The Untold History of Santa

1689--Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and
establishes a small base camp.

1691--Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons
him.

1692--Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe,
bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is
able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.

1703--Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns
to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but
still intact.

1704--Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and
is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew,
and buys building materials to expand his polar base.

1705--Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him
and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.

1716--After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with
polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing
this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company
in his native Germany.

1720--Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only
because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that
Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged
government officials to begin an investigation.

1721--Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus
Toys Company. Claus himself
refuses to release his records.

1722--The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of
treason. When news of this breaks, Claus' employees all turn against him
and his company.

1723--Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds
with all of the company's funds.

1724--A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds,
however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife
flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is
generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off
course. He is believed to have returned to his North Pole base).

1725--Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.

1725-1734--The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the
arts of toymaking and business dealings.

1735--Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct
a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the
company funds.

1739--The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus
II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus' wife dies,
accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.

1740--Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.

1745--Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and
of his sick father.

1747--Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city
around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.

1748--Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of
Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a
better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.

1753--All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly
established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy company
once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age
89.

1755--The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife
take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves
enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.

1757--The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by
Claus II to begin an ambitious project--that of breeding and training
reindeer to fly.

1773--The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's major
form of transportation.

1774--A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He
becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus
government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other
world leaders for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a
lavish show of wealth, all at the elves' expense. He gives the other
leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The
elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are planted.

1777--As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search
for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus
government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his
advantage.

1784--On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street
during the Christmas day parade, and is assasinated by a radical faction
of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law
into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads
the Elves in rebellion.

1785-1792--The Seven-year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make
toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits
an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner of
his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself
as leader of the elven community.

1796--Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. Over
10,000 elves are killed.

1800--Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.

1802--After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is
quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought
to life, and used as a political scapegoat.

1804--Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves
are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.

1819-1826--After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and
Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is
introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.

1827-1841--The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt
Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In
order to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location,
they decide to start the hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas,
Claus IV will ride all over the world, distributing free toys to children
everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very costly.

1837--Claus III dies.

1851--As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves
are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They
start to complain, but Claus assures them he will do all he can to help
them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening
the bonds between the Claus family and the Elves.

1856--Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay
at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees
to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do
it every year.

1857-1867--Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his
elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building
up the company, doesn't seem to mind, in fact, he feels that it's good
publicity.

1871--Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to
convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to
the elves.

1872--Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the remainder
of his life under guard in the castle's west wing.

1875--After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the
new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but
they are successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa
Claus' suit later changes from beige to red.)

1881--Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway.
His funeral is not a large one.

1887--In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes
industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly
line.

1893--Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of
the first one, whom the communist government now honors for "giving the
government back to the elves."

1900--Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.

1902--After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is
claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. All throughout the
kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he'd be back again some
day.

1906--Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren't
the least bit excited.

1909-1922--The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda
influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus
V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.

1925--Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He is found buried in
the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of
Frosty, but no one can prove it.

1926--Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules
with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the
streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are
expanded, and the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.

1929--Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts
to remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He
fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that
the Grinch is made out to be the villian.

1949--Claus VII is born.

1979--Claus VI dies of natural causes.

1933-1990--The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly.
Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed.
Children receive Claus' toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their
parents throw them awayforhe children to th anden they tell
theirildrenat te io Sa Claus. ater whene cdren have
children of th own,ey'surprised to see the toyominnce again,
t nottil s too late do they sehe tlropaganda involved, and
so the cycle goes on.

1991--First sightings of Anti-Claus.

1993--Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed.
His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed.
He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And
instead of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by
eight flying cows.

1997--Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground
hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.

2002--Communism fails utterly at the North Pole due to the nature of the
elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas
rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge
explosion and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe
that they annihilated each other.

2007--The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves.
Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally
achieved throughout the kingdom.

2011--It is discovered that Claus VII did not die in the explosion, but
merely made it appear so. From there he went to live in the Bahamas.
He is later found, dead of a heart attack, in a jacuzzi with two and a
half dozen nymphets.