Sora walked into the room to Kairi kissing Riku. Sora open his eyes.WHAT IS GOIN ON HERE!? Yelled Sora. Riku pulled away from Kairi. Sorry bro she needs an real man. Kairi looked at Sora.Sorry Sora.Said Kairi. Sora walked at the room. How could she do this.Said Sora talking to him self. Sora looks down.I should have know.She n-.Said Sora before being cut off. Hey Sora yelled Namine.Sora smiled.Hey Nams! Yelled Sora. Namine walked up to Sora.Hey whats up? Asked Namine. Sora looked down. Are you okay Sora? Ask Namine. Sora looked at Namine. She cheated on me. Said Sora. Namine looked at Sora.Who cheat on you? Asked Namine. Kairi did!!! Yelled Sora. Oh i'm sorry.Said Namine It okay.Said Sora. So whats brings you here? Asked Sora. Nuthin just want to get my homework done here. Sora"oh cool." Namine"yea not really=_=" Sora"Haha" Namine looked at Sora. Damn your cute Said Namine. What? Said Sora as he smiles. HUH? Wha? OH i did't say anything sorry Said Namine. Sora looked at Namine. Yes you did.You called me cute:o.Said Sora. Ummmmmmmm well um...Namine said. Well look at the time i gotta g- Said Namine as she start to run. Sora smiling.He said"She is kinda cute and she really smart." . Well this story been sitin in my notepad for god only knows how long. There only 3 parts of the story so don't get your hopes up. And i'm still doin host club.Like i said this is an 3 part story. So i hoped you guys liked. Have an Nice day!
First of all, format your work properly. Have "quotes" when people talk, and unless it's a poem, you should write full lines, and not have it like this. Because that's confusing. I don't really know what to say about the story. It was strange, simply because of the story. I don't really see Naimé x Sora, because Naminé is Kairi. If you disregard that, it seems more like the shell of what could potentially be a longer story, because by now it doesn't really have a certain climax (imo). Back to the formatting. I would definitely reformat the text, and by all means; Do not put smiley's in a story! It ruins the flow of the text. If anything, just say "he said, as he smiled" or something similar. Also, try to avoid repeating "he said, she said" too much, as the text will get very monotone, and it will seem repetitive. I'd like to see a revised version of this, if you want to.
I agree with Norox. this format seems like the format for a poem, with short stanzas that cut off mid sentence. id also like to see a reason WHY Kairi was kissing Riku. based on the games, neither Kairi nor Riku would do something to hurt Sora that much, but hey, its your story. on another note, you really seem to like stories where Kairi cheats on Sora in some way. while its a very different - and in some ways, refreshing, after all the romance fanfics - idea, you should be careful to keep in character.
I have to agree with the suggestions in here. This seems more like a poem than a story. Anyway, besides the minor format errors, you did a very excellent job on this. I think what I like about it is that you did something with the characters that no one else thought the characters would do; in this case, it's Kairi kissing Riku.
I have to agree with everyone else on the formatting. The way it's reading now seems to me to be more reminiscent of a play (and even then the format could use a bit of tweaking). May I suggest looking at a site to help with formatting? I do it all the time when I start writing in a different style, so it should also do you some good. As for the story itself, I think you could have described what was going on more clearly. I mean, I don't think Riku would make out with Kairi aka his bro's girl, without any real reason behind it. Also, Namine and Sora seemed a bit out of character for me. Namine is more or less the "shy, good girl", and I can't really see her coming onto Sora like that. In any case, I do wonder what is happening next, and I hope you update soon. c:
Well Kairi is under an spell that why she acting like this and riku i just never liked him so i made him an jack ass and namine is shy just not in this part of the story sorry
But are you at least getting what they're saying about the format? I'm not going to sugar-coat it, I didn't even read anything of it because it looked like mush, my eyes can only handle so much coming at me at once. You should really clean it up, add quotes, identify your paragraphs, do some decent punctuation and all of that, because this looks pretty confusing. If you need any help with that, I like to think myself a good beta-reader, so you could PM me anything else you intend to put up for this. Also, from what I gather of the other posts, you have some character personality-changes going on? When writing characters in a different fashion from what they actually are, you have to be careful that you're not straying too much from how they actually are, keep that in mind. EDIT: Also, instead of being a total ass, I read a bit of the middle part of it, where Naminé is speaking to Sora. All I can really see here is dialogue, and after a while it just becomes monotone to read in the head, there's no description of how they sound when they're saying something, not really at least. Specifying that a character yelled is something, but a little more would be appreciated. So, instead of: It could look and be read: Or something of that sorts. I'm not trying to write your story for you, I don't like when people do that for me, but suggestions are always nice to have from others.
She's under a spell? Well, I re-read it, and I didn't see anything like that, so you might want to state that she's under a spell to avoid confusion from other readers.
I agree to an extent. She doesn't need to outright say it, she can add it in in another update t explain why Kairi was going off with Riku like that. The way it's set up now could allow for such an element of mystery to the story (of course now that's more or less not really a "mystery" considering the readers now, but plot-wise it would still be beneficial). Also, the thing abut Riku is that despite his earlier jackass moments in KH, he was only that way because of outside influences. I'm not going to tell you how to write your story by any means, but if you have Riku and Kairi under a spell, and Namine trying to get Sora to swoon over her, this could be a much bigger plot of some outside, antagonistic force. Again, I'm not saying you should do that. It's your story, and you are free to write the plot whichever way you want. o;
Look, I have to agree with everyone else on this, formatting. You won't just get a "Can't wait for more" by just posting a block of text. Though I do like the story and where you were taking it. If you need help formatting and proof-reading your work you can ask for help. I would be willing to help you if you want. Though it does still need some work and touching up, I honestly like this story (don't really see many SoraXNamine fanfics) and I would like to see more. Just VM me and I (or I am sure anyone here in the creativity corner) will help you out.
Everyone: I've deleted the off topic posts in this thread, which in this case, were leading into the beginnings of another discussion/debate about formatting in general. If you have any questions and/or concerns, feel free to PM me. As for the topic maker, this is the second thread in which something like this has occurred. I'm sorry if someone doesn't say your story is great, but in order to improve you need both the positive and the negative. If you only get a bunch of praise/disdain, you're not going to improve when you are fully capable of doing so. All of the pages in this section are records of people trying to learn how to write better, and they did through both the critique and the "good job!" comments. That being said, I do recommend that you check out a formatting site, such as this one: click me! You don't need a header/page number, nor do you need to set a line spacing or contact info, but that more or less covers how you need to format it. There are also videos on YouTube as well, so if you ever need more help, check there. There's also the more immediate option of us here. We certainly won't bite if you ask one of us to help edit/proofread your story. And Clawtooth and I are almost always available, so do not be afraid to shoot a PM/VM. o;
2 Days later Namine was talking to Roxas.Roxas was talking to Namine.Kairi was trying to tell Riku something. Xion was talking to Tamaki(I have to put him in some where),And Sora was just Sora.Sora start to think about what happen a few days ago."Why am i not sad?"Asked Sora talking to him self.. Roxas walked up to Sora"Hey my somebody"Said Roxas as he high fived Sora.Sora looked at Roxas."You seem to be in a happy mood today"Said Sora with a smile.Roxas showed a big fat smile. "Yea! Me and Xion had sooooooooo much fun last night"Said Roxas.Sora smiled."Good to know you had a nice time dude"Said Sora. Namine walked to Sora and Roxas."Hi guys"Said Namine while she was looking at Sora with a smile. "I WENT ON THE BEST DATE WITH XION AND IT WAS AWESOME AND AND" Yelled Roxas dancing with a random dude in school. Sora looked at Roxas."WOooooooowwwww"Said Sora while smiling......When class was over Sora and Namine met up for lunch, Namine"Where is everybody?" Sora"I don't know'' Xion walked up to Sora and Namine.''Hey guys"Said Xiox with a smile on her face..Sora looked at Namine But...She was not Namine. She had a red high-light in her hair."When did you get that"Asked Sora. "Hm? Oh the red high-light.I don't know.I just woke up and it was there."Replyed Namine with a smile.Something was not right about Namine.. Was she turning into some one esle? Hmmmm.Maybe...Just then Sora open his eyes."When i took my heart out.To save Kairi...Did it really go to Kairi?..It had to..Did it? Maybe it went to Namine..Wait..That means..KAIRI A NOBODY"Yelled Sora."Huh?"Said Namine. "Oh nothing sorry i..Got to go"Said Sora as he ran out of the room.Xion looked at Namine."Hey Namine" Said Xion. ''Hm?" Said Namine looking at Xion,'"Can nobodys..Love?" Asked Xion.Namine stop.She didn't know what to say...."Are we all under a spell or something?"Asked Namine.XIon looked at Namine."Maybe we are..Kairi never would act like a b to Sora...Maybe we are under a spell.."Said Xion.Roxas looked at both of them..."I'm going to see Yen Sid"Said Roxas as he ran out of the room to talk to Yen Sid...Namine was happy that she was a somebody..She had feelings..She can love now..She can cry now..She was happy.But she knew this was not her heart.Nor her life.She shouldn't be inlove with Sora.Kairi Should..As much as she want a heart..She can never have one..Xion looked at Namine.."You know just cuz your a nobody don't mean you can't go out with Sora"Said Xion with a smile."Me and Roxas love each and we don't have heart."Said Xion.Namine eyes open. Namine smile."Your right''Yelled Namine.Namine got up and ran.She start looking for Sora."Sora!! Sora!"Yelled Namine. Sora turn to Namine"Hey Nams.Listen i know you want a heart and all that but..It Kairi heart.."Said Sora. Namine stoped.She hold back the tears.."Yea i knew that.I just wanted to know if you wanted to go see a movie tonight" Said Namine trying not to cry and showing a fake smile."Sorry once i get Kairi heart back and get this spell of everybody.Me and Kairi will be back together."Said Sora with a smile."Oh..Okay"Said Namine...About 3 days past Sora got everybody back to the way they where.Namine was a nobody again.Xion and Roxas was no more inlove,Kairi and Sora was back together.And Riku was Riku again.But Xion and Roxas was mad at Sora..They didn't care if they where under a spell. They where happy....Xion walked up to Sora and slaped him.(Witch Xion would never do) Sora fell."What was that for!"Yelled Sora."Everybody was happy!Me and Roxas was happy!Namine was happy! EVERYBODY WAS HAPPY! BUT YOU! I HATE YOU SORA! I WILL ALWAYS HATE YOU"Yelled Xion.Xion ran out of the room crying. It short i know but i like it so if you have sometthing bad to say then leave :) kay thanks Have a nice day every one! And sorry for that''Have to make the heart of the host club don't cha forget.I put it in the notes and i forgot to del it lol sorrry
I think you should get more into the emotion words, such as; 'He said', you could put, 'He exclaimed' or 'he grumbled' and or' he yelled at the top of his lungs'. Then theres the grammar mistakes, such as the past,future and current tenses: 'But Xion and Roxas was mad at Sora..They didn't care if they where under a spell.'; Not too good. 'But Xion and Roxas Were mad at Sora..They didn't care if they were under a spell.'; good! Theres a spell checker on here, or on Word, you should check it out! Or get a Beta Reader, they proof read and help you edit your stories. But I do liek the idea! And where the story is at currently XD Spells are so much trouble.
What I like about this is how the story is focused on Roxas and Naminé -- they're mentioned throughout the whole story. However, like I said in another thread, the formatting needs to be spiced up. You need to make it clear who's saying what, as well as adding spaces between each paragraph. Also, try getting rid of the cyan and making it the normal white, as it's easier on the eyes.
