The heart of the Host club

Once there was a boy name.Sora bron is a faw away place.Where people have Keyblades,And magic powers. And where dreams come true.His two best friends hikaru and kaoru.Went to school.Sora feeld like nobody was there for him..Till
A girl face bright his day.Her name? You ask? hmm? Well you'll just have to find out..If alexis is not to lazy to make this story?You think she can do it? don't get your hopes up XD
Hmmm well this story is told by me tamaki.The head of th-
Sora'NOBODY CARE DAMN IT JUST GO ON WITH THE STORY!"
Tamaki"oh sorry ok here it is t-"
Hikaru and Kaoru"THE HEART OF THE HOST CLUB!"
Tamaki"I WAS GOIN TO SAY THAT DAMN IT!"
Namine"-sighs-warning thier may be alot of damns,hell,and pie in the story"
Honey senpai"AND CAKE"
Namine"epic fail XD"
Enjoy



The first heart



Namine walked into the room to see abuch of rich kids fighting over nothin.
She let out a deep sigh."Wow."She said as she lelf the room.
I just want some where i can be alone.She said as she walked down the halls.
Sora runing to his class room.I'm gonna be late! he yelled as he runs and past Namine.But...He stops and turn two. . .
.

Tamaki" Welcome poor man to our host club.No that not it"
kaoru"hey boss maybe we sould call Na-"
Tamaki"NO ME AND HER ARE NOT SPEAKING AND YOU ALL WILL NEVER SPEAK TWO HER AGAIN! GOT THAT?"
Kaoru"..Fine.....You know it was cause of you right?..You where kissing K-"
Tamaki"HOW MENY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU I DID'T MEAN TWO K?"
Kyoya"ok stay calm every one we all where there when it happend so we know what happend so j-"
The all stop and turn to. . . .

Feel free to tell me it suckd.But hey at least i tryd? Right?
But i liked how it came out so that what i say! XD hoped you guys liked! More infor is coming up more in the story btw! Have a nice dayOh and play this song when your reading the stroy [video=youtube;T94tovL9ocs]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T94tovL9ocs&feature=autoplay&list=PL555AFA5B39419621&index=2&playnext=4[/video] It go's with the story.See ya later!

 

Question: is english your first language? i dont mean to be rude or anything, but your spelling, grammar and sentence structure need some work. use constantly use 'two' instead of 'to'. your periods are out of place. actually, most of your punctation is out of place. write out the full word, not the slang, example: 'okay' or ''kay' or 'o.k.', not 'k'. i suggest using a word processor to write out future chapters. if you dont have one, at least use spell check. if your first language isnt english, read some more english language books if youre not sure where certain things go, or write your fanfic in your first language, then google translate it to english.

again, not trying to be rude or offensive or anything.

still though, its a very good concept. i do like the idea of a Ouran/KH mash-up. they arent done often. you should put the song before the story so the reader doesnt go 'oh, we were supposed to listen to that while reading? oops... oh well.' i actually kinda did that myself... i laughed when you introduced the story. ive always enjoyed stories that break the fourth wall, at least a little bit. good work. id like to know whats on the other side of that cliffhanger.

 

Loxare was giving criticism. He said he liked the story, he just gave some tips.

I'm interested in the story, and I'll read the next update, although you might just type it in Microsoft Word first, so that it can clear up some spelling or grammar errors.

The story itself is so far so good.

 

I also hate to point it out but . . . sorry it's just way off the scale of a needed tune up. There are countless spelling, grammar, and overall use of word mistakes in this. There does seem to be a story so that is good, but :sweatdrop: You should really go back through and correct the mistakes. Even small mistakes like using two where you should have used to really . . . demeans a story. Readers have a certain level of expectations for the writers here and this many mistakes is probably out of the question. I am only telling you this to help you become a better writer. Also the song was pretty good but I would have used the original from the show- Sakura Kiss but that is your decision as a writer. Preferably though (speaking of myself) when I am reading a fan fic I don't really like to listen to music as it takes away from the story itself. Though that is just me and I am sure there are others who like it. Well, keep trying and you will eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel . . . so to speak.

 

why brother it sucks any ways nothing i make is ever good

 

We aren't saying that.
We're saying your story is good. I liked it, I'd read more.

We're trying to offer constructive criticism.
Your work is good, stop beating yourself up about it.
A little more time, and it could be even better.

The grammar and spelling might make it so some people don't even read your work.
And it's good. Your work is good.
So, type it out in a word processor, or run it through spell check.
We're just trying to help.

 

That is where I would have to say you're wrong. As a writer, nothing you make is bad. Even famous writers such as Whitman or Hemingway probably thought that their work was absolutely horrible, but look where they are now. Regardless of what you may think, your story isn't bad, it could just use a little tweaking to make it better. That's one of the things about writing: you never stop improving. It's hard, I know, but all of us can stand to improve ore. I am sure as heck that I need to. xD

In regards to your story, I agree with everyone else in that your punctuation and grammar need improvement. Using Microsoft Word really helps to catch a good majority of any errors you could make. I also suggest getting someone else/some other people to proofread it for you before you post it, so that they ma catch errors that you may skim over and Word may not have caught. I thought that you incorporating music into the story was a nice addition, and making this into a more experimental story structure where you're pushing the conventions. However, I also think that you need to fix the dialogue:

It sort of reads similar to a play this way, but since this is a short story, you would want to format it into something like:

Granted, that's not perfect either, but it's at least a start in the right direction. Overall, I like the idea of your story so far, and I really do think you should continue it. c:

 

Wow thanks guys

 

Yea! You gotta have more faith and confidence in yourself and in your work:) I read and and thought it was absolutely cute. I loved ti and can't wait to read more:)

 

The first heart
Sora stoped Turn to a girl who has.Brown(or black sorry i can't tell i have bad eyesigh)hair.
Sora look at the girl with open eyes.Wow he said as he smiles.Huh? Said the girl as she turn to Sora.
Umm said Sora as he snaps out of it.
Sora"Sorry! I did't mean to ummmmmmmr-runs off and falls down but gets up and start running again-Haruhi"Wow I bet he the only one who knew i was a girl or he thinks I'm a dude....Oh well another day at the host club.I just hope Namine got over what happen last year."
Haruhi walk to music 3.She open the doors to...Namine and Tamaki fight and Kyoya trying to stop the fight.Whille Hikaru and Kaoru call Tamaki a cheater..Haruhi open her eye and sighs. Well this is goanna be fun.She said as she walked in to stop the fight.


Sora running to his class room.Damn it.That girl was so cute wait.Said sora as he stop.That girl..She...In the host club..I know of it..Namine told me about..Said Sora as he start to walk.
Sora!!! It me!!! Said a a boy as he ran up to Sora.
Sora"Ren! Kaze!"
Ren"Hey Sora how did you get into this school?"
Kaze"Same thing i was goin to ask.Hey have you seen -
Ayano"kazuma!!!-running with knife in hand-"
Kaze"crap...-runs-"
Sora'Awww love'
Ren"Haha'


~In music 3~
Namine"WHAT ABOUT YOU GO KISS KAIRI AGAIN!"
Tamaki"IT WAS NOT LIKE THAT! SHE KISSED ME!''
Namine'WHATEVER YOU SAY TAM!"
Tamaki"-thinking-She only calls me that when she mad at me..-Stop thinking-"
Kyoya"Okay.Okay.Namine i have to ask you to leave now."
Namine"-trys not to cry-Fine-runs out of room crying-"

Namine and Tamaki use to date but Namine seen Tamaki kissing Kairi a year ago.
Kyoya been trying to keep Tamaki together but it not working so well.
Kaoru Been helping Namine out for what Tamaki did.
Haruhi been helping Namine out to but been helping Tamaki out to.
They both are very sad for what happend.
Ayano,Ren and Keza been trying to keep sora together to.
Sora Was dating Kairi but he seen Tamaki kissing Kairi.
Therefore Kairi and Sora broken up.
Sora heart is broken.And he don't know what to do.So his old friend from Hollow Bastion came to see him.Ayano use to date Riku.But Riku had to leave back to Destiny Islands.
Ren and Kaze are fine for now.They are just making sure Everybody stays fine!

Ok not much but at least it out there?? Ok i love how this came out and i don't care what anybody got to say!If you want to talk about the spelling go some where else! But i still love this! Hoped you guys liked here the song that go's with the story [video=youtube;BCJ9MS8HWQk]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCJ9MS8HWQk&NR=1[/video]

 

Oh, very interesting. "The plot thickens" as they say. I like how your adding a background to the characters. And nice song pieces you add to the story. Very creative:)

 

Promises me you'll never forget me


How could i ever forget you?



Tamaki Walked to the pinao.Whille Haruhi ran to get Namine.Tamaki asked everybody to leave the room.Whem everybody lelf.Tamaki start to lightly cry.He sat down and start to play the pinao
~This is what he played~
[video=youtube;hxZ6MX9rE-Q]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxZ6MX9rE-Q&feature=player_detailpage[/video]



























Sora walked into the room.
Sora"Hey Tamaki i was thinking about what you said late year about the host club."
Tamaki"-stop crying-Oh hi Sora"
Sora"Is every thing all right?"
Tamaki got up.I'm fine thank you.Said tamaki.
Okay said Sora
Kaze"Hey where Ayano?"
Sora"I don't know why?"
Riku"Cuz am i here'
Sora"RIKU!"
Kaze"Now your not goin to get down on your knees and start to cry again right? :sneaky:"
Sora"NO!"
Riku"So where Ayano"
Ayano"KA- Riku? RIKU!-Hugs riku tightly-"
Riku" I missed you two."


Haruhi saw Namine and ran up to her.
Are you okay? Asked Haruhi.
No Said Namine as she cryd.
I'm sorry about what happen but i'm sure there another guy out there some where.
Said Haruhi.





















Sora walked into the room.
Sora"Hey Tamaki i was thinking about what you said late year about the host club."
Tamaki"-stop crying-Oh hi Sora"
Sora"Is every thing all right?"
Tamaki got up.I'm fine thank you.Said tamaki.
Okay said Sora
Kaze"Hey where Ayano?"
Sora"I don't know why?"
Riku"Cuz am i here'
Sora"RIKU!"
Kaze"Now your not goin to get down on your knees and start to cry again right? :sneaky:"
Sora"NO!"
Riku"So where Ayano"
Ayano"KA- Riku? RIKU!-Hugs riku tightly-"
Riku" I missed you two."


Haruhi saw Namine and ran up to her.
Are you okay? Asked Haruhi.
No Said Namine as she cryd.
I'm sorry about what happen but i'm sure there another guy out there some where.
Said Haruhi.



Okay i know it not much but there more coming up!

 

The new Host




~2 Weeks later~
Namine woke up and looked at the sky.It so.. Blue. Said Namine as she got ready for school.
Sora went to pick Namine up for school.His mom stoped him.Wait there young man,Now where are you goin? Ask his mother.Sora looked at her and said."I'm goin to school mum."
His Mother looked at him..Sora. . . . It sunday.Said Sora mom as she smiles.
Oh i knew that:sweat: Said sora.
Sora..Kairi called.Said his mother as she hands him the phone.Sora looked at his mother.He sighs and calls Kairi.
Kairi picked up.

Kairi'Hi Sora"
Sora"-walks out of houes-Wha do you want Kairi"
Kairi'I want you back"
Sora"No!"
Kairi'Tamaki kissd me."
Sora". . .I need some time to think"
Kairi"Sora. . .''
Sora"Yes"
Kairi"I love you. . . ."
Sora"-hangs up-"



Sora went to see Tamaki. . .
He start to think.
"Was it. . . DId Tamaki really kiss her. . .
No! He to good of a friend to do that. . .
But. . I don't know"
Haruhi seen sora and yelled.Sora!!! It me Haruhi!
Sora stoped and smile.
Ren ran to Sora
Hey sora everybody is goin to the movie wanna go?Ask Ren.
Sora smile.Sure lets go.Said Sora as he ran up to Haruhi. . .
Sora"Hey Haruhi:luv:"
Haruh". . . Tamaki told you i'm a girl did't he?"
Sora"Yep XD"
Ren''Come on guys lets go"
Ayano"kazuma!!!!:roar:
Sora"One day just one day >.>''
Ren"Well i guess i can't go.Hey what about you and Haruhi go.
Sora"wha?! W- Wh-"
Haruhi"Yea okay come on Sora."
Ren"Good luck Sora"
Sora"Oh shut up"
Ren"Haha


YEA I KNOW IT SUCKS! But i tryed right?
Everybody'. . ."
This is the part when you all say right >.> Anyways sorry it not much Hoped you guys liked!
Song to go with the story!
[video=youtube;eGGt5VoHX_o]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eGGt5VoHX_o[/video]

 

Right!

i cant really mention anything here that i havent already, but im going to repeat this: use a word processor. youd be surprised how much it helps. not just with spelling, but grammar and sentence structure too.

 

. . . why brother with this story all ppl care about is the damn spelling and grammar so why should i go on with it?! it sucks anyways so why brother

 

the reason why im picking on your spelling and grammar is because youre not improving on it. seriously, word processors, they really help. and stop being so down on yourself. this story has real potential. if i didnt like the story, i wouldnt have commented on it. i wouldnt even have read it. thats just how i am. simply the fact that im here (taking time i could be using to make saskatoon berry pie) typing this, shows that i do care about the story.

now, back to that pie.

 

Everyone: Alright, so I've deleted the off topic posts in this thread. If any of you have any questions as to why it was, you can feel free to PM me.

sora awsome11/10: The reason everyone is being so nitpicky about spelling and grammar is because it's an important part of the story, much like the actual story is. The way you lay it out can either make it easier or harder for people to read. That being said, you don't have to change your spelling and grammar, since it is your story, but I and everyone else in this thread do urge that you try to, as it gets hard to navigate through at times.

Again, you don't have to, but it will help that area improve the more you try to correct it.

 

Okay i want to say for acting so mean and here the hea- Ohhh pie-eats pie-. . .I. . . Am not fat-walks away with pie-
Enjo-No Sora you can not make out with Miley Cyrus >.> Enjoya

At the movies
Sora and Haruhi walked into the movies. . .
What movie you wanna see.Asked Haruhi.I don't know maybe the kingdom hearts movie.Said sora as he smile.
Ug I hate that game.Said Haruhi. Hey Sora,Said a girl voice. . .


Sora"Huh?"



Kaoru and Hikaru went to mall.
What are we goanna get Namine for her B-day? Ask Kaoru.
Hikaru Look at Karou.Her Birthday is in 3 Months.Sora birthday is in a week.
Said Hikaru as he smiled.
I knew that:sweat:.Said Kaoru.



~Back to Sora and Haruhi~
Huh. Said Sora.
Kairi"Sora!"
Haruhi"Oh god :mellow: "
Sora"Ka-Kairi?"
Kairi"Sora. . I miss you."
Sora"Listen Ka-"
Kairi"-Starts to cry-"
Sora"No.No.No.Don't cry. I'm sorry here stay here I'll get you an paper town"
Sora ran to get Kairi an paper town. . He dumb. I know lol
Haruhi"Are you okay Kairi?"
Kairi"-Stops crying-Better then ever.I don't want Sora back.I just want Kazuma.-Evil smile-"
Haruhi"HUH? WAIT HUH?"
Sora came back.
Here you go Kairi Said Sora.





Should Haruhi tell Sora or well that just take the fun out of it?

Okay I made sure i spelled everything right so.
Here the song that go with the story have an nice day!
[video=youtube;s6_1D5_GEYU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6_1D5_GEYU&feature=related[/video]

 

Excellent, it was much easier to read as Ploo said. If you continue improving upon yourself (don't let anyone tell you that they stopped improving and are just great, everyone can improve even I ^_^) your work will become legendary (end results not guaranteed) in the creativity corner. The one thing you have to remember is if you are happy being good, you can never be great (stole that from my principle at school lol) You must strive for perfection though (in all honesty for everyone) it will not come. Also, keep up the excellent work.

 

Haruhi Looked at Sora with open eyes and did't know what to say.
Sora is everything alright Haruhi? Asked Sora.
Yea Haruhi everything a kay? Asked Kairi As she act to care.
Haruhi did't know what to say.
Sora looked at Kairi.
Kairi we need to talk alone.
Haruhi walked away with out saying anything.

Kairi"Yes Sora-smiles like she so sweet-"
Sora"I been thinking''
Kairi"yees"
Sora"Lets get back together-Smiles-"
Kairi"YAYZ!-Leeps into Sora Arms-"

Sora almost fell but did't.
Haruhi Heard what Sora said
She did't know what to do.
She called up Riku. . .


Riku"-Picks up-Hell-'
Haruhi''Sora will listen to you tell him that Kairi is a **** and she just want Kaze"
Riku"Ummm Wha?"
Haruhi"Oh never mind-Hangs up-"
Riku"Well okay then"


Sora Lightly kiss Kairi But then Kaoru and Hikaru Walked into the movies
Oh no.Said Kaoru.
What is it Kaor-.
Just then Hikaru seen Kairi and Sora kising. . .



What will happen next the world might never know and thanks for helping with the spelling! Sorry it short I just to lazy to work on it right now lol[video=youtube;HGX01uXAKtE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGX01uXAKtE&feature=player_detailpage[/video]

Here the song that go with the story lol see ya later