So i was thinking of doing stand up for the talent show a while back and i wrote some stuff but i never got around to performing, so i figured i'd post it just for lulz. It's not that good, but you might chuckle a bit. maybe. Please note a lot of this was written late at night, and probably isn't funny unless you haven't slept for 36+ hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stupid teenage boy. I am just another stupid teenage boy. Yeah i know a few of you are sitting there like "omg nick your one of the smartests kids i know" You'd be surprised at how wrong you are. Show me a wall, and i will walk into it. I do this all the time. Usually when i get out of bed i walk into the hallway and end up only getting half of me lined up with the doorway. Walking into the kitchen, even more dangerous. There are knives in that place. Knives are fun but dangerous. I can't count how many holes i have in my socks, right between the toes, from all the knives i've dropped. (or failed to catch) There are also hot things in the kitchen. Me and hot things have never been the best of buds, and know that i'm older the relationship is really going downhill, based on the fact that down is the same direction my intelligence seems to heading. The phrase i use most in the kitched happens to be, and this is a good one, listen up, "I wonder if it's hot yet," which is usually followed by me shoving my hand in the freezer and trying not to scream like a little girl, because, guess what? It's always hot. Always. I have ruined countless things being stupid. Most of the times it's not that i'm stupid, it's that i have no depth perception. The other day i tried to nonchalently lean against the wall and ended up pretty much tackling my wall because i thought it was A LOT farther away than it actually was. Kicking at balls that are six feet away, shooting the ball twenty feet past the basketball hoop, if it has to do with distance and is embarrasing, i bet i've done it. I've never broken a bone, which is amazing. "Hey dude. See that squirrell? Betcha i could tackle that sucker. Watch this" Says the stupid teenage boy, landing face first in a tree "Dude i could totally clear that bonfire" Says the stupid teenage boy, singeing all the hair off his legs for the next year. (This is my favorite) "Dude, you can run fast, right?" Seconds later, the sirens start. Terry Shivao Burger. So when i hear veggie burger, i don't think of it as an alternative to an actual burger, i usually think Terry Shivao Burger. Think about it. They have all those forms like Do not resuscitate and stuff, but what if they had one more no one knew about? The TIVB. Turn into veggie burger? Check yes or no. So guess what? If you've ever eaten one of those, your not a vegetarian, your a freaking cannibal. SUCK ON IT, YOU STUPID VEGETARIANS. The Ninja Gather 'round children, it's time for a story! This is called The Ninja. It's about my sister megan. I was seven years old and playing out with my friends in their driveway. My older sister megan was there too, she was twelve at the time. Suddenly i couldn't see megan anymore, i had no idea where she had gone! I looked around and suddenly, she leaped out of a bush onto the ground and, yelling, "Hey nick, let's play ninja!" knocked out my two front teeth with her hand. So, a few days later, being the resourceful little kid that i was, i called to my sister, "Hey megan, let's play ninja!" and threw a ninja star into her eye. There's a moral to this story, children, would you like to know what it is? The moral is: DON'T KNOCK MY F*CKING TEETH OUT Stand up material(maybe) My mom hates me because i'm growing, she tries to kill me on a daily basis, if only to save the hundreds she spends on food and new clothes for me every month. She's getting good, too. "Well, it looks like asprin, but it tastes like...CYANIDE! Ha, nice try, mother, maybe next time." My dad tried to kill me off when i was little. We were playing baseball in the backyard, i was about six. Being the pitcher, i threw the ball to my dad, and he hit it pretty far, but he also let go of the bat mid-swing. The thing didn't even turn around or anything, just flew straight as an arrow towards my forehead. Having the reflexes of a dead goldfish, i simply stood and watched as it came towards me, eventually hitting me right between the eyes, almost knocking me unconcious. My dad runs over and, being the unsensitive jerk he is, the first thing he said was "You could've ducked" God i hate my father.Baseball has never been my sport though. I was about eight or nine, and i was playing baseball with my friends in the backyard. So i got up to bat and after two strikes, (told you i wasn't very good) i hit it very high up and started running. I get to about second base and i look up and think "Hey, a baseball is coming towards me, maybe i should catch it." I should've let it drop. I caught the baseball and somehow got myself out. The next kid up was laughing too hard to bat properly. Ok, that's a lie. It didn't happen when i was eight, it happened last year. I'm actually not good at any sport. I actually came up with a maneuver, i call it "The Tatnall" It's when your playing basketball and you make what seems to be a really good shot and it does that thing were it spins around the rim for a while. Only in " The Tatnall", the basketball doesn't go in like you were hoping it would, it spins around a bit more, then it flies out of the hoop and hits you in the nose. This has actually happened to me before. The words i never want to hear come out of your mouth. "i would so bang that chick" No, you would date-rape her. There is a difference between yes, and a roofie in her drink. Big difference between "hey, wanna go to my place?" and her duct-taped to the bed of your truck, *******. And trust me, saran wrap doesn't cut it, she will have your baby. P.S. It will be the ugliest baby to ever walk the earth, and it is all your fault. Pool sex. Pool sex. Wouldn't that be weird? It would take forever, don't you think? Cuz like regularly moving in water is already kinda weird. Would having sex in a pool be the same as having sex on the moon? They train astronauts in water for so they get used to space gravity. Wouldn't it suck if you were like, scuba diving, and someone came along and just started screwing you? I would hate that. "HOT DAMN NOT AGAIN, WHERE'S MY FREAKING HARPOON GUN" So the real message here is. If you don't scuba dive with a harpoon gun, your screwed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those were pretty good, actually. I normally don't like this type of humor, but it was pretty good. Nice job. =)
LOL I REALLY LOVED THE HARPOON ONE. The idea of being screwed as in, things not going well but then also being fcked...that was actually nice. You should keep it up. If you plan on being a stand up comedian, I'd watch you.
I did chuckle a bit. This is usually stuff I find kinda stupid but it's not so bad when presented this way. Self deprecation is a plus too.
