The Completed Organization Chapter 2

This is a shocker chapter!


Chapter 2…

“Where do you think you two are going?†Larxene asked the two as she walked in from the dining room…
“I’m showing Roxas Twilight Town,†Axel said…
“Mind if I join you?†she asked criss-crossing her arms…
“Uh…sure I guess,†Roxas spoke… Larxene grinned…
“Right, then let’s go!†Axel yelled with excitement…
Axel opened up a corridor, along with Larxene…Roxas put his hand out in front of him and thought of Twilight Town…
A Corridor opened…
“Wow,†Roxas said.
“Walk through,†Axel said…once Roxas did, he ended up in an alleyway, in such a familiar place…
“Axel?†Roxas asked…Roxas heard some footsteps…
“Axel?†Roxas asked again…The person got closer and closer…
“Larxene? Axel?†Roxas asked…
“No…I’m not anyone you know…†the man spoke…
“Then who are you?†Roxas asked…
The man stood in silence…
“Answer me,†Roxas said…The man had on a hood on with a pair of jeans…The hood covered his face…
“I’m, The Night Stalker…†he answered…He grabbed Roxas’s arm and forced him down the alleyway…
“Let go!†Roxas yelled…The man completely ignored his commands…
“Please! Let go!†Roxas yelled trying to break free…
“The Night Stalker doesn’t show mercy…†the man spoke again…
Roxas got wide eyed…
“Please!†Roxas yelled. The man turned around and shoved him into the wall cause him to pass out…
“Finally got that kid to shut up…†the man said…He grabbed Roxas’s motionless body and carried him the rest of the way down the alleyway…

*Meanwhile in Twilight Town…*

“Where could Roxas be?†Axel asked…
“We were both there, and we both saw him leave…†Larxene said…
“Do you think?†Axel started…
“Do I think what?†Larxene asked…
Axel stared at her and Larxene stared at Axel…
“The Night Stalker!†Axel yelled…
Axel opened a corridor and ran through…He appeared in the alleyway and started yelling for Roxas… Larxene popped out of one…
“Axel, why would The Night Stalker want Roxas?†Larxene asked.
Axel looked at Larxene…
“The Night Stalker has had his eyes on Sora for a while…I think he thinks that Roxas thinks he knows where Sora is…†Axel said…
“Say what now?†Larxene asked in a calm voice…
“The Night Stalker thinks that Roxas can lead him to Sora…â€Axel said.
Larxene and Axel began running down the alleyway…
They saw The Night Stalker after running for 10 minutes…
“HEY!†Axel yelled…The man turned around in surprise…
Axel and Larxene stopped about 10 yards in front of him…
“Put him down!†Axel yelled…
The Night Stalker removed his hood…but it was no he…It was a she…The voice changed…She had pink eyes and long white hair
“Roxas has no life from now on…â€
“I thought you were a man,†Larxene asked.
“With my hood on, it hides my identity…Now you know mine…â€she said.
“Roxas has a liwith me as his friend.†Axel said.
She raised her hood up and the voice changed back…
“Roxas is coming with me, so back off!†they yelled. The Night Stalker threw his hand towards them and a REALLY strong wind pushed them back a long ways…The Night Stalker opened up his teleporter and walked through…
“Roxas!†Axel yelled…
“What are we going to tell Xemnas Axel?†Larxene asked…
Axel stared at Larxene…
“We will have to tell him eventually…

 

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN. you could do alittle bit more with Roxas' emotions, and it could flow a bit smoother, but other than that i thought it was good
:D

FIRST POSTNESS!

 

Nobodies have no feelings though...

 

Well like fake emotions.... Just more detail in general.

 

Awesome story girl!!!!

 

The Night Stalker....*snerk* So cheesy. Dangerously cheesy. I'm sorry, but I cannot take that character seriously with such an alias. ROFL.

Although I like the story line, it's just that name. Not quite so original lol, but amusing. I'd just like to suggest that sentences like this one should be modified to not sound so static:

"...threw his hand towards them and a REALLY strong wind pushed them back a long ways..."

Yeah um, fourth grader much? Some of the sentences aren't very developed, but I think if you put some effort into slacks like this it would improve the atmosphere of the writing. And you don't always need to call them by name. There's a reason the English language has pronouns, besides that fact that it's ******ed and indecisive. They add variety to a sentence, hence making it sound more mature. Don't open it with "The Night Stalker", but rather just say "she", "he", or "they" if you want to imply how Axel and Larxene are unaware of the gender. It becomes very repitious, hearing such a name several times in consistency. Anyway, a kind of redline example, if you will:

"The hooded figure thrust his hand towards the pair, cueing a magnificently forceful wind that push them back an immense distance..."

See how pretty it looks? :3

 

Okay for one thing, I'm in the 8h grade....and another....This si my first time writing stories about Kingdom Hearts 2 and the Organization/...I think I'm doing pretty good about it to :D

 

Yeah!! I like this story series a lot so far!!! KEEEP WRITING FOOOOR MEEE!!!!!

 

Nice Story! I like it!!!! :D

 

When I said 4th grade much I wasn't trying to say that I actually thought you were in 4th grade, I was more or less saying the sentence merely sounded elementary. And I'm not critising your idea at all, just the format ;3

~On the note, I'm in eighth grade also (´▽｀);

 

Alright, scratch that comment I left for you in the first chapter. This is so totally diffrent from my own story line. Yeah, I think Alice's first comment you should listen to. She does have a point about the whole *making the sentances look and sound better* thing and *stop repeating names over and over* thing. For a first time fanfic, yeah, it's going well. Keep it up, let's see what happens in your next chapters.