Memories that are left Forgoten, Bring Tears.

CHAPTER ONE<333

Kairi stepped out onto the sand and sighed.The echoes filled her soul.
She's not sure anymore, it's just to hard.The voices had her on edge of insanity.She wanted to scream.

'Who is that boy!?'
'He's driving me insane,and I don't even know who he is, or what to do!'
'I can't even think of his name!'

The sand warmed her bare feet as she made the change into the cold ocean water. She wiggled her toes to distract herself;that didn't work.

She was dying for a cold drink; her drying tounge circled her mouth. She didn't remember if he has ever kissed her. She longed for his kiss, she didn't even know why.

"What is that world I held so dear for so..long?" She said to herself; sounded cracked 'cause she it felt like she haven't talked in years.
"Hmmmm..." She was too confused to sort out her problems by herself.

'I have to find this boy..Ehh-the one who came into my thoughts..So briefly.'

She slipped on her shoes and tied them. Looked up at the sky with her matching blue eyes, ran her hands through her red hair and a tear fell.

A TEAR!

Where did that come from?
The memories, that she has forgotten,they were getting to her.

"HOW COULD I FORGET HIM!?" She breathed hard as her blotchy lips pressed together to allow some sort moan to be let out.

The red was infecting her face as the clear water fell from the sea of iris.

Her pupils widened. She closed her eyes and opened them again.

Rubbed her fingers against her forehead and sqeezed the pressure points between her thumb and pointed finger to ease her headache.

A drop of rain touched her open palm.

She was okay now, nobody would be able to tell she had been crying.
The red was disappearing.

She ran back up to town and looked back on the island.

She heard a laugh..A familar laugh.

Aghostly laugh.strange but catchy;like she wanted to join in.
It brought a smile to her face.
'Probably one of the last of the smiles for a while,' then it faded.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Hmm... well.


I know you love your fancy writing with the bold and the underlines and all that jazz ;D
But when you are writing it just looks kinda.. messy.
So if you write again set it out normally, kay?

I liked it, though :3
You wanna be careful about having all actions and not much description though.. 'specially in the last bit it was like "A drop of rain hit her palm.. She was okay now... She ran back up.. She heard a laugh..."

Sorry for being hypocritical :3

I can see you being a very emotional writer <3
Keep going with this (:

 

Please watch your style when writing serious pieces. Remember italics and bold etc are often meant for emphasis, in this case it is creating emphasis where it really shouldn't.

For example "Her pupils widened" the italics there makes it seem so awkward.

Be careful of your tenses, you are mixing past with future.

I'm sorry because this is going to sound very harsh. You have good ideas, but you really need to concentrate on what you are writing and how you write it. In some places it sounds like you have overly tried to make it sound official. For example "
The sand warmed her bare feet as she made the drastic transition into the cold ocean water"
I really don't like "Drastic Transition" it sounds so out of place.


I really am not meaning to sound like a *****. The main things you need to do is keep check on your use of tenses, and avoid using tools such as italics, bold, underlining etc unless it is to add to the piece.

With practice I think you could be really good <3 so please, keep trying ​

 

you know you can be a real baitchh xDD

the 'jazz' is for effect.

it think it adds to the writing.

like writing

HUGE in Huge letters.

and thanks(:

I am very emotional.

I can take critisism but I'm sorry, it's just a site..not an english project and it was for fun.

It's okay though xDD I think it's funny how my sister is cursing you guys out.

 

It might just be a site hun, but if you don't want crit then post that. People post here so they can learn to improve.

Would you rather people were honest and told you the truth? Or would you rather they lied and replied posts like "omguh this is wonderful" and didn't give you any indication of how to improve?

As for your sister, I really do not care if she is cursing me out. That's a little silly of her to insult the people trying to help you.​

 

CHAPTER ONE<333 remove the hearts, it looks childish

Kairi stepped out onto the sand and sighed.The echoes filled her soul.
She's not sure anymore, it's just to hard.The voices had her on edge of insanity.She wanted to scream.
^First off, big problems. You need at least two spaces between every sentence. There is no getting around this. This is how it's been for years. What is the last line of the supposed to me. She...she...she...SHE WHAT?! Is this an internal dialogue? Is this supposed to be a duscussion?

v you need when you are using dialogue "Blah blah blah". Not 'blah'. Also something that has been around for ages.
'Who is that boy!?' <double space dialogue to make the flow better.v
'He's driving me insane,and I don't even know who he is, or what to do!'
'I can't even think of his name!'

Problem: we dont' know who you are talking about or to who. Is this a one on one conversation or an internal struggle?

The sand warmed her bare feet as she made the change stepped into the cold ocean water. She wiggled her toes to distract herself;that didn't work.

She was dying for a cold drink; her drying tounge tongue (use spell check) circled her mouth. She didn't remember if he has ever kissed her. She longed for his kiss, she didn't even know why. Passive voice transitions is bad. Remove has. Why would she long for his kiss if she doesn't know why?

"What is that world I held so dear for so..long?" She said to herself; reword this, it sounds horrendous> sounded cracked 'cause she it felt like she haven't talked in years.
"Hmmmm..." She was too confused to sort out her problems by herself.

'I have to find this boy..Ehh-the one who came into my thoughts..So briefly.'

Ok, i'm stopping here. One problem that you have throughout this that you either don't address or refuse to address is who SHE is. The first lesson in creating a protagonist is giving them a reason for the reader to want to keep reading and relate with the reader. So far you do none of this. This is Kairi we are talking about, is she having an internal struggle with Namine? Is the kiss refering to Sora, to Riku, to a kid she met at school while they were gone!?

Basically, i'm bored.

She slipped on her shoes and tied them. Looked up at the sky with her matching blue eyes, ran her hands through her red hair and a tear fell.

A TEAR! < why, did she stare into the sun, give us DETAILS

Where did that come from?
The memories, that she has forgotten,they were getting to her.

"HOW COULD I FORGET HIM!?" She breathed hard as her blotchy lips pressed together to allow some sort moan to be let out. <your descriptions don't add up. IF she is angry, show us. The dialogue tells us that she is yelling, yet you have her shut her lips to moan?

The red blood? was infecting her face as the clear water fell from the sea of iris.

Her pupils widened. She closed her eyes and opened them again.

Rubbed her fingers against her forehead and squeezed the pressure points between her thumb and pointed finger to ease her headache. <it sounds to me that you are popping a zit.

A drop of rain touched her open palm.

She was okay now, nobody would be able to tell she had been crying. ...what?
The red was disappearing. don't say red. say either blood or anger.

She ran back up to town and looked back on the island.

She heard a laugh..A familair laugh.

A ghostly laugh.strange but catchy;like she wanted to join in.
It brought a smile to her face.

^make that the last line.
v this line is a bad place to end, and whats with the lines? If you are going to end a section/scene/ chapter, use three asterisks.
'Probably one of the last of the smiles for a while,' then it faded.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Apparently not. Look i'm going to go all out and completely defend CTR. This is a site yes, but if you decide to post a story or a work or anything for that matter, i'm all for creativity, but you have to make it worth a read. From what i've read, i would honestly have not commented on this except for the massive amount of errors.

And your sister can shut her freaking mouth. Why should she be cursing us out? Did she write this? Does she have any say in how we can or can't critique and or comment: No. Better yet, she isn't an english major. If she wants to write something on here and then curse us out for our thoughts, fine. But if she wants to act that way, then she is being childish.

If you post a story on this site, chances are 9/10 times you are going to get people that will say that it is good, or that they want more and thats it. These comments to me are nothing more than feel good factors, yet they do nothing to tell you what could change, try this, don't do this, they do NOTHING.

I refuse to abide by that mentality.

CTR's post and mine are what you should be accepting. Not false acceptance.

 

It was interesting, but as the others said, you need to be careful with your formatting, grammer, and tenses. If you really want people to enjoy you're writing, then you need to work on fixing those mistakes. Yes, this is a fun site, but the rules of writing should apply everywhere; not just school.

 

I suck at writing, so what I can't be good at everthing.Or please everyone.

CTR is right and thanks for shades for pointing out every single mistake I made. But your right.

I can clearly see that I get the point,

and as for my sister she is a child: 9 years old.

I am kind of thinking I'm never going to pick up another peice of paper again.
'Cause apparently I won reflections for writing last year and it was all a lie.

:nono: :stupid::(

 

You are right, you can't please everyone and you can't be good at everything. That is life, but hun, that is why people give advice and ideas, to help others to learn and to improve. No-one is asking for miracles, they are just trying to help.

As for saying you wont ever pick up another peice of paper again =/ I am going to be blunt, that is very childish. No-one is saying "omfg u sux go die" they are giving CONSTRUCTIVE advice.

Keep writing, just listen to what everyone has said. No-one has deliberately posted just to be mean, and I know that I at least would like to see you keep writing and watch you get better and better.

It is a hard fact of life that there will be times when your work isn't always liked. No-one has been successful every single time, hell I have even given crit on Shades before, and he does English as part of his degree. I have had my own work ripped apart before too.

It is how we learn. If you give up and run away, what will you learn then?

:glomp: ​

 

This is the exact opposite of what my critique was supposed to bring about. How are we supposed to grow if we aren't shown flaws that can be fixed?

If this is the reason that you are leaving the forum, then I kinda feel that you missed the point or my critique. I know that this might seem hard and that we 100% hated your story, we are trying to help you get better by showing you ways to improve it.

I'll admit that I went off on a rant about your comments about the site, but in honesty its the truth. If I meant any disrespect towards you or your sister I apologize but I meant every word of it because it is a flaw of the CC and a majority of the writers.

 

I'm sorry I was being childish. I can't help the way I've been lately.I'm such an idiot. Coming from me.

I am sorry I was being so mean and childish, I am the one who is running away there is no use for that I'll just keep trying.

Thanks.

I guess I learned today how to take critism when going though a crisis in my own mind.xDD