First of all, idk if this really has any meaning, but it was necessary for me to write this, and you might enjoy reading this. It is all true. This is almost like a vent, but I'd like to share it. “What could have been.” “Longing.” “If only.” “Regret.” “Remorse.” These are all thoughts going through my head. I’m sick to my stomach, even if it has been two years. Two years, can you believe it? Two fucking years, and I still get sick to my stomach. I’m pathetic. I guess I should start by introducing myself. My name is Petter. This is my real name, not a persona or some mumbo-jumbo bullshit. This is my story, and I am the narrator. My name will be the only real name used. Back to the story we go. Two years ago I had a good life. Relatively. I had a girlfriend living overseas. I am Norwegian, and lived, naturally in Norway at the time. You might wonder how it happened, and before you jump to conclusions, it wasn’t an online relationship. She was an exchange student for a year, one thing lead to another and I had a girlfriend. If my memory serves me right, it was early January. I believe the 3rd or something like that. That date is not really of importance, all that matters is that we had a relationship filled with passion, love, bumps, and eventually, lovemaking. Love. We loved each other. We still love each other. Only… not like that. I consider her my best friend. Sounds somewhat pathetic, doesn’t it? “Yeah, my best friend is my ex-girlfriend whom I am still in love with.” As I just said, I am still in love with her. I think. It might only be an obsession, but I guess there is no way of knowing that. I love her till death, you know? But I want to die with her. I want to die before her, but I want to know that my love is not the one way street it seems to be now. Thing is, I really want her to be happy. I love her, and because I love her, I want nothing but happiness to come to her. I don’t want her to shed a single tear, unless it’s from laughing. She means the world to me. I am 20 years old. I’m born and raised Norwegian, lived 19 years in the same little town. When I was 17, I met her. Let’s call her Casey. In my tiny town, I met an American exchange student whom would change my life. When I was 13 I had my life planned out. I was going to get a master’s degree at the local university in Computer Science, live at home until I had received my degree, move out and live out a life with children and a wife. This plan met a challenge at 17. A detour, if you may. I met this American girl and we fell in love. Before she left for the US, we spent a weekend together in Oslo, the capitol of Norway. It was an amazing weekend where we just hung out, made love, ate some food, watched some TV and made love. Then the weekend ended. After going through security, our road’s split. She headed to the right towards international flights, and I headed left to local flights. Have you ever looked into the tear-filled eyes of someone you love and cherish, as you know you won’t be able to see this certain someone in at least 5 months? I hope for your sake you haven’t. It’s the worst feeling I can recall. It was even greater when I went to visit Casey in November the same year. I had spent two amazing weeks with her and I had to go back. I walked through security, it seemed as an infinite stream of tears fell down my face. Thank heavens that I had my sunglasses that I wore after I got through security. I felt like an idiot where I stood. 18 years old, a man for God’s sake, crying like a child who has lost his mother. It was during this trip I decided; I was going to move to the US because I loved Casey. I realize now, that it is not unmanly to cry. It’s not unmanly to love. I realized that the reason the tears refused to stop flowing was simple, yet so inexplicably complex at the same time. It was love. I had never felt love as strong, and I have not felt love as strong since.¨ It’s now January of 2010. I went on a ski-trip with some of my friends. Both guys and girls. I noticed a girl who happened to be interested in me. We got to talking and I quite enjoyed talking to her. However, I did have a girlfriend so I didn’t do anything. I loved Casey too much. Eventually though, this new girl, whom I’ll call Emily, started hanging out with me more and more. I realized that something was going to happen, so I went into a few months of thinking. I got distant from Casey, as I was insecure of what to do. Then I received a call from Casey. After a bit of small talk, I heard the words that still tear me up to this day. “Petter, I don’t want to be in a relationship where you are like you are now.” I can’t believe what I answered. “Yeah, I know.” I didn’t want to hurt her, and I didn’t want to cheat on her. (I’d like to point out that I am actually fighting tears as I’m writing this.) After a bit of back and forth, we hung up. She was more shook up than I was. More than I appeared to be. I’m quite good at hiding my emotions. I don’t really know why I do it, but fuck it for now. Now that Casey and I had broken up, there was nothing keeping me from being with Emily. So after a while, I was shook up and broken for a bit, I got together with Emily. I guess you can say she got me on the rebound, because I sure as hell needed someone. After a while, however, she decided that we shouldn’t keep on what we did. Why? Because I was going to move to the US for College. Ironic, isn’t it? I gave up my American girlfriend for nothing. I gave the love of my life (at least thus far) because I found a girl interesting and didn’t want to cheat on my girlfriend. That. Is. Pathetic. I decided to come clean. I don’t know what I stupidly attempted to do, but I sent Casey an e-mail explaining it all. I think I wished for her to understand. She didn’t. Remorse. After we both moved a bit on, we started talking again. On a regular basis, even. I didn’t get to see her physically though, until April 17th, 2011. A friend of mine and I went to the US and spent 6 days in NYC and some days at my current University, the University of North Dakota. Anyhow, while still in NYC, my friend and I took a bus for 5 hours up till Boston to meet her and be with her for 7 hours, then take the 5 hour bus trip back the same day. She was as amazing as ever. I was almost 20 then, and I had matured a lot, so it was not as difficult to say goodbye this time. Also, I knew I was going to the US soon anyway. My mind was set on the US, regardless of Casey. Now let’s go to about where I am now. Today is the 30th of August. A week ago, Casey told me her love life was going well. She asked me how mine was first of course. My love life is non-existing as of right now. I don’t really want anyone. I need someone, I need Casey. It’s not a matter of want. I want her to be happy, but I need her. Today I learned the name of the one who has the honor of calling her his girlfriend. It made me sick. My muscles tensed. I should be the one with the honor of calling her my girlfriend. In some years I should have the honor of calling her my wife. But I guess life never really turns out the way you want it to. My obsession with Casey is not her problem. It’s mine. I’ll have to work my way through it, no matter how many tears it will take. I want her to know that I love her. I want her to know I want her to be happy. I don’t want her to shed a single tear, unless it’s from laughing. I want her to know she changed my life. She changed my life in a manner no one else ever could have. With you, Casey, I grew. I changed. I matured. I decided. I cried. I laughed. I tried. I failed. I succeeded. More than anything I loved. I still love. I will always have room for you. I will always love you. I don’t really know what I want to do with this. I think all I want to say to you is this; Thank you for changing my life to the better. I will forever be grateful, and if you ever find out that you still love me the way you used to, please do not hesitate to see me. I will be there.
This was written very well. I've always enjoyed reading stories that relate to the writer. What I like about this is that you didn't just give brief details, you actually went in-depth in pretty much every paragraph. So if this is true, is everything going all right in your life?
Oh Noroz.... * hugs* This is such a good story-and even more it's not really a story- It's about your life. It brought tears to my eyes. Noroz if you ever need someone to talk to I am here if you do.
Amaury - Thank you, and Yes. The story is true. I'm alright though. KH530 - I'm glad. Writing is my therapy though :)
I must concur with Amaury in that stories written true to the author's heart are perhaps one of the greatest expressions in themselves, and I must say, sir, I have been horribly touched by this tale. A literary perspective, in this context, is interchangeable with the personal human perspective - as such, I must say that the development through the years had been well written but very saddening indeed - I am sorry, sir - though, it is good to note that you understand such factors and specifics of the dilemma yourself, and you indeed hold the power to continue forward with your life. I need not inform you to stay strong because you already are quite strong to hold steadfast through this, sir. It is indeed good to vent, for the sake of the self, especially in this creative form. I wish you the best of luck with your life, sir, and as Heart stated, we are present if you wish to verbalize your tales as well.
I agree with Heart; this more of a memoir, if anything. On that note, I really admire the way you were able to capture your own personal growth down on paper. I always considered that to be pretty difficult to do, especially considering the endless amount of possibilities in the day-to-day experience. However, yu were able to show this growth from being this innocent "unmanly" lover to heartbroken, and then to who you are today. And you also really hit on the gravity that some of our mistakes hold, but instead of letting it keep you down, you should learn from those mistakes and continue forward. This is sad to read, but it's also an inspiration to go out and do what you want/need to do - even if it means that you can't necessarily have someone along the way with you in the way that you would want. Beautiful job, Noroz. c:
Thank you What, I'll keep it in mind. Ploo, thank you very much. Im glad it gives an emotional response, because that means I've written it the way I want it to be. Thank you all for the comments, I highly appreciate it.
Naww Petter m'dear... Is it bad my eyes welled up reading this? But really,not only is it written really well...but as I know its true,that does just kind of reflect on the emotianal aspect of the story,and I must say the effect this has on the reader is very powerful. And even if you dont count them as real hugs,you are getting yet another *hug* from me. But really,capturing your feelings and thoughts in words is never an easy feat,and you have managed it perfectly. And you already know that we are always here to listen,even if you just need to rant. Great work my dear,and I am sorry for what has happened but shall keep hoping things will work out for you in the end.
Haha, thank you Danu. I appreciate the hug. If any of you are interested in hearing me narrate the story, I have it here
