The Letter

The letter……

Queen Elizabeth opened her eyes, it was there. The letter. A dream? Mustn’t have been. In her dream an unknown man had walked in and put down a strange letter, she never saw the man, just his hand. Elizabeth stared at the letter. The envelope was light gold in colour and had a lovely pinkish coloured wax seal.
The Queen put on one of her elegant dresses, she was a pretty figure, yet quite plump, she had ginger hair with blue eyes to match, a smile that when you saw it you couldn‘t help to smile back. She walked gracefully into another room and sat down on her finely carved rocking chair. The maid was already there waiting for her.
“What to do….” The Queen asked picking up her banjo.
“Open it, go on! What harm can it do ye” The maid replied in a northern accent. The Queen had a tear in her eye, normally she would open it. But this letter was strange and did not say who it was from. But what could it do? BITE!! No of course not. Elizabeth, after a half hour of thinking, decided to open the letter. She read;
Dear your majesty,
Strange things are going to happen in the castle. Things will change, so will you. Your life is a lie, one big lie. Be ready for these strange things, be ready for death. Your death, your loves death, and of course, relatives death. I bet you can’t wait just like me!
Yours faithfully,
The name was smudged of, all she could see was a H and an E a bit further in.
“Probably one of those uhhh you know fake, prank letter thingys” Her hands trembled, she was worried, you could tell. Anyone would be….
A year went by, not many things had happened, but some have. The king has died, her new boyfriend had broken up with her. England was losing its population, and many people have died, things have mysteriously gone missing, many, many things had happened but things were about to get a whole lot stranger…..
Queen Elizabeth had a horrible dream; Her old servant Ralph who had been beheaded for theft, hated work, he owned a nasty white hamster with deep red eyes. Ralph had long hair as he could never afford a hair cut, he wore ragged brown clothes and was always dirty. Ralph was a ghost with his hamster he was haunting Windsor castle with his hamster.
The Queen woke up. It was morning, the day was dark and gloomy, everything seemed to be a glowing black it was like being an actress on stage with a dark and depressed audience. Elizabeth walked around the wide spacious castle, she heard strange noises. There was a deathly cry, but where ever you went, it sounded the same. There were some black hand prints on the walls going down the stairs. And a shadow of a young boy holding some type of rat, which she could only ever see out of the corner of her eye.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”
She screamed, red gory blood, pouring everywhere, lashing out all over the expensive paintings and old, grand tiles. The maids, butlers and servants came running down the stairs to find the Queen…… dead….. What had happened? No one was to be seen, no knife, no stab marks, no nothing. The crying stopped, the shadow disappeared and the hand marks slowly faded away. They broke into silence for a second, then got started. They got police, private detectives and the hospital out to see what was going on. How? What? Who? So many questions, they needed the missing piece to the puzzle. Had the ghost done it, or was it a murderer? The police inspected her.
“No stab marks to be found,” Said one suspicious of what was going on.
“Nothing, I don’t know what could of done it. Maybe a heart attack, but blood is everywhere. I have never seen anything like this in the thirty one years that I’ve lived my life.”
Suddenly, the crying came back, the shadow returned, and the hand marks rubbed in once again.
“I’ll go make ya some tea and scones” The maid scurried into the kitchen, dodging the blood on her way.”
They carried on what they were doing thoroughly. Hoping they would find some sort of resolution. A few more minutes went by of hard work when suddenly
“AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Came from the kitchen. They ran in to find her dead just like the Queen, blood went everywhere. The blood was purple though an ugly purple.
“Ghosts…” One women said.
“What?” Replied one of the police men. A fire had started by the fire place, yet no one had put it on. A vase was broken into smithereens on the floor, yet there was no smash. Strangely, the doors closed. James, one of the servants ran up to open it, locked.
“GHOSTS!!!” They all screamed.
The maid and the Queens pupils turned white, all there eyes were now was white. They smiled an evil grin and just lay there staring. They all knew it. They didn’t want to though, some tried to think the others were wrong, yet knew they were right. The hand marks scattered around the walls and the crying turned into more of a long going whine. Letters were falling down but no-one bothered to read them. Everyone was astonished, maids frightened, servants shocked, butlers, trying to think its all a lie.
“What to do?”
“What’s going on?”
“It’s all a lie”
“UNLOCK THIS DOOR YOU FOOL”
Speech coming from everywhere. The day turned darker by the second, it was like dieing, but having it in a slow pain, only this was one million times worse. You would rather die than go through this.
Days went past, weeks went by, the Tudor reign soon ended. No one knew of the deaths, as letters still came in and managed to go out. No-body who entered the castle on that horrible, deathly morning was never to be seen again. Apart from one small hamster, with mysteriously dark red eyes, and snow white fur. No-one will ever know what happened, only me, because I am Ralph and I sent my hamster to do that. HA HA HA! ​

Constructive Critism please. Hope you enjoy my story, I had to do it for extra English at school, and I'd though I'd share it with you. Rate out of 10. Keep in mind, I'm not that old, only 10 years old. The story is based on a famous painting called 'the letter'. Enjoy. The painting's this ​

 

Considering your age this is a decent piece of writing. I will point out a few things though.

~ Some of your sentences are far too long. For instance:

"The Queen put on one of her elegant dresses, she was a pretty figure, yet quite plump, she had ginger hair with blue eyes to match, a smile that when you saw it you couldn‘t help to smile back. "

This should have been broken down into smaller pieces, those commas replaced with full stops. Throughout your story you've either used too many commas or not enough. For instance:

"The Queen asked picking up her banjo. " There should be a comma between asked and picking, so words can be read more smoothly.

~ In the future, don't centre your stories- it makes them seem more like poetry.

~ What's with the ending? The story was serious up until then, and it completely ruined the mood, almost as if you gave up and couldn't be bothered to write a sensible finish.

~ Your description is very good, especially for your age. The gory scenes were pulled off quite well, I'll give you that.

Nice work :3

 

Thanks, the end bit was just a dar from one of my friends... and yes, I do need to sort out my commas. Ok, I won't centre it next time.

 

Thanks, other people also say I make my sentences very detailed. One person said it was too detailed.

 

Wasn't there a thread somewhere that said you had left for something or other?

I don't know.

Well, either way, I enjoyed this. Even if it was, in Xendane's opinion(he's too lazy to log on and read it himself so he's looking over my shoulder), "Too purple".