Welcome, to Season's Greetings, a murder noir set during Christmas. There will be swearing, nothing too graphic, and minimal suggested themes. Ho Ho Ho. It's cold. Damn cold. Damn the Hudson. I gotta get warm. I see a coffee shop diner blinking between snow drifts. I guess this'll do. The traffic was light but what would you expect at 2 on Christmas Morning? I now know how that jolly old fat man can survive the great white north: extra padding. As i move toward the diner, i can make out a police siren scream far away, probably all ready at the Park. I'm almost to the door, when i get nailed by a snowball, hitting me below the neck. YOU BLOODY ******* i scream. No ones there. I tighten the coat closer, damn kids. I take a seat in the first booth. Nat King Cole is softly singing Christmas carols. I order an Irish Coffee, gotta stay warm in this damn cold. I look at my rusty wrist watch: 2:07am. Am i waiting for a sign, forgiveness, or Karma? The neon light out front says they've got the best coffee in the tri-state area I look at the menu to see for myself. blood. Blood is dripping down my overcoat, onto the sweat smeered menu and cracking leather booth. I lift my hand to my back, no snow, just more blood. Damn he wasn't dead. Last thing I see is the diner menu...
It was pretty good, but a little creepy. Watch your grammar and try not to move too fast. Other than that, it's pretty good.
You forgot to capitalize the 'I' and 'blood' somewhere, but otherwise, great job. :) Move slowly, check it over a couple of times to make sure the grammar is good, and this story has a lot of potential...I can't wait to see what happens next. XD
thanks for the comments. I went for kind of a faster speed so you could tell that this guy was in a hurry to get away from the Park, plus with the kind of film-noir / POV style i'm going for, I left out some stuff just because i wanted to pick up the pacing, the next few entries won't be this fast.
Okay, that's understandable, but even with the fact that you wanted to emphasize rushing you could have described the character's thought process and stuff a little more because you put it in first person so if you did so it wouldn't make actual time pass in the story. IDK It's just a suggestion. This story is still off to a good start.
4 am Christmas Day Not sure how i'm going to do these chapters, but i think this will all be one large chapter...but anyway, here's the next part. The scene was as grizzly as it was early, and nothing annoyed me more than getting called by PD dispatcher, ex number two, to a double homicide on Christmas Morning, guess this is Karma for not giving her kids. I lift the lapels of my jacket against the early morning chill, and step under the flapping police tape. I look down from the snow swept hill to see the scene of the crime, ground zero and pull the coat tighter, not from the cold, but i'm trying not to vomit the burnt toast and stale coffee. The two figures are partially covered by last nights snow, the blood creating an odd discolorization. I lean forward stretching on a yellowed latex glove and examine the bullet hole. Gunshot small caliber, possible a twenty two. That narrows the field from all of New York to just under half. No jewelry appears missing, wallets are still here, no money is gone. The woman is lying facedown with a blood staining the snow around her head from a through and through while the man is sprawled on his side behind her, single gunshot to chest. My detective brain, or what's left of it begins to piece facts with guesswork. Robbery turned bad, mafia assassination, suicide? I look through the victims wallets for an id. Gotcha. "Merry Christmas Trevor and Danielle Marcosi." The coroners eyeing me with both shock and resentment. Forgot the girls got morals. My apologies Trevor and Danielle. My mind begins to wander as the street traffic and noise become more of a comforting buzz of activity. 15 years I've done the same thing day in and what do i get? A rookie who doesn't know who Creedance Clearwater Revival is getting a promotion while i'm stuck with alamony. I rip away the police quarden, the beat cop yells something against me. Screw him, before he was born I was practicing Nuclear Evacuation drills. I miss those days. Those days everyone lived in the moment, not like today That all vanished along with The Wall. Screw the job, i'm going to sleep. They want me gone so be it. I look at my silver wristwatch: 4:13 am. "I'm gonna--" My damn phone begins to shake like it's trying to escape from my pocket, I chuckle. Still can't believe that these used to be the size of bricks... "Osgood." "Yes Chief glad to hear that i'm not the only one in a jolly mood today." "Stop being a smartass Rick. Meet me at Micks Dinner on E 57th Street and Madison." The chief never leaves his office, he trying to rope me in so that he can fire me quietly? Or did the coroner rat me out for leaving the crime scene... "Not in the mood for flapjacks, call a rookie in, they'll gladly pay for you." "Rick, it's about your brother." That stops me cold, Vince was fighting in Iraq. The street sign reads 65th Street and 5th Avenue, looks like whiskey will help me sleep this morning. Only three blocks Northwest to go... "If you and him are becoming fast Jarheads, more power to ya. I support your decision to marry, i could care less about him." He pauses and clears his throat, this isn't like him. The North Walk light and figure flash to life. "Vince was killed in Micks, Rick. Called in two hours ago and we just id'ed him." I can't feel the biting cold or sense the warmth from the holiday cheer. I turn around and start the slow 9 block walk. Merry Christmas Karma.
Ooh, intriguing...the grammar is better, although be sure to keep checking it, reading it slowly to make sure it's even better and more structured. Anyhow, great job, can't wait to see what happens next. :)
Nymph is right, the grammar has improved. I still say you could slow it down a bit, but the story is good, I can't wait to see what happens next.
