Sex before marriage

I have been nearly pressured into this stuff before. I always refused though. I firmly believe that every person should wait for it. I take virginity as something you can give to your spouse taht only she can have. No one else in the world may have it at all, only them. My question is, do you think it is wrong to have sex before marriage, and if not, why?

 

It isn't wrong, it's pretty much necessary. Sexual compatibility is one of the most important parts of a marriage, and it contributes to most divorces. I don't believe in casual sex, only because I don't think it's a perfectly healthy lifestyle, but sex is a major part of relationships.

 

This is really all opinion and different based upon your religion and upbringing.

I see waiting before marriage as an out dated tradition and not something that society really needs these days.

It's a wonderful merit to uphold, if it's right, but hell, sex is a part of being a couple, it's part of the passion, if the bedroom fun was terrible and you only learned AFTER you got married it'd be a real bummer to the whole situation

Try before you buy sort of opinion for me, I've had sex, I may marry the person I'm in a relationship with one day and I feel i'm much better of knowing we're sexually compatible as well as everything else.

 

Really, I don't mind what others choose to do in the privacy of their bedrooms (or other places but you get my drift). That's a personal decision that they have to make for themselves, and as long as they're not engaging in risky behavior (e.g. not using proper protection, sleeping around without getting tested for diseases/infections, etc.), I'm not going to sit around and ****-shame or anything along those lines. Granted I may not choose to surround myself with swingers as my best bros but I'm not about to storm into bedrooms holding crucifixes either. Overall point being, I'm talking purely about the values I hold for myself--and, perhaps, any future partner(s).

That said, I have no religious attachment or objection to premarital sex, nor do I think it's fair to say "religious people all object to premarital sex" or really anything like that. While most if not all religions have some sort of standpoint on it, it's not necessarily shared by its followers. I know plenty of Christians, devout and otherwise, who have no problem with premarital sex. Most of them have opinions of a more conservative persuasion, but nonetheless accepting.

Personally, I move slowly--not physically but in terms of attachment. So really, I would have to know that I really love and trust someone before moving onto a more physical relationship. I'm back and forth when it comes to marriage in general, I don't think it has any real bearing on when a couple is ready (or not ready) to take that step. I do think it's perhaps a little foolish to marry someone without first sleeping with them simply because sexual compatibility is important, perhaps not as much as emotional/mental, but important all the same. I don't think I would wait until marriage, really.

 

I never took my virginity seriously, but I wish I had. I lost it because I wanted to know what it felt like to have sex, but I didn't feel anything at all for the guy. That's what I regret most. But either way, for myself, I would never choose to wait to have sex until I am married. I just wish I had done it with someone I cared about.​

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Sex plays a large role in marriages, as in if one person enjoys it a lot and the other doesn't, there could be a rift in the marriage. If you get with someone who doesn't please you sexually, there's a pretty big possibility the marriage could end in divorce. With that being said, I would rather have sex before I got married than to find out that I cannot get off with my husband.​

 

In all honesty, I used to have the mentally that it's better to wait for marriage, but now I just don't care, mainly because I'm no longer religious. Just as long as you're not sleeping with every single person you hook up with. I think that's my only issue with the idea of sex. A lot of people are pretty much sleeping with each other as soon as they hook up nowadays.

Another thing, unless someone is willing to wear protection if I do decide to sleep with my partner before marriage, there needs to be protection or else we'll just have to wait. I'd rather not end up with an unplanned pregnancy and struggle to take care of a child. A person needs to be responsible when it comes to sex before marriage.

 

Yes and no. Personally, I'm waiting until I get married as a personal choice my boyfriend and I decided on early in our relationship.

In general, I think it should be that you wait to have sex until you're in a committed relationship. That commitment doesn't neccessarily have to be marriage, but it should be to the point where you can feel confident that the other person will still be there for you the next day. From all the people I've talked to, sex with someone you're committed to is so much more fullfilling than sex with someone you barely know.

But the question is marriage itself. I personally believe it is okay to be intimate before marriage without actually having sex. But then again, this comes down to the actual definition of sex. Everyone has their own definition of what counts as losing one's virginity. Does oral sex count? What about mutual masterbation? Does that count as having sex before marriage? And it gets even more complicated when you bring gays into it, because obviously the whole thing of marriage and sex is a whole other animal for them.

It can be possible to find out your sexual compatibility with someone before marriage without actually having sex. You can have conversations and hypotheticals like "Would you ever consider using sex as leverage?" Or you could actually be intimate without actually crossing the line into sex.

Sex, by its very nature, is an extremely personal thing. The choice my boyfriend and I made is right for us, but it might not be right for other people. The best thing to do is to sit down and talk about it with your partner that you're committed to. If you're too squeamish to talk about sex, then you're probably not ready to actually do it.

 

I think that people should move at their own pace and what they feel comfortable with. I've always believed that sexuality is a necessity for personal expression, and that it's very important to a serious relationship. I don't think that there is a right age to have sex or any specified time. And I totally don't agree with the religious argument, but I can totally understand someone waiting for personal reasons.

I've never appreciated the peer pressure when it came to sex, and I think the biggest mistake you can make is having sex to "get it over with" which I see a lot of my friends currently doing. I've had sex with my boyfriend, but we've been going out for almost 2 years and we're seriously committed. And I don't think you have to put a ring on someone's finger to show a commitment. If anything I think that it's an old fashioned mind-set that a marriage is the end all.

Honestly, I just believe in a passionate and special sexual experience. If you love the person, it shouldn't matter if you're married. You should be able to express how much you need and want them more than just emotionally, but hey, that's just me. If you want to wait to get married to lose your virginity than you have a right because it's your body.

And I'm sick of people telling other people how they should express themselves sexually. There is a lot of **** shaming in our society, and I think instead of worrying about where someone else's vagina/penis has been you should just worry about your own parts. If someone wants to engage in some risky behavior and have casual sex then you just have to realize that it's not what you personally want, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do. I mean they could be doing something much worse, and if anything they are spiting themselves, not you.

Sex is a natural way to show someone you love them and value them closely. I wouldn't get intimate with a stranger, but again just a personal opinion. I don't think it's anything to be afraid or ashamed of if done under the right circumstances for you, and if you're taking the necessary precautions (birth control,condoms,etc).

 

Yes. To be honest, waiting until after you are married is a rather stupid idea, unless you only intend to have sex to have children.

If you plan to enjoy sex, it's a necessity to be sexually compatible. Many Marriages end in divorce due to sex-starvation as a result of lack of sexual activity/compability.

If you think that sex is only something you do occasionally, you are wrong. Unless you are asexual, in which case you don't have the appetite regular people have...

So yeah, I don't think, I know it's a bad idea to wait.
This is not saying you should sleep around. But sex is important in a relationship.

 

it's not right or wrong because it's based on opinion. it's really up to an individual whether they want to. if anyone tries to tell you that's it's one or the other (right or wrong), i wouldn't take them too seriously. as for me, i'm honestly neutral, i don't really care one way or another.

 

I'd like to know who the ones voting that sex should wait until marriage are because so far I've only seen one argument supporting that. I'm genuinely curious though, I don't see a need to debate it. (Edit: I really want to stress that I mean this. xD I'm just curious!) ​

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Personally, I used to believe that (consensual) sex should wait until marriage. I was raised that way. But to be honest, I am an extremely shy and to myself person. I don't open up to people easily. I don't talk to people. I'm afraid of people. I've been sheltered for a long time after some pretty...horrifying experiences with men when I was younger.​

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At some point all dating turned online because that was the only place I could be myself without being afraid or getting hurt. ​

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My experiences with men didn't get any better and a lot of my 'dating' experiences have been online. I'm not going to turn this into a long distance relationships are void conversation, but at this point I don't really count any of my past online relationships as anything, regarding the physical. I mean, why would they be? Lol. ​

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However, this all changed when I actually met someone I was dating online. He knew the emotional side of me and I had already opened up my heart to him. While we were apart, we had both voiced our whole waiting until marriage requirement. ​

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Then we met and hormones and attraction happened. It became this whole moral conflict, I guess. I had never physically been around someone I was actually in love with, so it was never hard to 'resist temptation'. About three years or further back, I kind of dropped the whole Christian thing. So the conflict was personal. The conflict became not because the Bible said so, but more a struggle of just figuring out if I was even ready for something like that, and if I'd regret going that far with him. ​

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Which is what opened my eyes to the fact that I don't understand why you should wait until marriage at this point. I don't believe in whoring yourself around. I don't believe in having casual sex just because. I don't judge anyone for what they do, but I myself personally would really like to keep sex sacred. But why would experiencing sex compromise how special it is? I don't know, that's like me telling someone who supposedly loves me that I'm not a virgin and them reacting like, "AWAY WITH YOU, WENCH." ​

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I mean, it just doesn't make any sense to me. Honestly, anyone who would reject me if they weren't the only one I had slept with is not someone I would ever want to be with. I would always prefer to be with someone who loved me for who I was, regardless of my mistakes or flaws or experiences. It's just silly to me. ​

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Personally, I have not had sex with my boyfriend yet. We met once for a week, and then again and he lived with me for over a half of a year, and no, we have not 'gone all the way'. Has nothing to do with religion or not being attracted or thinking I'll be worth less if I do because that is honestly really stupid to me personally. ​

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Like, how are you going to know? The majority of my life I've lived, I've been reserved and cut off emotionally and just kind of a recluse. My current boyfriend was my first kiss, my first cuddle, my first sleeping-in-the-same-bed-as-a-boy-I-like, my first holding-hands-in-public, my first making out, my first...a lot, and I was his, and us doing anything was like ... super awkward at first. I mean, the first time we held hands I almost fainted. ​

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I haven't gotten to know myself very well, in terms of sexuality. I've always kind of rejected that with holy water. Now that I'm starting to grow and mature in that regard, it's a really good thing. I mean, a really good thing. I've never felt so good about things. I realize that living the way I did like ... seriously kind of screwed me over with myself. I feel like Rapunzel from Tangled most of the time. Everything is so new, and fortunately I've gotten to experience all of that new-ness with someone who loves and respects me unconditionally. No pressure. Nothing but love and patience and I'll always be grateful for that. ​

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Experiences usually result in maturity and growth, and sex is definitely an experience I would like to have when I'm ready. I don't see anything wrong with that. Whether we're married or not, we're in love, it means something, it's special, we trust each other, we'd be safe about it and we both have a pretty good head on our shoulders. I don't see the sin in that, whether we stay together or not, if it's him under certain circumstances, there's no way I see myself regretting it. ​

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TL; DR: ​

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I used to think you should wait and now I don't think it matters and believe it's a personal preference. ​

 

I see nothing wrong with it. I don't think it's "casual sex" is the smartest thing, but at the same time, I don't think it's such a terrible thing. Some people are really...free sexually and if it's consensual (and safe, definitely), let them screw around, I say!
However, for those that aren't so sexually free, I don't think you should wait for marriage (like others said, sexual compatibility is an important part of any relationship), but I believe you should only do it with those you genuinely care about quite a bit. My girlfriend and I are planning on getting married after we graduate and we waited...ten months before actually going "all the way" (well, a little less than ten). She's also very religious, but even she's open-minded about it. I was 19, she was 20, we dated ten months, and we're each other's first and plan to be each other's last. Why would we wait?

Sex should not be considered such a...taboo thing, especially today.

 

I'm gonna agree with Jayn and say it's a personal preference.

I've personally never even kissed a boy (unfortunately), but I think sex is one of those things that's different for everyone, and as long as it's with someone who you're in a good relationship with, it's up to you.

I think, when we were about that age when we first learned what sex was, we all thought it was only for married people. It's sort of like that mentality when we're little where we all think we're gonna marry the prince/princess and live happily ever after and have a perfect sugarplum life with no problems ever. But then, as we get a little older and more mature, we expand our horizons a bit and we see that life isn't what we thought it was however many years ago.

But yea, getting back on topic, I think sex before marriage is perfectly acceptable as long as you're not just sleeping around for the hell of it. :/

 

Well, for me it is important to have sex before marriage because it is good to know if you can please each other or not. I wouldn't want to be with someone if they couldn't satisfy me or if I couldn't satisfy them. Plus, sex is a great way to get into a deeper emotional level with the other person, it binds you two closer than without sex. It also lets you know if you're comfortable with each other, you know being able to be naked with each other and so on. I'm not against the whole "wait until marriage" thing, but it is unnecessary.

 

I voted no because I thought the poll was asking my personal choice before I actually read the thread.

And it's really weird, but I can relate to a lot of what you said in this post, especially the online boyfriend + meeting in real life + trying to understand myself sexually after having it shunned by religion for so long.

I agree that it should be a personal choice, not a religious one.

To expand more on why I/we chose to wait until marriage:

My mom got pregnant with my sister when she was 17. She dropped out of high school, got her GED, and went to college. But then she got pregnant with me, and had to give up her studies. Even now, she's still trying to go back to college, but it's really hard to keep up with classes when you have a family to take care of.

I don't want to end up like my mom. And you can't tell me "Well just use birth control" because 3 of her five children were created while using some method of birth control. The only way for me to be 100% certain that I'm not going to have a kid that'll mess up my life is to not have sex at all until after I graduate college.

My boyfriend has his own reasons for wanting to wait until marriage, but he agrees that he's not ready to risk having to support a family either. So we decided that, assuming our relationship continues, he has to wait until I have a diploma in my hand before even proposing and a stable job before the actual wedding.

 

I will openly admit that I advocate waiting due to religion. However there is a bit more to it.

Oxytocin is a hormone that is released in higher amounts during sex (particularly women) and has been shown to lead to increased feelings of attachment. When you've bonded like that breaking away sucks, and perhaps worse is when you don't fully break away and they are still there when you move to a new relationship. Neither option is healthy.

This emotional attachment could also lead you to follow an otherwise unhealthy relationship farther than you otherwise would, especially if the sex is frequent. In contrast if you are already strongly committed to someone this burst of oxytocin can be big in cementing that in place.

Finally, I 've talked to my brother over the years and he has been very sexually active (though he has slowed down recently). One of the main things he tells me is that overtime the sex meant less and less and now it hardly changes anything about the relationship to him. And on top of that he finds his mind returning to the early ones frequently. Admittedly not in a positive light, but many of the ones after that he can't even remember names; yet he can't seem to let go of the first few. That kind of relationship doesn't just vanish, and it will quickly wear thin.


Now I understand most people are not crazy like me, saving my first kiss for marriage, but I would strongly urge people to at least wait until the relationship is very serious. Like engaged level serious.


EDIT: I would also like to say this clearly since my bringing in my religion tends to group me with some sterotypes. I look at biblical rules as things that I should uphold best I can and should encourage others to do the same. I am in no way aiming to judge people that make what I view as mistakes or in any way prevent them from making those actions. So advance apologies if I ever come off that way, and please call me on it if I ever do.

 

really respectful of other peoples' beliefs there buddy...

but honestly it's all up to what the person's opinion about it is. is it right? is it wrong? who knows. what i want from sex is to have it with my future wife and her only. just because i feel like them being your one and only really strengthens the bond of marriage and i can see why it is important to the marriage. now when people make the argument 'why not try out the car before you buy it' i can understand too. again, it really comes down to it being your choice. right or wrong? who fricken knows.

 

Not gonna wail on you due to religion, because I think most people here know what I think of it. I have some things to point out/ask you.

Breaking away sucks regardless. Just because you have sex with someone, doesn't make it any harder than a normal breakup. (Speaking from experience here)

If you stay in an unhealthy relationship, it's highly doubtful it is because of the sex. However, if that is so, there are usually other reasons for them staying in it.

It doesn't have to. Most mature (not calling your brother immature) people will go on like normal after they have sex. That's how it's supposed to be. Whether or not you feel closer to the other person varies.

That's normal. You always remember the first ones, because they were the most special. It's basically like anything. For example, I remember playing my video-game. It was absolutely amazing. I don't have the same feeling towards it now, but I still enjoy it thoroughly. (Yeah, quite an odd comparison to make, but it's still valid)

I think saving the first kiss for marriage is unhealthy, for a lot of the same reasons waiting with sex is not particularly smart. If you don't have a physical connection to the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, you will inevitably have problems.

I don't really think you should sleep around, (not that I give a crap if you do), but the seriousness of a relationship isn't based on whether they are engaged or not.


I'm not questioning your belief, I'm just pointing out what I consider to be flaws in the logic.

 

I actually have a friend who lost her virginity at 15. She's now 17, and she's in an on/off (currently off) relationship with the guy she had sex with. Everyone's been telling her for years that it's an unhealthy relationship, but she just can't seem to get out of it for good because she feels obligated to him because they had sex. Just saying, there is some validity to Mixt's points here.

 

As I said; sex isn't the problem. The issue here is her thoughts regarding it and him.

If she believes that because she had sex with him, she owes him the continued pleasure, or whatever; then the problem is her interpretation of what sex between two people means.

And if that's her only reasoning, perhaps she is the one wanting it from him. Either that, or she has other issues, none of which roots back to them having sex. I'm not going to go around saying things about people I don't know, but there is definitely more to it. (Mental issues)