Hellow, i did a latest poem and i have gotten some critism, some good, some... not so good. SO! I have decided to redo it, i have decided to keep some of the parts you guys enjoyed and put in a few newer ones. The things i write about is stuff that happens to most people, including me, so i really hope it relates! Ok here it goes again! Hidden Love I really do Love you, I know you dont really care I know you wish i would just leave And you pray I just wasn't there Or atleast that is what i think But what do I really know? I wish i was a mind-reader, To see if you love me so... We had grown up together, We've known each other for years I know what you could say to me My eyes would swell up with tears My love for you must stay hidden, Behind the barred cage of my heart Our friendship is just too important My feelings can't be smart I want to tell you how i feel But what if you dont feel the same This deciscion bouncing back and forth Its just like some child's game So I just let go of all I feel, My once raised heart begins to sink, I want to let you know my love for you I guess I'm just afraid of what you think..... Tell me what you think!! Do you think I should submitt it to the poem contest? I might make some more, but it depends on what you guys think! TELL ME, and remember i am a new at the Poem writing.....
To be honest, I actually enjoyed the original version more than this one. The good thing is that you tidied up the look of the poem by fixing capitalization errors and adding missing apostrophes, (although you've missed a couple of spots) but on the downside, the first two parts don't flow as well as the rest of the poem so you might try bending the words around a little. Other than that, it's fine although this didn't connect to me as strongly emotionally because the original was closer to my own situation (since I'm actually lucky enough to know she at least cares. <3), but that opinion is based entirely on personal matters so don't mind that as long as you yourself are happy with the additions. I was just amazed how the original gave me that You-took-the-words-right-out-of-my-mouth feeling. Great poem - I hope to see more from you because you've got talent; just pay a bit more attention to the capitalization and apostrophes to make your poems look neater. Keep at it - I truly admire how well you can express your emotions in a poem.
Hmm I have been told that the original version was better too, do you think I should try to put it into the poem contest?
Lol..... I iwll use my first one, umm what do you think if i take this stanza and add it into the first poem? We had grown up together, We've known each other for years I know what you could say to me My eyes would swell up with tears
It's your choice. The poem is just fine without any additions, but it'll be just as good with that added to it and it does and a bit more context to the text. If you like it, I say go for it! The important thing to remember with poems is that as long as you like it, it's all that matters. No one else has the right to tell you what you should or shouldn't put in the poem. After all, it's your feelings you're expressing with the text, not anyone else's.
