Valdeaunia

Name: Selirae Fealtos

Age: 19

EDIT: Sex: F

Appearance: Selirae is perfection manifested or at least that is what she claims. In truth, she is lovely young woman of average height (5'4”). Gracefully long limbed with lush curves, Selirae maintains her figure with ease. Her pale blonde/white hair falls to mid-back, however typically she keeps her hair up. Selirae's strongest feature are her wide eyes, which are an unusual shade of gray and surrounded by long, black lashes. Her delicate facial features are perfectly aligned. Overall, she looks the part of a courtesan or noble.

Magick Ability: Level 3 (Water and Wind). Her mastery of these elements are quite basic especially considering that she went to the Institute of Alchemy.

Job Class: Technically she has an alchemy license, but she does not work as one. Heck, she doesn't work at all.

Noble/Citizen: Citizen (Her birth is illegitimate hence she is not considered noble.)

District: Verlest (This will change to Estavel either during or after first post.)

Alignment: good

Background/History/Personality:
Selirae's mother, Avelyth Fealtos was herself a daughter of a common woman and a noble. Avelyth's great beauty and style allowed her to become a popular courtesan. She knew the game well enough to earn a good living, however beauty eventually fades and Avelyth decided that she needed some insurance. This is how Selirae comes into the picture. After capturing the attention of one of the richer noblemen (Seleran Hythenos), Avelyth allowed herself to become pregnant with his child (Selirae). Seleran was generous with his financial support of his illegitimate daughter, however he expressed little in the child or the mother. Avelyth's ploy had failed.

Selirae only met with her father at the parties she attended with her mother. These meetings were awkward such that she ceased her attempts to gain his attention and begun avoiding him early in her childhood. This suited Seleran as well. He continued to offer generous financial support even when she became an adult, Selirae never turned down the allowance (as most of her peers receive allowances from their parents as well, she saw it rightfully hers).

Her relationship with her mother is somewhat strained and the pair have never been particularly close. Avelyth alternatively neglected and spoiled her daughter. She took pleasure in showing off her daughter's appeal while Selirae was still young. Avelyth's profession was often at odds with her daughter's presence. When Selirae knew her mother had a patron coming, she either bothered her peers to allow her to sleep over or hung out at one of the local shops. Two of the owner's of the local shops took pity on her and taught her a bit of their trade to keep her entertained. Thus Selirae learned the rudiments of clothing design and mechanisms, which remained interests of hers into adulthood.

As Selirae got older, Avelyth begun to see her own child as competition. So she sent her daughter off to the Institute of Alchemy in the hopes that it would keep her daughter away from her own profession. The tactic was pointless because the endless flow of men in Avelyth's life disgusted her daughter such that Selirae had no interest following her mother's footsteps.

In school Selirae was a disinterested student only doing the minimum to pass her courses. Many of her classmates were noblewomen, who showed little interest in befriending an illegitimate child of a noble, not to mention a courtesan's get. The result was that Selirae learned to shrug off criticism and developed a distaste for gossip.

Personality: Selirae is a slacker, only pursuing her interests. She is intelligent and exceptionally knowledgeable about politics, however she detests pandering to people's egos and as a result will never go far in that sphere. She tends to be blunt hence ruining many potential friendships, but on the other hand she tends to be a good judge of character. She has a playful streak that particularly shows around her close friends, she tends to be more guarded around nobles she doesn't like or know well.


Bleeeh, it is not as clear and detailed as I would like, but it should be adequate for now.


DEMO:


“Checkmate,” a sultry contralto voice lilted pleasantly. Selirae leaned back into overstuffed chair, pleased with herself. Pale lids drooped over dark gray eyes as she relaxed and savored the sound Kalerath's soft cursing. Kelarath was a slender youth of the Talerris house. Raven-haired with dusky skin and piercing green eyes, he followed the canons of his house. While not defective in his appearance, he had one deficient that made him the black sheep of the family and that was his lack of concern for his social status. It was this precisely that made him a good friend for Selirae, who's heritage was inferior to most of her peers.

“And I thought a graduate of the Vadeaunia Academy would be skilled at chess. After all chess is essentially a war game. I know they teach basic military strategy at the academy,” she teased, opening one eye to peek at him. He was pouting boyishly, arms crossed over his chest in angry denial.

“It is not the same thing at all!” He rose swiftly and paced over to the elegantly carved table which held several pastries and refreshments. Kalerath took his time selecting a pastry suitable to his tastes. He suddenly turned and flung the cream puff at her head. She ducked reactively and the cream puff sailed over her head and into the base of the door. Blinking, she turned to look at the ruptured cream puff on the floor with dabs of cream sticking to the door itself. She shifted her gaze back to Kalerath, eyes wide with surprise. He blinked back at her blankly. Selirae raised a hand to cover her mouth as she broke into laughter. A grin slowly spread across his features.

“You couldn't think of anything else to say, so you threw a pastry at me? How old are you now,” she gasped as she calmed herself.

“Something like that,” he replied, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. Pulling out a cushioned chair by the table, he settled himself comfortably. Selirae smiled covertly, rising to join him but instead seating herself in a chair she stood behind him and leaning forward, laxly rested one arm on his shoulder. She slide her other arm under his, gently placing her hand against his waistcoat as she rested her head on his free shoulder.

“Or maybe you were just trying to distract me from your loss,” she purred and clasped his chin with her free hand to prevent him from turning away. Her head tilted as she caught a better view of his expression. His face was suffused with blood but not due to her nearness but from anger. Kalerath had never been a good loser and she had always enjoyed teasing him mercilessly over it. She smiled as his spine stiffened.

“What are you two doing.” The query came from Ardrim Kithdral, who was standing in the now open doorway with a tray of tea cups and a porcelain teapot. Ardrim had impeccable taste, it was obvious in the elegant furnishings of the room and his effortless sense of style. He was also a beautiful young man with honey blond hair and crystalline blue eyes. His attractive face had settled into lines of disgust as he realized what he had stepped into something. He moved his foot aside to inspect the flattened pastry and sighed.

“Both of you are lucky that it landed on the floor instead of one of the rugs.” He carefully scraped his shoe clean on the floor and moved forward to settle the tray on the table. Selirae choked back her amusement and released Kalerath. She slid over to a chair. Ardrim poured her cup of tea and handed it to her gracefully. She thanked him and set it down on the table. The tea was still too hot to drink so she stirred it with a small spoon to cool it off. Kalerath was loading his tea with cubes of sugar. She grimaced in distaste.

“Oh I forgot to tell you, I got tickets for Jevernist's new opera. I was finally able to get a nice box,” Kalerath stated as he paused his task at hand.

“Who are you inviting? Not that detestable Myriela again,” Ardrim demanded as he settled himself into a chair as well.

“No, I'm over her. Plus she is a real twit to Selirae.” Their gaze shifted to her, she shrugged.

“I'm not particularly fond of her either, but I can handle whatever those prissy girls can toss at me. So invite whomever you want. Oh, except for Brevanin. That jerk is completely unsubtle with his leers. The next time he tries to touch me, I'll make sure no woman will go near him again,” she vowed. Ardrim coughed to hide his amusement and Kalerath moved his hand unconsciously downward in a protective manner. She shrugged one shoulder in response. “Laugh if you want, however I am serious.”

“I'm planning on asking Serawyn, Cadius, and Liseva first. Are you fine with them?” Selirae and Ardrim shared a glance then nodded in tandem.

“By the way, what time will you be returning home,” Ardrim asked.

“Not very discreet,” she replied without taking offense. Ardrim and Kalerath were prone to speaking their minds when only their close peers were around. “Probably in a hour or so. At least that is what she said.”

“Your mother is salacious,” Kalerath stated bluntly, knowing it would annoy her. Returning the favor, she threw her teacup directly at his center of mass. A brief look of concentration crossed his face as he 'caught' the cup in midair. His superiority didn't last for long, he had forgotten that he needed to stop the momentum of the fluid inside the cup as well. He yelped and jumped up as the hot liquid hit his vest and he showered her with creative invectives that made her grin in delight. The heat broke his concentration and the cup started to fall but was 'caught' by Ardrim, who floated the teacup back on the table, refilled it with tea and handed it back to her.

“Please don't throw the porcelain.”

“Sorry, he deserved it. My mother is nearly 44 years old.”

“She does not look it, 35 at most,” Kalerath replied as he seated himself once more.

“Do you know how many potions she uses to keep that way? That was part of the reason she sent me to alchemy school. Here, my apologies, I'll help you.” She concentrated on the fabric of his vest and slowly drew the liquid from it. The fabric stiffened as the moisture was removed. He shrugged his shoulders to resettle the vest. She glanced at Ardrim, who lifted up the lid of the nearly empty teapot. The orb of dark red liquid floated over into the teapot.

“How is your most recent set of poems going, Ardrim,” she queried, changing the conversation to more pleasant matters.


OOC: Apologies for grammatical errors. I have a tendency to drop out small words and occasionally endings. My mind works faster than my fingers type. I do try to catch my errors. If you have any difficulty with any of my sentences, please let me know and I will fix it. Kinda a boring post, oh well. I've been having some difficulty deciding how my character should speak. They are noble but they are young and slightly undermature.

 

...Such a "sleeper cell" move.

 

Unfortunately, since I changed my profile, I can't anymore. XD Ah well.

 

Donaut:
Quite a few things I need you to clear up with your bio. Firstly, you're not allowed to be able to use Level 4 magick. I made this clear in the General Rules and Notes section, so please read them if you haven't already. On that note, being able to slow down enemies isn't even a power associated with Cosmic Windowing. Reversing/Accelerating aging on objects and essentially dreamgazing are the only powers accessible by Level 4 magick. But once again, no one in his RP is allowed to reach this level, it is simply historic reference for the RP.

Second, Assassins are usually comprised of regular citizens. It's impossible for individuals to engage in Assassin-like activities *and* still be part of the nobility. If you want your character to be of noble blood, that's perfectly fine, but bear in mind that in order for him to be an Assassin, he must have been disowned by his family or forfeited his right to walk among the nobility because it just simply wouldn't work.

That being said, because Assassins are mostly comprised of citizens who never had a proper childhood, their education in magick is lacking and most don't exceed Level 2 magick mastery (I made this magick specification in the Assassin Job Class summary, so please re-read the description if you're unsure of these facts). However, if your character only recently forfeited his noble rank to become an Assassin, I'll allow him to be able to use Level 3 magick BUT, the following things must be observed: because your character would then have to be a relatively new Assassin, there is no way he can be an extremely talented one as he would have been living the life of a noble up until recently. In anything, your character would still be trying to learn the ropes of being an Assassin. On the other hand, if your character gave up his noble rank when he was a child, he can then have the merits of being a skilled Assassin, however, this would mean his opportunity to learn level 3 magick would be taken away since getting a formal education would have been impossible. The bottom line here is that you cannot be both a skilled Assassin *and* possess Level 3 magick. This is simply illogical given the structure of Valdeaunia.

Third thing. On the basis of Level 4 magick, it would be impractical that an Assassin would be the one to discover the secrets behind Level 4 magick mastery. Their lifestyle and way of life does not promote this kind of growth. At the very least, someone of the Scholar profession would be the most likely to attain the power of Level 4 magick mastery, but once again, no one in this RP can make a character who's attained this level.

Moving on to your Background, there are some things I would like you to add/fix here as well. Roka has had many problems, but please elaborate on what these are. Obviously these problems led to the murder of his parents and siblings, but please expand as to why his family was being brutally targeted by others. And why did Roka end up in prison henceforth? It's confusing that his parents were murdered, his brothers hanged, then he's suddenly arrested by authorities soon after. What did Roka do to cause this? As well, what sort of revelation did Roka have that suddenly made him want to devote himself to God? He lived a terrible life and as far as I'm concerned, was wrongfully accused of a crime he didn't commit, and then sent to prison for a few years. So what happened to Roka to suddenly make him put such passionate faith in God and become an Assassin? How did he become an Assassin?

I know this is a lot to read at once, but these are all severe holes in your bio that need fixing. Try to re-read the entire prologue and have a thorough look at the different job classes, magick system and districts. While there are a lot of details within each section, they are there because they form a logical wheel of combinations for people to come up with when creating their characters. For example, the nobility are almost exclusively found in Verlest, with the rest living in Estavel (these are written in the Noble/Citizen descriptions). While I never explicitly said so, it should be discerned that no Noble would be taking up residence in Mhaura given their attitude and outlook on lower-class citizens, as well as the fact that Mhaura is a district stricken by severe poverty. However, your character is written as a Noble, but lives in Mhaura. A noble living there would be illogical.

You don't have to redo your entire character (but the option is there), however there is quite a bit you have to change before I can pass your bio.

--------------------------

Kagiya: Approved. Your demo post amused me greatly.
Jade Rhade: Approved (I'm bugged to ask you for more info, but nah. XD)
Nailpolish <3: Approved
~Muffin~: Approved
GX: Approved
Sorax: Approved

 

I edited many things on it, so please tell me if you find any flaws.

 

Much better. Just one more thing and you're set:

Assassins in Valdeaunia simply make a living killing people for a price--like most assassins do. This isn't the Maysaf with Altair and the sin-purging Assassin's Creed. If you want your character to be motivated by religious faith, then I won't stop you, but I just wanted to clear up that Assassins in Valdeaunia as a whole do not operate as an organization meant to 'bring peace to the world' like they do in a certain Ubisoft next-gen video game.

 

My bad soush, edited and good to go.

 

Spitfire: Approved.

---------------------
Finally got my bio finished. Sorry that it took so long; I'm not sure how much of this might be changed before the start of the RP, but I'm sure most of this will stay the same.

Name: Korwyn Aveltas

Age: 19

Appearance: Standing at a modest 5'5", Korwyn doesn't boast an intimidating physique that one might often find among the six-footed Royal Guards or the more skilled district militia. However, despite his modestly thin-build, Korwyn's ample amounts of physical activity from childhood to the present have granted him a toned body structure that is only noticeable when his upper body apparel is minimal. His straight chocolate-coloured locks drape wildly about his head, with many uneven strands hovering over his eyes and ears. Korwyn possesses an unusual pair of crimson-coloured eyes--a recessive trait he inherited from his father's gene pool. Korwyn prefers to dress casually and carefree and is easily distinguishable as a regular citizen when spotted on the streets.

Magick Ability: Level 2. While able to cast levitation spells, his poor control and laughable dexterity make his applications of level 2 magick virtually useless in most situations.

Job Class: Thief. He carries a skillfully-crafted dagger that he received as a gift from his childhood friend, Aethyr.

Noble/Citizen: Citizen

District: Estavel (Owns a small loft above a restaurant)

Alignment: Good

Background/History:
At first glance, Korwyn seemed to come from a very well-to-do family. With a father working the trade of a Blacksmith, and a mother who became a self-employed potions merchant soon after graduating from the Institute, it was no stroke of luck that he and his family was able to live peacefully in the district of Estavel. However, that's as far as the picture-perfect facade goes before one delves beyond the closed doors of the Aveltas house. Rylian and Lithea Aveltas (Korwyn's parents) shared a mutual obsession with nobility. While they themselves were not born of noble blood, their economic successes were mostly driven by their desire to transform themselves into anything remotely related to the noble class, be it what they ate, what they wore, or how they acted. When their first and only child, Korwyn, was born, a future had already been planned well in advance was placed into action.

Korwyn spent the first few years of his life being raised to identify and to believe in his parents ideals. Naturally, being young and completely dependent on his parents for wisdom during those early years of development soon led Korwyn to strive to become part of the Royal Knights--the future his parents had set for him since before his birth. By becoming one of the Royal Knights, the Aveltas family would really feel like they've finally entered the ranks of nobility.

Korwyn's path to fulfilling this dream was to first obtain a mastery of level 3 magick, then later enter the Valdeaunia Academy. Having saved enough money years before in preparation, Korwyn was quickly sent to the Institute of Alchemy to begin his mastery of magick soon after his seventh birthday. But to his parents' dismay, Korwyn's progress was not going as well as they had hoped. While easily mastering Circumstantial Alteration in all its forms, Levitation was a different story. Clumsy and unrefined in his performances, Korwyn easily became the amusement of his class and many of his stuck-up peers often poked fun at his shortcomings for entertainment. With his pride broken and his hopes shattered, Korwyn found very little support at home and often went to bed with argumentative shouting as his lullaby.

Korwyn's turning-point in life quite possibly happened the day he met a boy named Aethyr, a local resident of Mhaura, during his second year of schooling. With little improvement in his academics and virtually no support at home, Korwyn often found comfort in the many meaningless pranks he and Aethyr would pull on many of Mhaura's residents. The thrills and excitement he experienced from such happenings never failed to cheer him up. Thus, excusing himself as studying extra hours after school every day, Korwyn began to see Aethyr more and more, eventually learning about his friend's dream to live the life of an Assassin. The declaration had come as a complete shock at first as Korwyn's upbringing had labeled the Assassins as despicable heretics that polluted the very essence of humanity. But that was not how Korwyn viewed Aethyr, the one person who he felt understood him and his trouble best. Aethyr may not have been the best confidant one could have, but he certainly knew how to bring smiles back into Korwyn's face.

It wasn't long before Rylian and Lithea found out about their son's deception. It happened on the same day that they received a letter from the Institute declaring Korwyn's immediate removal from the student roster. After seeing that his grades had not improved in the slightest--rather, they worsened--Korwyn's friendship with Aethyr finally came into light. It was here that Korwyn decided to bring his thoughts and feelings forward, lashing at his parents out of frustration and resentment. In the end, Korwyn revealed that he no longer wished to pursue the dream of Knighthood, and no longer any interest in pretending to be a noble. Such foul words of rejection was too much for the proud, deluded Rylian and Lithea to bear. With nothing more than the clothes he wore on his back, Korwyn was tossed out of the house and into the hot summer night, disowned completely.

Aethyr had soon left to pursue his dream to join the Assassin's guild in a neighbouring city, and after humbly rejecting his offer to follow, Korwyn slowly began to see him less and less as time passed. The following years to come were not entirely regrettable as Korwyn forced himself to become much more self-sufficient to survive the streets on his own. Such self-sufficiency didn't take long to turn into work of thievery as Korwyn's days of job-hunting eventually transformed into ones of clever swindles and dextrous pick-pocketing. While the inadvertent change in profession--that being beggar to stealer--initially came as a shock, Korwyn eventually began to enjoy his daily quota of silly shenanigans as it reminded him of his pleasant memories with Aethyr. Korwyn continues to walk the streets of all three of Valdeaunia districts with very little ambition or motive in mind.

Personality:
A person living freely and without any real role-models to guide him for a large part of his life, Korwyn is a product of many different influences. Having learned the art of social stealth primarily through experience and by observational learning, Korwyn's young age has yet allowed him enough time polish off the art, however, his candid and inherently bright disposition often grants him success in many situations. Being abandoned by his parents did leave an emotional scar in Korwyn's heart, but his future experiences have relaxed many of his previous anxieties and curbed an interesting outlook on how he perceives the world around him. While he did fail to become the Royal Knight his parents wanted him to, his enjoyable success as a free spirit of Valdeaunia eventually brings him to no longer resent his parents but rather, secretly appreciates their deeds during his early childhood. He often pays them visits, but mostly to get amusement out of their spiteful hawking of his existence and their wide variety of death threats. Overall, Korwyn sports an outer exterior that remarks him as a sarcastic, playful, somewhat clumsy individual who doesn't always watch what he says, but also an interior that thinks deeply about his life-changing experiences and holds on tightly to his deeply-rooted beliefs.

Demo Post: Durr, gtfo my internetz. I totall dint prufreed mah bio.
Haha, nah. I plan to fill this up with something later, actually. Just right now... I'd rather sleep.

 

Well, Shoush, after reading yours, I can see why. xD There's tons more I can think of (two hour delay, don't feel like doing anything school-related), as long as you don't mind reading it all, I'm game.

EDIT: There, done. I'll add more if you want.

 

Okay, I'll change it to that since you put it like that. lol

 

Name: Tosca Naryne (Pronounced Taw-Ska Nah-Rhyne)

Age: 27

Appearance: Tosca stands at a height of 5 feet 10 inches and has a fairly lean build. Her slender arms usually are adorned with some bracelet or other and she usually wears a dress of a matching colour. The dress is just a plain one but with a small part of it clasped so to make a sort of frilly effect. She wears Black, high healed shoes and a white scarf in the winter months to protect her voice form the cold. Her mousy brown locks of spiraling hair come down to about her shoulders and her eyes are a bright aquamarine.

Magick Ability: Level Three. Able to control both Air and Water at will. These help in her career to circulate sound carried by air around halls and to keep her throat from drying out due to the extreme pressure it is put under by concerts.

Job Class: (Note: If this is not preferable I can change it) Opera Singer. This career has been undertaken only by those skilled enough at music to be able to cope. There are no schools in Valdeaunia which teach music so the talent is usually taught in the family or by private tutors, however these are usually only found in Verlest. Entertainment is hard to come by in Valdeaunia and so these gifted people are in high demand for performances. Usually only performing in Estavel and Verlest, for there are no halls great enough in Mhaura to house such a concert. They usually travel around the neighboring cities to give concerts as well and are usually quite famous. Many stay quite high up, rubbing shoulders with the nobility in Verlest. However some choose to live a quieter life in Estavel or one of the remaining villages. Mastery of magick is not necessary however there are those who master level three magick to help them in their career, the elements mainly being Water and Air (reasons above). This is a tough career path to follow but success will surely bring riches.

Noble/Citizen: Citizen but not always in the city for work reasons.

District: Estavel but when away stays in inns and hotels.

Alignment: Good.

Background/History/Personality: Tosca's family history comes from the wealthy. Her great great great grandfather was a good friend of the Ferawyn Leader at the time. They had money and connections. They were of the Nobility and had some power in the court. However, after her great grandfather, who was a level three mage and sa teacher at the one of the Magick schools, married out of the Noble blood line, he was disowned from the rest and was then fired from his job for the shame of being excomunicated. He married a commoner and they settled down quietly together. He passed his magick skill down to his daughter who married Tosca's granfather Fillius Naryne, a musician. Their skills were passed down to Tosca's father who passed them on to her. He was also a teacher at the Magick School that was in Estavel. Her mother, who looked a lot like her, was an alchemist who worked for the Ferawyn Family but only one of the minor ones.

Tosca was born in the Estavel district at the height of the Ferawyn house’s rule and by the time she was 12 was a great supporter of the House. However when the new regime came to pass she was not one of the ones complaining. She had no idea what was happening. Three years ago at the age of 24, the three new (and bad) leaders came to power and she thought that the way things were being done was disgraceful. She put all of that emotion into her music and has never looked back. She now makes an honest living and is fairly rich but she gives a lot of her income away to the poor who live in Mhaura. She has never been married and she lives alone but she is, as she has been quoted to say:

“Married to Music”.

She has a need for everything to be fair and just. She is quite demure in her attitude and she is quite bold. She feels that the way things are in the world at the minute, there won’t be a Valdeaunia for very much longer and until the rumored successor of the once great Ferawyn house is brought to power, the city and its people will be forever crushed by darkness and evil.

Demo Post: The applause filled the stadium as the instrumentalists took their bows. Tosca was happy that another concert had gone well in Verlest and that there had been no interruptions. She still quaked with fear at the mere mention of the last concert that had been cut short by fighting. She was looking forward to a nice rest and as the curtain drew after her final bow she was smiling. As she walked along the dim, lap lit streets of Verlest, she hummed an Aria that she had been singing that night. Speaking of Ariyas, she had been there this evening too. Her deep blue eyes had been staring into her own cerulean ones. It was kind of scary. Those eyes reminded her of something that she could not place. Oh well, she thought and kept on walking.

As she entered the district of Estavel, she felt relieved. The stiff upper lip characters of Verlest made her feel like a piece of dirt stuck on one of their shoes. She slipped down an alleyway that she knew to be a shortcut. She stopped dead. There were two people dressed in black and they were standing over a figure. A figure that was covered in… blood. She screamed and ran out of the alley. They followed chasing her but they were faster. She used magic to push a wind in their direction to slow them down but it didn’t work. She tried making water cascade on top of them, washing them away but that didn’t work either. Then when they were almost next to her, their daggers glinting with malcontent at her face, wanting to rip into her flesh and butcher her skin she tried to use both elements at the same time, to try and blow the water towards them and make it faster. She used both magicks and… they stopped. They were frozen in a block of sheer cold ice. She had never known what would happen if you were to mix two elements having only been taught magic by her parents. She had thought that they would work together but no, they combined. She checked to make sure that no-one was around then pushed the block of ice containing the two assassins into another near-by alley, this one wider than the last. She knew that it was only a matter of time before they thawed out but when they did she was sure that there would be hell to pay. She sprinted home. She was sure that she would have to report this to the Militia or at least someone. She went inside, went up into her bedroom, lit the lamp and sat down on her bed. What should she, no, could she do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please analyze this and tell me if I am good enough to join. If I am not please don't just say:

"You're not good enough"

I would like reasons so that I can improve next time.

Thanks for reading

~#~Clawtooth35~#~

EDIT: Soushirei, I added the parents stuff. I hope that it makes sense, I didn't proof read it ^_^; .

 

Can I join

Name:Sylis
Age:1000
Appearance: with out power http://kasia88.deviantart.com/art/Ebastus-dragon-46600140 with power http://tacimur.deviantart.com/art/golden-dragon-6769730
Magick Ability:Meteor rain
Job Class: Other
Noble/Citizen: Citizen
District: Mhaura
Alignment:Good

Background/History/Personality:He lives in Mhaura but hides there to not atract to much atencen his kind built the city but he lost his power he is young for a dragon in dragon years he is 18 he lost his power so only a few people no about him he will help when ever needed people think dragons were extink but he is the the last

Demo post:A dragon was in a chamber under Mhaura Sick becaue of losing his power he slept looking up a small hole that leads into the street that lets some light in so kept himself alive

 

Donaut: Better. ^^ Approved.
Jade: XD I already approved you, but still thanks for the extra details. They're always welcome.

clawtooth35: Overall, awesome job on the bio. Tosca is probably the only character that has truly made use of the "Other" category. Good job on filling some extra gaps with the Valdeaunia social structure (i.e. no music schools and location of concert halls, etc), I have no problem with those.

Just one thing, but this has been requested from many people already. I'd like it if you gave some background on Tosca's family and what her parents were like and how it was like growing up. The reason I ask this (besides the reasons I gave before) was that it's a little mysterious as to how a regular citizen rose to a profession that is mostly in service to nobility. For Tosca to be a citizen not born of nobility, but is able to reach the level of magick mastery that most nobles have, it'd be great to see why this was possible. What kind of family did she come from to promote such a growth?

Just some family insight and you're good to go.

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leon47:
Just like I asked Kingdom///97.2, please re-read the entire RP and create one that follows the structure of the city's parameters. Right off the bat, there are no dragons in Valdeaunia. Despite you saying people think they're extinct, this is not a history inclusion I'm going to accept. This RP was never meant to be in the Fantasy genre (despite some magick), as such any mention of dragons is inappropriate. As well, how can a dragon race have created Mhaura when the poor district was developed into its present state during the past twelve years when Dhobar became the head of its administration? Before that, Valdeaunia was a city that had all its districts brimming with prosperity. Furthermore, Valdeaunia is a creation by mankind; no dragon could create such a city. The fact that your character is a dragon makes your bio invalid. As well, I doubt dragons can be citizens of a city, let alone live in one. And that power is ridiculous, to say the least. Meteor Rain could very well take out Valdeaunia in one go, so that's not good.

I'll give you one more chance to remake your entire bio, one that shows you've read the descriptions and have thoughtfully created a character using those guidelines.

 

I can sense Soush's reaction in the force.......

 

I'm gonna comment this on Soush's behalf.

Soush made this RP with the fact there would be no mythical creatures in mind, no dragons, werewolves, mountain beasts or what ever crap there is out there, If you wish to join this RP you'll have to re-do your entire entry as there are no mythical beasts as the RP would be too long and too much work for that, and Soush has this entended to be short. Also Magick was a skill lvl, not a random spell.

 

Added it in my edit, lol.

 

One other thing I would like to add to this. Go read the firts post. The whole thing. Twice.

 

yay! I like filling in plot holes with my character. Well, not exactly plot holes but you know what I mean.

 

Heh.

Anyway, please placed an "EDITED" marker at the top of your bio post after you've made the necessary changes, so I know to look it over again.

 

I placed it at the bottom before I read this. Sorry.