Positive critisism as always. we don't want what happened last time. Guys, I want this story to keep going so please keep commentiong on it! Here Goes: Prologue Driving home from an amusement park you still would have some excitement in you. You wouldn't feel exhausted, famished, nervous? We were all talking about the rides we went on-The Light Speed Racer, The Doom Dipper, The Hectic Beetle, The Devils Choice. They were all incredibly awesome, fast and some scary. My frends, Daniella, Katerina, Sylviana and Mariana were all screaming and shouting about how fantastic the rides were. I was sitting in the middle of it all, laughing my head off at the faces Katerina was making about the beetle ride. We were all about 16 to 17. Daniella being the oldest, and driving, was concentrating on the road. But we all yelled excitedly, still. Then something wierd happened. My head became fuzzy. I wasn't feeling well all of a sudden and the next thing I saw was this big white flash. It started to rain heavily. We were all startled. the car was full of anxiousness and fear. We were all persuading Daniella to pull over but she wouldn't listen. I saw sparks from power lines, trees falling on us and then it happened. A category 3 cyclone right there in front of us. There was no way we could dodge it. And there was no way we weren't going to die. I heard all 5 hearts pounding their chests at the same time. We waited for it to come. We waited for our fate. We waited for our death. All of a sudden, I hear a familiar voice and I see a bright light. my friends disappear as I open my eyes. What happened? I was going to die in 5 seconds! "Sophitia! SOPHITIA! Wake up!" The familiar, cross voice called. I opened my yes sharply to find myself confused in my room. I looked up to find the heart-warming smile of my mum which always made me smile no matter how scared i was. "Honey, whats wrong? Are you okay? Do you want to call off the Amusement park date tomorrow with your friends?" My cheerful mum asked. Holy crap! The get together Sylviana had organised! We all said Daniella was driving and that w would be going on heaps of scary rides. Did I just see the future? Was that what that scary white flash was? Is that why my mind went fuzzy. I didn't know, but I had to call it off. So I told my mum to ring the other mums and call it off. Something was happening to me. I didn't know what though. When my mum left the room, I got up out of my be and saw my shiny blonde hair had a touch of black in it. not noticible though. I looked in the mirror and my bright blue eyed had dimmed. Ok, this is scaring me now. Its probably because I'm tired that i'm seeing changes. oh well. Back to bed for me. Any improvements? Ideas? let me know via PM or just here!
well, there's room for improvement. one thing, you should try and describe things more. and mum?....try and diverse it beetwen mother and mom..mom only when the character is speaking to her. and you should use italics when the character is thinking something. it helps the understanding of your story. and well, this is short, just try and expand on things, and try the italics. thats really all i can reccomend im not such an expirienced writter.
Oh, woops. forgot people on the other side of the world call their mums 'mom'. Sorry about that. But this is a very good example of positive critisism. Thanks! I'll keep working on it!
