Spam Wars

Originally, i intended to just user people's usernames as the characters, but then i realized that a few people in this mainly might get confused or the reader would try to remember who is who, that's why i left the Luke remain.

It might happen occasionally, but it's not exactly a typo per say.

BTW, i'm loving the reaction to the Role Players.

More to come as soon as I get a free minute.

 

ROFL the Role Players were hilarious XDDD
I like that the story's great to read even when it's not being parodical.

 

Situated amongst the eroding cliff walls, hidden within an outcropping sat the sand blasted homestead of Repliku Kenobi. The interior was minimalistic, the walls bare save for a faded gray tunic and dust lined body armor from memories past. In all the years he had known Kenobi, he had never stepped foot across the threshold. Kenobi stood near the entrance, watching his guests explore his sanctuary. A playful fire flickered within and intensified with DMaster’s awe.

“I am not one to clutter my mind with my past, save for those few antiques.â€

“I didn’t know you fought in the wars.â€

“Oh yes, that armor helped me survive countless battles. Fighting alongside your father, we were unstoppable.â€

DMaster paused as T-3CO and SORA-13 took positions around a small holo table. “No my father didn’t fight in any wars, he was a navigator on a 4chan freighter.â€

Repliku merely nodded. “That’s what your uncle told you. He didn’t approve of your father’s…ideals, thought he should have remained here and let the war pass by.â€

“Then this armor,†DMaster motioned towards the opposing wall, “you fought in the Teal Wars?â€
“Oh yes. Long ago, I was once a jedi knight same as your father.â€

“DMaster’s gaze traveled into a distant realm fighters flicked hard right, spewing streaks of death into the soul of an enemy combatant’s starlight engines rupturing through the fuel lines leaving only a billowing cloud of destruction as with a quick snapping twist right, the fighter stalks after it’s next prey. Slowly, reality punched through DMaster’s day dream. “I wish I’d known my father.â€

“He was the best pilot in the galaxy and a cunning warrior…I’ve heard you’ve become quite the pilot yourself.â€

“I can pilot my way between threads true enough,†DMaster proudly beamed, tussling his hair as the sun crossed along the ancient sandstone floor.

Repliku stared at the movement and vanished into his own past. “He was a good friend. That reminds me, perhaps we should discuss this message your little droid felt was so important to risk his safety.â€

SORA-13 wobbled excitedly, omitting a blue arc or light from his projector, culminating into the holo of Admin CTR once again.

Moderator Repliku: Years ago you served my father in the Teal Wars, now he begs your help once more in his struggle against the Insiders. I regret that I am unable to present my father’s request in person, but my shop has been attacked. I feel that I shall fail in my mission to bring you safely to the Staff Lounge. I’ve placed information vital to the forums survival within the memory core of the 13 unit. You must see this droid safely to the Staff Lounge. This is our most desperate moment. Help me Repliku Kenobi, you’re our only hope.

Repliku sat musing as the air turned thick with Kay’s plea. “Luke. You must learn the ways of the force if you are to accompany me to the Staff Lounge.â€

“The Force?â€

“Yes, the force is what gives the Jedi his or her power. It is the energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us, penetrates us—“ A chirp of laughter burst from SORA-13 resulting in a lateral metallic slap by TCO. Repliku shrugged aside the interruption, “the force binds the galaxy together. Which reminds me…â€

Repliku rose, shuffling toward the battle armor. He removed the chest piece lightly as if it would shatter into a million fragments; revealing a recessed shelf. Gingerly, he withdrew two silver cylindrical objects, one of which slid into his grip like a warm glove, caressing his fingers and palm. “Your farther would have wanted you to have this when you were old enough.†He stated, placing the other object into DMaster’s outstretched hand. He was surprised by the lightness of the shaft, running his eyes along every crevasse, every nick and scratch; feeling as though he could feel his father’s presence reflecting back. “My father wanted me to have this?â€

“He did, but your uncle wouldn’t allow it. He feared you might follow old L on some damn foolish Shinigami crusade…like your father…â€

DMaster barely heard the hesitation within Repliku’s voice as he flicked the thumb toggle, sending a shaft of brilliant teal power pulsating in his hands. He maneuvered the blade, slicing through the air with the faintest of hums. The blade felt like and old friend, an extension of himself, his soul.

“It’s not as clumsy or foolish as a blaster, but an elegant weapon from a more civilized age.†Repliku resituated himself on the couch, his thumb and forefinger stroking his chin thoughtfully. “For over a thousand threads the Jedi were the guardians of the Old KHV…before the dark times, before the Insiders.â€

The lightsaber receded, as a question that had been forming in DMaster’s mind finally game to manifestation. “Repliku, how did my father die?â€

A heavy sigh fell from his mouth, covering the room in sadness. “A young Jedi named Darth Renegade, who was a staff helper of mine until the Emperor corrupted him with the dark side of the force, helped the Emperor hunt down and destroy the Jedi. He betrayed…and murdered your father Luke.â€

The air remained heavy as the words cut through DMaster’s soul. Every preconceived notion about his abandoned father had been shredded apart. He was not a poor smuggler trying to provide for only himself, but a warrior; a veteran. A slow anger boiled up inside towards Uncle ICSP and Aunt Pyro for having not had the decency to tell him the truth. However the instant ICSP’s face cropped into DMaster’s mind, he released the lateness of the hour and the anger that was surely billowing back at the homestead.

“It’s late I’ve got to get home.â€

“Luke, I need your help. I won’t lie, I’m getting too old for this kind of thing. I need you to come with me to the Staff Lounge.â€

“I—I can’t get involved. I’ve got work to do here for my Uncle. It’s not that I like the Insiders, I hate it, but there is nothing I can do about it now.â€

“Don’t act like your Uncle. She needs your help. You must learn the ways of the force or the Jedi will fall into extinction.â€

DMaster shattered inside. Part of him longed for adventure and leaving the Creativity Corner as a speck in the galaxy while the rest of him knew he couldn’t abandon the promise he made to h Aunt and Uncle. “I…I can take you as far as Poetry. You can get a transport to Short Stories or where ever you are going…â€

Repliku nodded dejectedly as Luke and the two droids returned to their speeder. He picked up only his cloak and lightsaber and followed the troop to the waiting speeder. “You must do what you feel is right.â€

 

:yelling: Hurray fer updates! Great job, Destined! XD XD Keep it up!

 

Awesome, an up-date 8D
*is trying to be patient while waiting for the part she's been looking forward to ^^''*​

 

Most excellent dude, it was definitely worth the wait for an update.

 

You shall continue to write this... and no im not posting this just to raise my post count... -.- foolish peope.

 

Yes, there will be more, but right now, i'm working on a long overdue update to Chronicles.

 

This=Amazing

Chronicles=Yet to bother reading

This=We wish fer more

 

I'm just going to write what I feel like whether you guys like it or not. Maybe i'll update this after SACRIFICED. jerks.

 

From the outer depths of the infandecimal interwebz, a dark streak of metal materialized, forming the hulking intimidating form of an Insider Class Spam Destroyer. The destroyer transitioned into real space smoothly as a detachment of 4Chan Fighters took flanking positions around the massive vessel, marching her toward her homecoming. The destroyer flexed with grace, while being escorted toward the largest weapon of the Insider’s arsonal: The Database Error.

A single shuttle rocketed from the destroyer’s forward docking bay, guarded by the fighters as it flew toward the docking ring further below. A figure stood at the viewport, watching with mock enthusiasm. The brief inner reprieve was suddenly shattered as the other members in the conference chamber returned to arguing amongst each other.

Aside from herself, Grand Spam Absol was accompanied by seven lesser ranked generals and two Spamtroopers stationed outside the chamber. Admiral Dalk slammed his fists into the conference table, his chair fallen to the side as his anger finally spilled over.
“Until this DBE is fully operational we are vulnerable. The KHV Alliance is too well equipped. They may be a feeble guerrilla resistance, but they are more dangerous than you allow them credit.â€

“Dangerous to your fleet you mean Dalk, not to this station. No one would dare to challenge us.†Commander Advent threw back, twisting his fists together, trying to remain civil.

Dalk shook his head, surveying the other men and women present. “The rebellion will continue to spread. It has been able to gain support from Ultimania and members of the Insider Senate as long as…â€

“The Insider Senate will no longer be of any concern to us. I’ve just learned that the Emperor has permabanned the Senate. The last remnants of the Olden Days have been swept away.†Absol announced receiving a mock applause from Dalk.

“What did you use, Oxyclean? How is the Emperor supposed to maintain control without bureaucracy?â€

“The Section Leaders now have direct control over their threads. Fear will keep the sub sections in line. Fear of this DBE.â€

A new voice cleared their throat, as General Trigger placed a glass back on the opaque conference table. “And what of KHV? If those rebels have obtained a complete technical hack of this DBE, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a backdoor file and exploit it.â€

“The readouts that you are referring will soon be back in our hands.†Darth Renegade announced, as his dark body cast an expansive shadow into the conference room. Two Spamtroopers stood at attention inside the room, their blaster rifles relaxed, yet prepared for unnecessary combat.

“Sure they will. Even so, any attack by the Rebels would be a slaughter. This DBE is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest,†Advent looked around at those others in attendance, an eyebrow raised sneakily, “That we give the universe a ticket to the gun show.â€

Darth Renegade entered the conference room and moved toward Absol, the only sound coming from the mechanical respirator keeping the Dark Lord alive. “Don’t be too proud of this technological monstrosity you’ve created. The ability to destroy a section is insignificant next to the power of the Force.â€

“Oooo!!†Advent laughed, his arms floating in the air around him as he pretended to force choke Dalk who responded by simply flipping him off. “Don’t try to frighten us with your voodoo ways, Lord Renegade. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen plans, or allowed you the clairvoyance to find the Rebel’s hidden databanks—“

Advent’s hand suddenly froze in mid-air, before rocketing back towards him and latching onto his neck. Advent flew backwards with the force of the impact, knocking his chair backwards and ramming into the cold durasteel floor. Dalk and Trigger stared in fear as Advent’s hand tightened around his throat, slowly choking away the last moments of air.

Renegade stood calm, his hand raised ever so slightly from his folded arms, his left hand cupped around air. “I find your lack of faith unacceptable.â€

As Advent’s eyes fluttered, Absol stood, slamming her fist into the table. “Enough! Renegade, release him!â€

“Psssh. Fine.â€

Renegade’s hand relaxed as a burst of life flooded Advent, who squirmed onto his hands and knees, gasping in air. Absol’s eyes narrowed as they refocused on Darth Renegade. “This bickering is pointless. Lord Renegade will provide us the location of the KHV mainframe by the time this station is operational, and with it, we will wipe away the Rebellion with one…last…shot.†Absol flexed her fingers, throwing her head back to release a drawn out Kira laugh which echoed down the corridors and reverberated into the empty nothingness of space.

***

The whine of DMaster’s twin landspeeder engines cast a veiled ballad across the Cliffside walls, mixing amongst the toxic fumes bleeding from the wounded battlefield. SORA-13 panned his receptor slowly across the massacre. Coder bodies littered the sand surrounding the twisted remains of the massive Codebreaker. T-3CO stood near the outskirts, identifying the mutilated remains of EvilMan_89. Repliku slowly gathered in the scene, trying to see that which one normally could not.

“This looks like a Role Player ambush all right,†DMaster concluded, lifting up a hunk of shattered decking, “There are Bantha tracks and failed threads…I’ve just never known them to attack anything this big before.â€

“They didn’t.†Repliku announced as a gust of wind fought with the outer fringes of his robe. “We are meant to believe that they did. This attack took place with precision, Role Player’s can never coordinate an attack this thought out in a single line of dialogue. They attack sporadically to hide their numbers.â€

“Wait a minute,†DMaster’s attention shifted, locking onto the empty face of Antiweapon, “These…these are the same Coders that sold us 13 and TO…â€

Repliku barely heard him, his hands dancing across a series of blaster marks and burnt metal. “These blast points are too focused, too accurate for Role Players as well…only Insider Troopers are so precise.â€

“But why would Insider Troopers want to slaughter Coders? It’s not like—“ The words froze as his mind connected the final dot while his heart fractured in revelation, “If they traced the droids here that would mean they know who the droids were sold to and that would lead them—“

DMaster leapt forward, side stepping disfigured bodies as he raced toward his speeder. SORA-13 chirped in protest while DMaster skidded past, nearly knocking the droid over.

“Wait Luke!†Repliku cried out, attempting to match the youth’s speed and determination, “It’s too dangerous to go alone!†But his plea was swallowed by the roar of the speeders engines, protesting against the wide open throttle.

Wind tore at DMaster’s face as dunes and boulders barely survived the rampaging speeder, hell bent on disproving the nightmare flashing through his mind. His hands flew across the controls nimbly, practiced even while his mind struggled to remove a feeling of dread from the shadows of his stomach. The speeder burst from the Discussion Sea, gaining speed across the float lands. A pinprick of black smoke dotted the horizon, confirming DMaster’s panic.

Minutes later, the dot of black had morphed into a billowing death shroud, blanketing the Homestead. Before he could put the speeder in park, DMaster surged from the pilot seat.

“Uncle ICSP!!! Aunt Pyro!!!†He screamed, his lungs protesting against the smoke inching down his throat. DMaster rounded the enflamed sunken garden, skidding to a halt, bile and tears welling up.

Two charred bodies lay pressed against the hanger wall, locked hand in hand for all eternity. One hand lay against the wall, beneath a blood soaked message hardening in the heat:

At 12:56 local time, Insider Troops raided our Homestead looking for two droids. ICSP and Pyro were both taken into the hanger for questioning. When they both failed to confirm the Troopers countless demands, they were doused in fuel and engulfed in flame. Time of death…

The final letters faded away, culminating in a trail of blood and ending at the base of a small charred black book tucked behind the bodies. DMaster fell to his knees, every fiber of his family expunged from the galaxy. Try as he might, tears refused to cascade. The DMaster lineage, marred by the death of his father and now with ICSP and Pyro, would also perish on in a section where there would be no escape.

Escape…the word echoed in his subconscious. All though the raw pain of loss tore at his heart, a glimmer of rebirth festered, demanding to be released. Avenge his families honor. If anyone could help him see this through, Repliku and the distant Rebellion were his only hope now. DMaster turned slowly, retracing his steps toward the idling speeder. The sound of furniture collapsing amongst the flames erupted from below, but DMaster never looked back.

His destiny was his own now.

***

The humming of gravity repulsor’s and the titanic subspace engines pulsated through the Database Error while a squadron of 4Chan Fighters practiced mock combat scenarios free of outside threats. Deep within the Database, Darth Renegade entered the twisting hallways flanked by First Officer Jube and Second Officer Tummer. The two entered the high security brig moments before, set on a single destination. Darth Renegade’s mind twisted and venomously delved into the dark side energy, consuming the body of fear growing ever closer from Admin CtR’s cell. His focus returned as Tummer de-activated the security system surrounding the cell.

The prison door hissed, releasing an airtight seal as the door parted in the middle. CtR rose slowly, her momentary fear sank behind her repositioned armor surrounding her psyche.

Jube and Tummer entered first, taking flanking positions around the doorway. CtR remained statuesque, even as Renegade entered, the outer edges of a covering display monitor floating quietly behind. “Now your Highness, have you reconsidered your pathetic hold out?â€

CtR remained unprovoked, fearlessly staring back into Renegade’s steel eyes momentarily as her focus shifted to the display. Renegade smiled behind his faceplate. “So be it. We will get the information on KHV’s mainframe and hidden base from you by any means necessary.â€

The display rose up, passing above Jube and Tummer, adhering itself to the ceiling durasteel. Renegade flicked his hand, an unseen power latching around CtR, dragging her back on the cold carbonite slab while coils materialized beneath began to snake their way across her body, imprisoning and removing every possible room for movement. The display slowly brightened as a white status bar gyrated in the middle of the screen, ticking upwards from zero. “Your pathetic means of torture won’t work Renegade. I will not give you want you want.â€

The display suddenly erupted in technicolored brilliance, pixels racing to form images zipping faster than the camera could keep up. Sound instantly burst into the room as the mix of engines and rowdy fans buffered across the small metal cell. CtR ground her teeth, parting her lips enough to smirk in resilience. “You think Nascar is going to make me crack? I can out last this.â€

A slow rumble of mechanical laughter mixed with the simulated race. “The Coca-Cola 600. The longest race of the season. No commercial breaks. We shall see.â€

The prison door pissed closed as Jube and Tummer screamed for their lives inside, only to be drowned out by the breathing of the mechanical superweapon as it slumbered.

***
A large funeral pyre rose from the dusty canyon floor as DMaster’s speeder slowly came to a rest. He exited the vechicle, a numb determination willing him onward. T-3CO paused momentarily, holding the liveless remains of a coder as he watched his master approach. Repliku noticed as well, rising and dusting off his knees. A chilled sadness radiated beneath his hooded face. “There is nothing you could have done Luke. You would have been killed as well…and the droids would now be in the hands of the Insiders.â€

DMaster nodded, accepting the rational. He lifted his head, his hair fluttering in the dust wind. “I’m coming with you to the Staff Lounge. There is nothing for me here now. I’m the last of my lineage and I have the opportunity to help the betterment of the galaxy so that other’s don’t have to suffer my same pain. To do that…†He inhaled, confidence growing, “I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a jedi like my father…â€

Repliku nodded slowly, accepting the reasoning. He reached out, placing his hand on the teen’s shoulder. He alone knew the pressure and commitment the boy had just sworn himself to learning, and showed the same fire his father had those many years ago…His trance was broken as DMaster stared at him quizzically.

“What was that?â€

“I asked where you think we can find tranport off-section?â€

Repliku closed his eyes a moment, his memory bringing up a mental map of the surrounding spaceports. Only one would be able to grant them voyage they required under the assumed Trooper checkpoints being constructed outside of every spaceport…except perhaps one. “Amber’s Cookie Castle. You will never find a more wretched hive of spam and cookies.â€

 

I'm glad you finally decided to continue on the story. Can't wait till next chapter.

 

...Hot damn, this is too epic for words. Seriously. And I'm honored to be in it. :'D

Can't wait to see the next chapter.

And you know... I really do laugh like Kira sometimes. :v

 

A great update, Shades. :3 I'm really looking forward to the next part, for that was one of my perfonal favs of the original movie and it'll be interesting to see what you come up with for it.

You have no idea how lulzy that was. XD

 

OMG I'm gonna be in the next chapter. :'D

The comment about my Castle made me laugh.

Aw, Pyro and ICSP are dead? How sad.​

 

Hmm.... The Database Error... That's hella notorious around here.

 

That was just pwnsome. I wish Pyro could read this. I think she'd be very amused. XD

 

From a considerable distance, one would merely view the Cookie Castle as an uprooted mount of boulders tossed aside by tectonic movement. However this mount of boulders was merely a façade created by Amber following her crash landing in the Creativity Corner at the turn of 07. Since then, members who have passed through the castle have experienced their fair share of interesting encounters within the castle walls. However, as the foursome flew closer, a checkpoint materialized just before the castle walls, where two spam troopers were stationed, examining a seemingly endless line or members streaming through security. One could say, boredom was dominating their imaginations.

“This isn’t going to work DMaster…”TCO moaned feeling an invisible net tightening around the escapees.

“Calm yourself, and Luke:” Repliku smiled, pushing aside the hooded cloak, allowing his face to feel the sting of the harsh morning sun, ”Allow me to do the talking.”

Trooper Third class Reptar’s shielded visor blocked out a majority of the sunlight but allowed just enough that she was required to squint as the speeder slowed. Since taking her post, the ebb and flow of members had given way to speeders and later to intermittent dust storms. Never the less, Reptar remained at her post, growing slowly annoyed at the young cadet stationed to her right. Cadet Famous raised her hand, motioning for DMaster to come to a halt, attempting to impress her supervisor.

“What business brings you to the Cookie Caste?” Famous asked, mentally going over the predetermined speech she had grown to appreciate since her shift had begun.

“We are in need of a 2.1 watt converter for our outdated Protocol droid here, seems as though the most recent sandstorm destroyed his vocalizer, now all it can speak is german.”

As if on cue, T-3CO began shooting off a slew of German, waving his hands emphatically for additional realism.

Reptar shifted her focus, removing any hint of calculated aggression from the protocol droid, to the smaller squattier droid; noticing with approval as Famous did the same. “And this droid? How long have you had these droids?”

“Near of four seasons, with this economy, we don’t have the proper resources to upgrade our farm hands. If you are interested they could be on sale,” Repliku stated calmly, allowing a minor manipulation of the words to grate on Reptar.

Famous pondered his words, but shook her head; regaining focus. “I’m required to see proper identification of ownership of these droids, and also ownership of this craft before you are granted access.”

“You don’t need to see our identification,” Repliku’s tone hardened.

The words locked around Famous like a vice, her subconscious nodding in agreement. “You’re right of course, I can’t ask something like that.”

Reptar gapped in amazement, trying to figure the old man’s game.

“These droids aren’t the one’s you’re looking for.”

“These droids are not what we are looking for. Welcome to the Cookie Castle.” Famous declared, stepping aside allowing them entrance.

A hint of a smile materialized for only a moment but vanished as the speeder joined a procession before disappearing around a squat building. Reptar turned and stared down Famous. “You do realize that you let a force user with two droids matching the description of the one’s Lord Renegade has issued warrants through security right?”

“Of course, but that means mountains of paperwork. Let’s let some noob take that work. Besides,” Famous jerked a thumb towards the empty airspace surrounding the castle, “The only way off world is not through this spaceport. The only ship docked barely made it. They’ll be caught within five minutes.”

Reptar smiled, accepting the ingeniously woven trap. “And if they do get through, we can claim they controlled our brain.”

Famous nodded, glancing at her chronometer, “looks like it’s time for another Union Break.”

This is part one of my marathon of writing that will continue once I wake up. When I do, i'll be working on this more and adding to this post.

Stay tuned

 

And tuned I will tay. XD Why is it that whenever you write something, it's impossible to stop reading?

 

Yay~
I'm dead! :=D:
How is it that I always end up dying? This is the best thing since the time of Teal Wars.

Funny how I hate kids and don't believe in marriage. It's still freaking hilarious. I love my appletinies.
Waiting for next update. I'm loving this.