Spectrum of Open Eyes // Pulse's Poetry

I think I explained it a little yesterday. Stuff like "sun" and "begun", "sky" and "by", "head" and "said", sounds a bit...I can't think of the word. But now that I think about it, I guess it's just a pity complaint, cause it is still good :]

 

Well, I actually liked the sun and begun part. But I suppose I could expand and create and use new words that are better. Thanks

Finding something

My brittle bones cause the revision of my soul
It sparks a light inside of me
Engulfed in the dimming disgrace
Echoes crawling up my arms
Resorting to taking glimpses of my future
Assuming that I am capable to envision
Such a justified behavior
Unable to follow my dreams
Cursed to never hear my conscious
A gust of wind grasps onto me
It mentions a solution to my problem
Letting me go in a swift forward motion
Bound for a destiny beyond this place
Unknown and teetering on the edge of nothing
Bluffing about myself to my peers
In an endless cycle of deceit
Captivated by some outside source
Mesmerized by a flashing pixelated song
My soul settles by shrugging to the outside world
Letting the dead plague of humanity devour the earth as I pass by
With an overwhelming idea of accepting defeat
My compass leads me north
Planets resting on my shoulders
A deceiving conclusion that recreates a former experience
A pitiful and passionate rememberance
Painting a blank wall to form myself
Determined to have a stitch of reality
If these walls could speak they'd mutter quietly
How a picture is not always what it seems
Vague clouds of time bubble inside of me
Speaking riddles that gain my respect
Pausing as a turn to the next chapter in my life
I take heed of what you meant to me

 

Your best yet. I love the symbolism and use of extensive vocabulary, without going overboard, keeping a simple style to it. It's epic, and cute, and strong, yet frail. I love it :3

 

Hmmm. I did like this, for the best part of it. It is nice to see a wider range of vocab being used in your writing, but I can't quite make sense of some lines in this, halez.

I can't quite grasp the meaning of this line, and with it being the opening line, I do find it critical that I know what it means, as this is what people are going to read first and foremost, and you do want to make a good impression for what the rest of the poem is going to be like, right?

This may be metaphorical, I don't know. A flashing pixelated song? Is this meant to be personification, or have you encountered some verb confusion here? I'm assuming it's personification, but I just wanted to double-check.

Another vibe that I felt in the middle of this piece, was that you struggled slightly? Maybe it's just me getting picky; I'm not sure.
Just remember not to go overboard, or try too hard with using an extended vocabulary. It tends to take a bad effect on the writing if you use too many metaphors to an extent where the reader has to dig deep to find the meaning behind the long words.

Otherwise, cute poem halez <3

 

Thanks

Well, first off I am just trying to use different words in my writing. So that I don't feel as though every poem is describing the same thing. I don't want all the poems to sound the same. And since I'm taking a creative writing class, my teacher is guiding us to be better writings including to use different methods to find and describe things differently.
I didn't actually struggle to write this poem at all. I struggled writing the last one, but I'm pretty confident about this one. I actually like it.

The first line pretty much means how the person is getting weaker and weaker; she doesn't quite no how to deal with herself and how to view people anymore. She wants to revise and reflect on herself as a person. If that makes sense...

With the flashing pixelated song line; I wasn't really intending it to be personification. She was mesmerized by it. I guess when I was writing it I thought that the song would help her to find out who she trully is. I honestly don't know now o.o

And I wasn't struggling. o.o My poems are pretty much always simple. So I am just trying to get better,Emz. Use better words and such to be descriptive and tell a story in a poem. And in my opinion, which shouldn't be taken as a fact obviously; I think it's good to think when reading a poem or a story. Thanks for the crit. <3

 

Cliche Seasons Poem

Branches weaving over streets
Releasing leaves with bold pigments
Falling to the earth and becoming shapeless
A blurry angle from within my camera
Water droplets join this wonderful milieu
Reaching down to touch our planet
A divine setting in which we spend our time
Pondering whilst staring outside our frame
That separates us from bold adjustment
Dying greenery drops it's last shelter
Becoming vulnerable to nipping wind and falling ice crystals
Storms surround these fleeting months
A fever might awaken a broad transition of environment
Springing in bright blossoms
Radiant shrubs arising from their shells
Tepid temperatures filling my lungs
My clothes become shorter
The scorching sky begins to make an appearance
Blazing and a longing for something cool and refreshing
Until the cycle starts again

 

Ohoho, what do we have here?
Something smells like a good poem ;]
It's either that or my toast is burning.

Bit of a long sentence here, luvvie. perhaps break it down a little? It disrupts the nice flow you have going on.

ANYWHO!

I really like this [: sexysexysexywinterSpringSummerAutumn<3

I request you make a rhyming poem about Christmas. Please? Just fur meh? <3 :lolface:

 

Okay, I editted it to become two seperate lines. Good or no? Thanks for the crit once again,hun.

Thanksthanksthanks <3

Okay. But you'll have to wait a month or two :lolface: <3

 

Okay, I read all of your poems, and I must say that I enjoyed them...A lot!

You've gotten better at this, and while you don't really use the most extensive vocabulary, the words get across, which is very good.

I'll be checking this often.

 

Thanks, hun. That means a lot. c:

The One​

The one who doesn't care
The one overwhelmed by hatred
The one consumed by drama
The one eating her way to a bleak life
The one surrounded by false trust
The one playing her peers
The one hiding any sign of emotion
The one with a fake smile
The one that longs for something she'll never get
The one covered in plastic
The one hiding behind a colorful cloth
The one without a heartbeat
The one who could leave you for dead
The one who will talk about you to everyone
The one who will make your private life her business
The one who will mess with your mind and draw tears
The one that will drive you to make bad decisions
The one who would do anything for affection
The one who is deprived of a father
The one who is spoiled by her mother
The one who will make you a murderer
The one who will make a creative mind set to kill
The one who is a waste of brain cells
The one that will make you feel insignificant
The one that will drown you in your own tears
The one who will steal your friends
The one who might one day bring you to suicide
The one who will make your style seem irrelivant
The one draping you with a phony life
The one who will try to clone you
The one who will attempt to control you
The one who might one day crush your dreams
The one who scratches at your eyes
The one who claims to know everything
She doesn't
She will try to hurt you
She won't destroy you
She can't delete you
You will overcome her, like I did
Overcome the one ​

 

I liked your latest here; repetition was used wisely, and wasn't wrong executed in any parts.

<3 well done.

 

I liked this one, even if it's pretty much "teen" styled, and yet it remains darker and more mature. I like it, and for some reason, I couldn't stop reading it. I specially liked the end. You've got a pretty strong and creative mindset, it seems.

I really like your poems.

 

I really haven't posted here in forever. But these are some poems I wrote about a month ago, I wanted to update this. Comment and all that. I'd love some critique because I'm really trying hard to improve with writing. Thank you.

Teenagers
We will learn from our mistakes
We all have to face ourselves one day
Whether we want to see ourselves or not
We will follow ourselves until we find ourselves
And we will cry and scream at the sight of us
Because we've waited so long for this
And we can't feel it at all
We just woke up​

Atlas
The sun is awakening
The night is transitioning into day
Dew covered grass from yesterday's tears
Disappear into the breaking of the dawn
Cosmic lights won't be my shelter
Won't be my solution
The weight has risen off my shoulders
My head is clear
My tears will dry
My mouth with arc
I can't live without a change
I know it'll be okay

Sharp
As it falls in rich blades
It cuts through me as it lands upon my skin
The jagged texture comforting me, as I continue
And the warm feeling it arises
Is only the feeling of me letting go
But the hardness of the words to come
Might just cease the pain above
From inside my body it's like a drill
Forms an oasis in my dry humour
A throbbing pulse of headaches, ablaze
The soles of it, worn, as it runs down
Blotching and red, it's spreading disease
I am simply fighting it back, to remain a stone
But I fail, as I've always learned to accept
That tears are the sharp denial of what's kept.​

 

Gahh, I forgot to CnC yesterday. Sorry 'bout that.

Anyways, I enjoyed these poems a lot. they seem to express a lot of the young sentiment. I do enjoy your older ones a bit more, but these are accompanied by a richer vocabulary, and the rhymes are good.

I enjoyed "Teenagers" the most out of these, it feels like a look towards tomorrow. I know I can't give any CnC, since there's nothing bad here, but do continue to write wonderful poems.