Spam Wars

I love how my Cookie Castle is playing a role in this. :3

Please, continue~​

 

this is so lulzy

i wonder who jabba and greedo will be (:

 

The atmosphere within the Cookie Castle was something Luke could never have prepared himself for. By all accounts, the interior should have matched the jaded and discarded exterior, however the interior was lush with vibrant colors smattering the walls. Members as diverse as the flavors of cookies offered chatted and ate, all the while enjoying the enchanting music of the Hippie Jesus Cantina Band. DMaster watched with amusement as each band member rocked out and moshed together on stage to a jazzy upbeat tune.

T-3CO hobbled in, nearly toppling Luke as his sensor board and stress level rose as the catalogue of rogue members could be seen at every both and bar stool. A young man stood on the opposing side of the bar, refilling glasses while also dishing up plates of mouth watering deserts. Repliku silently extracted himself from the group, and before DMaster could notice, he was elbowing his way along the bar, striking up a conversation with the man who nodded, and pointed toward a towering figure dominating the far end of the bar.

DMaster walked forward, heading toward Repliku, until a shrill alarm echoed from the archway. DMaster turned, staring at a security grid separating T-3CO and SORA-13 from entering. The man turned toward the doorway, “We don’t serve their kind.”

Luke looked back at the bartender, confused. “What do you mean their kind?”

The man scowled, “Droids are unwelcome here. They will have to wait outside, we don’t serve them.”

As DMaster prepared a challenge, he noticed that a number of patrons had turned their focus directly towards him, some resting their hands beneath tables, unholstering weapons. DMaster turned, swallowing loudly. “Maybe it’s best you both wait outside…you know put quarters in the meter and stuff like that…”

“I believe that to be the wiser of two evils sir.” TCO expressed, glad to be rid of having to enter any further. This appeared to have pleased the onlookers as the din of conversation returned to full regalia.

Luke took stock of his surroundings as he approached the bar, noticing that Repliku was deep in conversation with the being at the end of the bar still. DMaster stepped up quickly to the bar as a position opened. The man behind the counter sat slowly polishing a plate, never taking his eyes off of DMaster. Quickly, DMaster scanned a menu. “I’ll have a plate of peanut butter cookies.”

“Sure thing kid,” the man announced, rummaging beneath the counter and extracting a plate and slamming a battered notebook down next to him. “Sign your nickname.”

“My…nickname?”

“Anyone who purchases cookies from her holiness Amber must register their nickname.”

DMaster stood staring at the man momentarily, trying to guess as to his, “What’s yours?”

“Evil DF, want to make something of it?”

“No not at all…put me down as…Spartacus.”

As DMaster sat enjoying his meal, he couldn’t help put watch the bustle of small talk expand around him, realizing that this was the first time he had been in a location with such diversity. As he went to take a bite, a hand thrust forward, shoving DMaster aside. He whirled, bits of cookie crumbs peppering his shirt. “What was that for!?”

A young member pushed again, this time spewing off a flurry of profanities and gestures before turning away. Another member walked up, sizing DMaster up. “He doesn’t like you.”

“Umm…sorry?

“I don’t like you either. You just watch yourself, we are wanted men—“

“Speak for yourself Rhopper. I’m a GIIIIIRL!!!”

Rhopper turned, his eyes menacing, “STFU Flyn! We have perma bans in twelve forums!”

“You may want to be careful…” DMaster whispered causing Rhopper to turn on him.
“YOU’LL BE DEAD!”

A cough caused the three to turn as Repliku stood just behind DMaster, hands hidden beneath his robes. “This little one is not worth the effort, allowing to buy you both cake.”

“THE CAKE IS A LIE!!” Flyn roared, throwing DMaster aside as Rhopper charged Repliku, unholstering a blaster.

DF ducked, diving behind the bar, “NO BLASTERS!!”

Repliku juked left, avoiding a repeating blaster pattern that struck the far wall. A burst of blue light sliced forward as a scream ripped through the silent bar. Rhoppergaurd lay on top of Flyn Pnut, both unconscious and in a state of paralysis. Repliku smiled, extinguishing his lightsaber and brought it to his lips; pretended to blow out steam. “Banned.”

The bar stared in wonderment as Repliku picked DMaster up off the ground, flipping a credit chip toward DF and led DMaster toward a door in the rear of the Cookie Castle. A young woman stood before the door, dressed in flowing robes and holding a handheld scanner. “Welcome to the Premium Section of the Cookie Castle. May I see your club cards?”

Repliku extracted a small disc and handed it to Amber who after hearing a series of beeps from her scanner, returned it to his hands. Her focus turned to DMaster, “And yours?”

“I don’t—“

“The boy is with me. As admin, I think that that is sufficient means of entry.”

Amber nodded, moving away from the door, your table is fifth from the right.”

***
The mood within this section of the Castle was more relaxed, apparently the local riff-raff were refused sanctuary where only those truly looking for a quiet corner could discuss business. Each booth that they past appeared empty save for the rare glimmer of movement beyond what appeared to be faux-glass. Two shadows sat around a darkened table at the fifth booth, their silhouettes casting a mysterious yet warning aura. Repliku moved forward, placing his palm on a small identi-pad located to the right of the glass. A sweeping teal laser materialized from nothingness as the faux-glass dissolved away, revealing the being from the bar and a young man dressed in a dark smugglers outfit, unkempt hair, and his face hidden behind an unknown shroud.

“My co-pilot has informed me that you both are looking for a way out off of this rock and looking for passage to the Staff Lounge.”

“Yes, indeed we are, as long as your vessel is a fast ship.”

The words hung momentarily as the pilot cleared his throat, an odd edge to his works. “Fast ship? My ship did the Spam Zone Run in less than twelve parsecs.”

Repliku and DMaster stared as the pilot continued, heartily enjoying the opportunity to boast about his ship. “I’ve outrun Insider starships, not the local bulk cruisers I’m talking about big V-Bulletin ships now. She’s fast enough.”

DMaster’s hand hesitantly rose, attracting the attention from all present. The pilot chuckled and nodded toward him. “I was under the impression that a parsec was a measurement of length…not time.”

“Technically, it is the measurement of length of roughly 3.26 lightyears. How exactly can you complete the Run in twelve seconds? I mean, you’d have to be travelling at somewhere close to Warp 8 to reach that time frame.” Repliku added.

“While we are on the subject, what exactly is the Spam Zone Run? Is it just a leisurely jog or a full on space ship race?” DMaster inquired.

The pilot shifted, agitated. “Damn it Jim, I’m a writer not a astronomer!”

The table grew deathly quiet. The co-pilot extracted a small device and after a flurry of key movements, an image appeared on the pilots same device. “Wolfie here asks what cargo you are intending to transport? She’d ask herself, but has a bad case of flem.” On cue, Wolfie attempted to express her frustration, but all that came about were unintelligent guttural growls and moans.

“The transport is myself, this boy, two droids and no questions asked.”

The pilot leaned backwards, allowing a tuft of hair to dance in a rare breeze. “You both in some kind of local trouble?”

“Let’s just say that we want to avoid any….Insider entanglements along the journey.”

The pilot nodded, his mind briefly flashing back to a botched smuggling of pirated Napoleon Dynamite dvd’s to the different sections thanks to the Insider’s and their blockcade. “Well that is the real trick isn’t it? I could say that at this moment you are being watched by half a dozen indviduals on the other side of this glass hell bend on ascertaining a few additional credits. For personal preservation, I give those Insider’s a wide berth. But for the additional heightened security, you are looking at this costing ten thousand credits, all in advance.”

“Ten thousand!? We could buy our own ship for that price!!”

“You could kid, but who’s going to pilot it…you?” the pilot snickered.

“You’re damn right I could I’m not that bad of a pilot myself,” DMaster glared at Repliku, “We don’t have to sit here and listen to this.”

Repliku nodded, but remained seated, calculating within his head. “We can over you five thousand now, plus and additional fifteen thousand when we reach the Staff Lounge, safely.”

The mood at the table quickly transitioned from tension to shock. “Twenty thousand huh? Well then…ok you’ve got yourselves a ship and a pilot gents.” The pilot leaned forward, his face now coming clear as a pair of aviator glasses rested on the bridge of his nose. “Names Shades. We’ll leave as soon as you are ready at Docking Bay 94.”

“We will be there within the hour.” Repliku announced, leaning forward and shaking Shades hand.

As he did, a commotion near the entrance could be heard as a pair of spamtroopers pushed Amber aside and began to examine the room. “Looks like someone has taken an interest in your handy work. Be best if you both sneak out the backway.”

Repliku grabbed DMaster and hurriedly raced for the door, “I believe that we may need to sell your speeder to get the five thousand.”

“Fine with me, I’m never coming back to this rock again.”

Moments later, Reptar and Famous were at Shades and Wolfie’s table. “You both haven’t seen an older man and a young normal member in this section have you?” Reptar demanded, clearly agitated for Famous’s earlier misguided work ethic.

“Old man? I’m one of the oldest on the forum. Maybe you are looking for group hug instead?”

“OOOO I love group hugs!” Famous giggled excitedly.

“Well, let’s not disappoint: Wolfie,” Shades smiled, “Get ‘em.”

With a flurry of movement faster that believed possible, Wolfie tackled the two spam troopers to the floor, smothering them in a massive glomp. Shades meanwhile snuck past the troopers line of sight and prepared to head toward the door, he turned catching Wolfie’s eyes and mouthed “prepping the ship. Freaking twenty grand!!”

Shades back was just about to the door but was stopped as a cylindrical object was jammed into his spine. The metal was cold, unwavering as it dug deeper into the muscle. “Going somewhere Shades?”

Shades closed his eyes momentarily, recognizing the voice as he was lead to the booth next to the emergency exit. “As a matter of fact Base, I was just on your way to see your both tell—“

“Tell her what? That you have found creds to make up for the ten thousand dvd’s you ‘accidentally’ lost? You should have stayed with the Insiders. She has placed a price on your head so large, that every Spam Hunter in the forum will be looking for you. I’m lucky I found you first.” Base smiled.

Shades returned the smile, “Of course you know where I was, everywhere I look you are just around the corner. I’m surprised that you aren’t joining Hippie Jesus to do a duet of the Rat Pack actually. Either way, I’ll have the money for her in a week’s time. One small transport job and I’ll even up the total I owe her to fifteen.”

“If you give it to me Shades, I might forget that I found you here…”

“I don’t have it with me! I’ll have it after the transport job. Tell Kitty—“

“Kitty’s through with you. She has no time for smugglers or failed writers who drop her cargo at the first sign of trouble.”

“Even I get writer’s block some times, you think I had a choice?!” Shades demanded, slowly unclipping the strap around his hip blaster beneath the table.

“Not my problem. You keep me from Chronicles when I am just as good a writer as you! I don’t care about the money. Kitty does. She may only take your ship—“

“Over my dead body.”

Base smiled. “I believe that that is the idea. I’ve envisioned this day for awhile now. How does this sound:” Base cleared his throat and began, “The atmosphere was tense as Sebax stood against the only escape, troopers spewing forth like a burst Hot Pocket. Shades stood in the middle ground, blaster hand shaking, glasses lying spread across the floor, broken. ‘I’ve chased you across this forum Shades, you are the weakest link’”

“Yea..I bet I am.”

A burst of light exploded from beneath the table as Base fell forward, a charred hole cutting clean through his chest. The smell of burnt flesh attracted the attention of Amber as she skidded to a halt in front of Shades, DF hot on her trail. Shades looked at Base and flicked a cred card to Amber. “Looks like a normal member got in here, we’ve got to keep your Castle respectable Amber.” Shades nodded toward DF and sauntered from the Castle, sunlight glistening off his glasses as he turned toward the distant docking bay.

 

Freaking genius! Love the Flyn Pnut bit! xDDD
You must find a way to include Ginta. x3

 

DF as a bartender? Interesting.

Oh, near the end, you accidently said Han instead of Shades.

​

 

Oh dear god.
<:

Lawl,the Flyn Pnut and Rhoppergaurd part was hilarious. xD

 

Repliku nodded, but remained seated, calculating within his head. “We can over you five thousand now, plus and additional fifteen thousand when we reach the Staff Lounge, safely.â€

Small error in there, but nonetheless this story keeps getting funnier and funnier. I loved the Fly and Rhopperguard parts like Halezy did xD

 

Brilliant idea. So far this story is the most amazing piece of writing I've set eyes on since coming here, even if I may not get some of the references... -iz a n00b-
Eagerly awaiting the next chapter :D

 

That was wonderful. And that was a very smooth cameo from you. This was always my favorite part.

 

Kitty the Hutt? xD
*can't believe she missed two updates*
Hilarious, as usual ^^''

 

I adore your writing. Keep it up, this is excellent. :3 I loved the Repliku "Banned" part in the latest chapter.

Very funny. Please continue! <3​

 

lol, this is hilarious. Hope you keep it going. It's really great so far! I laughed at the Rhopper/Flyn stuff. I now want a lightsaber to do this. Inspiration.

 

I lol'd at Flyn, Rhopper, and Amber's cookies. xD

Keep it up man. You're doing great.

 

The dark emptiness of space loomed through the forward viewport as a squadron of 4Chan fighters practiced a simulated combat. Moff Absol sat at a holoscreen scouring the photobucket for only the most obnoxious images. Darth Renegade stood statuesque, staring out the viewport, the only sign of life resinating from the breathing device.

A quick chirp from the comlink snapped both of them to attention. Absol reached down and activated the device. “Go ahead.â€

“All servers show full power and the tests are proving favorable. All systems are operational. Awaiting further instructions.â€

“Standby,†Absol stated, swiveling toward Renegade.

Renegade lowered his head slowly, his voice teeming with annoyance. “CTR’s resistance to the mind probe has proven more resilient than we had originally believed. It will take us more time.â€

“Perhaps not…maybe we have been going about this the wrong way. Racing seems to have been too easy. Maybe a more persuasive form of intimidation is required.â€

Absol smirked, twirling the comlink between her fingers. “I think it’s time we take the training wheels off this hunk of metal and flex its feet.†She flicked the communication switch. “Captain, set your course for the Staff Lounge.â€

***

The constant strain of the sun torched the Creativity Corner as members left and right struggled to find shelter from the intense heat. But not all were so calm. T-3CO and SORA-13 rushed from the Cookie Castle, toward the distant spaceport, realizing that a division of Spam Troopers were canvassing the streets, clearly hunting for the two of them. SORA-13 whistled softly, pivoting and ducking down an empty street lined with storage modules. The stampede of marching feet grew closer as the two struggled into a dark module.

The air was stale, with a tinge of history biting at their being. While SORA-13 stood guard at the door controls, TCO adjusted his LED optical sensors and examined the scene. The entire module stretched on, clearly cutting deep into the cliffside mountains. The curious thing to note was that the module was filled to the brim with hundreds of wooden crates stacked in some sections three deep and toward the modules rafters. A metallic pounding echoed off the door as the Spamtroopers stood outside, analyzing whether the module had been tampered with. Within moments the sound of feet faded. TCO swung to return to the door but paused as a series of containers attracted his attention.

The containers were designed simply enough, wood hammered together but the words stamped along the side were what troubled him.

The SACRIFICED Initiative
The cursed blades of Gameli

And a box that had a single burn mark traced along the lines of a stamped emblem of a bird grasping a swastika. Numbers stenciled along the bottom were unfamiliar to TCO as he returned to the entrance. SORA-13 had cracked to door slightly to allow view the street only to find it deserted as the Spam Troopers rounded the far building. “I would have much rather gone with DMaster than stayed here with you. That castle is segregating organic with the inorganic…boo to them. “

A drawn out groan resulted in a metallic fist onto SORA-13. “I don’t know what all this trouble is about but I know it’s whatever you did.â€
The door slid back as the droid banter continued.

***

Across the Castle grounds, the Market was packed with any and all businesses, none of which were all necessarily legal. DMaster and Repliku stared down the stretch of vendors and drew up the necessary strength to proceed. The two continued onwards, on the look out for the necessary vendor dealing with transportation, passing a number of Name Changing stations and Graphic Clan tags littering the area. As the two passed by a shadowed hallway, a figure ducked deeper into the shadows, extracting a pen and began scribbling furiously on a holo-pad.

Mikes Journal: Noob carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll look down and whisper "No." They had a choice, all of them.

They could have followed in the footsteps of good men like my father or the Emperor. Decent men who believed in a day's work for a day's pay. Instead they followed the droppings of lechers and communists and didn't realize that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late. Don't tell me they didn't have a choice. Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloody Hell, all those liberals and intellectuals and smooth-talkers... and all of a sudden nobody can think of anything to say.

Mike gaze lifted, watching as the two began a line of communication with the wrecker dealer Wacko. As he watched the two haggle, a sudden realization crossed his face. The older one, the face he could not believe he was seeing after so long. The man who he had fought along side in the Troll War as a War Correspondant now was traveling with the member in connection with the escaped droids. This day would be the catalyst of his return to reporter form. Mike extracted a black and teal comlink and punched in a series of commands.

Luke stared at Repliku as he and Wacko agreed on the price. “You know that ever since the X96 came out the demand for this landspeeder hasn’t skyrocketed. We easily could have bartered for another grand.â€

Repliku simply shook his head, continuing to sign the transaction. “Five thousand is a fair offer and we do not mean to demand more than Wacko offers. In this economy, she needs the income more than us.â€

Wacko smiled greedily as the internal calculations of the flip for profit will easily cover the purchase. With a final wave the keys were handed over and Repliku and DMaster slipped into the crowd, toward the droids hideout. “I still think that you were too easy back there, “DMaster began until Repliku smiled, holding a small computer chip. “I couldn’t let that hard drive fall into the Insider’s hands or anyone elses for that matter. If anyone learned that I pirated the My Little Ponies complete season on the ride over, the world would never let me forget it.â€

The two laughed as they collected TCO and SORA-13 and turned toward the distant outline of the space port, unaware that Mike was slowly broadcasting a live feed in their wake.

***

Within the spaceport however, a rusted ship sat docked, surrounded by a litany of mechanical sensors and fuel pumps. A mechanic stood nervously against the far wall, flanked on either side by two body guards. Standing at the base of the boarding ramp was the most feared crime lord this side of the Graphics Section, Kitty the McKechnie, surrounded by the best Spam Hunters in the Forum. The mechanic shrunk as Trogdor examined her battle arm, examining the hanger with her 360 degree integrated reality helmet. Wolfie and Shades would not evade her again.

“SHADES!†Kitty roared up the boarding ramp, a small holdout pistol prodding the inky darkness within the ship. “Shades we know you are hiding out in there. Come out before I send the hounds in.â€

A light whistle ripped from across the hanger as Wolfie stood with her arms folded menacingly while Shades stood framed in the doorway, smirking. “I’m your Huckleberry. I’ve been waiting for you.â€

“Have you now, hidin’ in the shadows hopin’ that we had left you alone this trip?†Kitty laughed sarcastically.

“What, you didn’t think I was going to leave and not say goodbye and avoid that Glasglow Smile you promised me?â€

Kitty’s smile vanished as she stepped closer, glancing in Trogdor’s direction. “Shades my boy, you are the best writer that we have here, and it’s not as though your writer’s block hasn’t been felt by us all. Base only wanted to know how the lastest draft is coming along…you didn’t have to barbeque him.â€

“Listen Kitty, if you wanted to ask me about it, then you should have come to be personally, not sending one of my adoring fans to do your biding.â€

Kitty shrugged. “Listen Shades, I’m all fine allowing you to shadow and examine different jobs to empower your creative side, but if it involves you turning tail and dropping my cargo at the first sign of Insiders—“


“Hold on a second Kitty, even I get boarded sometimes, you think that the Insider’s wouldn’t want to take down another bohemian writer. I’ll make it up to you. I’ve got a nice easy transport scheduled in an hour that will not only cover the dvd’s but you can even spend an additional 10% buying yourself another Link statue.â€


Kitty’s head whipped around, as visions of the Tri-Force flashed across her face hungrily. She scowled as Shades smiled wickedly, knowing that he had trapped her. “All I need is twenty four hours to get the transport complete, the creds to come through and be back this way to pay you.â€

“Shades. If you screw this up, which I believe you inevitably will, I will throw every bit of my reputation points out to the best Spam Hunter’s in the forum to track you down. You will have suck a negative rep on your head that you will have to turn invisible to stay afloat.†Kitty turned pointing at Trogdor, “And she will be the first one I call.â€

Shades readjusted his aviators and began the march up the ramp, hollering over his shoulder, “Kitty, you are a wonderful premium.†Kitty and Trogdor stared long as Shades and Wolfie ascended the boarding ramp, knowing that their pathes would cross again. “Let’s go gang, got some Zelda to play.â€

hades sat in the cockpit, watching the Spam Hunters disappear through the hanger door. Wolfie turned from the instrument panel, her hand moving away from the automated torrent controls. “This transport better be cake. Let’s prep for launch as soon as the guests arrive.â€

 

-claps- bravo, my friend. bravo. I leave for a couple months and find an update from my favorite writer? My, what a Christmas gift! hehehehe. And what a joy it is to see that a low-life MMORPG-er like myself in this! Very nice, Destined. Perhaps more amazing updates await me when i come back in a month or so? XD I look forward to them!