Prologue: http://www.kh-vids.net/showthread.php?t=67501&highlight=ultimate+action Last Edited 11/7/09 ___________________________ Chapter 1 I backed further into the shadows. It’s not easy being hunted by an army. My name is Aston Myth. My friends, Jasen Legend and Tsunami Storm, and I, help lead the Defending Force. The three of us are known as The Blade. Since I’m a former Firebird, I can kill someone with anything from a blade of glass to a blade of grass. Jasen was automatically a leader because he held the only Elemental Sword in the army, and Tsunami was particularly useful considering she knew all the Saraxos buildings front and back. Jasen was taking a risk, letting her in, though. She is the daughter of Erado, the leader of Saraxos, Jasen’s arch nemesis. Erado’s real name is Robert Storm, but he needed to go anonymous because he has a past record that not everyone at Saraxos would approve of. He used to lead the Defending Force, but then went on to Saraxos. Supposedly, he was a double-agent in the first place, but considering his history when he was at the Force, I know that’s a lie. My family, the Myths, are not completely human… while the humans were busy getting kicked out of a garden, the Myths were finding elemental metal and perfecting the design of the sword. We can throw raw energy at anything. We do so sparingly because there’s a chance we could open a portal that… well, let’s just say “beasts” can come through. We can’t live with or without these beasts. Sure, many Myths were killed by them, but if we could use our power without risk, we would destroy ourselves. We also have increased stamina and we live longer. We handle a more powerful alternative to elemental swords, called Mythical swords, but we can also use any elemental swords, even if we aren’t related to the creator. Our power is genetic, in our blood, and a group of people, called Vampires by the people, go after us for our blood, so they can inject it in themselves and gain this power. However, they do not get all the powers because there are two kinds of blood that runs through our veins: silver Light blood, and pitch-black Dark blood. The dark blood allows the shooting of raw energy and access to all elemental swords, but it shortens human lifespan. The light blood gives access to mythical swords and stamina, but mythical swords are hard to come by and even myths can be exhausted. Injecting both bloods into a human would kill them instantly. We also breathe carbon dioxide. It was about 1:00 AM. Lately Discovery had become more desolate. It used to be swarming with people at night, which comes from being the largest city in the world, but nobody felt safe to go out in this part of town after the army invaded. On top of this, Discovery had extremely dark nights and there were Falcons, Saraxos soldiers, patrolling almost everywhere. Adding even more danger, the Vampires were rumored to live in that part of town. Aston’s phone rang. “OK, where do I get in?” asked Jasen from the other line. Jasen was breaking into a building to retrieve a piece of elemental metal. “Let me climb up this building so I can see.” I put on my climbing gloves and started to climb. “You see the door on the right side of the building? That’s where we’re aiming for. First, go into the security office and scorch the system, then use the door. I’ll meet you in the alley behind the building when you’re done. If you need help, call me…” “What about Tsunami?” Jasen interrupted. “She’s using the roof entrance and frying the security systems up there.” “She’ll check the upper floors, and you’ll check the lower floors,” After about a block, the phone rang again “It’s not here!” Jasen yelled into the phone. Aston held the phone away from his ear “Calm down…Okay, tell Tsunami to wait and tell her you’ll send a signal if we need help. Meanwhile, you wait by the planned door. I’ll send you a signal if I need help.” A voice called out in the alley behind me, making me jump. “Come out, and this will be easier for me,” said the voice. “The night can’t get darker or more desolate.” A streetlight let me see who he was. It was Sentinel, the elite soldier that guarded Erado, the leader of the weapons company. I’m one of the few people who knew that Sentinel was really a robot, though most people figured it because of his lack of mercy. “Fight and die!” Sentinel shouted. He pulled out his Triblade, his feared three-bladed sword. The sword was said to be able to launch each of its blades. I pulled out Destiny, my Mythical weapon made from flex metal. Some said it was a sword, but they were sometimes wrong. It had two blades, a gun in one of them, and a handle in the middle. The weapon could be shaped into different shapes, or the blades could combine into one. Sentinel lunged. I just moved out of the way. Sentinel shot one of his. It closely missed. I shot at Sentinel, but he dodged it and hid in the shadows. I shaped a flashlight and a laser targeter onto Destiny. Sentinel wasn’t there. Quickly realizing what was happening, I raised the blade to the sky and just deflected Sentinel falling from a wall of a building. He had retrieved his third blade and retracted them into one. I fused Destiny into one sword. Sentinel put up his blade. I attacked first. He blocked a blow, than another. I tore Destiny into two swords. Sentinel split his blade, separated one, and held it. He launched another at me, and then when I was still stunned, attacked. He knocked one of the Destiny Blades out of my hand. I had to fight as hard as I could to get back the blade, but I had a better idea. I fused Destiny into a boomerang and threw it at Sentinel. It hit him and knocked off part of his helmet, exposing a face underneath. Amazing what those scientists can do to robots. Sentinel was an SGA, Saraxos Guardian Android. These robots were made to be bodyguards or assassins. I picked up the blade that Sentinel threw and threw it back. This one knocked Sentinel to the ground. The Destiny boomerang returned, picking up the blade that had been knocked out of my hand. I made the mistake of turning my back to get Destiny. Sentinel had gotten up. He shot at me and knocked Destiny onto a balcony. This was not good. I had to shoot energy at Sentinel. No portal this time. Sentinel was launched back and I made a break for it. I picked up Destiny, made it into a double-sided sword and charged at Sentinel, who jumped on a balcony of a house and pulled two machine pistols from his back. Destiny turned into a shield, and I opened the gun compartment on and took out a pistol. We exchanged fire. Sentinel just wouldn’t run out of ammo, but when he finally reloaded, I threw a small knife at him and knocked the gun out of his hand. Then I attacked. Destiny resumed its double-sided sword form and I climbed up the building. Sentinel was ready. I tried to stab him, but his armor was too strong. We kept fighting. The battle only lasted about 10 minutes, but it seemed like days. We jumped down off the building. I could tell that Sentinel was wearing down, and he got pushed into a corner. Sentinel had called in Falcons which were now blocking of the alley, but they weren’t his reinforcements, they were Falcons that had come in to control a different situation. “There’s Jasen setting off alarms again,” I muttered to myself, and quickly shot three Falcons. The angry soldiers then pushed me back away from Sentinel, but I won’t take that. I slashed through the seemingly endless wall of soldiers to get to Sentinel. I reached Sentinel and had Destiny ready to kill when suddenly, a voice said, “Having fun, Sentinel?” I put my guard down. “Wh…Why are you here?” breathed Sentinel as he kicked me to the ground. “There’s been a break-in.” said Erado. The Falcons raised their guns. “Hold your fire, this is an enemy, but not the thief” ordered Erado. “I would thank you, but it wouldn’t go over well with Jasen,” I replied as Sentinel restrained me. Just then, the building behind them exploded. * * * This is gonna hurt. I thought. I powered up my Firesword and crashed through the wall. The hardest part was over now, or at least that’s what I thought before I saw the scene outside. Holy Crap! The whole freakin’ army is here! Are we really that important? I thought as I jumped out of the building. “Fire!” Erado shouted. The army shot at me, but I had my own fire. My sword was ready. I ran over to Aston and slashed Sentinel to next Thursday. “Behind you,” Aston said exhaustedly. Then I saw Erado coming towards me. He shot lightning at me. I replied with a stab of flame, but Erado had armor made from Elemental Metal. I did too, but he didn’t bring it because it was too heavy and conspicuous for robbing a building. Figures, I wouldn’t have my armor when I need it most. Erado knocked the Firesword out of my hand, but luckily, I had a piece of elemental metal inside of me, in my arm. It’s not smart to play with guns loaded with elemental bullets, especially for a 4-year-old. Good thing it was my dad’s, otherwise I would be a pile of childlike ashes. Because of this great act of idiocy, I can shoot fire out of my hand. The way to summon this was to release built up energy inside of me. Yes, caffeine. I only launch fire when completely necessary because it burns. It doesn’t compromise my fighting though because I’m used to the burning, but MAN it hurts. I shot a ball of fire at Erado. It only distracted him, but it distracted him long enough that I could get the Firesword. I swung the sword at Erado, but he blocked it. We backed away from each other and simultaneously shot elements through our swords, creating a wall of fire and lightning. All this…crap and I still don’t have what I came here for. “Why are you here if the object we were looking for wasn’t in the building?” I asked Erado through the wall of elements. “We figured we could stop you before you found it, and it was in the building, just hidden.” Sentinel pulled out a small remote. “Invisible,” Sentinel said, looking proud of himself, “and all this is about a pack of bullets.” “Elemental bullets,” Aston corrected him and shot some Falcons, “Ice Elemental bullets.” Erado looked surprised. The wall then died down. The remaining Falcons suddenly fell, dead, shot by an unseen sniper. Good job, Tsunami, I thought to himself. Erado and Sentinel looked around. A Falcon sneaked behind me. I turned around to kill him but before my Firesword came down, a sword and two axe blades poked out of him: The DualAxe, standard issue for Firebirds. There was Tsunami, in full armor, including helmet and voice synthesizer. “Three warriors to one tired robot,” she said, “and a man fighting an opponent he could easily beat, years ago, but now… The Defending Force has your radio jammed so you can’t call for backup, so you should probably escape before we kill you.” Sentinel ran at Tsunami with his Triblade. Tsunami nonchalantly knocked him back with her DualAxe. I laughed, and Aston glared at me. Tsunami didn’t look strong, but she was. “Who are you?” Erado asked. Erado thought Tsunami died in a car crash with her sister, Sienna. Tsunami survived. Sienna didn’t. An armed supercar drove in, guns pointed. Erado and Sentinel got in. It sped down a road, wings and jets popped out, and it flew away. “Man, I want one of those,” I said in awe. “It’s not as fun as it looks,” Aston said, “You have to know how to fly a plane first.” “Why, you had one?” “It’s standard issue for Firebirds.” “This entire mission was for nothing,” Aston sighed. “Not really.” said Tsunami. She took off her helmet and took out an ice-covered package. “It may have been invisible,” she said, “but it was still vulnerable to sonar.” “How did I not think of that?” I muttered. “You do know why these are so important, do you?” Tsunami asked, “Pure ice elemental metal is rare, or at least hard to find because it blended in with the rest of the ice when elemental metal was discovered, and when Saraxos finished off the glaciers, it mixed with water elemental metal…” “What does that make, cold water metal?” I interrupted. Aston laughed sarcastically. “Actually, it does,” Tsunami said, “but anyway, it means a lot to Erado because my sister had an Icesword and ice armor.” “Let’s get this back to 18,” Aston said. “I bet you’re gonna test those bullets for fingerprints,” I said to Tsunami. “Yes,” she replied softly. * * * I walk the streets, cold following where I walk, even in a warm place. Why? Because I am the cold, but they can’t know that. They shouldn’t even know I’m alive, but they do, and that’s a problem, so, I’ll take down whoever knows, and if that’s too much for me, I just have to face the one I’m trying to fool. I may need the help of some former Firebirds. (c) Digital Games All rights reserved http://www.costeira.com/dg
I"m not going to lie. I've not been able to focus on reading this because it is way to packed together. This needs to have paragraphs, including new ones starting after dialogue. I highly suggest editing this if you want to have people view it and take the time to read it.
Agreed, too packed, needs to be in paragraphs including the ones that are the dialog too. Seriously, edit this and we'll see if this is gonna be better.
it it better now, or is it too many paragraphs now? (I had 5 spaces in front of each paragraph, but when I saved the changes, it didn't show up.)
I'm sorry I can't read this. It's almost as if you don't even know how to write fiction at all. Every sentence in the first paragraph sounds like you're trying to conversationally retell an event that had taken place in your own life. I can almost imagine a scruffy teenager just standing around telling this off the top of his head. It's just too plain, there is no elaboration, no embellishment, and no structure; it makes Hemingway's writing look ornate. Everything is simply stated as fact and assumed to be all encompassing enough despite the fact that it lacks any atmosphere, direction or exposition. If the opening doesn't get the reader's attention there is no point in having the rest written out because they won't continue unless you draw them in. I don't want to sound like a total prick or a snob but sometimes I get the feeling that whenever advice is given politely people choose to disregard it as opinion that they need not heed or even consider.
