I actually made this for my CP English II class for the "futuristic" topic of stories we're reading. I worked pretty hard on it, and I hope I get a good grade (because I just finished it 5 minutes ago XD). Hope you like it. Love and War to Fight For I cringe every time I hear her scream. Her small, shrill voice made my hair stand on end and chills run down my spine. She ran over to me, her small figure crashing into mine as she wrapped her arms around my waist. I put a hand over her brown hair and tried soothing her that everything would be alright. She only shook her head, but who could blame her? The third World War was closer than expected and it was too late now. My daughter continued crying into my shirt. At age eight, things were hard to understand. She’d come home seconds ago, running to me once she’d found me. The news of the war must’ve traveled to the school. The once…smaller war, the Iraqi War, had grown over the last thirty years. World War III was upon us, and it was to be one of the worst ever. The hot sun was beginning to lower close to the horizon. I squinted as it shined in my eyes, turning my head away from the light. Even though the weather was bright, it wasn’t a reflection of our moods. I started thinking about the sight of the war coming here. Florida wasn’t as much of a hotspot as New York or Washington D.C.. So maybe the war wouldn’t be brought here in particular, but if it was anywhere in the States, we were in danger. As I let my thoughts take me away from the world, a shadow quickly passing across the floor brought me back to reality. I turned my head just in time to see Trent, my husband, walk through the front door. My daughter whipped her head around at the sound of the door closing behind him. “Daddy!” she shrieked as she tore away from me and ran over to him. He bent down and hugged her, cupping the back of her head with one hand. “Hey, Princess,” he greeted her. I smiled. I was called that as a nickname when I was young, too. “What’s going on?” he asked, and my smile faded at the answer. “Daddy, the fight! The fight is coming, Daddy!” I couldn’t see her face, but I knew she had the look of fear in her eyes. The same fear reflected in Trent’s as they grew wide and he flitted them to look at me. I walked forward a few steps to stand in the foyer. Pulling a piece of my light brown hair behind an ear, I said, “Isabella, could you go put your stuff upstairs? It’s time to wash up for dinner.” She simply nodded before climbing up the stairs to her room. Once she was gone, Trent came over to me. “How’d she find out, Hayden?” I shook my head slowly. “I’m not exactly sure. It traveled around the school today, I guess.” It was surprising, really, because we just got the news this afternoon. News traveled fast in the suburbs. Good or bad, it was out the day it happened. Trent ran a hand through his short brown hair. I could easily tell this was bothering him. Being in the Army, he dealt with a lot. The added stress of our daughter knowing something was going on didn’t make it any easier on him. We knew the war was going to come sometime. We just wish it wasn’t now. Isabella came downstairs and stopped at the foot of the stairs. She flicked her eyes between us both, and we met her gaze. She was a smart girl, she knew something was wrong. Trying to avoid any questions she was about to ask, I cleared my throat and brought her with me to the kitchen. After getting everything settled, we all began to eat our dinner silently at the table. Isabella had plenty to say about school and I was hoping she wouldn’t bring up any of the news that spread around today. I looked over at Trent and his expression seemed to be showing the same thing. The conversation would make us uncomfortable with Isabella around, so we tried our hardest to avoid it completely. By the end of dinner, thankfully the subject hadn’t been brought up. We cleaned up after the meal and what little mess was made. Isabella went to her room and Trent and I sat in the living room. After a few seconds of silence, Trent spoke up. “I got my assignment today.” “Good. What is it?” I had a feeling something was wrong, and the look on his face confirmed my suspicion. “Actually…I have to leave in three days to go to New York. The President thinks that since the Iraqis attacked the Twin Towers all those years ago, they’ll attack them again since we rebuilt them. If things don’t go as planned, I’ll be sent to D.C. in case the enemy decides to hit there.” He was leaving already? Right after we found out there was even going to be a war? Him telling me this made my jaw drop slightly. The information felt so rushed. The impact literally left me breathless. “Hayden?” I met his gaze, regretting it instantly. His blue eyes searched mine in worry and I suddenly felt a big lump form in my throat. “Um…so soon?” I practically choked on my own words as I spoke them. I looked away from him unsteadily. I wasn’t going to be able to hold myself together if I stared at his face. His first assignment in the Army…and it had to be a World War of all things. Trent sighed. “Unfortunately, yes. We’re wanted to be as prepared as possible for this.” Without looking at him, I said so quietly it was much like a whisper, “But it’s your first assignment, Trent.” “I’m ready to fight for my country, Hayden. I’m ready to fight for you and Isabella. I’m ready to fight for my family, myself….” He walked across the room to crouch in front of me. As he looked up at me, there was sadness in his ocean blue eyes. “If defending my country and my family means I have to die, I’m okay with that.” His words pained me. The fact that he even used himself and “die” in the same sentence made my heart break. Trent and the awful word were never meant to go together. It was like two completely horrible chords mashing together on a piano; it just didn’t mix. “I don’t want to die a coward, Hayden. I’ll die fighting as long as you and Isabella are safe. Can you understand that?” I nodded, biting my lip. My eyes were welling and I knew he could see it. His expression shifted into a broken mask of sorrow. I pulled him into a hug, a few tears escaping my eyes. After a minute or so, we separated and I wiped away the remaining water that was on the verge of escaping my lashes. I couldn’t let this be one of the memories Trent had before he went off to war. He shouldn’t feel bad for doing what’s right. I was just being selfish. I needed to be strong, for him, for Isabella, and for myself. And I would be. When that sad time came, I’d be prepared for it, just how my country would be for the attacks. I had a war of my own to fight now, and I wasn’t going to go down a coward. Yeah...pretty much it. It wasn't much. Just something I thought I'd share. =)
Here I was ready to give up my nit picky ways. Well, you need to be sure you know who you're talking about when you write. "her small figure crashing into mine" Does the speaker also have a small figure? This sentence doesn't imply that but it doesn't say it couldn't be true either. Be specific. Next is diction. Is figure the word you want to use? Form, frame, body, any other number of words could also fit there. Just be sure you are using what sounds best, I doin't think that was a bad choice but it is a good thing to think about since you didn't seem to do much editing. Also, you want a certain level of realism in this. It's not superficially logical that a new recruit that has no combat experience would be protecting key points, think about trying to study up a bit on what you write. I am probably wrong but it never hurts to know you are in fact correct. It's rather short, but it does tell what it needs to so that's a plus. I realy have nothing more specific to say. Any problems you may have here can be fixed with practice.
Oh, yeah, completely understandable what you're getting at. I was having second thoughts about the "first assignment" idea...I guess I could switch it out for something else (since the paper's not due unitl Tuesday). So, thank you for that. The "small figure crashing into mine" was really just meant to say that my daughter's figure crashed into mine. I was trying to describe my daughter and not myself. So, thank you for that as well. I appreciate your comments and critique. It's helpful and I'm thankful for it. Thanks for reading it.
