I decided not to post this in Help With Life, because I'm not looking for help/sympathy/pity or anything else along those lines. But, if anyone on staff decides it is better suited there, then so be it. Okay. // deep breaths // Spoiler I've been staring at today's date on the calendar for a few weeks now, trying to figure out why today seemed so important. I knew there was something about today that was slipping my mind and I just couldn't put two and two together. Then, this morning, while I was working the breakfast portion of my shift at the hotel, I remembered. Today is the anniversary of my mom's last boyfriend's suicide. He died when I was fifteen and to be completely honest, I liked him a lot more than I will ever like my step-dad -- that's another can of worms completely. Along with this, is the fact that next month is the anniversary of my aunt's suicide as well. She died when my cousin and I were seventeen. Her older sister was turning twenty in just two weeks later. Like I said, I'm not looking for pity or anything so I would appreciate not receiving a bunch of replies asking if I'm fine or how I'm holding up. I'm all right, really. I'm saying something hoping to spark some sort of mature discussion about loss and suicides or something. I dunno. Feel free to ignore me I guess. I tend to joke about it a lot, but it actually is a rather sensitive topic to me. However, no one needs to feel awkward about said jokes when around me after reading this. I will still laugh along or whatever. If it steps over the line I will say something. I just ... I guess I just don't want them to feel forgotten. I don't want anyone to think they will be forgotten after death. They won't. Someone will always remember. I remember all the time. I constantly think about Erik, who shot himself in our garage. I was at my friend's house the night before and my mom was quiet the entire ride home. It wasn't until we got back to the house and I saw the cleanup crew vans sitting in the cul-de-sac that I finally asked what was up. Then, to have my aunt overdose two years later has hit me pretty hard. Um, I want everyone to know they're not alone. No matter how hard it seems and how alone you may feel, there are others out there that understand what you are going through. You just have to find the right person to listen. They will get what you're going through. I will listen if you are desperate for someone to talk to. Especially because I had one more person very close to me try to kill himself. This is something I have never breathed to another person, but for the sake of this post, I'm saying it right now. March, my boyfriend tried to hang himself with an extension cord and if I hadn't been there to stop it, he wouldn't have made it. I stood in our friend's garage supporting his legs to provide slack to the cord. His neck was so incredibly bruised for the next week it made me cry every time I looked at him. He hasn't tried to do it since and has sought help to deal with his issues. He's better now and deeply regrets what he tried to do. I have said to myself so many times, "Why me? Is it that everyone I care about kills themselves?" I still don't have an answer, but I know it's not my fault. No one else should blame themselves either. There are people to talk to and are both willing to listen and want to listen. Even if we don't get along, I will gladly listen. Not really sure where the 'discussion' part comes about from this, but feel free to say something. And thanks for listening....
Spoiler: I warn now. I'm not quite sure where to go from here, but I felt it warranted a reply... I'm not entirely sure where to go from here, so I might start rambling. But no matter where I go from here, please don't reply with sympathetic messages. I don't need it. I don't deserve it. I will try not to go too far... -sigh- When I was younger, I never could quite understand what drove someone to want to take their own life. Maybe it was just my environment. Everyone was happy, everyone smiled, everyone seemed to go through life alright. The only time I heard about suicide was on the news or something big and mainstream. In 2012, my mother and my aunt got into extremely intense fights, and my mother would just submit to them. But she was always so angry, she always had to vent. She would always take it out on my family and ruin our days, then she'd be happy for the rest of the day while we all took in her energy. I am used to taking in energy, I do it all the time. I am the person who always lets people vent to them, but my mom never stopped to consider how I felt anymore. Around November or so, just near the holiday season, my mom finally stood up to my aunt on Thanksgiving when my aunt tried to force us to go to her house again on Christmas because "I cook better than you." and it got worse after that. Throughout the holiday season, we would try to do the joyous things a family does. But my mom would still read texts and listen to voicemails from my aunt, and then she'd flip out. December 15th my mom took us to the mall to go shopping for grab gifts for a family party, and my mom decided she needed to call my aunt. She distanced for a few minutes and came back with a really sad face, and it seemed off. When we got to the car, my mother went insane. We had to stop her from driving and put her in the passenger seat. She was scaring my dad, she was scaring my brothers, and I told her she needed to calm down. I then finally spoke out, "Don't take out your aggression on us. We are trying to have a good day and you keep bringing her back up!" My mom tried to grab me in the backseat but she couldn't reach me so instead she verbally assaulted me with everything she could. She called me worthless, a disappointment. She asked why I had to be such a terrible daughter and why I couldn't just stop talking back to her. It brought me to a point I can't explain well, I already have had depression problems in the past, but this wasn't that. It was a feeling that when I think of it scares me. I wanted to jump out of the moving car while we were on the highway. I am a person who is afraid of PAIN and I wanted to jump out then and there. I didn't want to hear her anymore, I'd rather just be gone. And in the end, when I sat there holding back tears, I looked in the front seat to see her with a big smile on her face. December 17th I decided to go out and get my mother a Christmas present with money I earned on my own. I wanted to get her something meaningful, something to make her happy. I found a place in town that makes custom sculptures, and I sculpture of an angel hugging a baby. It was a really meaningful gift in my head, I was saying indirectly how she was my guardian angel and how I was her baby. On December 20th I couldn't take it anymore and decided to give it to her early. I handed her the gift wrapped up in red and green paper. She had a smile on her face, and when she opened the box it quickly turned into a frown and she lifted up the angel, moved it to the couch, and dug through the box looking for something else. NOTHING WAS THERE. I KNEW nothing was there and she wanted more than a statue. She lifted up the angel and pointed at it saying, "This worthless clay statue is all you bothered to get me?" I don't want to explain the details of December 21st in fear that I will go too far, but my brother(the brother I constantly complain about...) found me and stopped me before I had a chance. He screamed at me in horror yelling, "You were gonna let her get to you! You were going to die because you couldn't do it... how do you think I would have felt Coll? How do you think we all would have felt if you went and did that!" She stopped. Everything stopped. Sometimes I wonder what I would have done if it didn't. I think it is scary how much of me was gone and how much I wanted to get out... I didn't want to talk to anyone because I felt no one wanted to listen... or if they did, they wouldn't know how to help. I knew my mom wasn't normally this kind of person and I didn't want anything to happen.... I guess now that I have gone off like I have, I should probably justify why I bothered to say all this. I now know that feeling that younger me used to wonder how people felt... and I sometimes get scared that I might stoop down to that again. Now I know this was probably not meant to be a "tell me your suicide stories" thread, but I went off anyway... And it reminds me that there are some people who are willing to listen... I am sorry to hear about your losses Hyuge (I know you didn't want this to be about that) and I hope the hardships end... If anyone else needs someone to talk to about things... I'll be here. I don't want people to feel the same way I did... it's scary.
Wow, the stories in this thread are very powerful indeed, I find suicide so incredibly sad and, although I know no one who has actually died from it I have had my share of experiences. The hard part is trying to convince people who are suffering to get help because they can't see a better option, I know that as I was once in that state. I dislike people who say it's selfish, yes it may be but you need to empathise with the people suffering instead of condemning them because they can't help how they feel. It's just like people who misunderstand depression as just being "low moods" so they should just "cheer up", it's not that easy. I know I have ranted about this before so I won't go into it but yeah. First thing, I take it very seriously and not long ago I had a friend (I say friend, I barely knew her but she talks to me on FB when she needs someone to talk to) who came to me to talk to and tell her all her worries. Of course, I will always open that with open arms because I like to be there but what she did completely crossed the line. So she came to me with an urgent message and then was just like "My friend just sent me a picture of this! *insert picture of rope*" (she had been telling me that this friend was abused and suicidal) and then asked what she should do. Now I took this very seriously and told her to tell her mum and go to her house as quickly as possible. I then proceeded to text around to ask people to pray for her and a few days later she even made a facebook status about her friend "resting in peace after an overdose". She told me that she had died after being taken to hospital and it saddened me greatly. This was also at a time when I was revising for exams so I was under a great deal of stress anyway. About a month afterwards I found out she had made the whole thing up and was actually a compulsive liar. I was so angry so I stayed away from her and was told not to get involved any more so that is what I have done. Anyway, the reason I am telling you all this is because of how much it angered me, it felt like she cheapened the whole concept and I was not happy at all. I know she actually has a lot of problems but putting me under that stress just for attention is just terrible. I also have a very close friend who made an attempt on his life recently (I didn't know him that well at this point) by jumping in front of a bus but ended up doing more damage to the bus than himself (he had a few bruised ribs). Since I have known him though, we talk quite intimately about how he feels and it's not a simple "cheer up mate, here have a coffee with cinnamon in it" because of how he thinks. Now, he is a philosophy student and so questions things a lot and I have had my fair share of discussions with him one of the main ones being "How can you tell if stuff is real?" His premise is, how can we trust our senses if they sometimes fail us and how can we tell if things are real without trusting our senses so what actually is the point of life? Why don't I just go kill myself? Who knows what difference it would make? And I hate it, the discussions depress me so much but he has them so much and I have tried to talk him out of suicide more than once but I think he is more stable now as he accepts his depression. I don't think he would do it because he doesn't want to suffer any more death or cause anyone else that pain but that is subject to change I suppose. It's hard because there is little I can do (he lives in Wales and I am in England) except talk to him but I don't think this is something likely to end any time soon.
The boyfriend, your aunt and your boyfriend must have been hiding a lot of pain even with good things in their life. I know since I have step close to the edge of killing myself. Something or someone must have made them feel like they are the most worthless pieces of crap ever to walk the earth and that things would be better without them. I'm glad you were able to save your boyfriend, I hope he looks at you now as light in his darkness. Just remind him that he would be missed greatly if anything happened because even years after the last attempt the smallest bit of sorrow or pain and cause that mind set to come back. I haven't tried to kill myself since I was 17 (25 now) but sometimes I do feel like just walking out in front of a speeding bus. Luckily I have people and things to keep me going and it's clear you want to be one of them things that helps people deal with it, and that gives me hope for people who want to die right now since they all have someone or something they turn too if they only just look for it. I found mine by telling myself things would get better (And that my sister walked in on me with the knife to my wrist the last time).
