The Tragedy of Llave & xigbar.nom, Act I.

SCENE I. Spam Zone. A public place.

Enter XIII-ROXAS and GRAXE, of the house of FEENIE, armed with posts and reputation


XIII-ROXAS

GRAXE, o' my word, we'll not carry coals.

GRAXE

No, for then we should be colliers.

XIII-ROXAS

I mean, an we be in choler, we'll draw.

GRAXE

Ay, while you live, draw your neck out o' the collar.

XIII-ROXAS

I strike quickly, being moved.

GRAXE

But thou art not quickly moved to strike.

XIII-ROXAS

A dog of the house of DAXA moves me.

GRAXE

To move is to stir; and to be valiant is to stand:
therefore, if thou art moved, thou runn'st away.

XIII-ROXAS

A dog of that house shall move me to stand: I will
take the wall of any man or maid of DAXA's.

GRAXE

That shows thee a weak slave; for the weakest goes
to the wall.

XIII-ROXAS

True; and therefore women, being the weaker members,
are ever thrust to the threads: therefore I will push
DAXA's men from the wall, and thrust his maids
to the threads.

GRAXE

The flame war is between our masters and us their men.

XIII-ROXAS

'Tis all one, I will show myself a troll: when I
have argued with the men, I will be cruel with the
maids, and cut off their access to the internets.

GRAXE

The internet access of the maids?

XIII-ROXAS

Ay, the internet access points of the maids, or their maiden access points;
take it in what sense thou wilt.

GRAXE

They must take it in sense that feel it.

XIII-ROXAS

Me they shall feel while I am able to stand: and
'tis known I am a pretty piece of flesh.

GRAXE

'Tis well thou art not fish; if thou hadst, thou
hadst been poor John. Draw thy tool! here comes
two of the house of the DAXAs.

XIII-ROXAS

My naked weapon is out: troll, I will back thee.

GRAXE

How! turn thy back and log out?

XIII-ROXAS

Fear me not.

GRAXE

No, marry; I fear thee!

XIII-ROXAS

Let us take the forum rule of our sides; let them begin.

GRAXE

I will frown as I pass by, and let them take it as
they list.

XIII-ROXAS

Nay, as they dare. I will negative rep them;
which is a disgrace to them, if they bear it.

Enter MIXT and TY​

MIXT

Do you give negative rep to us, sir?

XIII-ROXAS

I do give negative rep, sir.

MIXT

Do you give negative rep to us, sir?

XIII-ROXAS

[Aside to GRAXE] Is the forum rule of our side, if I say
ay?

GRAXE

No.

XIII-ROXAS

No, sir, I do not give negative rep to you, sir, but I
give negative rep, sir.

GRAXE

Do you troll, sir?

MIXT

Troll sir! no, sir.

XIII-ROXAS

If you do, sir, I am for you: I serve as good a member as you.

MIXT

No better.

XIII-ROXAS

Well, sir.

GRAXE

Say 'better:' here comes one of my master's kinsmen.

XIII-ROXAS

Yes, better, sir.

MIXT

You lie.

XIII-ROXAS

Draw, if you be men. GRAXE, remember thy swashing blow.

They fight

Enter CHEVALIER​

CHEVALIER

Part, fools!
Put up your posts; you know not what you do.

Beats down their swords

Enter PIKA​

PIKA

What, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds?
Turn thee, CHEVALIER, look upon thy death.

CHEVALIER

I do but keep the peace: put up thy post,
Or manage it to part these members with me.

PIKA

What, drawn, and talk of peace! I hate the word,
As I hate hell, all DAXAs, and thee:
Have at thee, staff member!

They fight

Enter, several of both houses, who join the fray; then enter Forum Members, with clubs
​

First Member

Clubs, bills, and normal members! strike! beat them down!
Down with the FEENIEs! down with the DAXAs!

Enter FEENIE in his gown, and KELLY​

FEENIE

What flame war is this? Give me my long post, ho!

KELLY

A crutch, a crutch! why call you for a post?

FEENIE

My post, I say! Old DAXA is come,
And flourishes her posts in spite of me.

Enter DAXA and CLAWTOOTH​

DAXA

Thou villain FEENIE,--Hold me not, let me go.

CLAWTOOTH

Thou shalt not stir a foot to seek a foe.

Enter ROXASVSRIKU, with Attendants​

ROXASVSRIKU

Rebellious subjects, enemies to peace,
Profaners of this neighbour-stained steel,--
Will they not hear? What, ho! you members, you trolls,
That quench the fire of your pernicious internet rage
With purple fountains issuing from your text,
On pain of torture, from those bloody hands
Throw your mistemper'd posts to the ground,
And hear the sentence of your moved ROXASVSRIKU.
Three flame wars, bred of an airy word,
By thee, old FEENIE, and DAXA,
Have thrice disturb'd the quiet of our forum,
And made the Spam Zone's ancient citizens
Cast by their grave beseeming ornaments,
To wield old partisans, in hands as old,
Canker'd with peace, to part your canker'd hate:
If ever you disturb our threads again,
Your forum presence shall pay the forfeit of the peace.
For this time, all the rest depart away:
You FEENIE; shall go along with me:
And, DAXA, come you this afternoon,
To know our further pleasure in this case,
To old Free-town, our common judgment-place.
Once more, on pain of banning, all members depart.

Exeunt all but DAXA, CLAWTOOTH, and CHEVALIER​

DAXA

Who set this ancient flame war new abroach?
Speak, nephew, were you by when it began?

CHEVALIER

Here were the servants of your adversary,
And yours, close fighting ere I did approach:
I drew to part them: in the instant came
The trollish PIKA, with his suggestions prepared,
Which, as he breathed defiance to my ears,
He swung about his head and cut the winds,
Who nothing hurt withal hiss'd him in scorn:
While we were interchanging quips and wits,
Came more and more and fought on part and part,
Till the ROXASVSRIKU came, who parted either part.

CLAWTOOTH

O, where is LLAVE? saw you him to-day?
Right glad I am he was not at this fray.

CHEVALIER

Madam, an hour before the worshipp'd sun
Peer'd forth the golden window of the east,
A troubled mind drave me to walk abroad;
Where, underneath the grove of sycamore
That westward rooteth from the forum's side,
So early walking did I see your son:
Towards him I made, but he was ware of me
And stole into the covert of the wood:
I, measuring his affections by my own,
That most are busied when they're most alone,
Pursued my humour not pursuing him,
And gladly shunn'd who gladly fled from me.

DAXA

Many a morning hath he there been seen,
With tears augmenting the fresh morning dew.
Adding to clouds more clouds with his deep sighs;
But all so soon as the all-cheering sun
Should in the furthest east begin to draw
The shady curtains from Alice's profile,
Away from the light steals home my heavy son,
And private in his chamber pens himself,
Shuts up his windows, locks far daylight out
And makes himself an artificial night:
Black and portentous must this humour prove,
Unless good counsel may the cause remove.

CHEVALIER

My noble aunt, do you know the cause?

DAXA

I neither know it nor can learn of him.

CHEVALIER

Have you importuned him by any means?

DAXA

Both by myself and many other friends:
But he, his own affections' counsellor,
Is to himself--I will not say how true--
But to himself so secret and so close,
So far from sounding and discovery,
As is the bud bit with an envious worm,
Ere he can spread his sweet leaves to the air,
Or dedicate his beauty to the sun.
Could we but learn from whence his sorrows grow.
We would as willingly give cure as know.

Enter LLAVE​

CHEVALIER

See, where he comes: so please you, step aside;
I'll know his grievance, or be much denied.

DAXA

I would thou wert so happy by thy stay,
To hear true shrift. Come, good sir, let's away.

Exeunt DAXA and CLAWTOOTH​

CHEVALIER

Good-morrow, cousin.

LLAVE

Is the thread so young?

CHEVALIER

But new struck nine.

LLAVE

Ay me! sad hours seem long.
Was that my mother that went hence so fast?

CHEVALIER

It was. What sadness lengthens LLAVE's hours?

LLAVE

Not having that, which, having, makes them short.

CHEVALIER

In love?

LLAVE

Out--

CHEVALIER

Of love?

LLAVE

Out of her favour, where I am in love.

CHEVALIER

Alas, that love, so gentle in his view,
Should be so tyrannous and rough in proof!

LLAVE

Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still,
Should, without eyes, see pathways to his will!
Where shall we dine? O me! What fray was here?
Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all.
Here's much to do with hate, but more with love.
Why, then, O brawling love! O loving hate!
O any thing, of nothing first create!
O heavy lightness! serious vanity!
Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!
Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire,
sick health!
Still-waking sleep, that is not what it is!
This love feel I, that feel no love in this.
Dost thou not laugh?

CHEVALIER

No, coz, I rather weep.

LLAVE

Good heart, at what?

CHEVALIER

At thy good heart's oppression.

LLAVE

Why, such is love's transgression.
Griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast,
Which thou wilt propagate, to have it prest
With more of thine: this love that thou hast shown
Doth add more grief to too much of mine own.
Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs;
Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes;
Being vex'd a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears:
What is it else? a madness most discreet,
A choking gall and a preserving sweet.
Farewell, my coz.

CHEVALIER

Soft! I will go along;
An if you leave me so, you do me wrong.

LLAVE

Tut, I have lost myself; I am not here;
This is not LLAVE, he's some other where.

CHEVALIER

Tell me in sadness, who is that you love.

LLAVE

What, shall I groan and tell thee?

CHEVALIER

Groan! why, no.
But sadly tell me who.

LLAVE

Bid a sick member in sadness make his will:
Ah, word ill urged to one that is so ill!
In sadness, cousin, I do love a member.

CHEVALIER

I aim'd so near, when I supposed you loved.

LLAVE

A right good mark-man! And she's fair I love.

CHEVALIER

A right fair mark, fair coz, is soonest hit.

LLAVE

Well, in that hit you miss: she'll not be hit
With Spdude's arrow; she hath Laurence's wit;
And, in strong proof of chastity well arm'd,
From love's weak childish bow she lives unharm'd.
She will not stay the siege of loving terms,
Nor bide the encounter of assailing eyes,
Nor ope her lap to saint-seducing gold:
O, she is rich in beauty, only poor,
That when she dies with beauty dies her store.

CHEVALIER

Then she hath sworn that she will still live chaste?

LLAVE

She hath, and in that sparing makes huge waste,
For beauty starved with her severity
Cuts beauty off from all posterity.
She is too fair, too wise, wisely too fair,
To merit bliss by making me despair:
She hath forsworn to love, and in that vow
Do I live dead that live to tell it now.

CHEVALIER

Be ruled by me, forget to think of her.

LLAVE

O, teach me how I should forget to think.

CHEVALIER

By giving liberty unto thine eyes;
Examine other beauties.

LLAVE

'Tis the way
To call hers exquisite, in question more:
These happy masks that kiss fair ladies' brows
Being black put us in mind they hide the fair;
He that is strucken blind cannot forget
The precious treasure of his eyesight lost:
Show me a mistress that is passing fair,
What doth her beauty serve, but as a note
Where I may read who pass'd that passing fair?
Farewell: thou canst not teach me to forget.

CHEVALIER

I'll pay that doctrine, or else die in debt.

Exeunt​

 

Ahaha that was great.
This needs to be performed. Via webcam, probably.

 

I'm cracking up so much whilst reading this over.

 

My darling son What.
I do love you so much <3

 

Enjoying this so far. <3

Also helps because I'm doing Romeo and Juliet at school...

 

I adore this What? Bravo! Bravo~

 

What?, this should be in Creativity Corner. Then all shall bask in the glory that is Llaveo and xigbar.nomiet!!!

 

He gets more views in the spam zone.
Time was when this was common practice.

 

I couldn't spot the "Enter Smurfasaurus" cue!

 

Clever as always, What?. ​

 

Hey, is there any possible way for me to be a minor character who doesn't die? I will accept as small a role as an unnamed maid if I must.

 

Wow, this is great! Keep the acts comin'!

After this is over, someone should do another Shakespeare. Like, King Lear, Hamlet, or Macbeth. That would be cool.

(Sentence I came up with after spending a week in my grandmothers house with NO internet WHATSOEVER)

And so it came to be that I, having much time upon mine hands, did'st peruse amongst the bookshelves 'til I happed upon an most intriguing volume: The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. O cruel fate! Thou most alluring Temptress! Prithee, what had I e'er against thee done that thou bid'st me read? What! Doth mine own hand write such soliloquies? Beith my mind affected? Or rather, be it mere jest on my part that causeth such speech?

 

Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet Hamlet

 

I agree. We're doing Hamlet in school. It will be so much easier to understand if it's on KHV.

 

Macbeth.

Hands down.

 

Eh, no. We did that last year. It'll spoil the ending if I already know the ending.

 

So? Just because you know the ending doesn't make the story any less enjoyable.

 

Meh, tbh I found Macbeth a bit dry.



But it's true, spoiling the ending doesn't make a story any less enjoyable. It's the journey that counts and all that.