^ Lol uber lame title. xD OKAY SO IM GONNA EXPLAIN THIS TO YA'LL There is Kay, main character, shes fighting zack (evil guy) for her kingdom back [/uber lameness] Sab and Jerome are some of Kays bestfriends, and Rose is someone they meet along the way, BTW everyone is human besides Rose who is an elf. And I think that explains up to this point ._. God its been a long time since Ive posted something in this section. o.o And this is PG-13 in my eyes, dont know about you guys. xD Oh and yes I totally just wrote this part which is like some where off in chapter 23 land xD Bear with me xD ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Don’t you dare hurt her.†(End of chapter) Chapter 23 or something like that xD It was Rose. Kay, Jerome, and Sabrina could all hear it in her voice. Her stern voice rose up across the battlefield. Zack paused in his tracks and whipped his head around, soon followed by his body. He lifted his chin and bellowed, “Who said that…†He emphasized every word, an icy cold feeling slipping between the words. With this, all of the fighting stopped. The clanking of swords feel silent, the quivers of bows stood still. The solders and men of both sides stood in the field and watched. A warm air swept over the field, coating the field in a warm glow. It was so silent you could hear a pin drop. Rose calmly stepped forward from behind the towering maple trees that surrounded the field. A small smile danced on her lips. She stayed there standing triumphantly, her once long gown had been tattered into a short skirt that barely went a foot below her waist. Her sleeves however remained not ripped, but torn in slits. The fabric that had covered her stomach at been ripped off by branches, and in its place stood air. Her breath was freighting steady. Streaming in the wind, her hair reflected off the sunlight and magnified it. It was her battle cry. “I’ll give you three guesses.†She giggled hysterically and grinned. She crossed her arms awaiting an answer. Her eyes twinkled mysteriously, like she was sharing a secret joke with herself. On looking solders started at her confidence and her hair flapping in the wind. Zack’s face grew red. He threw Kay down into the dirt and walked cautiously across the battlefield. As if on cue, Jerome and Sabrina rushed to Kay’s side as soon as she hit the ground. The men parted out of Zack’s way. Making a direct path. Rose stood her ground, her face calm and collected, but her eyes were still twinkling. Even though the smile was no long displayed proudly on her face, she still hinted it around the corners of her lips. Zack quickly approached her. He towered over her petite figure, standing at least a foot over her. “An elf?†He questioned, taking note of her pointed ears. “No actually, I’m a dwarf, I’m just tall for my age.†She responded, her face showing no fear, but the smile was still on the verge of her mouth. Her eyes no longer twinkled but they were now in deep thought. She giggled a little and then her face returned to showing no emotion. “Well, well, well…†He hissed. “It is an elf.†He turned to his men and shouted full of laughter. “Look what they have brought to stop me! An elf!†His men laughed half-heartedly. Zack turned back to Rose. He stopped and paused. “Why you’re a pretty little one…†he exclaimed softly, running his finger down the side of her cheek. Rose felt the cold finger touch her. She flinched slightly, but still remained stature and composed. Zack slowly bent down so that they were at eye level. “It’s a shame I’m going to have to kill you… That is…†He started down at her breasts. He smiled, baring his teeth. He brought his finger down from her face and tenderly touched her right breast, licking his lips. “I’ve always liked younger women.†He laughed evilly and eyed her other breast and her skirt impatiently. Kay pondered from the other side of the battlefield. “What the heck is going on over there?†She thought out loud. Sabrina leaned in a little so that she was whispering in Kay’s ear. “Is he…touching her…?†Kay sat dumb founded on the ground and continued to watch intensely. Rose did what every other female is expected to do in that situation. She quickly brought her right leg up in the air and smacked Zack in the face with her heel. He was thrown off balance, and he stumbled into the grass. His eyes widened in surprise, a hint of anger gleamed in them. He narrowed his eyes into small slits. Rose just smiled slyly, the sun shown into her face. “I prefer to date people who aren’t morons.†Her eyes twinkled again. Zack slowly got back up. His pride was hurt, and he had been humiliated in front of all his men, by a mere child, a mere elf, a mere WOMEN! He took his time standing back up. His breathing was heavy and slow, and his breath slightly panted. “You’ll pay for that, you little *****.†He hissed out between his teeth, venom dripping from his words. Sweat covered and dripped down his face, black hairs sticking to his forehead. Taking his left hand, he lifted her up by her wrist so that her feet could no longer touch the ground and just dangled in the hair. Even though rose was clearly not in the position to speaking, she hissed right back at him. “Well at least I’m not your *****.†She stared him right in his cold eyes. At this. Zack took his other hand and twisted her wrist between the two. She squealed out in pain, and then she whimpered. Sparkles and confidence disappeared from her eyes, replaced with lines of tears. Raising his free hand up, he hit her over the head with his fist. She squeaked and shut her eyes gritting her teeth. She was determined not to let him benefit from this… Near by, Kay, Sabrina and Jerome were still watching. “Oh my god, is she trying to kill her self?†Sabrina exclaimed in a worried tone. Kay paused and looked down at her hands in her lap. “No, I don’t believe so.†She whispered gently. “She dirtracted him so that he wouldn’t kill me while he had the chance. She knew if she challenged him, it would hurt his pride.†Kay stared at the black clouds looming over head. Jerome sat their in silence. It started to pour. Zack still held Rose by her broken wrist. After all the hits and bruises he had endured, she was only semi-conscious. Her head was rolled over to one side, her hair cascaded down from her head like a waterfall. Zack took his free hand and cupper her chin in his palm. He thrust her head into the middle so that she was forced to look into his eyes. They stayed half closed and all other color had been drained from her lips, cheeks, and face. He smiled contently. “And just to think…you could have been queen.†He thrust her into the mud. Sabrina leaped up from besides Kay. She started running towards Rose. Zack pulled out his sword. “Nighty night.†He whispered. He thrust his sword up into the air. Sabrina had nearly reached them. Tears started to flow down Rose’s face, she screamed out helplessly. Zack began to bring down the sword. Sabrina leaped in front of Rose just as Zack brought down the sword. She took a small gasp and then her whole body went limp. Zack pulled out the sword, the blood on the tip intertwined with the rain and it turned a pinkish-red color. In that moment, only the pitter patter of the rain cold be heard. Sabrina’s body gracefully fell down to earth. The silence was broken with the thump of the body and then an ear splitting scream. “SABRINA!!!†Screamed Kay. She leaped up to go hug her friend, find her friend, ANYTHING, but Jerome grabbed her shirt and pulled her back down. She threw her face into Jerome’s chest and sobbed. The screams and sobs woke Rose up from her unconscious state and she picked her self up from the mud and ran into the surrounding woods. Sabrina’s dead body lay lying there in the mud. Her brown eyes stayed open, empty, lifeless, and vacant. Blood spilled out from the open wounded. Her white tunic was now stained with crimson and brow. She lay limp on the ground while Zack just laughed. He laughed. Kay’s sobs were uncontrollable. “No, oh god no, why now, why now, Sabby…Sabby…†The tears came so quickly and fast. She wept. She clutched onto Jerome and let the salty tears just flow down her face and cheeks. Because after months of travel, after all the hardships, the tears had finally come. Sitting there in the mud, in front of hundreds of solders, in the pouring rain, with enemy solders surrounding her, ready to capture her at any moment, it didn’t matter. Sabrina was gone. It just didn’t matter that much anymore. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ....CnC plz.
Writing Critique Um...I'm afraid to critique someone who has the power to ban my sorry butt. But, you did ask, so... Something about that seems a bit choppy. Maybe it could be replaced with: Using warm twice in the same sentence kind of loses its effect. You might want to consider using a synonym like "comforting," "musty," "pleasurable," or "sticky" depending on the context. The pin drop metaphor's a bit cliche. You could try using: Or something like that. ;) I'd take out "that" and use the word "surrounding" instead. She should be stepping "out" from the trees, not "forward." Forward is if she was already in front and visible. It's "stood there standing" and not "stayed." There should probably be a semi-colon after "triumphantly" instead of a comma because both parts of the sentence can stand on their own as sentences. A comma before and after "however" in the third sentence. You probably meant "had" not "at" in the first sentence. And "frighteningly," not "freighting." Or did you mean "fighting?" The first sentence still seems a bit choppy. Probably: The third sentence could be rearranged a bit better: I suggest combining the second and third sentences with a conjunction: I think "Onlooking" is one word. And did you mean "stared" instead of "started?" Or did you mean that the soldiers "were startled?" First underline, that was a mistake, right? Or were you trying to go for emphasis? Second underline, "longer," not "long?" Third underline. If a person is speaking and the quotation is part of a sentence, "He" shouldn't be capitalized. I could go on, but that's as far as I'm going for now. :dead:
Dude I love you you are my new best friend xD God, finally some who actually critiques my work xD Post people just suck up and go "Oh meh gee, I <3 it go on!" ...Seriously I could like kiss you for that post xD *fixes *
