Taken me a while to write, it has gone through so many phases of editing and re-writing and I am still not happy with it, so maybe you guys can help me out a little. Practicing working with dialogue since it is one of the many things I suck at getting right. Comments are loved, advice is loved even more <3 knock yourselves out Spoiler Pancakes For Breakfast The sound of birds singing happily amongst the trees outside filtered into Lara’s room waking her from her sleep. She blinked in the already bright sunshine that made its way through the gaps in her blinds and glanced at her clock. It was 9:00 am but it felt much later. She stretched with an almost catlike grace between cotton sheets, smiling as she remembered the vague images from her dreams. She couldn’t remember the exact details but she could remember the happiness that they had brought to her and the feeling had carried on over as she awoke. Nothing would spoil her mood today. After lazing around for a short while she decided it would be a good idea to get up and get dressed; it would soon be time for the show and there was no way she was going to miss it now, especially after all the work she had put in. She dressed comfortably in faded jeans and a pale brown sweater before combing her hair and opening the blinds. Sunlight flooded the bedroom filling the air with bright cheerful warmth as she made her bed neatly and left the room singing along to a happy little tune that played from a radio somewhere outside. She skipped down the stairs lightly pausing only to pet her cat as it soaked lazily in a ray of sunlight coming through a window. She walked into the kitchen and tweaked a flower that had drooped from the vase before flicking the kettle on and fetching a grapefruit for breakfast. She paused with the knife held over the fruit trying to decide if she would just have the one half today or both before she decided that today was a day for pancakes. Pancakes drenched in sugar and syrup and fruit and cream, the more the better, screw the diet; today was special. Several minutes later with her plate piled high and a steaming cup of tea she sat down in the living room. After a brief game of let’s-see-where-the-remote-is-this-time, she switched on the TV and flicked through the channels until she found the one she wanted. She curled up on the sofa and took a bite out of the pancakes singing along to the jingle of the show just starting. The screen went black before lighting up to reveal an attractive woman in a smart suit sat on a raised stage in front of an audience, she held a microphone in one hand and was trying to get the attention of the chattering audience. When they had finally settled down she smiled a perfect smile and began to talk, “Hello and welcome to today’s show, today we are joined by up and coming author Lara Jones, who will be discussing her latest book Anomaly with us as well as a special live performance by the newest band on the block Funky Spidermonkey, but first lets see what’s got you all talking this week†the woman sat down at a desk and began to go through a pile of letters that had been sent in. Lara ate her way through her breakfast as the woman on the screen circulated around the audience collecting different comments and ideas on the issues raised, she didn’t particularly care for this part of the show but it was easier to sit through than risk missing her part. Excitement bubbled in her stomach as it went to commercial break - her part was coming next. She quickly ran her plate into the kitchen and rinsed it under the tap before running back into the living room and diving back onto the sofa. Just in time she wrapped her arms around a cushion and sat waiting eagerly like a small child waiting for a birthday present. She turned her full attention to the screen. ~~~ The lights came back on as the audience applauded and the presenter was now joined on stage by a young woman. She was pretty in an unremarkable way with a bright smile that she couldn’t seem to hide, and from the way she fidgeted in the guest chair she was clearly nervous. The presenter smiled at her encouragingly and she smiled back, this was her time, her chance to get her work out there finally. The presenter began, “So Lara, you’re here today to discuss your latest book Anomaly with us, its expected to hit the bestseller lists here in the UK when it goes on sale, why not tell us a bit about it,†“Well its basically about a young woman who commits suicide, understandably it shocks her family and friends, even more so since to the outside world she had the perfect life; successful, pretty, intelligent, nobody can understand why she would do such a thing, throughout the course of the book the people who were close to her begin to discover that they really don’t know her at all; she was just hidden behind a very carefully painted mask†“So it is a book about death?†“Only with regards to the fact that it starts with a death, but mostly it is a book about perspectives that just because we see something in one way doesn’t necessarily mean that it is so. Lucy to the outside world is happy, bright, and positive, the last person you would expect to go through with the act of suicide, but away from the outside world she is a completely different person. In her mind she has no place where she belongs, nowhere that she fits in and no reason to exist, in short she feels as though she is an anomaly of the human race†“Ah I see†the woman shifted in her seat and looked at Lara, she seemed to hesitate before she began her next question, “The book deals with some quite serious issues, obviously the suicide, but also the events which lead up to it that are revealed throughout, what we want to know is, where did you get your inspiration for Lucy’s story?†Lara smiled as though she was used to the question being asked but she answered seriously, “If you read any magazine on the shelf you will find a dozen or more stories of the heartache and chaos that people go through on a daily basis, I think we can all relate to the isolation that Lucy feels, I can empathise with the things she goes through, but does that mean my past is a reflection of the one I wrote for her? Of course not, the issues raised in the book are issues that I think the public needs to face and work towards helping, so often cries for help are ignored, sometimes, as in the case of Lucy, a cry for help can’t even be made through fear of the reaction from society†“So would you say that is the message of your work? To encourage society to listen and help more?†“I would say that the message is different to every reader, I didn’t write with the intent to preach, rather I felt that Lucy’s story is a story of many people that needed to be told†“What do you hope to gain from the book being published, if there was one thing that you would want the public to take from it, I know you didn’t write with a specific message, but if you could have them take one thing?†“Hopefully the courage to be able to talk to their friends and family, to know that they don’t have to suffer and hold everything in. Lucy’s story is a mosaic of life stories and experiences all woven together in this dark world she creates for herself, but Lucy’s story doesn’t have to be your story†“Powerful words, I wish you success and shall be pre-ordering my copy†“Let me know when it arrives-I’ll sign it for you†Lara flashed a smile at the presenter, she felt confident, proud even, and the adrenalin of the interview had made her feel alive and she glowed with it. The two women embraced before Lara left the stage to applause. ~~~ The screen went black as Lara switched the TV off; she had seen what she had wanted to see. Hugging the cushion to her stomach she sighed happily remembering how good it had felt to feel alive, she had hoped that seeing the interview would reawaken that adrenalin but it hadn’t. It had only made her remember that her happiness was always short lived. She had tried so hard to fix the things in her life that were broken, tried so hard to talk, but she couldn’t. It was true that her life wasn’t a reflection of the character in her book; the character in her book was only the tiniest window into Lara’s life. In reality it was all so much more than she could ever put into words. Outside the sun continued to shine with confidence, it never had to worry about not being enough for the people of the world, it just was what it was. She was tired of never being enough, she wasn’t even strong enough to escape the fate of a fictional character in a story she had written in the space of two weeks. Weak, so incredibly weak, it was all she had ever been, all she ever would be, and as certainty caught hold of her mind she couldn’t help but laugh at the irony, so much for hope, the book hadn’t been the wake up call for people she had wished it would be. Her final cry for help. Yet somehow she feels calm, she feels content, today is still a special day and as she reaches into the drawer of the table and feels the comforting weight of metal she smiles. The click sounding loud and reassuring in the otherwise silent house, she stares down the barrel of her salvation and sees only freedom. She pulls the trigger.
I prepare to make my resurgence into the CC and the first work I get to crit is yours Kay. Fitting. I"m a bit rusty when it involves c&c so let's start with my impressions. The ability to manipulate a characters feelings into a premeditated state of calm in the beginning and then later transitioning to the suicidal element is a strong suit of yours. Whether it be this story, or any of the other stories you have shown me that are of the more seriousness of reality, you have this troupe down. The opening I will admit left like a report. Some sentences stretched while that could be a means of portraying the normalcy of an everyday occurance of breakfast preperations, i felt that it didn't necessarily match the mood of the rest of the work. Using dual sensory angles, watching the broadcast and participating in the broadcast, are strong ways to not only learn about a character, but also to hear their own voice instead of a mind's eye or narrative version. The conversation feel was believable to me and if you are wanting practice when it comes to dialogue, this is a good means to do that. Again, I like this piece for the depth of the subject and the importance of communication it envokes, quite poetic actually.
Welcome back <3 Thanking you very much ;B Yeah, the start I found really hard to write to be honest. It is completely different to how I originally wrote it because every time I looked at it all I could see was TOO MUCH DETAIL TOO MUCH IMAGERY TOO MUCH I admit I am really struggling to reign in on that, but I got told that I need to, only I think the downside is that I'm stripping emotion out of it. The start to me felt horribly void of anything because I was focusing too much on cutting it down. Thanks, it is something I have wanted to try for a while but I wasn't quite sure if I could pull it off, but I thought this was the perfect chance since I wanted to practice dialogue. I'm glad it didn't bomb too bad. ^^ thanks much
Most of your works are so dark, so passionate. It's not strange to see a moment of happiness being turned 360 into a darker and deadlier piece. I really think like Destined in regard to the fact that you've got this down. Yet, I found some sentences somewhat choppy. It felt somewhat forced at the beginning, and it felt a bit off. I'm guessing this was you cutting some things. It's nice to practice different things, and after a while you'll get better at it. Just remember that your writing reflects you. I've always thought that, because they are very strong works, yet beautiful all the same. I've always loved that about your writing. Not as amazing as other works, but still in the same vein, and you got the dialogue down very nicely.
Yeah I think I am starting to be a cliche, I really should work on that xD; thanks though <3 Exactly so, as I said in reply to Destined, I massively, massively cut it down. Like I said on MSN, I have this really big paranoia now about detail and **** after the last thing I uploaded. I feel like I've lost the fun in it now. It is very frustrating xD it is like I lost the freedom in writing and I feel majorly constrained with it now. Maybe it actually is time to just find a new thing. Thanks <3 I'm glad, since it is normally one of my bigger flaws ;B Thanks for the advice~
I am glad to see you posting here again, it is always a pleasure to CnC your work. <3 Contrary to your paranoia, I thoroughly enjoyed the detail of the first section. Such positive and delicious vocabulary was lovely to read, as it was such a change from the things I usually read from you. The only thing that struck me as odd was the lack of punctuation; I felt that in the first half some of the sentences could have been broken up with commas to improve the reading flow. Watching the tv show, as Shades said, was a convenient way of learning about Lara. It reminded me of previous stories where you've included flashbacks and I like that about your work. I rather stupidly scrolled down and my eyes flickered to the last sentence >< the ending was ruined for me, but it was perfectly executed all the same (no pun intended xD). I really admired your personification of the sun.
Back to your usual more than slightly depressing antics I see. I fell into the same hole as Cariad and read the last line first. Kinda disrupted flow for me towards the end when I began to see exactly what was happening. Either way, you've got a knack for evocation of emotion and transition from one tone to another. Probably best exemplified in a piece such as this. Nothing new to add that the three gracious commenters above me haven't gone over in terms of the flawed and the unflawed. So I'll cut it off here and let you go. Nice work.
