Hey guys! So this is my first Fan-Fic. Though I think it might be a little stupid at first. I would greatly appreciate comments. What's 5 minutes of your time? -------------------------------- Secrets of the Past Chapter I: Darkness, screams, and secrets. “How long has it been…since I started having these…*Visions*? Almost 2 years now. Since…that day” The figure gets up from the bed. Walks slowly to a nearby table and picks up a glass of water. He seems to be worried about something. You can see fear in his eyes. But fear of what? The figure lived in a small house. Doors and windows shut. Dark as dark can be. The man heads to the door and opens it. Bright light finally enters his dungeon called “Bedroom”. The small house could give away that the town he lived in was full of darkness. But as soon you see him opening that door you know you’re wrong. Children playing, birds chirping. Cats and dogs fighting. Strange a man lived in such a hollow home in such a cheerful town. The man steps outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. A calm look suddenly comes to his face. He sees a red haired man coming towards him. The Red head just bumps into him and keeps walking. You hear “I’d say sorry if I were you” The man stopped, turned around and said “Yo! My apologies. No need to get testy. Name’s Ale, got it memorized?” “I never asked your name” said the man. “You never said you didn’t want to hear it” He chuckled. Then said “Later”. And Disappeared. The man seemed late for something. ------------Meanwhile, in another location---------- Darkness, all we can see is darkness. Expect in one little corner where few people were talking. “What about our “friend” ?” Said a man. A woman said “We’ll know soon enough Ienzo” “And…Is our bait ready? -----------30 minutes later------------ We find our mysterious man in front of a beautiful house. Plants on the balcony. A bird cage. This house has welcome written all over it.(Not literally though). Just when mysterio man was going to knock on the door, a huge scream can be heard echoing trough the town. The man rushed to see what was going on. He searched trough the whole town, why is he so obsessed on finding this scream? Finally in the town square, he saw a crowd of people. Forming a circle and in the middle was a pedestal. On the pedestal was a weird creature. Almost 2 feet tall.Though it seemed harmless. But there was no sight of a person screaming. Just a curious crowd. He decided to walk away from this. Mist suddenly appeared out of nowhere. The creature suddenly started attacking the crowd fiercely. The man turned around. The creature was already staring at him piercingly. He started shivering, losing his anger, losing himself. He was on his knees a second later. Holding his head tight like something was in his head. He started hearing screams. Screams he has heard before. Seeing him defenseless, the creature decided to attack him. It jumped high. Darkness following its every move. Darkness helping it’s every move. A strange figure suddenly jumped out of an alley. He took out his hand while in the air and some sort of weapon appeared in his hand. And with one blow the creature was dead. The body….just dissolved. He said “Forget to use your keyblade again eh ? “ The mist disappeared. The figure was identified. “He” was a “she”! ----------------- That's it for now I guess. I want real comments. Don't say "IT'S AMAZING" just because you don't want to hurt my fellings. Don't lie like that. Tell the truth k?
Ok... Keepin' it real... good lord Did I really just say that? XP Nuhya... H'okay. You have a really intresting idea going on here. And you have a pretty good grasp on discriptions, albeit a little repetative. Here's where I'm going to give some Constructive crit. Beef up your discriptions. I know we don't know the man's name yet but give us some sort of bigger discription or at least say "he". Seeing "The Man" over and over again get's repetative and boring. Plus when you have two unknown men it gets' confusing... Both Make reader lose intrest. Using such phrases as "--Meanwhile, in another location--" is kinda amatur. Again paint pictures with your words. Then again I'm kinda a discription junkie so that might just be me. :D Either way you have a good start and I do want to read more. I'm also glad you want people to stay real when they tell you. I give you a 3.5 out of 5.... Which is really good. Trust me.
Thank you! That's a comment. Meh,3.5 for my first try aint half bad I guess.^^ Guess I should start making Chapter 2. And yea you do have a point om the repetition. I should have checked it out a bit more before posting it. Thanks for the advice. And thank you for that SoraFan.You never get tired of being nice don't you?:)
Well ok,the story until now seems really great. You have a good idea there. You intrigued me. Your disricptions are solid, and one can imagine what's happening. But the repititions...oi. Try to work on those okay? It's really good for your first time. I would really like to know the rest of the story.
Couldn't of said it better mahself. XD; It's good and all, but there's always room for improvement. =3 Oy, I shoudn't be here... I've got stuff to do... -_-; *gets back to work*
So how come you do the red stuff? (I bet I'm the only one who doesn't know...) I really like it!!! It makes me feel like I'm in an insane asylum in the first half and then in the second half I feel like I'm rolling off a cliff of randomness! Very cool way of doing things. And I started freaking out when I saw the name 'Ale'! GOOO AXEL!!! I can't wait to read the second half.
