When we get married, we start a new day. We buy our new house. we buy our equipment. We go on our honeymoon. Its the greatest moments of our life. We cherish the moments together. We watch the videos we've made. We invite friends and family to our reception. We have kids. We start a brand new life together. Our kids grow up, as we grow old. We still cherish the moments. We make the good of it. Its was a great life together. But know, we are old. Our kids are all grown up. They get married. They start a new life together.
0/10 No effort needed, no rhyme, no attempt to match syllables per line, no metaphors (interesting or not), no original ideas and no literary devices.
MOVED I like the concept of it, but I felt like it wasn't as poetic as it could have been. With poetry it's usually up to the writer to try and write your feelings down in a evocative way. But you can only get better with practice so keep it up! : )
I honestly can't feel that you put a whole lot of effort into this. There were spelling mistakes, it's a grammatical nightmare, and there isn't really anything fresh. You shouldn't try so hard to bring things out, just let it flow. On a side note, PaW perhaps you hadn't noticed but this should probably be merged with the previous thread. Just a little friendly advice. Edit: Sorry, I said PaW, I got confused. I meant one of the mods for this section.
Would everyone stop with negative commenting. Really, would you like it if people posted negative comments about your thread
Have you ever heard of criticism? Criticism is when someone analyses the flaws in your work and points them out so that you can correct them. How do you expect to get better if no one tells you what you are getting wrong? Adding on good things only goes so far. You have to take out the bad parts as well. You thank people for positive comments and tell people not to make negative comments. Are you just looking for praise?
I agree with what others have said. Nice concept, but it doesnt seem very poetic. Try experimenting with more literary rechniques and imagery to really boost the emotion in this poem. Also, its free verse, but try to link the syllables in the corresponding lines of each paragraph. It helps the poem 'flow' better. With all due respect, No one has flat out said that this is a horrible piece of work and you should quit writing while you're ahead. Everybody here is giving you their thoughts on the poem so that you can improve your writing skill. We dont sit here thinking 'this is terrible. Whats the absolute worst comment in the world that I can give to make sure this kid never writes again?' no. We sit here and read the poem, outline whats good and bad, and what you need to improve on. Its not negative comments, its advice so you can be motivated to improve your work.
Poetry is hard to teach from one person to another because it is a very, very individual activity. Something one person does might not work out for another person, so it's not only hard on the student who has to parse what to listen to and what not to, but the teacher who has to decide what is essential and what isn't. None of us here are really ready to be a teacher, the best we can be is concerned peers as they've shown. If you want any advice on how to improve your writing beyond what's already been stated I suggest you start reading poetry and lots of it. Not just newer pieces either. If you want to do modern you'd better look back at least to the Elizabethan era with Shakespeare and his contemporaries. If you can read anthologies from then to now you'll have an idea of what is done in many different styles and forms and you'll be far better equipped to incorporate it into your own writing. If you want any help finding things to read you can always do a little research on google and at your public library or I could scrounge up the beginnings of a list for you. I appreciate that you are willing to learn and I wish you well in your endeavor.
I'm not a pro at poetry and writing but I do know that this could use work. As for the negative comments, it's really only best for you to see what people have to say. I have received not so great replies on my work. I took into consideration what people said I needed to improve on. Thats clearly the only way to get better at anything. Listen to what people have to say. Their criticism should really help you improve. So don't get mad when they are just trying to help.
