That's it...

Alright. I'm going to admit, I've tried to kill myself a lot of times. And there are quite a few reasons....

And y'know, I didn't want to go to the 'help with life' thread, cause I don't want to be another kid who was tired of life, whom everyone hated, always got disrespect.

I'm not another one of those kids, and I don't want to be seen as another one of those kids, because I have feelings, and one of the reasons I almost killed myself was because of that. I'm unique, and I tired of people treating me like I'm the same as everyone else. My mother even compares me to my sister, thirteen years older, sucessful nurse.

I'm just so tired of it all, the disrespect, the feeling of being useless, the yelling, the crying...

I need help. Here's kinda my story...


I was born into a pretty poor family. I had alcoholic parents, my mom owning a bar, and my dad working himself to death. I had two half sisters, Shawna and Jade, who are both thirteen years older than me. Jade was adopted by my father at the age of two months, the one I never really knew, the one I've only seen a few times in my life. Shawna, caught up in school and everything left me when I was five to go get married to a crazy mexican who just married her for his green card, so he wouldn't be sent back to mexico.

We lived upstairs from my mom's bar, in southeastern wisconsin. when I was about one and a half or so, we moved out to a small town suburb. we lived in a beautiful house, where I was happy as ever, my family full, more toys than a little girl could ever dream of.

but after my sister moved out, it went downhill. I was lonely. My parents started to fight. We were losing money, gaining bills, and no one could ever get along. my other relatives never cared for me, my family never on good terms with eachother. I never had any friends, ever. I never wanted that many toys. it made me feel... more empty, I would say.

When I was seven, my father was in the shower, my mother at work, I was emptying the dishwasher. when I was putting away the knives, I thought about what would happen if was dead. I put the knife to my wrist, but thought it was wrong. I left a tiny scratch...

After that, my father had a heart attack. my mother got in a car accident, and ended up lying to police. I was so scared. My grandmother killed herself that same year, and two years later, my other grandmother died, ending up all my fault because I never told the doctors what she would have gotten, and I should have. She did beat me, but I didn't care. I always took it upon myself when it came to blame.

So when I was nine I tried to kill myself. I ended up seeing a doctor who deserved to be in a mental institution herself. Jeez, was she crazy.

About a year and a half later I ended up going to another doctor. I still had no friends, my father left, and my fighting with my mother not only continued but worsened.

This year, I have had three suicide attempts. I had one best friend, who turned me in and I ended up with a social worker. it was because a rumor a guy had started about me being a whore. All year I've been disrespected, but this is it. I'm so tired of this. After that rumor, no one speaks to me. My mother hates me, her boyfriend hates me, my best friend hates me, and so does everyone else. I fight with my sister, and barely speak to my father.

No one understands me anymore, no one even likes me anymore, and I'm so close to killing myself again. I'm lonely and miserable, and it's not because I did anything, that's for a fact...


Can someone please help me, give me a reason to turn this around? I've gotten almost every reason in the book, and whole other book of reasons why it doesn't work...

I'm not crazy, I'm not stupid, I just... need help...

 

I understand your pain now. If you need help from someone, don't be afraid to ask someone you know in this website to help you. Example: Me. I helped several people in life. Just send me a PM.

 

I can't say that i know exactly what you are going through, but i've had my share of feeling on the outside. You just have to think of what's best for yourself and not care what anyone else thinks. You are here for one go at live, why be burdened down with other's ideologies? I know that this isn't the biography about you, I don't know everything about you, but the point remains, no matter how bad something is and you think it can only get worse, you are wrong, because there is always something that turns us around, and it's unique to each of us.

But know that even if we don't know half of everyone that is on this forum, we are all friends who are here for a reason. You aren't alone.

 

I want to point out something before I begin with some other advice and hope it is understood. Everyone that posts in the Help With Life section is just as unique as you are. We do not lump people up there as in 'it's just another one of these things'. Each person is important and you aren't more special than they are and they aren't either. Your problem to you is super important but you downplaying their problems is also wrong as some have had it -at least- as bad as you.

Having said that, I can empathize with you, having a brutal background and pondered killing myself when I was 13. However, I came to the discovery that I didn't really hate myself but instead despised the conditions I was living in and was angry at some of the people making it that way and myself for not being able to see a way out of it and wondering if I was just a big screw-up. I decided though to adjust the focus of my anger, and I decided to change myself to get out of the predicament when the time would come. You feel very alone. Anyone with that kind of strife around you would, but if you want to stop feeling suicidal, you need to realize first off that your life is worth living.

Some things you can do to feel better about yourself? Start thinking about what you would like to do with your life in the future. Do you want to go to college? Do you want to see another country? Do you want to make friends and be more social? Do you want to treat possible future children better than you were treated? These are some goals you can work on to make life worth more. Give yourself some much needed direction and then start making a plan for yourself. If it's to be more social and make friends, think of going somewhere public and meeting someone new perhaps. I am not sure how old you are but sometimes even getting a part time job is a good thing to earn some extra money and also be able to hang around co-workers, if you have a hard time with social gatherings and chatting with someone out of the blue. If it's something like going to college to get a good job, try focusing on your school grades and also just reading more and acclimating yourself with news, knowledge on topics you are interested in and such outside of your family.

One of the big things that helped me was to realize that even though I had to live with the conditions I was in for a few more years until I could get freer of it, was that I could also term my conditions to some degree. Also, 4 years isn't that long when you think about the span of life a human has. Try finding something positive you want to do, how you actually want to behave with others and feel in yourself and then mold yourself. We humans are very adaptable and can do amazing things when we want to. Do you have hobbies or things you enjoy doing or watching? What are your interests? These may be things that will help you cope and also set yourself up with a life that is more pleasant to live. The bad people and all will lessen in severity as you age, as to how much influence and power they have over you. However, if you aren't around to see that time come, well, that would just suck.

I am sorry you have faced so much trauma and death in your family. Seldom though is a child getting beaten on that child's fault. Children need punishments now and then surely, but beatings like that are usually the fault of a person who has a very foul temper and a lack of control of his/her life. That should tell you something here. These people around you don't have a happiness either and their grief and torment has been pushed on you and it's a vicious pattern you really need to see needs to be broken. No one asks to be put in a position of turmoil such as you have endured but you can harness this as experience and it can make you a stronger person. Knowing that you faced so many odds at such a young age can make you ready to tackle life as an adult and heck, you can even use it as knowledge to help others so they don't have to feel as you do right now. Life is hard, but worth it. You just have to work harder from the beginning so that later it can be valued all the more and maybe you won't take it for granted as other people sometimes do.

I hope this helped at all, as well as other people's comments here and that you will someday feel better about yourself. Don't give up or give in. As you age, you will gain more control of things in your life and not feel it is so topsy turvy and just going every which way it can to harm you. That is not all life is. I don't know your mentality really so perhaps giving us a bit more to work with as far as what you do like about life at all and what you might want to do with it, might help. If you aren't sure, this is the time to seriously think on it. What do you want to do? Where would you like to go? What sort of people do you want to meet? What are your aspirations and things you hope for? You don't have to answer here, but these are all questions you should think on.

 

thanks. it's not the easiest thing to talk about, but I'll consider it.​

Alright, for starters, I didn't mean to 'downplay' anyone who asks you guys for help or anything. I'm really sorry if it seems that way.

I know what you're saying, and I can't help but wonder what got you to realize that you needed to change the focus of your anger. I only really thought I was a screw up to my parents, that they wanted to put me up for adoption. They weren't the friendliest people in the world, my father not the easiest person to live with, my mother not the easiest to keep peace with. I just always thought that since no one cared, it's not like I should care either. But that was way back when. I... I guess I know that people care, but it's me that still doesn't. A lot of people are still on my bad side, but most have done better. I've been really working on making this better.

And as an example of trying hard, I've tried to plan out my whole future: When I'm around sixteen, I'll get a job at Kohls part time, kinda like my sister did when she was in high school, she went to school and had a job, part time each, because I'm hoping to get enough credits to graduate early. At eighteen I'll move to either Paris, Baltimore, or Los Angeles with my best friend, Laura, and I'll go to college to become a scientist and during/afterward I want to work on my dancing too. This fall I wanted to go try for A.O.K. again, the dancing company I used to work for. On top of that I wanted to do volleyball, and I've always tried to get a 4.0 on my report cards. So far I'm pretty close to succeeding, since I'm going to be in enriched science next year.

Well I guess I'll just leave it at that. thank you for the help and suggestions.

I hope you can read this xD ​

 

Okay then.

 

I hope you become successful with your plans. Also if you want a friend, you could try being penpals with students from other contries. I'm pretty sure there's a program out there like that.

 

Suicide is a selfish attempt to escape the problems you can't handle. You think your family has problems now? Well imagine all the emotional baggage they will have if thier daughter commits suicide. Think of more than just your self little girl, because the world goes on regardless of what happens to you and as rude as this my sound, you are just an insignificant part of this world. Your death won't even effect 1% of the worlds population. I suggest that you watch FullMetal Alchemist Episode 28: All is One, One is all. It might give you some insight as to where I'm comming from.

 

wow

i know ive been through some things, and well, you have been through a LOT

and well, i can tell you this

killing yourself as well...what ghetto said...

but really, you need to find the thing that will open your path....

for me...ive found it,....once i found that my path wasnt completly clear, but it became easier

and now, i can cope with things.....think, what do you think will open your path?

i try everyday to be a better person, thats just all i can do....

and im sure you can find that too, just keep going

thats as simple and clean as it gets (OK, i did not just say that XD)

 

death is never a solution for problems that are just temporary think about that =/

your parents seem like a problem if things get out of hand lock yourself in your room or something untill they are ok again .

and i much agree to allisonlove90s idea go for it
you seem to have found about this forum so you seem to have a ps2 and you have internet acces so money can't be that bad
if you can ,find a job so if you are willing to go to college you can maybe go

 

heh, I don't have a ps2, and my mother needs internet access. I barely have enough for clothing.

it seems like I have no path. how can I find it, let alone open it?

... I'm not sure how to respond to that....

I can't get ahold of other countries... :\ my mom would think Im crazy.

 

Wow, I'm so sorry.

To be blunt, however, suicide means that you are giving in, and you can't just coward out like that. I realize that its hard, you story was more than enough to tell me that, but you really need to hang on. Once you move out on your own, you will have many opportunities to improve your life.

Feel free to send me a PM or AIM me.

 

I didn't reply right away when I read this yesterday, because I didn't know what to say. But now I do know.

Below are a few reasons why you should endure to the end. You don't have to read them, but they could help.

1). You can help kids with the same problem, because you know what it's like.
2). Good times and bad times... neither one of them lasts.
3). Even if you don't see it, the rough life you're going through is making you stronger than ever. When you finally pull through it and look back at the life you had, you'll see how much you've grown.
4). NEVER give up. You only have one life time to make things right, to change things. Suicide is not the answer to solve this problem. Know this, that someone is always watching over you everyday constantly.

I may not have problems extreme as yours, but I do have my own trails. These are the things that help me to keep going, even when the rode of life gets bumpy. I hope they help you too. If you need someone to talk to, there's people on this website and even off the web who will listen. You may not see them around you at school or even at home, but there is someone out there you can talk to. You just need to find them.

Again I hope this helped you. PM me anytime you want.

~Friendly_Heartless

 

I think in the end what made me decide that suicide and homicide (because at times I really wouldn't have minded putting a person out of my misery no matter how ghastly today it sounds) was not the answer is because it hit me that if I had all that energy to put to things that were not only destroying others but myself, well, why couldn't I put it to better use and be creative instead? It just dawned on me that even though my family and I might not get along for some time if ever, there just were more reasons to live and not be in prison. They were really little to no help, though my dad sometimes did try. He just never understood what it was my mom was doing and I took the brunt of her frustration because I was the oldest and she compared me often to my dad who she was always mad at. I did end up getting work, getting out and I did meet kids younger than me that I spent time with helping them cope with their situations and they still, even though I'm gone to college and all, write to me and I see them now and then. Realizing that a good percentage had a chance of not graduating and also turning to a life of drugs like their parents had made me see I was doing something right. I may have had to fight, join the army to get the chance to go to college etc, but in the end, I feel I am a lot stronger now and though the past can hurt, it can make you stronger too, as Nietzsche liked to say.

I can see you have thought out this stuff a lot and you are doing good for yourself despite the animosity you are getting. That's basically what you need to hold onto. Family is important but if they are against you, that's just how they are going to be. Sometime they may regret their decisions of the past but don't let them deter you from succeeding at life. Part of their problems really is that that they are not happy with their own lives and that is not your fault. They are the ones with the issues and it has been passed onto you wrongfully so if you do need help, get it so you don't turn out like that, but definitely try to make some of these aspirations you have into the real deal. Take it as I had to and others have had to...that the way you were raised is definitely not how you want to raise your own children and that the way your parents are, you don't have to be that way either. They don't know how obviously to manage their anger and frustrations but you can learn and are fighting for it. You have some great goals set for yourself so don't give up and take the easy way out. Let's see how many of these things can become a reality instead because just think if you gave up early what all you and others around you would be missing.

 

Ok, so, get this....I came from a poor family too man. The only source of income was foodstamps and welfare. My dad was a deadbeat and all he did was get drunk and beat the **** out of my mom. I admit, I've tried killing myself more than once. But you know what I've realized? Doing that doesnt help you. it doesnt help the situation. All it will succeed in doing is hurt those that are already victimized by abuse(of any kind really).

The only thing you can do, as I've preached to my younger brothers as well, is keep your head up. Break the chain of abuse, grow big, and dont make that same mistake. Show the world, show yourself, and most of all, show your PARENTS what it means to be a good person. It's not easy, ohh trust me you will be tried. there will be blood, and sweat and tears along the way, but once you break through that cloudy spot, you see the sunshine of life again, and if your lucky, someone will be there holding your hand when you get there.


in retrospect. Don't give up. look to yourself for support, find a different relative to look at as a role model. Buck up, fight through it, your not alone. If you ever need to talk, I'm here to listen.

 

First of all, love, a thousand props to you for admitting that you need help. It's never easy to ask for help, and it's truly amazing that you are seeking help when you most need it, instead of denying like most of the others. I just hope that whatever I say, or whatever the others have said will in someway help, and you will take into consideration.

Honestly speaking, hun, I can empathize with you, but perhaps only to a certain extent. I cannot fully understand the pain you suffer from now, because I'm not you, nor have I lived your life. But I'll say this to you , sweetie, never . . . NEVER look to suicide as a resolution, because it is not. I know that you understand that well, because you are here and seeking help, and it's a good thing. Life has been harsh for you, harsher than mine. Heck, compared to yours, mine is nothing but a speck of dust. I've faced difficulties and much cruelty from my parents, that surely no child might want to hear, feel or go through, but I've used them as my strength. I've used my painful experiences as the cane of my support that keep me standing tall today. What you must remember is, that you are still young, my dear, YOUNG. Life still lies ahead of you. Anything and everything you face are only temporary. I know it may not seem that way at the moment, considering that you've been seeming to be in the same place and environment in a continuous circle, for the most part of your life, but, hun, trust me . . . “Suicide is a permanent solution to a TEMPORARY problem.” Yes, temporary. And I know I keep bringing this quote up, but it is true. What you are going through is temporary. There will be a time when all this will be nothing but a distant and dark past. Like I've said, hun, you are young, and life still calls for you, so don't you dare take the easy way out. Life is harsh and cruel, we all know, we all understand it, and some of us understand it better than others. That's just the way life was designed, no life is perfect. Yours obviously wasn't, and neither was mine, but you've got to fight for your life and your rights in the line of life. That is one of the purposes of life, to be able to go through the harsh times, to be able to make yourself stronger for your own sake. Suicide is not worth committing, love, it really isn't worth it. And, I say all this after a few attempts of my own [as far as being in the hospital for quite a while] not so far back, and believe it or not, I do regret it. I'll admit that there's still a part of me that wishes for it to end, a part of me that makes me take the stupid steps that I do take now, which evidently puts me in dangerous and risky situations, but the part wanting to live in me is greater, or at least, I MAKE it believe that it's greater. I know that this sort of corney lecture was probably the LAST thing you needed, but I'll lecture you anyway.

You play the blame game, and in that game, the victim is you. You blame yourself for the reasons that aren't your faults at all. It seems easy at the moment, to blame it all on you, but you're only hurting yourself more than necessary. The people around you will have pointed fingers at you, and they will continue to do so, but you have a choice here: You can either cower before their accusation, or you can stand up to it and speak your mind. You being called a whore for a mere inane rumor only reminds me of me. My culture doesn't take it that well if a young girl strays too far, and by “far”, meaning me -only- wearing all black and suddenly dubbed the Devil Child, a Satanist and among many other things, around the South Indian community in my neighborhood. Many often go as far as to run across the street to the opposite sidewalk if they see me coming that way. Sad, ignorant people, a bunch of nitwits. I've even been treated with threats from my parents with disownment and to send me back to my country just because a boy had called my house early Saturday morning. Honestly . . . Disrespect, I've seen it, I've felt it, I KNOW it, hun. I've lived it. I've stood up to it, and must do the same. Stand up and if necessary, put -them- down. Your so-called best friend, no, that is NOT a best friend, who will hate you for such an inane reason. I'm sorry, but that definitely is not a friend at all. A friend accepts you for who you are, whether be it true or false. If your friend is hating you for a reason that is totally false and unreal, then he does not deserve your attention at the least bit.

You need to do some soul searching. You have to find the thing that intrigues you, that attracts you to life, and, hun, it's out there. I've told you, you are still young, a life of freedom, opportunities lie ahead. Do you not want to taste freedom? Do you not want to see what it at least feels like to be able to be free from everything? Build an ideal future for yourself and lead and progress your life towards it. If it helps being delusional, then do it. If it requites you to cope with everything and make you pretend that everything is ok, then do it. Paint a picture of the life you wish to have and make it real. Leap for the future, and don't sit in the misery feeling sorry for yourself. Life is a lonely place, and unfortunately, many become lonely and stranded earlier than others . . . but use this strength to make yourself be who you want to be. Get your mind out of ending your life. Life is cruel, yes, but its making it's way for the happier time to come, believe it or not. Focus on your future, focus on your present, and look to the brighter side to everything rather than the darker side, and stop blaming yourself. Use what you've faced and seen in the past and present to make yourself a better person. Find the thing you desire most. Look for what you want. What kind of future you want to see for yourself. Look for it, find it, reach for it, hold it, live it, love it.

I know it's easier said than done . . . but just go for it, hun.

 

Beauty...

I'm always so worried about you,I don't want you to die, ever, not like this, you've got the potentional for anything, you know me well enough that if you die, i'd never be able to forgive myself...
I don't want to find out one day that your never coming back...
I know you've had problems in the past and at present it's still pretty cr@p, but your future is not worth losing, your going to be happy one day, even if I have to drag your butt into happiness!!

Please don't give in to the pain, your mind... your soul...it's worth so much too so many people, you know how much it means to me, please!!
Once you go, you can never come back...
I never want to think your going to go...

Christ, you know how long i'll go on with this! XD

 

I would recommend getting an outlet. Whether it is a job, hobby or game, you need something to distract. A religion could be good too. Hell, even coming on here is great, right?

I would try to say more, but I do not have enough knowledge to suggest anything more. All I know is that getting something to do would be a good idea. If all you have is an uncaring family and a crud school life, sure, nothing to look forward to. But if you have something you enjoy, you can look forward to it, and make it a support.

 

Look at all these people helping! Don't say just yet no one cares about you, please. There's really not much I can say that's not already been said. Strong kingdom945, all I want to say is that everyone can't always understand another. You, after all, have had a BAD life, one no one should have to live. Do you ever want anyone else to feel the same pain you go through? I'm happy no one knows what pains I go through, myself. I actually try my hardest to make sure nobody understands it, or feels bad at all! I want you to start searching your hardest for your own, great life for yourself. I will hope for you the best I can! ^_^

Thanks to the strength of all who's pulled through their own problems now and now live a happy and healthy life. Thanks to everyone who's been commenting so far, too. I feel great to see that this many people actually care. :)

For kingdom945: see my signature?

 

You've tried to kill yourself at age seven and at age nine? I don't have any help for you...I helped Brandon out once, but he's my friend, so I know him more than you, and his personality. Honestly, I don't believe that you've tried to kill yourself at age seven, maybe nine, but not seven. So really, I can't help you. Life will get better, trust me, I've gone through some ruff crap myself, I'm sure EVERYONE has, but you don't see them killing themselves do you? Think of what Ghetto said, it's selfish to kill yourself, if your family is going through a hard time, imagine what would happen if their daughter died?