Short Story for Creative Writing! NEEDS CNC ?BY TOMORROW MORNING D: !!!

Please help me out guy's! My teacher read my rough draft out in class, and before hand made everyone get out a sheet of paper, and write down negative and positive things about the story. I reviewed them all, and revised everything, and such, so I DESPERATLY need you guys D:

I'll rep whoever Reads and CNC's <333

BTW, I was thinking of the name Kay-Leah, because the original name was gonna be "Kaylee" but then i decided to go with Kay-Leah
=)

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The Best Things in Life Are Always Free​

By: Cupcake

Vanessa made it all begin with a dream. A dream to do so much better than what she thought was possible. She had it all.. Nice house, nice husband, and a nice career, but no kids. The lifestyle Vanessa chose was very simple, but she would throw it all away, right at this very moment, if she could help the one unsettled girl at Belleview High School.

Kay-Leah had almost nothing to her name, including no family. She had bounced from house to house, over the past four years, until settling in her boyfriend‘s apartment.
Vanessa always became engorged in deep thoughts on random occasions, worrying about Kay-Leah. She’d considered actually adopting her.

Though, she did have two things to her name. The same raggedy outfits she would wear to school, and the bulky bulge in her abdomen, where she was almost nine months pregnant.

Kay-Leah had a few things she didn’t need, and needed to find the strength to let go. Her involvment with the Tundra Gang, and the Shikon Gang, and Jaden O’Conner, the dead-beat jobless boyfriend, to put her down constantly.

Being a guidance councilor has only taught Vanessa three things.
One, never trust kids. Two, try to keep the peace going with them.
And three, troubled teens, are always calling out for help.
But now, as the days go by her, she always stops to think if she regrets choosing the life style she wanted. To help others, which she never got growing up.

~*~*~*~

Vanessa sat in her office, jingling around with her keys, sniffing the melting cinnamon candle that was lit in the middle of her desk. Her long brown hair curled into her black coat, and her olive green eyes stared into a few pictures on her desk. The one on the left consisted of two African American teenagers, in front of a neutral blue backdrop. The border on the bottom read, “Mac & Kay-Leah 4-Everâ€.

The tall boy on the left looked average, well built, and handsome in the tuxedo he was wearing. The shorter girl on the left looked dazzling beautiful. Her hair was braided into a ponytail, and she wore a lovely blue gown that he had bought, just for her.

The second picture, was the school picture of Mac, a ribbon tied at the top left corner, and a small note folded and read ‘To Mac, and only Mac.†Vanessa could vaguely remember Kay-Leah giving her the note.
“I wrote him a note,†Kay-Leah’s voice echoed in Vanessa’s mind.
“Don’t open it though, it’s only for him.â€
The top border was engraved, in Brown and Turquoise, the school colors. It read “In Loving Memory, Mac Prater, 1990-2007.†The memory of Kay-Leah in her office a few days ago began to rush into her head.

Kay-Leah walked in her office, just as it was getting dark and hectic outside, from the thunderstorm. The room only had one lamp on, the main lights expelled from the office. The cinnamon candle was lit in the dead center of the room. The doors flew open, as Kay-Leah dragged her soaking body into the room. It was three hours after school, she should be at home with Jaden. Something must have been up.
“Kay-Leah?†Vanessa called out, a hint of concern in her voice. “What are you doing here?†she asked. Kayleah pulled off her holey jacket, where her solid brown shirt then pulled into view. Yhe bottom of her abdomen barely stuck out into vie.w She placed one of her hands over her stomach, sitting in the chair. Vanessa couldn’t tell if there were tears rolling down her cheeks, or if it was the rain, but her dark nose was slightly pink, and her eyes were red and puffy. Her braided dark hair dripping in her lap.
“I know the truth. I know how Mac died,†she said, her voice slightly hoarse. Vanessa shifted in her seat, and leaned forward slightly. She put her hands on the desk, intertwining her fingers.
“It’s been three months, Kay-Leah,†Vanessa started, before Kay-Leah shot her a pleading glance. Vanessa puzzled her fingers around.
“Enlighten me,†she said, wondering the truth behind the tale.
“Here’s how it started,“ she began, shifting around in her seat, to get in a comfortable position. “I was cleaning up Jaden’s apartment, and I came across a black notebook on top of the fridge. I read a little into it, and it was a book of all the sins he kept. The beginning described that before he died, he wanted to die with the book, and praise that god would forgive him of all the horrible things he’d done, but as I read more and more into it, I found out, that Jaden is involved real deep with Shikon Heights, and got real jealous when he found out that he’s the father of this baby. He organized the whole plot of Mac‘s death, and got his homeboys Corey and Nate to follow them out. Jaden tore a hole in the Holiday Inn roof, where Mac worked. He knew Mac worked there as maintenance. So when he went up to fix the roof, Corey and Nate pushed him off, and ran,†she said, struggling to story. Vanessa shifted around, taking a few deep breaths. She closed her eyes for ten long seconds, then listened to Kay-Leah break the silence. “All this time, Jaden tricked me into believing he was there for me, and that he would love me as Mac did,†she barely whispered. Vanessa opened her eyes slowly, and looked up at Kay-Leah.
“What made you want to go to Jaden?†she asked, in a slow hiss.
Kay-Leah seemed distraught with the question. The bright candle gleamed off her glossy eyes.
“I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to face the tragedy alone,†she clarified. Vanessa shook her head, sighing.
“Listen here hun. You’re never alone. I’m always here, and I always want you to call me if you’re ever into any trouble… You got that?†Vanessa asked, pulling a sticky note off a stack, and writing down the number’s. “And for the time being… I want you to decide on whether or not you should trust Jaden or not,†Vanessa added, reaching her the sticky note.
“Will do Mrs. Bee,†she said, finishing the conversation.

Kay-Leah wandered around Shikon Heights, looking for any sorts of clue’s that might help her prove that some of the gangs had really caused her death. She was somewhat frightened, but she had the courage to stand up for herself.
Jaden’s cell phone buzzed in her pocket. He must’ve found out she’d taken it for an emergency or something, because his house phone was calling now. She pushed the ‘dismiss’ button, and continued walking around.

Thirty minute’s into walking, she’d walked a mile and a half, reaching the mini mart. Twenty of the minutes, she’d been followed by dark Nissan, which raised her suspicion. The front two doors opened as it came for a stop in front of the bench at the store. The engine kicked off.
“Yo baby, where you going!?†the tall one walled out, raising up his hand, motioning her back to the car. The plump one jumped on the hood of the car, laughing slightly. The tall one wore a long white sleeveless shirt, and baggy jeans. The chubby one wore a same outfit, but the designs were different on the pants, and he wore a dark cap sideway’s.
“He asked a question baby, where you going!†he called out.

Kay-Leah looked in the eye of the tall one, then at the chubby one, on the hood of the car. She saw at the bottom of her vision, a plate on the front of the car, that engraved “Coreyâ€. She looked at the taller one. That must be Corey, and the one on the hood Must be Nate. Kay-Leah hesitated, then ran inside the mini-mart, where she was soon followed by the two gangster’s. The clerk at the front yelled out something in a language she couldn’t understand. He was a Chinese worker, who must’ve been the manager.

Kay-Leah made it to the back of the store, running out of the emergency exit. She burst out the doors, and looked down both sides of the alleyway which she came to a stop to. She looked to her right, the alleyway was empty. She looked to her left. A dumpster was sitting right by the door. Easy access for employee’s. She ran to the other side and started pushing on the dumpster, but it didn’t budge an inch. She’d try to cover up the emergency exit. It budged slightly, covering a small portion of the door. She backed up and pushed on it again, finally moving the dumpster to a fourth of the door.
Her phone buzzed again, and she pulled it out, sitting against the wall, out of breath. She slid down the cold wall, and felt the rain began to pelt her face against. She covered the phone with the jacket she had on, hoping the rain wouldn’t fall through the holes and onto the phone. It was Jaden again. She dismissed the call, and started searching around her pockets.
“Where is that number?†she mumbled, still out of breath. She found the note, then heard a bang on the door. She yelled out, as the loud noise made her jump. It was the two gang members again. She rapidly pressed number’s into the phone, and heard the line ring one time, then go straight to voicemail.
“Mrs. Bee… I need your help,†Kay-Leah whispered into the phone.
“I’m behind the mini-mart in Shikon heights. These guys have been following me around most of the night,†she whispered, then felt the cell phone jerk from her hand. There they were again, towering over her, like bricks around a house. She whimpered slightly, her back still at the wall.
“Yo lady. We ain’t gonna hurt you. Jaden just wantin us to keep a eye out on you, dat’s all,†Corey spoke. He held out his hand for her, but she refused.
“Listen here tramp. Jaden wanted us to mess wit chu. So get up, and get on the bench, before something bad happen to ya,†Nate began. A slapping shove came into his chest. He looked up at Corey.
“Yo man, dat ain’t no way to treat a lady, such as her stature,†he said, acting all nice and goody-goody. He looked down at her and shrugged his shoulder’s.
“ b’Sides, she ain’t lookin to hot, ya know? Her face look all pale and white,†he said, holding out his hand again.

Kay-Leah had no other choice. There wasn’t any way she could get out of this mess, but she had only one single thread of hope. Mrs. Bee getting the message on time.
“Come on baby doll, let’s get you on the bench. Ain’t no way a lady gonna be on the ground soaking wet, being pregnant n’ all,†he spoke again, pulling her up by her arm.

~*~*~*~

Vanessa finished up the schedule change for the school, and printed out five hundred copies from the copy machine. She’d forgotten her phone was off.
By the time she was finished, the storm blew the power out at the school, and all Vanessa had for light was her candle. She searched for her phone in her bag, hoping it would produce some light to find her car key’s.

She dug in her bag, and then produced in her hand, her small cell phone. Once it was on, the small message flashed across the screen.
‘Once Missed Call
One New Voicemail’

Vanessa punched in a few number’s, then heard Kay-Leah’s voice through the receiver after pushing the speaker button.
“Mrs. Bee… I need your help. I’m behind the mini-mart in Shikon heights. These guys have been following me around most of the night.â€

Vanessa was out the door after she heard the words, “I need your help.â€
She raced to her SUV out in the teacher’s parking lot, not bothering to unfasten her umbrella. The rain pelted on her body, until she made it in her dry cozy silver SUV. She pushed her key’s in the ignition, and dug around in her glove box on the passenger side. She held up a can of pepperspray and broke the seal, as instructed. She clicked it on her car key’s, and backed out of her space, and headed into the dark, ready to help, where she was needed.

“Hang in there Kay-Leah,†she begged in her mind. The long road still had a few more miles, and the thunderstorm slowed her down. The wind-shield wipers made their squeaking sound, as they pushed off the rain water, allowing a better vision for Vanessa.
She crossed into the domain a few minutes after she’d drove. She saw a Nissan parked at the mini-mart, she was hoping that Kay-Leah would be at. She pulled in, seeing three figure’s out her window. The rain made it very difficult to see. The thumping on the roof of the car made it difficult to hear the engine shut off. She pulled her key’s out, holding onto the can of pepper spray, hiding it in her palm. Vanessa beeped the horn, then opened the door, getting out into the rainy night. She closed the door quickly and watched the rain pelt her, and the group at the bench.
“Kay-Leah!†she called out. She looked scare. The gang member’s took a few step’s closer. They were messing with the wrong person.
“Get in the car,†Vanessa called out to Kayleah.
“Yo man, the lady stay’s,†Nate called out. Vanessa stared him down, watching him back up a space. Vanessa clutched the pepper-spray closer.
“The lady goes. This is your first warning,†Vanessa called out. Kayleah attempted to stand up from her stance, but was pushed down by Corey, the taller gang member.
“What; You deaf?†Nate called out to Vanessa., putting a toothpick in his mouth, gnawing on it.
“Second warning,†Vanessa said sternly, her tone impatient. She shot Kay-Leah a glance, like a signal for her to stand up. Kayleah struggled under the pressure of Corey’s hand keeping her on the bench. Vanessa walked over to Nate, hissing through her clenched teeth.
“Last Warning,†she hesitated. Turning the hidden spray in her hand. Nate shook his head, finally impatient with Vanessa. He brought back his hand, ready to back slap her. Vanessa recognized the threat, and took a step back, lifting the can up, in his direction, and pushing on the nozzle, watching the solution now burn his eyes. Vanessa pulled the can around to Corey’s face, who then jumped back, holding up his hands in defeat.
“Get in the car,†I hissed to Kay-Leah, repeating the words that I first said upon arrival. Kay-Leah finally stood up, without the pressuring force of Corey holding her down on the bench. She hurried over to the passenger side of the car, closing the passenger door as she slid into the SUV. Vanessa stared at the two gang member’s.
“Go do something better with your life, other than prying on girls,†she commanded, giving them the exact advice they needed.
Vanessa headed back to the SUV, getting in, and revving the engine to life. She backed up quickly, and spun the wheel, skidding on the pavement, into the highway, opposite of the way she’d came. The silence lasted in the car for a full minute.
“Mrs. Bee?†Kay-Leah began, breaking the silence. Vanessa turned her head, glancing at Kay-Leah, raising her left eyebrow. “I’m sorr she apologized.
“Don’t worry about it Kay-Leah. You’re alright, and that’s all that matter’s,†she said, turning her head back to the road. Kay-Leah stared out the window, watching the rain pelt the glass.
“Kay-Leah?†Vanessa called out, looking back at her. Kay-Leah turned from the misty window, looking at Vanessa’s call.
“Ever thought about…†she began, and a silence broke in.
“Having me, as your mother?†she finally asked. Kayleah shot the winning smile back. Vanessa then knew, she was ready to be a mother, just as Kay-Leah was.

 

Comments to come shortly.

 

eh not bad course i usually enjoy something with more action but its good

 

Do check this. I saw some slight spelling errors(around 3 only).

This kind of reminds me of a book about harlem I read, and this was rather exciting and interesting, this is sure to get you a good grade. I found you used the word "pelt" "pelting" ect. there are other synonyms you could use instead of repeating the same one. that's all , otherwise this was very good.