Thankyou, Destiny Star for giving critisism on my last poem, anyone else, i am open and won't get hurt by your thoughts! I'm trying to improve my writing. Here we go: Prologue The Stone Collector The world is in peril. Thousands of devastating disasters had occurred since the returning of the stone collector. Legend has it; five girls are chosen and born all over the world. The Stone collector wants these girls, takes them for their power and becomes more powerful so he can destroy the world again. The same cycle every 50 years. As there are 5 girls chosen, there is also a new Stone Collector chosen after 50 years. Enough of this rambling on, the five girls chosen now were Amethyst, Amber, Ruby, Aqua (short for Aquamarine), and Pearl. The five girls (or stones, whatever you want to call them) have the power to stop the Stone Collector. But they have to be altogether at the same place and time. Sounds like a bad idea? post your thoughts!
hmm... very interesting... you're welcome for the critisicm... I understand that you want something more than "Good job!" since you're trying to improve... I'm trying to improve my writing, as well... :3 well, the idea is wonderful, but there are a few errors I found in this piece of writing. First of all, "The same cycle every 50 years" is not a complete sentence. I would also like to suggest not using numbers in your writing. try spelling out the words instead. Also, using parentheses in your writing makes it look king of sloppy. if you want to add adittional information, add it on to a sentence or write a whole new sentence. Other than that, I found that this idea is very well thought out and I would like to see more about it ^^ Awesome work! =D
Wow! first compliment I have ever gotten! Okay, here's chapter 1: ~1~ In the city of Zerphyr, a tornado made by the stolen powers of the Stone collector had occurred. There were only two survivors-Amethyst and her best friend, Jasper. They had found an underground hideout which no one knew of that somehow protected them from the disaster. Now they live in an underground, abandoned city where they sit around, talk and practise their fighting skills. Amethyst was punching an old, torn bag to fight away her anger. Jasper was looking at all of these books that had fallen into the abandoned world. “Amethyst, look at this!†He shouted. He had just found a book that looked ancient. It had some information about the legend of the stone collector and his destructive powers. When Amethyst had a look at it, she saw the pictures of the necklaces the chosen girls wear and that one of them looked exactly like hers. She also read that there are four other girls and in 1450, their names would be: Amethyst Aquamarine Amber Ruby And Pearl Their locations are scattered all over the world. So Jasper, being the nerd that he is, built a boat big enough to sail the world and hold at least 10 people. “You’re one of the legendary stones! You will defeat the Stone Collector and end his catastrophic disasters! You and the other four stones will save the world once and for all!†Jasper was obviously very interested in legends and stuff. Amethyst agreed to go on this adventure. And so the journey begins…
Hmm... Interesting, but I think everything's moving a bit too quickly... try being ALOT more descriptive... say what the characters look like, describe what the setting's like, how they reacted when they found the book... And a chapter should be longer than this, at least 5 long paragraphs or so. But so far it's really good! I want to know what happens to Amethyst and the other girls... heehee :D
I'd have to agree...interesting idea....points for orginality....sounds like you have a story that isn't too close to something else and something you have come up with youself....but as Destiny said....definately be descriptive on the characters.....personality, appearance, backgrounds, abilities, etc......but over all its sounding pretty good....
Oops. sorry about that. Anyway, here's chapter 2: Chapter 2-The Search For Ruby “According to this ancient thing, we have to find the others in order.†Jasper explained as he read the book. “Ok then, who do we start with?†Amethyst asked. “Oh my God, we start with, um, Ruby Pennadale.†Jasper said “The Ruby Pennadale? The one who has a palace on her own island, the princess a whole country was named after? There is no way we are going to Pennadale Palace and convincing Ruby to come with us! No way!†“Well, if you wanna destroy the Stone Collector forever, you have to get all the stones at the same place and time. We need Ruby to come with us.†“Fine.†So they sailed to Pennadale Palace in search for Ruby. It took three days and nights but they eventually got there. Amethyst and Jasper, using their awesome fighting skill, passed through all of the guards until finally reaching the end of the labyrinth, Ruby. Ruby was blonde with a single red streak in her hair. As she was in the northern hemisphere, she wore a red, one sleeved top with a thick, black cardigan on top. In the northern hemisphere, it was Autumn and it was starting to get really cold. Her necklace was a red choker with rubies dangling from it. She looked like a princess but she still looked a bit like Amethyst too. “Uh, we’re looking for a…Ruby Pennadale?†Jasper asked. “Well, who do you think you’re looking at?†Ruby asked. “Um, please excuse my friend, Jasper, your majesty. But according to our book, you are one of the five stones who are destined to defeat the Stone Collector.†Amethyst told Ruby “That mongrel destroyed my country, my people and my parents…†Ruby replied. “I will not rest until that monster is slain before me!†“Great! Come with us! With your great ability, we can destroy the Stone Collector forever and save the rest of your country!†“Then I will go. But if that is our vessel, we might as well just take my arc.†Ruby’s arc was huge! It looked like it could fit over 100 people in it and on the back, with protected rubies, it had ‘The Stone’. Being the very stylish arc that it is, Amethyst and Ruby destroyed the old boat and set off for the next stone.
