my first story

=3
well it's you gotta add detail this time and make the story longer, i hope i die and long painful death, dieing for a long time will make me feel alive.

 

Honestly Emma, this is ridiculously immature of you. Do you enjoy the arguments and flaming that this is bound to lead to when Haseo sees this?

I suggest you edit your post; or as soon as a moderator gets online Ill ask them too.

Im a little disappointed, I thought you had grown up a little- perhaps not, eh?



... and Im not even gonna go into the poor structure and storyline since Im guessing this was just your way of getting at Haseo and not very serious.

Oh, and feel free to kill me in chapter two :'D

 

Just a hint for death scenes: give even the nastiest characters a extremely touching and detailed death, but reserve the worst fait for the nicest, most optimistic and life-filled character, and you'll have everyone in tears. Don't just mention that 'oh yeah, that jerk died while we were fighting'.

I'm not gonna comment on the story or the plot itself, apart from saying that don't piss off too many people and it's better to use original characters that may be based on real life people, it would be too long and I don't wanna provoke unnecessary arguments. Work on your grammar, it's improved since you started here, but it's still a bit hard to read some of your writing (e.g.. stick to the same tense, in the beginning you switched between past and present).

Also, paragraphs. It's a real pain trying to read a big chunk of black and white swirls, and some might not bother reading past the first two sentences. Add descriptions and details, both of the looks of characters, surroundings etc, and of the personalities, else everything will seem shallow.

Think of a real title, you can add the fact that it's your first but that's not enough.
And if you made it this far, congrats for staying awake @_@​

 

i wont die right?

 

Okay, this is getting beyond stupid and is seeping into plain irritating.
Seriously. Grow the **** up. Nobody finds you intimidating, nobody finds you offensive. In fact, we're most likely all laughing at you for your constant spouts of immaturity and idiocy that seems to find its way into every single one of your posts. I personally piss myself at every one I read.
I'm not even going to comment on your story. Because it seems beyond apparent that you did this to get at other members of the forum that YOU alone have a problem with. We have the PM system for a reason. Use it. Seriously.

Oh yeah, de-rep me all you want, by the way. You know my ass is correct.

 

i hate to say it ginta but he is....... right.:}

 

Er, yeah. This. ^

 

of course not.. you're my friend

 

_CLOSED

Ginta, we discussed this. Just move on, and listen to Forgotten Hymn. Be a strong person by just letting it go.
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