Another story! Positive critisism as always. Hope you guys like it!!! THE CONNECTION INTRO I’m Karina, a thirteen year old girl who really just wants to do well in school. My looks, the usual. Brown hair, green eyes, fair skin, whatever. I’m fairly tall, but I’m not one of the tallest. My friends-Katie, Kelly, Sally and Danielle pretty much look like me. Us, 3 girls in another group and about ten in the other group and one girl who just sits with her sister, that’s basically all the girls in year 8. Small school. Very small school. CHAPTER 1-CAMP Boy, have I got a story for you. My friends didn’t go to camp. Sally is allergic to mosquitoes, Katie and Kelly hate the food and Danielle, well, she just didn’t want to go. That meant I was the only one and I had to share a cabin with the three ******s-Andrea, Theresa and Suzanne. The reason we call them ******s is they either stink like all hell, they do really well in school, or they’re the big dumb giants. They wore pink pyjamas with the powder-puff girls on them. One of the girls had a collage of the different Disney princesses. Girls, you’re not in year 5, Ok??? Andrea had really weird curly hair and bright green braces. They looked disgusting! Theresa is a giant, a big one at that. I don’t really have anything against Suzanne, except that she’s really quiet. Anyway, they don’t even know my name, so I took the liberty of not sitting with them at meal times. Instead, I sat with the boys. That’s right, the nerdy, weird boys. At least they’re fun to talk to. I always sat next to Dean; it was like my designated spot. Dimitri always sat next to me. We used to talk about other stuff. We both loved video games-Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy 7 especially while the rest of the boys would talk about some weirdo games. Over that meal time, I didn’t touch my lasagne and Dimitri and I just talked. We became really good friends, and I think he might even like me. Wouldn’t you know it? The next day was Valentines day. It was raining so All activities were cancelled. We had free time. We could either go outside or stay in our cabins. I couldn’t take anymore of one of Andrea’s false stories so I went outside. Long behold, everyone else was outside. So I decided to talk to the boys and play a bit. I stared in awe at the guys and girls being turned down. it was so funny! While I was playing, an arm from the bush grabbed me and pulled me into the bush. I followed the arm, yelping, and it took me to an awesome place I haven’t seen at camp before. There was Dimitri. His sweet smile and I could tell he wanted to talk to me. “Karina, I know it’s not your birthday for a while, but I wanted to get you something anyway.” He said to me. All I could do was smile sweetly. I sat down next to him as he gave me the present. He put his arm around me and I felt strange warmth, like what I feel with my dad or one of my brothers. I opened a box-it was an iPod. I couldn’t believe he went through the trouble of getting me the iPod. I put the earphones in as Dimitri held the iPod. “It only has one song on it,” he said, “just press play.” It was Aeris’ theme. My eyes started watering as I covered my mouth with my hand. I started to think about what Sephiroth did to Aeris and I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. For about a minute I couldn’t breathe. Dimitri knew what was going on. “Please don’t think of it that way, think of the connection that Aeris had with Cloud.” Suddenly all my pain went away and I looked at him. I stared into his deep, dark eyes while he stared into mine. All he could say was “Happy valentines day” And all I could say was “Thankyou.”
the teenage cookie cutter drama not to mention an weird main character she's mean, and to top it off the writting needs some work but it was fun to read, i liked it.
You're too soft, this is beyond cliche and pointless. The main character is a bland, self centered, immature little twit, for the record. The story seems like it's about to take a turn down self insert alley and to top it off there are questionable choices in both dialogue and story telling littered about this piece. All that recommends it is the fact that there are few spelling and grammar errors. Please consider heavy revision and rewriting. I can't say if the idea is good yet seeing as you've got less than half a page here, but what you have so far is not good.
ouch, so much for softness. way to let her down easy . so much for trying to be nice. it would be interesting to see how would you react to this situation without the screen in front of you the one that covers you....the one that portrays your words. though you are right so i will commend you for your critique. kinda like what i said , but more detailed and way harsher.
FYI I talk like this IRL. I know it seems like a thing I'd do since I'm hiding behind the anonymity of the internet, I would say this either way.
well im not so sure about that but ill take your word for it. though sounds like something a girl would...a tomboish oh....youre a girl....i didnt think you were kinda eases my mind you are though..... though i still think your post was kinda harsh.
Ok, note that I said POSITIVE CRITISISM! not BASH ME UP BECAUSE MY WRITING IS SH!T CRITISISM! I'm only trying to get better in terms of my writing and I got put down so badly last time i wrote something i haven't written for months! You know what? I asked for critisism, but I asked for it positively because i didn't want people like you to drag me down. I'm gonna forget whatever you said about my writing because I don't need you to tell me that my writing is sh!t! I KNOW IT IS ****ING SH!T! I DON'T NEED ANY ****ING REMINDER THAT MY WRITING IS SH!TThe least you could've done was sympathise for coming out of my shell and starting to write again! Shot down! Yet again!
Whoa! Calm down SoS, Trogdor wasn't trying to hurt your feelings. He probably doesn't even know your a girl and you have feelings. Hun, read it. and really read it. it is very good. When you read it in depth, it depicts a scene that many high school girls dream about when they like someone. its getting into the depth of the real feelings of a thirteen year old girl. I've read the rest of your story, and trust me guys, you're gonna regret you said any of that. SoS might never ome on this forum again because she was so shot down. Scarred for life. She was trying to come up a level, improve and use whats left of her imagination. She's not a professional writer but she's a beginner. I won't even bother to say what I thought because you'll probably never come again.
ouch hun, im sorry, let me help you. the main, character needs more backstory, even when she's the "smart beautiful teen, who's different from everyone", she still needs a better protrayal, everything she does, how she reacts, i think you got the feel of a real teenage girl right there. wich is actually very good , because its a breather from fictional personalities. this actually sounds, like a diary of sorts. okay, the writtring needs more detail. not too much just try to describe things a bit, but because of the nature of the story "being told through the eyes of a teen, this part isnt that prominent. now, since youre character does not sound fictional , the characters around her shouldnt be either(or at least not all). now, the ending part was really...beautifull, except that, the boy, is the kind of "prince charming type", if something this is fine if he doesnt really talk that much, but overall he's ok. i actually, liked the fact that it was short, not really a hassle to read. but not as fluently, as trogdor, i suggest you check out her stories. btw, hun. you need to take everything positively, you see, some people might like your work, some might not. you know trogdor , really gave you great advice, instead of feeling bad read it. because if she really didnt care , she would have just left an insulting comment. or just critized your bad points without advice, so dont bite the hand that feeds you. as for you diamond angel the scarred for life thing. sorry , but giving her self-pity, wont help at all. i think trogdor gave her great advice, and if you read the story , you should have done the same. and youre comment about no feelings, trogdor is a girl , and im a boy, how's that for you!? next time think things through before saying things like that, k? so, SoS , dont feel bad, just keep going , practice makes perfect. and be thankful, that an arrogant person didnt come here, that it was me and trogdor, because, people can be really rude at times. and trogdor was firm and down to earth. now, do you have a second part?
1stly-Um, FYI, I've read the story, the whole story! she felt it was good enough to post here. You guys were like her elite judges. 2ndly- She does have a second part but i can't remember it. Something about a party with the ten *****y girls pressuring her to drink and stuff. she wont post it. the best i can do is tell you what i can remember. Throughout the story, she becomes further away from him because the other girls want her to hang out with them and eventually Dimitri leaves the school, I think. 3rdly- i am terribly sorry if I offended you or anything like that. i was only trying to sympathise for her. And soz about the gender confusion Trogdor
