Okay so this isn't my first fanfic, but it is my first Kingdom Hearts fanfic, and i'm pretty sure it's not the best. Like i said, it's very very VERY rough workings and i have a few chapters but they are all kinda choppy with some gaps in them. But i decided i'd share my first chapter and see what you think! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chapter1, Part1: The Journal "I wish you'd keep your darn hair out of your eyes!" I complained, brushing the pieces or spiky, sandy brown hair ou of Sora's face. My efforts were useless as he shook his head, causing the pieces to fall back in place. "I like it like this! Besides, it's not like a can control it, Nikki." He looked at me, frowning. "Why does it bug you so much anyway? Your hair does it, too." I tucked the strands of hair behind my ears and out of my face. "It's always done that." I reasoned. "And by always, you mean since you came to the island?" I looked down; i didn't like his question. "Shutup, Sora." i muttered. I watched the water weave around the wooden pillars of the pier, dark blue, but reflecting the moon as if it were daylight. It wasn't at all that I didn't like to talk about when i'd arrived at the island. What I didn't like was the fact that i couldn't remember a thign abou how i'd gotten there. Any childhood memories, my family, friends, name... I couldn't remember any of it. I had been found on the beach one morning, unconcious, with only the clothes i had on and a large, brown-leather journal, displaying only 3 silvery embossed words on it's cover: Don'r forget me. I had never read the journal out of fear, but whatever was in it was apparently how i'd gotten to Destiny Islands, or at least who i was before I got there. Sora leaned forward and looked at me, though I still stared at the ocean beneath us. "Sorry, Nick. I forgot you don't like to talk about it." He said, apology in his voice. "Why can't i remember?!" i nearly shouted. Sora seemed startled, as he had jumped slightly, looking as if stuck terribly between two decisions. I blushed and looked back at the ocean, avoiding his awkward gaze. "Why don't you just read the book?" He asked quietly, cautiously. I took a deep breath, hesitating my answer. True, Sora had become my best friend in the 6 months i had been on Destiny Islands, and yes, I felt an attraction to him i couldn't explain, yet still- i could not help but think sharing my inner fears of the journal were too much. "I'm afraid." The words feebly slipped from my lips before i'd realized it. "What if I remember, and I want to go back?" Sora only looked at me, and I looked back. Perhaps he expected me to cry; no. Sora knew me too well by now, I was not one to tear up often. After a few seconds had passed by of gazing blankly into each other's eyes, he grabbed the journal, which sat not three feet away, and sat it in his lap. He examined the silvery letters before looking back into my eyes and grabbing my hand. "I'll read it with you." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I know it's kind of a cliffhanger, and hopefully i can get part 2 up soon, but i'll hve to change it up a bit. PLEASE leave comments!!! Don't be afraid to criticize if you think i need it, i need to know if i'm doing bad!! lol thanks for reading! ~The Yeti
It's really good!! You just have to make sure that you watch for spelling and punctuation errors. Maybe explain and describe a little more of what is going on rather than just dialog. And you could give more feedback on what is going on with the other characters; is this before or after KH2? What are Riku and Kairi doing? Are they friends with Nikki as well? Just some suggestions. You should update soon though, I'll be looking to see what happens.
Thanks! yea, i know the spelling is a bit off, which is not normal for me because bad gramma FRIES MY BRAIN but i had to type this in a rush. As for after Kh2 or Riku & Kairi, I haven't exactly thought about that... i guessi t's before Kh1, but the next chapter i have kinda goes directly into KH2... so.. i guess im kinda skippin Kh1. which, now that i think about it, is really weird... but i dont think i could change it. I think i'll write a chapter inbetween this one and the next because it skips a lot of time and events that have happened, and i'll need to get all that on paper. (or computer, lol) Part 2 should be up sometime later today! if it's not up today then it might take till Sunday tops but i'm gonna get it up as soon as possible. thanks a bunch!!!!!
Not bad. Just make sure that whenever someone new speaks, it's a new paragraph. ;) One of the fundamental rules of dialogue. Other than that, nice job. I'd like to hear something about the other characters as well.
