I had my English exam last week, and the last section was to write a short story within ten minutes. We had a variety of titles to choose from, but I choose the title "the Traitor" ;D This is basically what I scrambed up in the time limit- this version is unedited <3 Thoughts please x3 The Traitor It was a clear spring day when I awoke early one Thursday morning. I bounced around my nest for a while, shaking the dew off of my feathers and watching them land like diamonds. Carefully, I rearranged my bedding, gingerly pulling leaves and feathers over my younger brothers and sisters. Quickly I ate breakfast, eager to begin the day. My bright eyes sparkled with the urge to spread my glossy wings and fly. I was a magpie. Taking off into the sky gracefully, I beat my wings and soared into the blue. Overhead the sun shone brightly, always my faithful companion when I took to the skies. She had been an eternal friend to the magpies, and now her rays warmed my wings as I flew even higher. It was only an hour after dawn, and not a human stirred below. I saw them everyday, trundling along in their noisy metal boxes, blasting terrible music which could never compare to the beauty of birdsong. I flew lower now- I had found my prize. As a magpie I adored bright and sparkly things; no matter what it was, I longed to hoard it. Over his lifetime my father had collected a cornucopia of jewellery and precious items and I aspired to be like him, a treasure-hunter. Now my keen eyesight aided me as I dived to the earth below, shooting through air currents. I had spotted a silver ring, it's surface glinting in the morning light, and essentially it was now my prey. Then I heard the call of a fellow magpie, and halted to see who had disrupted me. It was a bird larger than me, his broad wings spread as he stood proudly in the grass. We had landed at the same time. "Traitor." He hooted at me, and I was confused. I signalled that I wanted the ring, but he shook his head. I felt baffled. "Traitor." He repeated, his beak twisted cruelly. I hopped nervously from claw to claw. "Why? How?" I croaked, rustling my wings. "Look at yourself. Where is your magpie's coat?" I peered down at my feathers, confused. The ring was forgotten to me now. I twisted in the grass, searching for the imperfection the older magpie claimed I had. "Traitor. You should be ashamed of yourself. Where are your white feathers?" His words rang in my head, and I hung my face in shame. I had been born with a glossy coat of black and nothing more. "Why, you're nothing more than a crow," he hooted, and all of my pride vanished in that instant. I felt crushed. Never again would I take to the skies as a proud magpie. No, I was a traitor to my kind. Lonely, I flew home.
Oh wow that was... really sad. o_o You developed the main character very well in such a short passage; I really felt apathetic for the poor magpie. D: "Taking off into the sky gracefully, I beat my wings and soared into the blue. Overhead the sun shone brightly, always my faithful companion when I took to the skies. She had been an eternal friend to the magpies, and now her rays warmed my wings as I flew even higher." One of the best parts by far right there. Great stuff, the language and style used is really very impressive, not necessarily in the complexity of the words themselves, but just in their usage. I love the passage overall. I would never have guessed that this was done in ten minutes aside from the minor grammar errors here and there that I barely noticed. Well done. <3
Thanks <3 I wish to know of these grammatical mistakes xD My english teacher certainly didnt find them =3 The majority of people did human experiences, even personal ones, so I decided to be a bit different with this. And thanks for the compliments x3 I liked the bit about the sun too <3
Nice usage of words. I wish it was longer because a story like this could go far if you intended it to.Seemed pretty sudden that she was branded a 'traitor' just out of the blue.Did the white of her coat fall out ..surely she must've known her white was missing, right?
I wish I could have made it longer too D: Sadly, we weren't given the time. Hey, since when did a specify it was a female magpie? ;P I was hoping to put across the thought that the magpie had grew up believing it was a magpie, a bit like a "cuckoo child", but all along it had just been a crow. Eh, its up to you as the reader to decide :3
Hah, sorry, it just seemed so feminine.And deciding for ourselves would be fun, but I'd like to see more of this.If you ever try writing for it again, drop me a message : D
This is rather interesting. It's new that you're taking the point of view from a bird. This was crafted very nicely, as we can see the pride the magpie has for his race. I found this rather sad, but who knows if this is a new beginning for the poor bird?
Pretty nicely done. Not gonna complain about anything really, you got across what you had to and you didn't mess it up over the course of your passage. The beginning is a little bit awkward to me but that's probably due to the fact that I always start out by thinking of what I'm reading and I don't start actually reading until later on. It's fairly simple and straightforward with a fairly well built up atmosphere and characterization. That's about it.
Well, I enjoyed that it didn't end up like a normal "Traitor"-like story would have ended up. That's what I was expecting, and was kind of caught off completely off guard. Great job with your interpretation with titles.
