This isn't entirely a help with my life as much as it is a way of venting I suppose. Never entirely certain however. Well today entails a story that has been a constant struggle for the passed few months. The topic, tension with my parents. Pretty common problem for most youngfolk eh? Indeed, however I've never had much conflict with my parents at all really until recently. I suppose it is to be expected when transferring from being under their wings and getting into the real world on your own, but it's always annoying. As of late, I've been feeling rather a disappointment to them. I want to obey them and such, but I also want my freedom. For goodness sakes I am nineteen. Even though that doesn't entail complete freedom, I should receive more liberties to say the least. But it's gotten so bad that I am literally afraid to go to bed, knowing the next day brings about sunshine (or not), various other things, and another event to disappoint them further. Anyways, that rather long tangent... Today my father, younger brother and I were going to go to a banquette of sorts. He asked me yesterday if I wanted to go. I was hesitant, but agreed because I thought it would be good. He said that we were going to leave at a certain time, but when that certain time came, I was almost ready and he was rather furious. I told him he and my brother could go without me and he exploded in my face saying he forgot the tickets up at his work. Part of me is enraged at him, and kind of glad he lost it because all these months of frustration with them, they never got so angry that they yelled at me. I guess I felt that meant I was always wrong and that I am always to blame. But now that he lost his temper, I feel like they aren't on their pedestal anymore. I guess I always feel like a letdown. Not that any of you could sincerely vouch for me, given this is the rootin' tootin' internet. But my frustration must be let out, and I suppose I trust many of you to this knowledge. Make of it how you will.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. That's the problem with a lot of things. They just keep building up inside you until you explode. You said this has been going on for a few months? Around what time did it start? If possible, the exact date? Could something have happened that changed things?
Started around the time I returned from my internship out in Missouri. Shortly after I returned around 8 October 2011 so I'd say a few weeks after that. My guess is the taste of freedom out there for about 4 months has made me independent, or at least more so than I was previously. That struggle of holding onto me and watching me grow is a dangerous mixture. Often trying to help can cause the opposite.
The event you're talking about doesn't seem like your fault at all. It's your dad's fault right there. I don't see how you're a letdown. Don't feel that way please D= You don't even seem to have any reason to be.
I realized that after I turned 19 and entered into college, my mom can be quite bossy when I am around her. She wasn't like that until I was on my own. Sometimes I too feel like just letting out a shout when she is fussing at me for something unnecessary. However, I think your parents realize now "he's old enough to do what he wants, to make his own decisions without asking us first" and they aren't used to that. They just don't want you to grow up. I think he got mad when you weren't quite ready because he feels that since you are 19 and in the real world now, you should be more responsible with keeping with the set time. Overall though, you are an adult now....no longer a child. Your parents have been raising you for 19 years now. It's your time to make something of yourself. Which mans that you won't be around them as much as you were because you are going for your dreams. They, I am sure, are very proud of you, but they are now realizing this. You are on your own now. You make your own decisions. You have responsibility for yourself. They love and worry about you. ^^ You are not a letdown :)
Believe it or not, I went through the same thing myself. Your situation is different from mine, but it's similiar. What I felt like to my parents was the perfect child. I had an older brother with down syndrome and a sister with really bad angry problems and my dad saw her as a rebel. I was the youngest in the family, so I was like the gem to them. The perfect, innocent daughter. They didn't let me go to Health class in high school (because they thought that would corrupt me, so they wanted to keep me innocent and I really didn't know till later), I couldn't get a job because my dad pushed for school first and so I didn't have money to go to college, I didn't get a license, every choice I made for myself was bad and they had to choose for me... And it was just horrible. When I turned eighteen, I was getting so frustrated because I was a legal young adult and I wanted a job, I wanted to take my own classes and just have my own freedom, but it wasn't granted. When I got bad grades in my math classes my dad wanted me to take, my dad expressed how disappointed he was in me and I felt so terrible. He also brought up times where I broke down and cried, and just kept bringing up past mistakes I made over and over again which made me so stressed out. I can't explain in details, because for one I am seriously traumatized by it still and it hurts so much, but like you my dad lost his temper with me. It was so bad, I had to leave my house and I was too afraid to come home. I felt sick every time I had to go near my old neighborhood, and I was just so skiddish of everything after that because the one person I trusted the most hurt me. Over the months though and living at my friend's house, things were alright with us again... It wasn't as simple as I make it out to be, but things are okay now with us. He knows I am a big girl, and I just need to sprout my own wings. I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what happens, no matter what you think your parents think about you, they still love you. They really, really do love you. I think they're just frustrated right now because they know you're old enough, and they just don't want to see you go and they just don't know how to express it the right way. The thing I suggest is to just talk to your parents. Let out your frustrations, tell them how you feel. It's okay to feel these emotions because we're human. We're not perfect at all my friend. No matter what anyone says to us or what we try to believe. Maybe they won't listen to you the first time, but if you keep communicating your feelings of being a disappointment to them and that you want your own freedom and you need their help to accomplish this so you can be a successful adult, something good might come out of it. I'm not promising sunshine and daisies and that this could be the cure to all your problems. I am saying it's better to just get it out there then to hold it all back and wait till you explode. Because once you explode, you can't control the situation. But if you just express and communicate your feelings to your parents, it's better than to keep it all locked up inside of you and that'll create more contention between you and your parents and visa versa because you guys don't know what the other is thinking. They're probably thinking they're disappointing you too and they don't know that you know it. Just an example... Know that you're not alone. I'm nineteen years old and still living with my friend's family and still haven't found the wings to fly on my own, but I know I'll get there someday. Best of luck to you. :glomp:
To me, it seems like your parents aren't ready to let you go. They are trying to be with you as much as possible, before you leave them. (If you haven't already?) So I suggest maybe for you to spend some more time with them, before you move out. It would probably relieve some of the tension between you and your parents; it would also show that you, yourself, still care about them, no matter what. And remember this; you are never a letdown, under any circumstance. You are only being a letdown, if you make yourself believe that you're a letdown.
The problem is, I'm tired of talking. That's all that's been happening, yet it never lessened any tension. It was more of a counseling in which I try my best not to look into their eyes. Most of the things I am told I just keep breaking over and over. I do not understand it. Alas I regress.
Hey, I didn't understand it either when it was happening to me and it always seemed like my dad was always twisting my words around when I said something. Communication doesn't work if the other party really doesn't respond, huh? :\ As everyone says, you're an adult now though. You have what it takes to get started out on this big wide world. I mean, you already have an art career! A lot of young adults your age can't say that. :3 It's tough. I know. Everyone's here for ya. Behind the clouds, the sun is shining.
