In a perfect world, relationships would be simple: Two people like each other romantically, and hang out and do relationship-y stuff. However, its never quite that simple. Things seem to go pretty well for a little while, though. You try your best to be the best significant other you can be, while respecting your partner's personal space and trying not to pester them, and they seem to try to do the same -- the "honeymoon phase" as some would call it. And yet, somewhere down the line, they become dissatisfied, distant, and start taking you for granted. They no longer text you first, they text you back less often, they no longer try as hard to keep a conversation going, become less available to spend time with you etc. But, wait a minute, how could this be? You tried your hardest to be a good significant other, how could this happen? Well, naturally, if you've tried hard to be a good partner, then it's most likely not your fault. Perhaps the other person is going through something personal and is naturally just not as into the relationship as prior. Perhaps they've grown annoyed/bored/angry at/with you, for whatever reason. Perhaps you're not satisfying them sensually. Perhaps they've found someone else. Perhaps they've changed their mind about you. What is unfortunate is that during this transition period to the inevitable breakup is that they most likely won't communicate this increasing discontentment with you. Perhaps if the other partner communicated their discontentment, perhaps you two could work things out. However, they'd most likely just exhibit sketchy behavior, make up excuses for it and plan to break up when it's most convenient. And yet...none of it. Is. Your fault. Is it fair? Nah. Will things like these keep happening? Probably. Is it worth it to keep trying to find "the one"? Maybe. Is there a "the one" for everyone? Maybe. Will you end up settling? Most likely. Is it wrong to want to give up on relationships after realizing that no matter how hard you try with someone, they may just end up changing their mind, completely unrelated to you? Absolutely not. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Yeah I was just in the scenario you described to the letter, and yes I think I have given up on relationships.
Oh, hell yeah. Sucks even more when something is wrong with you that you can't change--it's a part of you--and you know deep down that's the reason. They say its something else to protect you, but you know the truth. But you accept it because you're protecting them. You love them, so you want them to be happy forever, not only happy fo the short term that you're alive.
ow. this threads making me feel with all the relevance to me. i dont want to feel right now. i'm not one to point out grammar mistakes because that's dumb, but i would be remiss to not point this out because i think it's funny. you mean that something is "a part" of you, an inherent quality. "apart" from you means literally the exact opposite. lol
thanks. was typing on my phone, so that's probably why some of the grammar sucks. Plus, the post was very...impulsive...
been there. yeah i had like four different things i was going to say before i actually said something. this op is toooo close to home.
I don't think this is necessarily true. Or, well, it is maybe true, but I feel it's a bit misrepresented here. Some people might need time to sort out their thoughts and decide what they want to do. As you said, oftentimes this situation can be caused by something on their end rather than yours (like some kind of personal problem), which some hope they may be able to resolve and therefore continue the relationship. Other times you just need time to figure out why you're no longer happy with the other person, whether it's something you can work out or if it's just incompatibility. Sometimes it takes time just to find the words. It's definitely frustrating for the other person to put up with this and I'm not saying it's right or fair or anything like that... but it's something I definitely do so I feel the need to defend it heh. Signed, an indecisive person
Yeah, but you have to imagine what that feels like on the receiving end of it. Everything is going well to your knowledge, and then your S.O. suddenly stops showing as much interest as they showed before and with no explanation -- you can't help but feel hurt and hopeless. Because things have obviously changed, you wanna fix it, but the other person denies that there is a problem and doesn't let you know what's going on. A lack of communication in situations like these can be very vexing on the receiving end. Spoiler Also, thanks for reading this and responding, guys. I needed to indirectly vent and I feel so much better now holy ****.
worst part is when you earnestly open up and address the situation saying that something seems off and ask if they're going through something and need some time to themselves or whatever it is and they say they're fine with that bs smile on their face and continue to be reserved. it's like, you're lying through your teeth and i know it. somethings up and if you don't want to tell me, fine, don't tell me what it is (kinda upset that you can't open up to me but w/e), but for the love of god tell someone and work through it. and if it's that you don't want a relationship i would almost prefer you to just straight up tell me rather than dragging me through the mud night after night wondering if/what's wrong. i don't expect you to maintain that heightened excitement like when the relationship started (in fact, we learned about this in a class earlier in the semester) but when you're saying practically nothing to me you can't expect me to not be curious if i care about you. just what the **** people, what kinda bs am i expected to go through in relationship. fuuuuck that. this is why i kinda.. gave up.. and haven't tried to have one in a long while.
Oh yeah, like I said it definitely isn't a fair thing to do, I just felt I should explain the other side of it. When people confront me thinking there's a problem my first reaction is, often, to lie and say it's nothing. Part of it is just the environment, the atmosphere. Opening up is difficult for those who are more reserved, so if they're going to do it, they want it to be on their own terms. In those situations I often prefer to write my feelings and thoughts, it's frightening and difficult for me to vocalize them. Which I suppose it is for everyone, but maybe some more than others. I believe deeply in honestly and I don't like that I do this, but I also know it's a deficiency of mine and try to work against it. Some people just need time to come around and need to be allowed to not only have that time, but express themselves in whatever way is most comfortable for themselves. I'm not excusing being dishonest or stringing someone along though, at a certain point it does become a crap thing to do. And it's different amongst people. I don't think I'm awful person (most days at least heh), what I need most out of people is patience while I sort out my head and try to make decisions. And that's rough to deal with and I know it's a ****** thing to do, and I try to work against that tendency of mine. Other people intentionally hurt others and I'll never really understand why. I guess the problem is deciphering when someone is just ****ing with you and when they're facing some kind of personal tendency or deficiency. Even if it is the latter, though, I understand it's difficult to have patience for those who do nothing to try and mitigate it.
See, I'm a very private person. I very rarely truly open up to anyone. But my thought is that, when it comes to relationships, if there's anyone you can open up to, it should be that person. Otherwise, what's the point of an emotionally-driven relationship? There are exceptions like if it's about that person or the relationship with the person, in which case, find someone else if you need to. Though even still, perhaps the best way to approach this is to directly confront the person. Most people have ~that~ friend that they can go to for most anything, but if you don't at least tell the person you're in a relationship with, "look, I need some time to think" so at least the person knows that something is in fact going on, rather than remaining distant and cryptic, the person may/will act on the assumption that something's wrong, and often times this only makes matters worse because the person will overcompensate for the gap in communication. I know this because I've been that person. I know people have their own individual ways for handling problems and sorting out emotions, and if yours is the way of handling it yourself, fine (hell, that's my way), but if you're in a relationship you need to somehow communicate to that person that you need that time alone. I think most people are willing to give the person the time they need to get their stuff together, the problem is that often times the person going through something won't even tell the other person, causing them to become panicky and make the situation worse.
Well, I can relate to this in more ways than one. Firstly, I was on the recieving end of this for 8 months with a man who was very reserved and didn't tell me much about his feelings which caused my anxiety to grow to such drastic extents that I just couldn't handle it, I kept fainting from stress and I became depressed and severely attached to him because I had to make him want me. It was even to the point that I was in denial about something wrong in the relationship when in fact the whole relationship was wrong, everything just didn't work and only now can I see that. However, I can also currently relate to this but on the other end. I'm not talking to him less per se (it's a long distance relationship, we text each other all the time) but my job and his lectures cause us to never really be free at the same times in the day causing us to talk less. I am very weary though of meeting up with him simply for the fact that I am not sexually attracted to him, I don't want to kiss him or do anything like that with him but I enjoy spending time with him when it's not about that stuff. I was opposed to having a long distance relationship for so long as I wanted to wait until uni but I decided to give it a shot because I did fancy him and he is basically my ideal guy (we like the same things, we get along very well and he is just so lovely and understanding) so I don't understand why I don't have any sexual thoughts about him. This is the dilemma that I am facing and don't know how to go about it because you always get those posts on facebook like "find someone who treats you like a queen" blah blah blah and I am like I HAVE THAT BUT WHY DO I NOT APPRECIATE IT? D: I don't know if he senses anything is up but I feel like I am dragging him through the mud and I don't want to but I don't know what to do in this situation. I think it's unfair yes but right now I am stuck.
I'm a hopeless romantic. I believe in true love, for some reason. I personally could never bring myself to end a relationship with someone I truly care about. I'd also never let things get that far gone. I don't understand how people can cheat on one another. I'm not interested in most women though and the one's I am interested in are part of such a small majority that I suppose it'd be highly unlikely I'd find two alike in the same general area. I still don't think I could cheat on someone even given the chance. I don't see a need. Meh, digressing and whatnot. I've seen enough relationships in my life I understand what you're talking about. Not sure how I still believe in true love but ... meh. -Snow Queen
Perhaps it was because she grew jealous of the sexy ma- *shot* Okay, real talk: This happens. A LOT. It's usually because new things and big changes like that are all just exciting at first and then it becomes a part of your life. During that phase, people generally try to figure out if this new limb of life is something they want to keep. Forever's a long time, yo. I know I got comfy with my current significant other so I never bother checking texts as often, I never respond to them first, heck I even flirt with other people first. That kind of comfort is awesome because you know, no matter what, at the end of the day they'll be there waiting and they know the same about you. It allows you both to be yourselves, just together. So yes, people will always get distant after being stuck up the other's bum (MAYBE LITERALLY IF YA'LL'RE LUCKY! godwhatasexistprick beingsexualisdifferentthanbeingsexistyouprick) for a lengthy amount of time. It happens. What comes after that is the best part though! It's when things are real, it's when you see if you placed your bets in the proper spots, it's when you battle doubts, it's when you self-analyze, it's when you help each other grow, it's when you see if you can make realistic plans for the future. There's so much more than the cuddling "I love you" junk that doesn't even matter at all n the grand scheme that is your lives. If some girl left me to get more of that crap while I took my time to find something real, trust me, I'd laugh and pity her from living a facade cycle.
This is a little off topic & I'll be making a post about it later, but I just wanted to say you don't have to feel like you don't appreciate him just because you don't have any real sexual attraction towards him. It may come later, or maybe never. If you guys get married and you wanna have babies then that could definitely be cause for concern, but as for now I don't think you should worry too much about it. The nature of each of our relationships in life is weirdly unique. Just because you don't wanna kiss him doesn't invalidate your overall feelings for him. It may be a little difficult to explain when the topic does ever come up, but if he really cares for you, he'll just be content/be willing to grow content enough with spending time with you . I'm sure it shouldn't be a roadblock in any sort of way as of the moment. Feelings change, and you may grow to be sexually attracted, or you may not. And that's okay. Important thing is to communicate how you're feeling when ready and see where it goes from there.
