*yawns* Finally, I'm finished with the first chapter. It's an idea I have for a manga, and I kinda wanted to post it in story form, too. Tell me what you think ;D I am 13 years old, and a perfectly normal teenager. Of course, that’s what it looks like on the outside. I love hanging out with my friends, shopping, playing tennis and all that stuff, so what’s so different about me then the other girls my age, or should I say, everyone around me? I was given the kiss. You probably don’t know what that is, but I’m about to tell you what it is. By being kissed, yes, it was a guy, but no guy you would ever want to kiss. It was a Death God who kissed me, a Shinigami. Now by kissed, I don’t mean the thing that couples share. By kiss, I mean it was a gift of a Life God. I somehow met the requirements to be brought back to life by a God of Life, for I had been killed a few months earlier. No one knew I had died, of course. I was brought back to the realm of the living so fast, seeing as the Shinigami had been watching me. The only problem was that I wasn’t all human anymore. Something went wrong, and the Death God later told me it was most likely because he was a God of Death breaking the rules. Actually, breaking the rules is incorrect. He was banished from the realm of the dead because he did not want to bring harm to the world with his magic, but life and protection. I’m not sure why I became what I am now, and he said the others he revived (though it has only been a few. The requirements are very hard to meet) were perfectly normal. Now what do I mean by not human? Well, basically, a lot of my genes, actually, almost all of them, have become blessed, and I took the form of the most likely thing my heart would have wanted me to become. Thankfully, I wasn’t an ugly monster like the Shinigami would be, but instead a beautifully, snow colored wolf with streaks of scarlet making significant patterns all over my face, chest, back and paws. That’s where the Gods of Life found the name for me: Wolf Firepaw. Now, I think that name is very tacky. You all can think what you like, but that name would never be the words people would call me by. I shortened it to Whif, which was made from the initials of Wolf Firepaw. Hey, Whif isn’t as stupid as Wolf Firepaw. You are probably wondering why I am not banished from the face of the earth and sent to live on some moon on Jupiter…or something like that. I was killed by an unknown force, maybe another Shinigami to torture Eris, the Shinigami who saved me. I hear that Eris had taken a fancy for me, and that’s why he saved me. Anyway, I was killed in a grove of trees behind my house, where I would take my dog all the time to get some exercise and so he can do his business. No one except the dog saw me when I was killed, except maybe my killer. All I know I was struck with a horrible pain and collapsed in a deadly silence, to be brought back to life right away. I found that I could will myself to be in a human form, though I think now I will never be a human again. Now that the whole situation has cleared up, I think you might be interested as to where I am taking you. Well, my dear friend, I shall take you there, though now I will not tell the story in first person, seeing as the real tale has begun. I am much more comfortable talking in third person, so away we go. Erica Fey, or Eri, as everyone called her, sat alone on the ugly, yellow bus that was cruising along the road at a moderate speed. The bus, as you’ve probably guessed, was a school bus, which stood out with its disgusting mustard color like the tallest man wearing tie dye amongst hundreds of dwarves wearing gray. I know, a strange simile, but that’s what came to mind. Eri was an average teen; she wasn’t popular but she wasn’t a geek. She had a bunch of friends just like her, not snotty or rude, or popular. That was all she needed to be happy. Eri was a pretty girl; slim, average height with long, flowing red hair along a very white face. If it wasn’t for the striking scarlet hair, the paleness of her skin would probably have looked horrible. It seemed like a normal day, getting up early to go to school on a regular, boring Wednesday. How Eri hated Wednesdays. They were worse than Mondays for her and for different reasons all together. She had piano lessons after school, which was something she never looked forward to. Her teacher, Mrs. Ross, hated her to death. Also, teachers seem to get together and deliberately make a lot of homework for the students to do. It defiantly dampens the spirits of many, making the middle of the week turn from a feeling of, “Yes! Only a few days left before the weekend†to, “Damn, homework in every subject?†As Eri sat down at her desk in homeroom, the serene feeling of the rural area destroyed by the puke colored walls of the classroom, which were plastered with random motivational posters that more than half made no sense to the girl. Eri sighed, her eyes drooping a bit, and people were talking and laughing all around her. How did they have so much energy? Well, one reason Eri was tired was because she was attacked the night before by an assassin. She wasn’t sure who sent the man after her, but all she knew was that she was lucky to see the gleam of his knife before he came after her. Eri remembered turning into Whif, her Life God form, and bracing for useless knife slice. The killer was obviously not told of her wolf form, because the man stumbled back and into the moonlight that danced through her windowsill. He had a gag over his mouth, to keep a word or a cough coming from his mouth so he wouldn’t be given away. Yellow, corn color hair about shoulder length rested wildly on his shoulders, and violet eyes were wide in fright. Whif, or Eri, could see the man obviously did not meet the requirements. When she was given the kiss, she could see as a Life God could, and could tell if a person met the standards of coming back to life. The rare times she was in the form of a wolf, she had never seen someone who would be apt to get the kiss. The man had made no sound, and vanished in a cloud of smoke that matched the purple of his eyes. He was obviously sent from another realm, probably the one that Whif blindly threatened. Whif became Eri, and Eri became alert the rest of the night, careful more than ever. No one in her family knew of her secret, and she didn’t want them to figure out. If only she were older, she could stay as Whif to protect herself more. The only thing that hurts a God is either a Shinigami, or a beast that is equivalent to one. The only beast that could meet that would be a dragon. Dragons were fearsome creatures that lurked in both the realms of the Gods of Death and the Gods of Life. They were the only creatures blessed to wander there, and it was a privilege for both the demons and the Gods. The dragons would help in battle, and what Eris has told Whif was that they made up half of each army, most likely more. So the smoke cleared, the man left. He wouldn’t have had a dragon tooth knife, so he wouldn’t be able to hurt Whif. He probably didn’t realize that she was a God, though, so it wouldn’t have mattered. A shrill tone ripped through Eri’s ears and brought her attention back to the classroom. Mr. McClain, the 8th grade math teacher and Eri’s homeroom teacher, was standing with his arms folded by the door to the classroom. The school was pretty big, seeing as it was a rural area, and in the rush of the morning students were heard through the hallway. Luckily, a lazy Eri didn’t have to budge because she had math first period. About half of the class stood and left, and in the four minutes before the next bell, more students shuffled into the room and settled themselves down into their chairs. Eri’s best friend, Morgan, sat behind her, because her last name came right behind hers. Morgan was short, but slim, and had shoulder length blonde hair. She had braces, which were to come off soon to reveal a beautiful smile to match her melodic laugh. She was a fun-loving person, and had been Eri’s friend since second grade, when they worked together on a project. Morgan, like everyone else in the world, had no idea about her alter ego, Whif. The bell trilled again, and Mr. McClain asked the students to flip open to the notes section of their binder. The sound of paper turning in unison filled the room, and the shuffling of people rummaging through their bags for a pencil. “Today, we will be learning about Set Notations. You might have done a little of it last year, right before the summer, if you had Mrs. Abernethy or Ms. Daley.†Eri had neither of the two teachers, and honestly did not understand at all what set notations were. Her mind was off somewhere else, fighting assassins and demons, dragons and warriors. She had never really been in another realm, only a quick time in the realm of the StoneCast, a medieval realm in which Eris had needed to find a Phoenix. Zora was the one Eris had found; a younger Phoenix who had been a companion for a long time. Phoenixes were known to work along with Life Gods, and soon Zora was a close friend and fighter with Whif. Whif and Zora worked well together, because both controlled fire. A dynamic duo, especially because of the power Zora could use. It was a secret one he had been taught through centuries (I’m sure you know Phoenix burst into ashes at old age and are renewed as a helpless chick.) This spell was called “Phoenixes Memento†and it banished evil to where they belong. A sudden tap on the shoulder brought Eri back to the classroom, like the bell had before. It was her teacher, who then asked her, “Miss Daydream, please tell me what an element to the set D, please?†People in the room were mouthing different numbers, but reading lips was never a forte of Eri’s. She looked at what she thought was set D, and stammered, “Um, I believe it would be 34?†Mr. McClain narrowed his eyes and said flatly, “Yes. Next time, you can say that to the Dean. What is with you, lately?†Eri wasn’t exactly sure, either, but it was most likely the problems that she had to endure as Whif. It was very difficult to lead her life this way. The math teacher walked away, and started to scribble a bunch of lines and letters between brackets on the board. A few whispers ran through the class, before Mr. McClain stopped them. About halfway through the class, a sudden “BOOM†startled everyone into looking at the door. A man of decent height was in the doorway, claw like fingers in black leather gloves, not unlike the rest of his outfit. A black and red hat sat on his pinkish brown hair, which covered most of his face. Gleaming red eyes were shining in the dullness of the room, and a grin of sharp teeth was in his mouth. Around his neck dangled a clear glass case in the shape of a dragon’s tooth. Inside was a deep red color, which was obviously some kind of blood. The teacher fell down in surprise, but got back up and accused him firmly. “What are you doing here? Who do you need to see?†The grin grew larger, and Eri’s heart sunk. “I’m looking for Eri. Could you point her out for me?†Morgan looked pale, and a few of the kids were still getting over the shock of the noise. Whispers of the blood ran through the class, and murmurs of his eyes made its way around, too. Mr. McClain hesitated, and then said, “Why do you need her? The office should have called for her.†The man smiled even larger. His teeth were not that of a human. “Well…I guess I can tell you. Only if you point her out, if not I will kill you and everyone here.†He drew out a claw-like device that seemed to work like a claw shot from that game Eri loved to play called “The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.†She just realized how much she was like the hero, seeing as he could turn into a wolf, too. He must’ve been scared by some of the things that he faced. Screams came from some of the girls, and one of them looked like she was going to cry. Eri wanted to spare them, keep them from their fright. Now, she would hopefully be able to confront him without revealing Whif. She stood up, and everyone started shouting, “NO ERI! HE’S GOING TO KILL YOU!!!†Eri smiled at one of them with a fake confidence and turned to the man. She could not see his name unless she was in her Life God form. The unnamed man smile shrunk a bit, but it stayed there all the same. “So, Eri, I’ve been sent to kill you by the Underground Emperor of the Yashandi providence of StoneCast. I hear you’re a threat to the entire Underground.†By Underground, he meant the realm of evil that dwelled underneath the whole of StoneCast. Even Eri knew that. She tightened her clutch on the side of her desk and said, “So? You come to a whole other realm to kill me?†He smiled, and the class started talking again. Some of the people were hiding behind their desk. Mr. McClain sure was. The man said to her, “I’m not sure why you’re such a threat. You look pretty wimpy to me.†Eri smiled again, and brushed the red hair from her face. The man lifted the claw shot and said to her without a menacing smile, but a frightening frown, “Well, time to say goodbye. This little device will rip the human out of you, leaving a soul that I can capture with the same machine and take it to my Boss.†Eri’s heart caught in her throat. There was no way out of the classroom, and no matter what he would eventually strike her with the device. She sighed and charged, which made a bunch of the 8th graders scream in protest. Curious people were gathering outside to see Eri run toward the assassin, and the killer lifting the machine. The same people saw the gadget whip through the air on a chain linked with a glowing magic, and it strike the braced Eri. A gleaming light filled the room, and a battle-ready wolf was facing the attacker. By now, everyone was screaming and shouting. People had their phones whipped out, texting their parents in a frantic dash. Half of the school must’ve been in the hallway, which was a downside for Eri, or should I say Whif. The wolf growled, narrowing its eyes. The red pattern that circled her right eye and continued into the pattern on her back was striking against her snow white fur. The name of the man could be seen through the eyes of the Life God: Rufus O’ Riley. Rufus was taken aback at her other form. “How…you have another form besides a human? Impossible!†He started to laugh though, and even dared to walk up and tap her on the snout with his talon-like, gloved fingers. Whif winced, though, at a sudden pain when the finger met her face. Why did it hurt her? Rufus howled in laughter, “A wolf? You’re part wolf? What the hell is wrong with you?†His laughter filled the room, and reminded her of that of a crazed murderer. Actually, Whiff thought that was fitting, because he WAS a crazed murderer. A sudden shock though, erupted on his face. Whif wanted to let him know she was more than a wolf, and a clear but sparkling wing appeared on her shoulder. She only had one because she wasn’t all Life God. The assassin stepped back, his peach brown hair dull against his burning scarlet eyes. “You’re a-a Life G-god? What the hell is with this mission? Is this why they wanted me to do it?†His eyes looked quickly down to the container around his neck. Whif thought she could piece it all together now. Rufus looked back up and smiled his wicked grin. “I see now. If you didn’t know, I’m 95% dragon. My wings are folded against my back, and my clothes and hair cover the rest, as well as my tail. Just one sip…†His crazed eyes narrowed, and he clutched the glass in his hand. Lifting it over his head, Rufus squeezed and without effort broke the container. The blood fell into his mouth when he held his head back, and then ran along his chin when his head rested back on Whif. Before her eyes, the assassin became dragon, a little larger then a human, which was the same color as his hair. Clothes strewn on the floor, including his hat, the dragon could now freely swing his wings wide. Poison dripped from is gapping mouth, as well as a little of the blood he had from the talon. Whif blasted a huge ball of fire into the chest of Rufus, taking the first move. Everyone was screaming and clawing for the door, and Whif had to be careful not to harm anyone. Rufus however could care less, and with his wings he sliced the air and straight into the belly of the Life God. A gash opened and Whif was now bleeding badly, which made her stumble. Fire was spurting from her paws, but the fire went from flames to embers, and then to sparks. Never had Eri, or Whif, experienced such pain. Collapsing, the God of Life was powerless. Rufus stood above her and rasped in his new dragon voice, “And now, I will be the one to watch you die.†Wolf Firepaw, Whif, murmured with the last of her strength, “Phoenixes Memento…†and Zora appeared in an explosion of fames. The bird sent beams of shining light in the whole of the room, and when they cleared Rufus was banished to the Life God realm, where they would not so kindly deal with him. Whif could not speak anymore, the venom seeping in. Zora knew what to do, though, and responded as if she would have commanded, “Phoenixes Patch.†She was healed, and out cold.
Cliche. It's a bit cliche and copy pasted feeling. Amaterasu as interpreted in Okami, combined with the ideas of being brought back to life as a non-human entity, being the average girl, being a new god, and to top it off dragons. This is just a lot of ripped, used, and played out ideas stuck together. As you can tell I find your premise depressingly mundane and trite, but there is hope. I'd suggest a rework of this that does not so heavily rely on the factors I mentioned above. You can keep the groundwork idea but you will have to change it a bit to make it your own rather than a fanfic-like entity. This may take more effort than you are willing to put into a hbby and I understand that. Make what you like of it, you can choose to disregard my comments if it so suits you.
I understand your comment, and to be honest, I have no idea what Okami is even about, so I wouldn't have had the idea of it before XD Dragons was just a little idea I had as well, which is kind of old, but they are pictured as almost god-like creatures and as Eri being a life god this would play a part in it. Later, though, she becomes vunerable to more mortal things, besides dragons and other Gods. Sorry if it seems kind of old ^^;;
Okami is a video game. A very popular one, it was even ported to the attention whore console without looking too bad. I'd stay away from anything related to it so directly even if you came up with it on your own. I understand that, but it's more the use it gets than the age that makes it a bit hard to use without seeming cliche. I'm sure you are going to do something with it, but the fasct remains that it's really not presented in a very effective way here. the beginning is often where people choose to stop reading. It's hard to be original nowadays more than ever because almost everything has been thought up before. So the presentation of the story is very important as well. Like I mentioned earlier, it's fine to keep this but you should work for something of a very high quality with something in it that will make it interesting, somehow different. Similarity and conformity is okay, but if there is nothing remarkable about this then no one will want to continue in it. Sorry if I'm being redundant or simply commenting on that which is self evident. Also, red almost hurts my eyes to read, the contrast is unpleasant.
No, no, I don't mind. Dicsipline (or however you spell it) is much needed for a writer, and I do see where you are coming from. I knew what Okami WAS but nothing about it XD I agree, originality is hard to come by nowadays. Thank you ^^
