Uhm, don't ask because I haven't got a clue, but this is something that came pretty much out of nowhere, its just a start and I would like some feedback before I go any further. There are some things I really don't like about it, I'm curious if you will think the same. Sooooooo cnc please. Be as brutal as you like, as long as you can give advice on how to improve <3 p.s I know its very short ~~~ She didn’t know how long she had sat there, minutes? Hours? Days, even? All she knew was that each ticking of the clock sounded loudly, echoing through the room,Tick…tick…tick…how long had it been? She stood, walking over to a tall window, tick…tick…tick… it would be winter soon, already the leaves were starting to fade, the dull colours curled, withered and crisp. Her breath clouded and misted the glass as she looked onto the grounds below tick…tick…tick… how long must she keep waiting here? She left her place at the window and returned once more to her seat, leaving a small heart collecting condensation on the glass. Tick…tick…tick… It hadn’t always been like this, time wasted playing the waiting game, she remembered a time when she lived instead of this hollow existence she now struggled with day in and day out. A soft sigh escaped her mouth, the sound breaking the silence of the room, her mind raced, how much longer must be kept trapped in this place? Unable to sit still the girl paced the room, footsteps muffled, like everything else. The ticking continued over it all, each tick seeming to get louder, though she knew it didn't. Eventually, after what seemed like an eternity, she heard a low rumbling from outside the window, rushing to the glass she looked down below and saw the horses coming through the main gates. They're home she thought to herself, excitement flickered briefly and she smiled, maybe now she could leave. The horses didn't slow as they approached the building, the man at the reins didn't call for them to slow and he made no attempt to stop. Horses and man vanished into an unfurling mist that was starting to cover the grounds, dragging a carriage behind them. She bit her lip and blinked back tears. It had just been another apparition. How much longer were they going to keep her here, dragging her hopes up before crashing them down to earth. She sat on the floor and hugged her knees to her chest, Tick…tick…tick… ~~~
I love how descirptive you were CtR. The whole room and silence kept me going wanting to see "What's gonna happen?" This is certainly book worthy too, But you could make were she thought "They're home" with Quotation marks xD Just for Dialoug though. Overall I love this and can't wait to read more. 10/10
Thanks <3 I was going to, but then it isn't meant to be spoken, its a thought. Typically speaking thoughts aren't put into quotation marks. Though I could be wrong. ^^ thanks.
I actually take it as Dialoug still because it's still words from the character but I'm not in charge of your fanfic xD You're welcome.
I like it, detailed, except for this part: I think a comma should have been placed between one spot in that sentence...if I'm mistaken, then it's a good dialog. 10/10. And I got a title for this, how about "Wander Of The Mist"?
So if I put it here: Also, am I overloading on commars? Reading it through there are a LOT of commars e_e
Exactly too many commas. CTR this can't be...*goes to emo corner* you're a better writer than me!? Definately good. I never knew you could write like this. There really isn't much I can really pick about it, its all good.
Thankies <3 Damn the commars to hell, I'll try to think of some other way to get it across. I don't want to go the opposite way and overload on connectives. Rawr. Hun, you're an amazing writer, don't insult yourself. Spam be gone :D
Man, that's not fair, you can delete...and yet, it looks as though I've not lost a thing. xD Well, I have yet to see what happens next in the chapter to come.
As I told you before, I loved the beginning and middle, but now that i've seen this in its entirety, it makes a well crafted, story of longing and being unable to achieve a resolution for the girls suffering. There were a few sentences that sounded slightly odd, but I was able to look past that given the context of the story. I will say however, that a few sentences are overloaded with commas and can easily be seperated with periods instead. You know that i want to read more of your works x3
<3 =P dude I know right, I still cannot fix that bit about the damn clock >.< I already have the next lot written up, I'm just proofing it before I post it. I'm going to have to work on fixing my addiction to commars.
