Sure, I think.' she replied, letting a blind hand go behind her back and take the straps of her bag off her shoulders. She then started digging and feeling inside it, until she felt something ice-cold and slightly heavy. She pulled it out, and passed it to achi, who simply threw his arm at her to recieve it. He then lunged the bottle above his mouth and guzzled about 3/4 of the bottle in one unconventionally loud gulp. Maria simply looked back and chuckled, and Achi did the same. After about 15 minutes of a break, they continued on their journey again. Wait...Wait...Oh dear. Oops. My sincerest apologies. I've just realised that I never made any introductions! I'm the...Um...Narrator. My name is of no importance, and neither is my existence in this story. M-Move along, Move along. But perhaps you've been wondering for a while now, "Who in blazes are these people with such Abstract behaviour?! Well, let me get you aquainted. "Hey Maria, why have you got that look on your face?" Achi is a boy of 16 years of age, and lives in a small village in the outskirts of Korea. He is extremely well built, and remarkably mature for his age. His hair is short, dark and wavy, he has brown eyes, and his face has a few specks of freckles. His parents had died at an early age, due to a tragic fire that was always referred to as somewhat suspicious. Many theoried that it was purposely done to murder them, despite there being no suspicious suspects. Achi is normally talked about within controversy and sometimes, irritating sympathy to people who don't know him well, because of this. People saw something in Achi as he grew up, he was an extremely energetic boy as he developed, and had this aura about him which seemed to scream "Adventure! Pursuit! Action!". He was always noted for his strength, which seemed to excel compared to people of the same age as him. He is confident, determined, and his will-power never fails to keep him continuing in the end. 'Uh...I think I hear a voice in the sky talking about us.' Maria is a small, beautiful, frail, and charming young girl of 12 years of age. She has dark and wavy long hair, similar to that of her brother, Brown eyes, and a face of pale white. She is Achi's smaller sister, and consequently best-friend since she was born. Her and Achi always stayed strong together when they both were young, due to their parent's deaths, and the outcome of this is a strong, developed, and unbreakable bond between them. Her charm, friendliness, and all around cuteness had always got her popular with the people around her, as opposed to Achi, who was of a much more obstinate nature. Her ignorance and youth can usually get her out of many problems with people, as it appears cute to many around her. 'Hey, you're right...I can hear somebody too! It's talking about you!' ...Oh crap. '...Well, I can't hear it now. Maybe it was just our imagination, aye?' The two continued on their journey, and not too soon, met their eyes with not more scenes of perspective-penetrating-pathway, but a small circled crop of trees. The two ruffled their way through them, to find a pathway to a small beaten house, made of wood. A sign nearby also complimented the scene, with the words "GO AWAY." written on it in childish scrawls. 'Looks like we found our guy.' Achi laughed, looking at the sign. 'Let's go knock.' The two perched onto the doorstep to the house. And knocked on the door. They were left waiting for a few minutes, but the door soon slowly opened in response. 'Hah...Looks like you've arrived. I knew you would come soon enough.' "When we reach our destination, all sorts of surprises could be in store." --------------------------------------------- -Chapter 2- Assumption “Ignorance…is bliss.” It came to no surprise that both Achi and Maria were both flabbergasted when they had met eyes with “Old Man Gorgoreno” for the first time. And I’m gathering that the first impressions that entered their minds within 2 seconds of conveying eye contact with the man was along the lines of… “This guy’s nuts.” “...So…Much…Walking…For this.” “Please don’t kill me.” The man was quite the spectacle, but in the negative, less glamorous way as such. He was draped in overwhelmingly long robes that covered his entire body, apart from the sleeves which exposed his frail, thin, lengthy fingers which had nails as sharp and long as fruit knives. The robes were completely black, which made him almost look like a materialistic silhouette. His face was the most intimidating part; it was completely wrinkled to the point that it just looked like a creased piece of clothing. His eyes were clearly visible, however, and saying that they didn’t make a dramatic effect on them also, would be an understatement. His pupils were scarlet, and dark, and were always glaring. The man overall looked like he was a veteran vampire who had just awakened. Achi and Maria just blankly gazed at him like he was about to eat them. They all paused until the old man finally decided to speak. “…I take it my appearance troubles you, by the irate and intimidated look on your faces. I mean no upset towards you.” Achi and Maria just paused, turned their faces, and looked at each other instinctively. “Come, Come in.” The man spoke again, drawing his arm inside the door. The two obliged, but reluctantly. “I trust the surroundings of this house won’t intimidate you…?” The two found themselves now in a dim hallway, which looked like it was of a more posh, higher class surrounding. The room was full of decoration. Portraits were nailed on each side, symmetrical in position. The figures of the portraits seemed to be almost scarily similar to Old man Gorgoreno. Same draped robes, same almost shrouded face, same volatile expressions and crimson-colored eyes. It was almost like the portraits were of members of a cult following. The two, disturbed by the surroundings and decorations, simply stood silent and waited the man’s further converse. The man walked to the end of the corridor, where there was two doors on corresponding sides. The man opened the one on the left, and the one on the right. ‘Choose.’ The man then walked into the one on the right, his visibility slowly fading, until he became a figure in the darkness in the room that followed. ‘This guy must either be senile, or has just lost the majority of his brain cells in some accident.’ Achi said blankly, with an expression that could be described as nothing else but completely abysmal. ‘So…Which door do we pick?’ ‘Something tells me we should enter the left.’ Maria replied. ‘I mean, he went into the one on the right, so he expects us to go into the same one as him, wouldn’t he? It might just be my “little girl’s intuition”.’ ‘Hmm…You could be right.’ The two cautiously approached the door on the left, as if there was some monster awaiting them in the room that followed. Achi grabbed hold of the door and slowly opened it. “Oh god, If only I wasn’t so gullible.” The two entered the room, to surprisingly discover that both doors led to the same room, and the room simply looked like it was your typical lounge, completely contrasting to what they had seen so far. The man exploded in hysterics, looking at the abnormal expressions on the couple’s faces. “Ahahahaha….I’m sorry. I just wanted to make things interesting…You did walk all the way over here you know.” The old man was found near the fireplace, polishing one of his possessions, a vase, to be precise. Achi, completely angered by the lack of the man’s all around seriousness, stomped his foot on the floor and looked like he was about to break the old man a new one. “Look, is this some kind of stupid hoax?! We walked all the way over here because YOU set me on a task to find my great uncle’s body.” He placed his hand on the coffee table in front of him in a stern way. “So get to the point. You hear?” The man stopped and looked back at Achi, averting his eyes to Achi’s face. His expression slowly turned from a primitive look to a grim, yet sly smile. “Ignorance…Ah. Ignorance is…Bliss, don’t you think?” Achi backed away in surprise to the old man’s response. “Wh-What?” “You seek to know the truth of your surroundings, but your obstinacy…keeps you from that…interesting, interesting.” The man began to step towards the two, never averting eyes off Achi the entire time.. Maria just looked like her brain cells had gone fishin’. As per usual, she had no idea what was going on, which is why she kept completely silent. “Look, what on earth are you talking about? What do you want? I got you what you wanted, Right?” Achi placed a hand into his pocket and took out the radiating gem, then cupped it in both his hands. “Isn’t THIS what you wanted?” The man finally drew his eyes towards the gem, and immediately snatched it out of Achi’s hands, as if it was some extremely prized possession. He then placed it in one of his own pockets, his expression now looking like he had found his long lost mother…or something along those lines. “I’d like to show you something. Follow me, you two.” The man followed the double down to a basement, where a latch resided below a purposely-placed rug. The man opened the latch, to reveal a secret opening underground his home. A ladder awaited them to take them down. “You might want to prepare yourself, rest assured, this is not another one of my…Heh…Tricks.” “Be alert of your surroundings. Always.”
Woah...you're good kiddo. I like the words in Italic at the end. At least you know how to describe well, and make things interesting. Welcome to KHV....just for that story *reps* Sorry, I can't really present any critique, it was very clean and tidy.
Wow, Thanks. :3 Anyway, Hopefully I should get a full chapter done and posted by the end of this week. Right now I'm just trying to seek inspiration. ._.
Here....It's not right to double post....not that it matters much. But it will get you of trouble.... And Since I want to see where this goes.
Chapter 1 is now done. I'm not sure I made the correct move, and I've definitely implied less seriousness upon the plotline, compared to that of what i wrote in the prologue. Hope you enjoy it, though.
Very Original and greatly funny. I was laughing so much when the character's recognized the narrator, and even more so with the "Oh crap..." part. that was great, really not what I expected, but great nonetheless. As it turns out a prologue can turn into so many things.
I can't give you any critique, as I've said you surpass me, I can't find anything wrong. :) I will say that I'm puzzled as to why you divert from "this" to 'this' in dialouge; I normally never see that, but I believe its just something aesthethic. Spoiler Most good stories ARE ignored, while the less-elaborated ones are a the most recognized...There are exceptions. If you write a KHV story, expect people to see it. >.>;
Hey this is NOT criticism but if you think your stories are good enough to put on the internet why not publish them so that even old people who can barely work a tv can read them too?
Actually, that was a mistake on my part. xD Usually I use apostrophes for speech marks because I'm used to that, I always used to do so when taking part in Roleplays. My english teacher did suggest that a while ago. but I barely know the ins and outs of the book publishing business. I wouldn't know where to start. Plus, I don't think I'm good enough to be writing professionally, I usually do it as a hobby and a cure for boredom. ._. And I put them on the internet to get feedback and criticism, in hopes to improve my writing in the near future.
Read Elements of Style and Eats, Shoots, and Leaves. Your premise is good but you do not have a firm grasp of sentence structure, word usage, or grammar. Continue working towards improvement. Also, it is not aesthetic to use " " rather than ' ', it's correct English in the States because the two things mean different things.
Hey guys. I'm sorry if this is regarded as a bump, But I just want to inform you that I havent given up on this(Besides, only 2 chapters have been written). So anyway. I will get to writing chapter 3. It's just the fact that life among other things has gotten in the way of continuation of this story. I will get to it though. :3
