This is my first fan-fiction ever! In fact, since all my writing skills are limited to what I do at school, and since our school-system seems to be intent on civilizing us, this is my first fictional work in over four years. Two things you should notice before reading: 1) I'm Finnish-American, so I speak with an American accent and vocabulary. Unfortunately, all my English teachers have been either British, or Finns, who could barely speak English. This means that my language can be somewhat mixed. 2) THIS IS IMPORTANT! Instead of using Italic typing to express thought, I've decided to use the same type of thing as Stephen King does: brackets. They are clearly separated from the text, so you should be able to notice the difference between thoughts and normal bracket-usage. Also, using brackets gives me the freedom to put thinking in mid sentence. With that said: Enjoy! DISCLAIMER: I do not own the Square-Enix or Disney characters used in the story. All books, movies or songs mentioned belong to the ones who made them! I am not doing this for any profit, just for my own amusement! Introduction-Hello Okay guys, let's start this with a couple of questions: Have you ever felt that you were living in the wrong reality? Have you ever had this strange sensation after reading a book, or seeing a movie, that you just simply had to meet one or two, if not all of the characters? I mean, I can't be the only one who feels this way, can I? Despite the fact that I'm a cynical realist, I've had since grade school a strange obsession with the unnatural. Still, I'm often the first one to say that ghosts and alternative realities aren't real. But deep down I've wanted to believe in them, heck, I wanted to live in a different world. Well, eventually my wish came true. The saying ''be careful of what you wish for'' never meant anything to me. On the long run even a bad wish that backfired on me proved to be a blessing. The events following a certain wish-com-true turned to be on the same time the best, and worst that ever happened to me. The wish... I wanted to live in the world that we know by the name Kingdom Hearts. Evie Don't try to fix me I'm not broken. Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide- Don't cry... Chapter 1- Take Me Away Monday the 19th of May 2008 A small town 30 miles off of Helsinki, Finland A rather grumpy looking, 16-year-old girl was marching through the market square of her hometown. ''Stupid physics exam, why do I have to study it, it's not like I'm gonna use the stuff I learn, just makes my average go doooooown,'' Evie grumbled underneath her breath, then sighed and came to a halt. ''Okay, think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts... Oh! I never have to go to another physics lesson again, it's over for good!'' That annoying, nagging voice at the back of her head then exclaimed: (You still have to pass the exam, you know...) ''Gah, frickin' pessimism genes!'' Evie clutched her head in despair, until she saw that her bus had arrived. ''Damn it!'' she spat out, and then she broke in to a run. As she ran through the market-square, a booming voice spoke in her mind, forcing her to trip: ''It is time, child.'' (Hey, what the hell is Christopher Lee doing in my mind!?) The startled girl fell on her hands and knees, and looked up. A dark thing (or portal as we know it) had opened in front of her. Evie gaped at it, jaw dropping. Her focus then shifted to her surroundings. The rest of the towns folk seemed to be blissfully unaware of her fall, not to even mention the sinister looking black swirl. (What is this, a Dark Tower rip-off come to life?) ''Come forth now, before it is too late!'' the man's voice echoed in her head. (What's going on? Why is he-) The teen stood up slowly, completely forgetting about her bag, and walked in to the dark portal. Right before darkness enclosed her, she shut her eyes, tight. *** (Wha-!? Where am I? What is this place?) Evie looked around, but all she could see was blackness. Her own voice answered dryly in her head: (What did you expect, New York? It was a dark portal, for heavens sake!) The girl groaned. The nagging voice had come back to taunt her. She whispered to it in a frustrated tone: ''Shut up, will you. Leave some space for real thoughts!'' Evie looked underneath her, and noticed that she was standing on a circular platform made of black and turquoise tiles. As she walked slowly to the edge, she thought out loud: '' This place looks kinda like the tutorial area in Kingdom Hearts... What was it called... Ummm, Station of Safety, no, ahh, Sealing... Serenity! Station of Serenity! That's it...'' (Way to go Einstein...) ''Shuddup!'' Evie quickly backed away from the edge, after gazing down to the nothingness beneath the platform. (Oh man, I hate heights... Huh!?) A sudden burst of light made her blink in surprise. A thin stairway had appeared, leading to a light filled room. Evie could barely see a silhouette of a woman, who seemed to glow so brightly that most of her features were hidden. ''Come on, we need to talk,'' the woman said in a gentle voice. Evie flinched, but then began climbing the stairs. She didn't realize that every time she took a step forward, bits of knowledge about Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy and even Disney left her, until all of them seemed like a strange dream, and soon, not even that. Had this not happened, Evie would have probably recognized the woman waiting for her. She was quite tall for a woman, nearly 5'8''. Her slender body was garbed in a black top and a pair of shorts and a long sleeveless turquoise cardigan. Her hair was dark brown with highlights, and she had dark eyes, so dark that Evie couldn't quite make out whether they were brown, or a very dark shade of blue or violet. Though the woman was some years older than Evie, her voice wasn't quite as low. Nonetheless, her voice was very soothing and Evie felt herself relax a bit as the woman spoke clearly: ''I'm sorry, but I won't be revealing who I am. If the decision was mine, I wouldn't hesitate telling you, but since it isn't...'' she shrugged and then continued speaking: ''We're in a hurry, so I'll explain this to you quickly. You've got two options. One: Take the door to the left, and go back to your normal life, forgetting this ever happened.'' Evie looked a bit confused as the woman went on. ''Two: Take the door to the right. I don't know where it leads to, all I know that there is someone, maybe even a whole world that needs you. I hate to rush you, but in some time both of the doors will close, and then you'll be stuck with me forever.'' A wry smile crept to the woman's face. ''Well, only until one of us dies of boredom that is...'' Evie giggled feebly at the last remark, before she started to think about the choices, dazed. She had no clue of what would happen if she would take the door to the right. And the door on the left would lead her home, and despite that her life was pretty boring and frustrating, it was all she had. Then again, somebody needed her... (Aleia iacta est) (But what if you'll never see your family and friends again?) The nagging voice sounded, for once, concerned and doubtful. Evie whispered softly: ''Don't worry, I'll see them again!'' ''Excuse me?'' the woman asked, tilting her head. Evie turned towards her and said in a loud, confident tone: ''Oh, nothing. But I made my decision. I'll take the door on the right.'' The woman laughed. ''That's my girl!'' Evie smiled at her, and said: ''Thank you.'' She was a little surprised when she found herself in the woman's embrace. The woman whispered to Evie: ''Always remember this: you are never alone, no matter what they say to you. You'll always have somebody.'' She then turned away, and disappeared in to the light. Evie took a deep breath while she turned away from the woman's vanishing-point,and opened the door she had chosen. But all the thoughts lead back to you. Back to what was never said, back and forth inside my head. I can't handle this confusion, I'm unable Come and take me away. There you go, the first chapter of something I hope will turn out to be a good, long fanfic. The songs I used where Hello by Evanescence and the Avril Lavigne song Take Me Away You can see a Kingdom Hearts AMV of the song here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evrckB4U6w4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zilBtgdG7qs I didn't make them myself.
I really liked on how to did the description, the brackets made sense to me also. I can imagine everything that happened in your story. Keep up the good work, I'm looking forward to more. :)
Thank you all for your really kind comments, you brought a biiiiig smile on my face!:roll: I've already written the second chapter a while ago, but I just have to type it on the computer... It's at least twice, maybe even three times as long the first chapter! I'll try to have it posted by tomorrow, but no guarantees, I'm not a very quick typer :sweatdrop:... But thanks again for reading!
one thing i might recommend, when you are using internal dialogue, instead of surrounding the text with (), try it in italics. For example: Sora leapt to the side, his eyes quickly scanning the throng of heartless egging him on. This isn't going to be as easy as it used to... versus Sora gave kairi a sheepish sidelong glance. (If she only knew that i just farted.) Do you see what i'm saying? But as the author it's entirely up to you in how you decide to present your story, but this may boost your story up a notch. Another thing, don't rush details. The scene in which the main character walks up the staircase and slowly loses her memory, that is a strong plot point that with a bit more description, feelings of losing memories and panic, will add to the depth of the character and overall increase the scene. Don't force humor. I know sometimes you want to create a story that is all humor or we want to letthat personality trait shine through, but forcing humor can take away, just for future reference. You have the beginnings of a good story, and don't take this criticism as me bashing your story, these are just suggestions that might help you or they might not. Keep it up :)
I've always found the bracket thing funner (and maybe a bit more confusing) to read. It's also my stubbornly stupid attempt at doing things differently... I left out most of the actual 'conversing with my mind'-thing in this chapter, I did it only because of lack of any other dialogue. I see the overall point of what you mean with the description thing, but I wrote that she didn't notice the memories slipping away, and I hadn't intended that part to be so important. I just did it cuz I thought that It would be funner for me to write first impressions on some of the locations and characters. And I also don't like giving away everything at first, I give away small details every now and then (Like I only told the first name, and age of the main character)But yeah, I really need to work on describing emotions and feelings, possibly the only thing they haven't taught me at school... The humor thing... I'll do my best at lessening it, but that's just me, always wanting to have a heroine and a lame comic-relief guy on the same time... And don't worry, I don't mind the constructive criticism, I'll do my best with using the advise as a continue the story! And now, the update! It took me a bit longer to type, mainly because of the length, and I decided to change some major things mid-way through the chapter... Also, just in case, WARNING: This chapter contains some swearing, and mild violence. I did sencore some of the heavier curses though... Chapter 2- Runaway The first thing Evie spotted after closing the large wooden door (Wow, this wasn't heavy at all) were bricks. Lots of them. The ground she was standing on was made of them, and most of the buildings were brick-houses. She looked around the plaza. ''Well,'' she muttered, feeling a bit worried ''this definitely isn't home.'' Since it was night, the streetlights were on. Despite that, the place seemed dark. A few trees had been planted in the middle of the plaza, and a postbox could be seen across it. On Evie's right there was another large wooden door, and on the left was a small outdoor café. The strange thing about the town was that she couldn't see anybody. ''Uuuw, great,'' Evie moaned, ''creepy and eerie, just how I like things. Either this is a very, very sleepy town, or something is seriously messed up here.'' (My bets are on latter.) Evie rolled her eyes attempting to look at the back of her head. ''You. Will. Shut up. Now. Or else. I'm. Gonna. Hit. My head. With. An. Encyclopedia. Got it!'' After cooling down a bit, Evie walked across the plaza, and found that she wasn't the only one outside. A lone man in his mid-twenties was leaning against the wall of a shore called 'Accessories shop'. He was dressed in black jeans and a short leatherjacket, and an off-white t-shirt. He had many belts across his waist and his left wrist, and he wore black gloves. Most of his face was hidden in the shadows, but Evie saw a long scar running down from his brow to the inner corner of his right eye, and mid-brown chopped hair that reached his shoulders. The man gave her a evaluating glance, but quickly lowered his gaze and crossed his arms. For some reason he reminded her of a younger version of the main character in Stephen Kings 'The Dark Tower'-series. Evie had never liked asking directions from strangers, and the young man was a bit scary, so she decided to go in to the shop in front of her. Right when she was about to open the door, a black creature formed on the ground. It somehow managed to look cute and dangerous on the same time. As it became three-dimensional, Evie noticed that the man had tensed, and was eyeing the creature in irritation. She quickly opened the door, walked through... And crashed in to young boy with light brown, spiky hair, startling blue eyes. He had a red jumpsuit and a white/dark blue vest, and large orange shoes. Evie got off of him, and muttered: ''Uh, sorry kid, shoulda watched in front of me...'' ''Sorry.'' the boy piped up. ''Have you seen my friends, Riku and Kairi?'' Evie looked at the boy, and snorted: ''Do I look like I know them? I haven't met them before, how should I know what they look like?'' ''Hey, you don't have to be so rude!'' he looked a bit hurt. ''Yeah yeah, whatever you say...'' Evie rolled her eyes as the kid stormed out. She looked at the blond man with a toothpick in the corner of his mouth and smiled at him. ''I'm just looking around, just got here.'' The man was dressed in a white shirt, a huge brown waistband and blue pants. He looked at her questioningly. ''I'm guessing you aint one one of 'is friends then,'' the man said sarcastically with a gruff accent. (Uhh, yeah!) ''So what happened to yer home, it get swallowed in darkness too?'' ''No,'' Evie frowned, ''I think I was the only one who came here, and it was my own choice too.'' '' 'kay,'' he said, still looking at her strangely, '' the name's Cid, by the way.'' ''Oh! Call me Evie.'' She was about to continue, but the boy Evie had crashed in to interrupted her loudly from outside: ''What? There's no way you're getting this!'' ''Fine, then have it your way,'' a lower man's voice replied. Evie rushed to the window, and was startled when she realized that the voice belonged to the man she had seen earlier. (I knew I shouldn't have asked him for help, he's a freackin' stalker!!!) He was now shooting a fire-pillar at the boy from a blade that looked like a mixture of a gun and a sword. The kid, who was gripping a giant key, was flung back, but he recovered quickly and jumped up. The man had walked up to him by now, sword casually resting on his shoulder. The young boy managed to land a few hits on the man, making him grunt in surprise, rather than pain. The kid yelped when the older man swung his sword at him, hitting him in the stomach. ''Why is that guy attacking the kid! We gotta help him!'' Evie said, attempting to open the door in panic. She squeaked when Cid grabbed her by her shoulder, leading her to a ladder in the middle of the shop. ''Trust me girl,'' he reassured Evie, ''he's just tryinna protect the kid.'' (Not what it looks like...) Evie sighed, trying to think of something else, and then asked the man: ''Is there a hotel, or something like that, in this town?'' ''Yeah, up there in the Secon' District.'' Evie blushed a bit as she spoke: ''Okay... Umm, where is the Second District?'' Cid laughed at the look on her face. ''Just go up the ladder here,'' he chuckled, ''an' go outside, an' you'll see a large door, just like the ones in the plaza!'' Evie, still blushing, thanked the man, climbed up the ladder, took a wide-eyed stare at the white things in the room (who glared back at her), opened the door, and opened the door, walking out to the street. She caught a glimpse of a girl running, no, skipping behind the corner, towards the fight. Evie couldn't hear anymore sounds of battle, but decided that it was best not to interfere with whatever had happened. So she rushed to the Second District. After a while, she paused to gaze at her surroundings, saying: ''Hey, I'm not in a hurry... Why not look around a bit!'' *** Leon, completely out of breath, fell on his knee, Gunblade slipping out of his grasp, making a loud metallic 'clang'. The Keybearer looked at him. His blue eyes widened in fright, while he panted: ''Now... you're... gonna... you're gonna... Ooh...'' He fell flat on his back, as the older man straightened up. Leon heard light steps behind him, and he whirled around, ready for another Heartless attack. He relaxed a bit when a familiar voice spoke with it's usual carefree tone: ''Aww, your slipping Leon!'' The 16-year-old girl, who was wearing a green top, a pair of white mini-shorts, long white socks and a yellow scarf, was grinning at him, violet eyes sparkling like they always did. (Typical Yuffie) ''I went easy on him,'' Leon said, voice sounding stronger and more confident than what he felt like. Yuffie tossed some of her short black hair off of her face, and gave him a 'Yeah right'-look. ''Looks like things are worse than we though,'' he sighed, ''a lot worse.'' The pair started heading back to the hotel, with Leon carrying the unconscious boy, and Yuffie holding the Keyblade close to him, while keeping an eye out for Heartless. Miraculously, they made it all the way to the Green Room without an attack. Yuffie, after placing the Keyblade leaning on the wall, took a peek in the room next to hers and Leon's. ''Hey, d'you know where Aerith went?'' she asked, a bit confused. ''Yuffie,'' Leon started, a bit annoyed, ''she's gone to look for whoever the King's sent.'' The cheerful teen giggled: ''Oops, I forgot!'' (Again) Leon grunted, as he searched the room for painkillers and a bag of ice. ''I'm gonna go out for a while, I need some fresh air.'' ''What, you're not gonna wait for him to wake up?'' Yuffie fell melodramatically on the bed, pointing at the boy next to her. Biting back a curse, the man glared at her. ''I said that I need some fresh air!'' The girl winced. ''Fine, fine,'' she mumbled, ''go and leave a helpless girl with a strange, unconscious teenaged boy... On a bed... Alone...'' (Yuffie, helpless? Please...) Grabbing the bag of ice he had finally found, Leon left her and the Keybearer. He walked aimlessly around Traverse Town, mind racing through the happenings of the last week. First the sudden increasement of Heartless roaming around, then the visit from the King, and finally, the boy. He was so deep in thought that he didn't spot the girl walking in to him until she had fallen on her rear. ''Oh, sorry, didn't see you... You okay?'' Leon asked, as he helped the girl back on her feet. ''Huh, Uh, yeah, I'm fine, thanks!'' she replied absent-mindedly, before muttering to herself: ''Man, I gotta start looking in front of me more often..'' ''Right...'' Leon took a closer look at her, as he noticed that she was the same girl from outside of Cid's shop. By the look of awe and curiosity in her sea-blue-green eyes he judged that she wasn't a local. The girl seemed to be about Yuffie's age, a year or two older at most, and was dressed in a black knee-length skirt, a light blue top and a dark blue jean-jacket. The girl's knees were slightly scraped and bruised, but she didn't seem to notice the small trickle of blood running down her ankle. She looked a bit weak and frail, and appeared to be unarmed. Leon was about to warn her about the Heartless, but the girl had started to walk away, having barely even been aware of him. There was a strange confidence in her stride, as if she owned the town, instead of visiting it for what probably was her first time. He could hear her sing softly to herself as she walked on: Burning on- just like a match you strike to incinerate the lives, of every one you know. And what's the worst to take, from every heart you break... Her voice was strong and sweet on the same time, and it left Leon even more stunned. He was starting to suspect that there was more to the girl than what she let out. *** Evie had, in fact, barely noticed the man. There was just something so... So calling about the town, that all she could do was walk around and stare. Plus, she was completely lost. By the time she got to the Third District again, she had reached the bridge of the song: Can you hear me, are you near me? Can we pretend to leave and then we'll meet again, when both our cars col- Evie stopped singing as another of the black creatures appeared from the ground. It leapt at her, and she ducked with a squeal. As it flew past her, she hit it as hard as she could on the back, sending it to the wall. (Hah! Sucker! Oh crap...) Three more creatures had appeared behind her. They looked bigger than the black thing Evie had just punched, and they were wearing some sort of a uniform, with a silvery helmet. ''Nghah,'' was all Evie could utter, as she turned away, running for her life. (Oh crap, oh crap, oh craaaaaaap!) More and more of the creatures were forming, and panic started gripping her heart as she dashed through the streets of a unfamiliar town. ''No!'' Evie wailed, as she saw that she had ran in to a dead end. She pounded on a door next to her a few times, but soon turned around, facing her attackers. (Sh*t, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die...) The teen screamed on the top of her lungs and lifted her hands in a semi-protecting fashion, as the creatures lunged at her. *** (What was that?) Leon, after hearing the scream, looked up to the sky, trying to trace the voice. He started jogging towards the Third District. Some Heartless appeared in front of him. ''I haven't got time for this!'' he snarled, wiping out all five of the Soldiers in one swing with his Gunblade. *** Evie, who had braced herself for impact, was gaping at the bluish shield that had appeared in front of her seconds before she would have been hit. It vanished as quickly as it had materialized, and two weapons formed in her outstretched hands. The sword was nearly identical by shape to the one Evie had seen the man wield at Cid's shop, but hers shone black, with a dark brown wooden hilt. The gun looked like a blaster from Star Wars. Except her gun was turquoise. (Uuuh, flashy!) She didn't really have time to think of her new-found weapons though, since some of the creatures were lunging at her. She swung the gun-sword in a tennis-like backhand stroke, hitting her attackers around the waist. In a puff of blackness, they disappeared, while a small pink heart hovered above them, until they too vanished. ''Take that, you jerks!'' Evie shouted triumphantly, as she pulled the triggers of her weapons. A fire-pillar shot out of the blade, while a small red lazer-beam came from the tip of the smaller weapon, (Yup, I'm sooo calling this a blaster) destroying most of the opposers left. The kickback flung her backwards against the wall. She eyed the few remaining creatures furiously, as she rubbed the back of her head. A mental picture of them being crushed formed in her head... and that was literally the fate of the uniformed attackers. ''Did I- did I do that?'' she stammered. Evie rushed to a more open place, expecting another attack, which was exactly what she got. She pulled the triggers again, as she swung around with the blade. Unfortunate for her, nothing came out of the tips of her weapons. ''Damn it, how do I reload? AAARRGGHHH!'' Evie found herself screaming yet again, only this time of pain and rage. One of the uniformed creatures had jumped on her back, sinking one of its talons in her shoulder. She fell, hitting her head on the hard brick ground. Dazed, Evie watched as a dark blur (Is that their leader?) pretty much flew past her, wielding a blade and destroying nearly every one of her tormentors. The last few were blown to bits with a powerful column of fire. (Guess not...) Evie got up on her wobbly feet, as she examined her saviour. ''Hey, your that guy who attacked that kid!'' The man turned at her, glaring. ''I was trying to help him! Besides, it's none of your business. Who are you anyway?'' He suddenly stopped dead on his tracks, as he stared at Evie in shock. ''Rinoa?'' *** (It can't be her, she's... I saw her...) His thought were cut by the voice of a girl: ''Excuse me?'' He blinked in disbelief, as the woman seemed to fade in to a younger girl. She shrunk four inches, her shoulders broadened her a little and her chest grew a bit. Her waist stayed nearly the same. The dark brown hair became a lighter golden brown shade , longer, thicker and wavier. Even though her eyes were a darker blue when compared to Leon's grayish-blue ones, they weren't dark enough to be mistaken for brown. All in all...She was the strange newcomer he had bumped in to earlier. (The hell?) She was now looking at him, slightly concerned. ''Uhh... Are you okay?'' ''I'm fine,'' he reassured, ''just had a long day... You don't look that fine though.'' ''What? Oh yeah, I'm feeling kinda woozy now...'' the girl muttered, right before collapsing. Leon caught her , and saw the Heartless claw stuck in her shoulder. A venomous claw. ''I'm going to have to take tis out of your shoulder, and it's going to hurt.'' ''Okay...'' came the drowsy, muffled reply from the teen leaning against Leon's chest. With a quick, precise move, he snatched the claw out. It didn't stop the girl from gasping in a foreign language something that sounded like: ''V**tu p**ka p**k**e!'' After the outburst she fell limp against him. The two weapons vanished in to thin air. (Great, another unconscious teenager for me to care of...) You can't kick me down, I'm already on the ground. No you can't, cuz you couldn't catch me anyhow. Blue sky but the sun isn't coming out, no. Today is like I'm under a heavy cloud. The song Evie was singing was Helena by My Chemical Romance, the 'title'-song for the chapter is Avril Lavigne's Runaway. Another thing: Yay, my 150th post!
I lovded you piggy!!!!! What? You're the one who told me to say that! I'm not lying sis! Anyways, I like the story... Lol! Finnish cussing!
This chapter was exciting, interesting and yet, good. Although I did find some spelling mistakes throughout the beggining and middle section of the chapter. But overall it was really good! I enjoyed on how to described things, which brought images to my head, knowing exactly what your were saying in your chapter. Keep up the good work!:)
Fine I'll admit that I said that.. Don't you understand sarcastism? (you're the one who said that first, don't go denying that) And despite the fact that I said post almost anything here, the inevitable is awaiting. Oh yes, my most overused Leon quote: *facepalms* Oh, darn, spelling mistakes? *run's the fifth spell-check, then blushes* Most of the mistakes wouldn't have happened to be in Cid's lines, would they? I was trying to catch the accent... One thing I noticed when I wrote that was that it's a lot easier to write with accents and dialects in Finnish... But thank you again for reading this, I really appreciate it! I thank you too for reading, but I must say: Et tu mi Roxas-Chick? *facepalms* But anyways, here's chapter three, hope that you like it... Even though I probably am making things more complicated than what they need to be. And the title song is Wake Me Up When September Ends, Green Day... Chapter 3- Wake Me Up When September Ends [Evie got up from her knees, cursing fluently in two languages. She looked around and moaned: ''Oh man, I tripped on a loose brick...'' After gathering her belongings, she rushed to the bus, barely reaching it in time. (Finally something going right today!) She sat on a bus-bench, grabbing a tissue from her pocket and dabbing at some of the cuts and bruises on her hands and ankles. After getting home Evie had a quick snack before she went down to get her brother, Jake. ''Jake,'' she snapped, ''off the Playstation. My turn. Now.'' The fifteen-year-old boy turned towards her, after pausing the game of course. Their nearly identical sparkling blue-green eyes met. He grinned at her. ''Oh come on, sis, I haven't been on that long!'' ''I called you at 11:30 and you were on it then. It's nearly three o'clock now. Aaaaand, your supposed to be sick! So-oh if ya don't get off now, I'm afraid your gonna have a 'nice' little chat with dad.'' Jake's eyes narrowed in mock-rage. ''Killjoy!'' ''Only to you, dear Jakey!'' Evie smiled sweetly. Her smile gentled a bit as she went on: ''Hey, there's some pizza upstairs for you, if you would like some.'' Jake smirked at her as he got off the couch. ''Save that for me, won'tcha?'' he said, pointing at the television scree, as his hand raked through his thick and slightly overgrown blondish-brown hair. He stood well over a head taller than Evie, and he was dressed in dark jeans and a black Metallica t-shirt. Even though he looked quite a bit like a basic emo/rocker guy, he was always cheerful, and a skilled love-song write. When he got off the computer or Playstation that was... Evie rolled her eyes as she did as her younger brother had 'asked' her, before she continued her own file in the same game, Jak 3. She only had the final boss to beat, so after a couple of curses and a few of ''stay still you jerk''-typed outbursts, Evie dropped the controller on her lap, grinning victoriously. (Hah! At least I can beat this game more than once! Probably cuz it's one of the easiest ones I own...) After watching the ending scene, and giggling uncontrollably at the otsels warnings, she decided to finally finish Kingdom Hearts 2, a game she had been playing every now and then for about a year and a half. During the next few hours she finally defeated Demyx, (No! Freaking ! Way! Oh, nooo, he died...) Xaldin, (I thought he was supposed to be tough?!?!) Xigbar, (Serves that annoying jerk right!) Luxord, (Hahaa, Sora got turned in to a dice! Wait, HOW THE HELL DO I MOVE?!?!?!) Saïx, (Let's kick some butt kissing ass! YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIK! Berserk-Saïx scary...) and the first Xemnas battle. (Oh how I wonder why I can hear the Imperial March in my head...) Evie was about to make Sora enter through the door Xemnas had created (or maybe it was someone else, she had dozed off half-way through 'Xemmy's' speech) when she heard a woman's voice call her. The voice just happened to belong to her mom. ''Carrie Harper!'' she yelled, ''Get up here right now!'' (Huh, she's home so early?) Evie glanced at the clock. It was 7 p.m.. ''Oops,'' was all she could think about.] (Okay, more like a Everworld-rip off come to life) was Evie's first coherent thought when she regained consciousness. The second one was: (Ouch). Her whole body, apart from her stomach, heart, shoulder and head, felt hot and itchy. Her stomach was very empty. As for the rest... Well, saying that they seemed to be on fire would have been the understatement of the decade. She could barely see through her pain. What she could see was that she had been brought in to a blue room. Trying not to think of her discomfort, Evie started to focus on random things in the room. Like... The smell of grease everywhere... A blob of something that looked like a mixture of a Lego-block and some Jello... (Lello? Ummm, Jego?) The black bed with dark-blue covers that were on her... A poster saying ''Welcome to Traverse Town!''... The voice of the boy at Cid's store, clearly relieved, saying: ''I'm so glad that you're okay, Kairi.'' ''Kairi?'' an amused voice of a young girl answered, ''What are you talking about? I'm the Great Ninja Yuffie!'' (This could be good...) She yelled out louder: ''I think you mighta overdone it, Squall!'' The sound of a door opening could be heard. ''That's Leon!'' came a cold, and slightly pained answer. A moan escaped from Evie's lips, as another wave of pain and heat rushed through her. Leon, who was apparently the man who had saved her, commanded the girl: ''Yuffie, go check on her.'' ''What!'' yelped the girl, ''now that he's finally awake, you're sending me away!'' The man grunted: ''It's not like it would take you longer than a minute... Do you have to counter everything I say today?'' ''I'm already gone Squ-Leon!'' squeaked Yuffie. As the girl came in to the room, the pain burning in Evie forced her to cry out. Tears started rolling down her cheeks, as the agony became unbearable for the girl, whose biggest injury prior to this one was a sprained ankle. Yuffie obviously noticed this, because she rushed to Evie's side, grabbing a glass of dark green liquid from the black counter next to the bed. ''Hear, drink this, it'll make you feel better,'' she whispered surprisingly softly, violet eyes widened in concern. ''Thanks,'' Evie managed to gasp, before a blinding flash of pain lead her back to a deep slumber. [''Yes mom, I'm prepared for my English exam tomorrow,'' Evie sighed, while stuffing some grilled chicken down her throat. She continued, a bit unclearly: ''Besides, I've been speaking English all my life, and it's a Finnish school, so I've already got an edge on everyone else...'' ''Don't speak with your mouth full,'' her mother snapped. Jake snickered a bit, but nearly choked as Carolyn Harper fixed him with a glare. Evie raised her hands in to a 'okay, I give up' gesture. She got up put the dishes in to the dishwasher, and locked herself in to hr room. She grabbed one of her favorite books, Eragon from the floor, crashed on to her bed, and read for hours. Every now and then she got up and worked on her acoustic guitar version of the Evanescence song Good Enough. Then Evie went to sleep, and dreamt normal dreams- normal for her at least...] Aerith shot off her bed when she heard Leon yell in the other room: ''Yuffie, go! Sora, let's go.'' The girl nearly crashed through the door, not noticing that she had slammed it on to Donald Duck, King Mickey's short tempered Court Magician. Aerith cried out as Yuffie rushed past her, grabbing the older woman's arm and pulling her out of the room: ''Yuffie!'' She nearly shrieked when Heartless appeared in front of them. Yuffie summoned her, and beat the Shadow until it vaporized. ''Hi-ya!'' the ninja shouted, as another enemy met it's end, before running towards Cid's room. (The girl!) Aerith sped after Yuffie, and they pushed the door firmly behind them, sighing in relief when they saw that the newcomer was unharmed. She was squirming underneath the covers though. Aerith went up to her, and dabbed her forehead with a wet cloth. After Leon had explained what had happened (well... most of it at least) to the girl, he had left her on Cid's bed. Aerith and Yuffie had stripped the unconscious girl down to her underwear, trying to keep her cool before the fever would strike. The woman could see that despite their efforts, the girl was soaked in sweat. She sat down next to her, attempting to make her feel as comfortable as possible, as Yuffie stood near the door, acting like a guard. (Who are you? Where are you from? What's your story?) Here comes the rain again falling from the stars. Drenched in my pain again, becoming who we are.
Hmm... Good story... But really just feel like to say this... WHATEVER Remember... just... kidding...
Oh my God, I'm so sorry for those few readers I've had for completely neglecting this story, I've just been so caught up in school, other fan-fics, etc. I'll try to finish the next chapter as soon as possible, though... >.<
I dunno, I've written 'bout a third of the chapter, so if you'd let me be on for a longer period of time, I might be able to finish it sooner... Or then not, depends if I'm in the mood of writing >.<
Hey!! This is the first KH fan-fic I've read... so I probably can't judge it properly...anyway... I liked it :D Like others said, it's really easy to see what's happening in your story. I like how you have those brackets in between lines. I didn't get used to them straight away, but now they're funny and make it more interesting, and it's good how they really show Evie's personality. Also, its good how you've linked the story with events in this world. Those parts are really mysterious, because they seem to be set before the KH adventure, so I don't know how they could be linked yet. And I also like how your character so easily fits around the Traverse Town storyline, but in her own, mostly careless way. Her personality is different to what I'd expect in KH, she's ignorant, a bit rude (obnoxious?), and sorta careless. But she's also very likeable, made even more so with the backstory. Hmmm, criticism... As good as the 'this world' storyline is, you really need to connect it to the 'kh world' storyline. The story just seems a bit disjuncted at times, maybe because important and unimportant things aren't getting the attention they deserve. Um...anyway, one other thing that could improve your story is more serious thought from Evie. The bracket thought is funny, and adds variation to your story, but don't overlook the serious thought. She hasn't really considered the fact that she's in another world , that she actually killed things (for her, killing creatures larger than spiders probably wouldn't be usual), that she saw fire magic, or that there are strange things like Heartless and Moogles. All these events seem to go by with some humorous exclamations but little deep or intelligent thought. I hope I've helped, or at least sound like I was trying to help, and that I didn't just ramble. Anyhow, great story, I wanna read more :D
