roxas the lost story,

R O X A S ~ T H E ~ L O S T ~ S T O R Y​

this is my first story ever so its not gonna be very good, but i will try to make like 4 chapters per week, cnc, was it good or bad? and why?

EDIT: NOW THAT I FINISHED MY STORY I WILL MAKE A MASTER POST(SOON).​

EDIT 2: DONE

MASTER POST:

Spoiler

R O X A S ~ T H E ~ L O S T ~ S T O R Y​

Chapter ~ prolouge​

Late night. A boy with blue eyes, 13 years old, with spiky blond hair, wearing white shirt and pale pants, and normal shoes is falling from the Sky at an immense speed. He was dreaming about a boy with red clothes, spiky brown hair shoving a weird blade on his chest pulling a white shining orb out, the orb slowly entered a girl's chest and she woke up from what appeared to be a long slumber.



He slowly opened his eyes, woke up and noticed he was falling, before he could even scream…

*BAAM*

He falls on the asphalt-like ground with terrible force, he faints, and wakes up much later, he found himself in a small crater, with a diameter of 40 feet, he woke up, got up, and felt no pain, not knowing who he is, he was surrounded by buildings, they all looking the same: dark, obscure, and with a few lights and neons blinking,
There was no one in sight, he slowly trembled and said “hello, is anyone there?”.
​

Chapter ~ Chapter One: "the man in black?"​

"Hello, can anyone hear me?!" He screamed repeatedly at the top of his voice, "How Pitiful..." a sophisticated voice interrupted from beyond, "Wait, What?" the boy said.
"Who are you?! Where am I?! Who am I ?!" he questioned with a raging voice.

"You know nothing, and one who knows nothing..." the voice halted, as a cylindrical pathway of darkness (corridors of darkness) appeared and a man in a black coat came out of it, "...Can comprehend nothing" he finished, the coat had a hood that caused a shadow over his face, so the boy could not see his face at all, after that the pathway closed, "Who am I?!" "What’s going on?!" he asked rumbling, "You are a Nobody, you should even consider you’re existence a reality" the man mocked him.​

Chapter ~ Chapter Two: "the confront"​

"What?!" he said grunting, he saw a wooden stick on the floor, he grabbed it and ran towards the man in black, he tried hit him but a small force field, about the size of a door, made up of small hexagons, appeared. he hit the force field, and was thrown back by it, he fell on the floor and got back up. "Why are you here?!" The boy asked.



"You fool, I came because I thought you could make an exceptional new member, but look at you, you are week and do not even remember from whence you came, you are even not worth my time."
He turned around as a pathway of darkness appeared he was about to walk in, he held one of his hands up and snapped his fingers. Three weird creatures with leather-like flexible bodies appeared; they had no eyes, zippers as mouths, and a weird emblem on their heads. "Dusks, Destroy him." he commanded.

with no hesitation the so called "Dusks" flew to the boy, when they reached him he swung his wooden stick, it had split right trough them all, but when he looked down he was not holding a stick, he was holding a metallic blade that looked mysteriously like a key.

"What?" the boy questioned, the man in a black coat turned around, and said "perhaps I have underestimated you, maybe we can negotiate" he took off his hood, as the pathway of darkness disappeared, revealing his tan adult face, with silver long spiky hair and orange eyes. "My name is XEMNAS." he slowly announced.​

​

​

​

Chapter ~ Chapter three: "The Deal"​

“If you come with me I will tell you who you are.” Xemnas said with a confident voice.

“You c- you can tell me who I am?” the boy softly asked.

“Of course” Xemnas replied.

“Then, who am I?” The boy asked,

“All in time, now come with me” Xemnas said while opening a portal, “now let’s go” Xemnas said, they both walked in it, and came out in a room with lots of computers and a weird machine.

There was a man with the same coat as Xemnas; there only he had shaggy-like blond hair, and an adult face.

“Vexen, we are ready” Xemnas said with one hand in the boy´s shoulder,

“But Xemnas are you sure? He does not look anything like sor…”

VEXEN! He cannot know yet!” Xemnas argued,

Vexen looked at the blade in his hand and said “ohh, it is him, Right, sorry master, I forgot”

"Vexen, but are we ready!?" Xemnas asked,

"I am a scientist, Experiments are what I do, yes. of course we are ready, but we must be quick, we have roughly an hour before DiZ gets back"

“Boy, get in to that machine”, Vexen said pointing to a vertical like tunnel machine.
​

Chapter ~ Chapter four: "The new Member."​

The boy gave Vexen a mean look and Said

“What’s gonna happen when I do?!”

-Nothing we simply wish To Gather information.

-And I will tell you all you wish to know- Xemnas Said with a False Smile.

-Okay- he said uneasy, as he walked in to the machine

-Now how will we do t…-

He was interrupted.

-Vexen go Now!

Vexen pushed a button in the computer, and cylinders of light flashed from the machine trough the boy.

He screamed at the top of his voice, so Xemnas made a shield of pentagons to block his voice, after all they did

not want to be discovered. Moments later the boy Fainted, and the shield disappeared.

-Vexen will he be okay?

-Yes, gathering specimen information of Nobody is very tiring considering we don't exist *laugh*, we are lucky he is who he is, or else he would have been obliterated.

Don't worry he will awaken soon, and the replica?

-Make her look like the girl for all I care...

Just make sure she can Use the keyblade.

-Xemnas, in all reality she is Really HIS Replica, so that is already taken care of, I will put her into existence later; but for now let us worry about the boy, after-all he is the organization's best chance.

After a few minutes The boy woke up and Stood, he saw flashing images of the boy in red, with some girl, in his head.

-AHHH! what did you do to me?!?

-Now, Now don't be Mad, I am a man of my word, Come with me and I will tell you all you need- he said opening a portal.

-Vexen, we are done, Pack up and RTC- (Return to the castle)

-Yes, sir.-

-For the proper Explanation I need to show you something-

-Now come with me-

They both walked through the portal and the boy was Overwhelmed with what he saw.​

Chapter ~ Chapter Five: "The Rebirth."​

They walked into a very Obscure beach.



-What is this place? - The boy said dimly
-We call it “The Realm of Darkness”-
-I am the leader of an organization of people like you, people who are incomplete and wish to be whole, and if you join us, then we can achieve that Goal.-
-What goal?-
-Kingdom Hearts, the heart of all hearts, the kingdom of all kingdoms, we must collect strayed hearts and if we Are successful, we will each be granted our hearts, and become complete, however…-
-Yes? – The boy asked
-If we are not, we will fade to this place, now do you understand how crucial it is for you to join us?-
-Yes… Xemnas I Will join you! - The boy declared
-Excellent- Xemnas replied.

-Now shall we only need to perform a certain ritual… - Xemnas explained and then held his hand out and the word “SORA” was in front of the boy’s face.

-Xemnas I… I understand… but this feels… wrong… - the boy said.

-What do you mean? – Xemnas asked.
-I mean that in some way, it feels like you should not be the one to tell me this… and not here… - the boy said
-Namine! – Xemnas raged under his breath.
-Very well- Xemnas said as the “SORA” disappeared in front of the boy’s face.
He then put his hands in the boys head as bolts of nothingness came into it.
The boy had fainted again, so Xemnas grabbed him and used his pathway to go to the front of a mansion, were Xemnas laid him down on the grass and left.

~X-X~

A few hours later, the boy woke up, But this time he remembered Nothing. Xemnas came to see him.
Xemnas walked up to the boy after he got up and said -You seek answers… -.
He made the word “SORA” appears in front of his face and finished –I can give you purpose. – making the letters S O R A Spin around his head, and then he put his hand over the boy making a Yellow “X” appear as the letters were rearranged into “ROXAS”



And so, Roxas was given His name. Roxas said His name Confidently.
“That is right- The new you” Xemnas said with a smile.
~END~

​

 

Hmm. Interesting opening. Are you playing it off of the actual KH series? Pretty good, but if I remember correctly, It takes Roxas about 6-7 days before he begins to speak in complete sentences.

Still this intrigues me. Keep it up.

 

yes it is of original KH

i know that, but if i explain to you why he can speak it will give spoilers... so just wait (:

 

if i tell you what spoils you will know the spoilers! I really dont wanna give spoilers, but since you actually care about reading my story, i will try to post chapters more frequently to give you answers :)

 

Not...too bad, I look forward to this. So it's basically the KH2 story?

 

But of course. Why else would you write something? Out of boredom?

Ha, I should speak for myself and my work I'm doing right now...

 

this i will answer, no it does not occur in KH2

actually, a little bit yhea, i have nothing better to do... :^B

 

You have an issue with run on sentences. This is a great chapter, but it seems to quick because there's no breaks, other than the paragraphs. I'm not sure if the first line is supposed to be "Last night" or "Late night" but if it's the second one, you definitely need a period.

I'm very interested in seeing where this goes. Despite the runon sentences, your story's well written.

 

yhea, thanks, ill get to fixing that...

Spoiler: CHAPTER ONE

R O X A S ~ T H E ~ L O S T ~ S T O R Y

Chapter ~ Chapter One: "the man in black?"​

"Hello, can any one hear me?!" He screamed repeatedly at the top of his voice, "How Pitiful..." a sophisticated voice interrupted from beyond, "Wait, What?" the boy said.
"Who are you ?! Where am I ?! Who am I ?!" he questioned with a raging voice.

"You know nothing, and one who knows nothing..." the voice halted, as a cylindrical pathway of darkness (corridors of darkness) appeared and a man in a black coat came out of it, "...Can comprehend nothing" he finished,the coat had a hood that caused a shadow over his face, so the boy could no see his face at all, after that the pathway closed, "Who am I?!" "Whats going on?!" he asked rumbling, "You are a Nobody, you should even consider you'r existence a reality" the man mocked him.​

Spoiler: CHAPTER TWO

R O X A S ~ T H E ~ L O S T ~ S T O R Y

Chapter ~ Chapter Two: "the confront"​

"What?!" he said grunting, he saw a wooden stick on the floor, he grabbed it and ran towards the man in black, he tried hit him but a small force field,about the size of a door, made up of small hexagons, appeared he hit the force field, and was thrown back by it, he fell on the floor and got back up. "Why are you here?!" The boy asked.



"You fool, I came because I thought you could make an exceptional new member, but look at you, you are week and do not even remember from whence you came, you are even not worth my time."
He turned around as a pathway of darkness appeared he was about to walk in, he held one of his hands up and snapped his fingers. Three weird creatures with leather-like flexible bodies appeared; they had no eyes, zippers as mouths, and a weird emblem on their heads. "Dusks, Destroy him." he commanded.

with no hesitation the so called "Dusks" flew to the boy, when they reached him he swung his wooden stick, it had split right trough them all, but when he looked down he was not holding a stick, he was holding a metallic blade that looked mysteriously like a key.

"What?" the boy questioned, the man in a black coat turned around, and said "perhaps I have underestimated you, maybe we can negotiate" he took off his hood, as the pathway of darkness disappeared,revealing his tan adult face, with silver long spiky hair and orange eyes. "My name is XEMNAS." he slowly announced.​

 

Just finished reading through. :B

I have to agree with Loxare on the run-on sentences. The first and second chapter were a bit less run on then the prologue, but it could still use a bit of work.

Like there. You're describing both Xemnas and the Nobodies in the same sentence, which throws off the pacing of it. Changing it to something like

That would keep the pacing of the sentences slower, so it doesn't read as one big huge breath, if that makes any sense.

Overall, I like the concept of Roxas' beginning days and want moar xion
Hope you update soon. c:

 

thank you very much and im sorry but there wont be any xion...(if you keep reading you will understand why)


making new chapter now~~

EDIT-school has me soooooooooo busy, i will post new chapters on the 28th

 

neww chapter people!!!

Spoiler: CHAPTER THREE

R O X A S ~ T H E ~ L O S T ~ S T O R Y

Chapter ~ Chapter three: "The Deal"​

“If you come with me I will tell you who you are.” Xemnas said with a confident voice.

“You c- you can tell me who I am?” the boy softly asked.

“Of course” Xemnas replied.

“Then, who am I?” The boy asked,

“All in time, now come with me” Xemnas said while opening a portal, “now let’s go” Xemnas said, they both walked in it, and came out in a room with lots of computers and a weird machine.

There was a man with the same coat as Xemnas; there only he had shaggy-like blond hair, and an adult face.

“Vexen, we are ready” Xemnas said with one hand in the boy´s shoulder,

“But Xemnas are you sure? He does not look anything like sor…”

VEXEN! He cannot know yet!” Xemnas argued,

Vexen looked at the blade in his hand and said “ohh, it is him, Right, sorry master, I forgot”

"Vexen, but are we ready!?" Xemnas asked,

"I am a scientist, Experiments are what I do, yes. of course we are ready, but we must be quick, we have roughly an hour before DiZ gets back"

“Boy, get in to that machine”, Vexen said pointing to a vertical like tunnel machine.
​

 

Ohh, very interesting. The writing format is different, but I won't really criticize on that. Pretty good. Shame the chapter was a little short though, but I've done the same thing.

All in all, please keep up the good work my friend.

 

Another great chapter. I just want to let you know that when you have a new speaker, you need a new paragraph. There are certain exceptions to that, but those are only used in professional writing.

EXAMPLE

“If you come with me I will tell you who you are.” Xemnas said with a confident voice.

“You c- you can tell me who I am?” the boy softly asked.

“Of course” Xemnas replied.

 

Just one thing.




Isn't Roxas 15?

 

I think so. Sora was 15 when he started the game right? He was stabbed, lost his heart, etc.
His nobody is technically 0 years old, but body-wise, he should be 15.

 

thank you all for the Cnc and just reading y story, but sora was 13(and so was roxas),kairi was 13 and riku was 14; now sora is 14(so is roxas), kairi is 14 and riku is 15

 

lol school had me busy sorry i abandoned this

Spoiler: CHAPTER FOUR

R O X A S ~ T H E ~ L O S T ~ S T O R Y

Chapter ~ Chapter four: "The new Member."​

The boy gave Vexen a mean look and Said

“What’s gonna happen when I do?!”

-Nothing we simply wish To Gather information.

-And I will tell you all you wish to know- Xemnas Said with a False Smile.

-Okay- he said uneasy, as he walked in to the machine

-Now how will we do t…-

He was interrupted.

-Vexen go Now!

Vexen pushed a button in the computer, and cylinders of light flashed from the machine trough the boy.

He screamed at the top of his voice, so Xemnas made a shield of pentagons to block his voice, after all they did

not want to be discovered. Moments later the boy Fainted, and the shield disappeared.

-Vexen will he be okay?

-Yes, gathering specimen information of Nobody is very tiring considering we don't exist *laugh*, we are lucky he is who he is, or else he would have been obliterated.

Don't worry he will awaken soon, and the replica?

-Make her look like the girl for all I care...

Just make sure she can Use the keyblade.

-Xemnas, in all reality she is Really HIS Replica, so that is already taken care of, I will put her into existence later; but for now let us worry about the boy, after-all he is the organization's best chance.

After a few minutes The boy woke up and Stood, he saw flashing images of the boy in red, with some girl, in his head.

-AHHH! what did you do to me?!?

-Now, Now don't be Mad, I am a man of my word, Come with me and I will tell you all you need- he said opening a portal.

-Vexen, we are done, Pack up and RTC- (Return to the castle)

-Yes, sir.-

-For the proper Explanation I need to show you something-

-Now come with me-

They both walked trough the portal and the boy was Overwhelmed with what he saw.​

kk new chapter soon, thanks guys

 

Nice chapter. It's interesting how you replaced quotation marks with dashes, but the second line uses quotes. Also, you should state the speaker. It makes the story difficult to read if the reader doesn't know who's talking.

Can't wait to read more.

 

thank you, making more soon