Kingdom Hearts Time Warp

First off, this is very short. Second, you didn't use much punctuation and grammar to make it look good. 4.7/10

 

they will get longer

 

People stop spamming... It's way to short :/

 

well you could go really far with the plot, its great. Um..really good story but you might wanna do a couple spell checks if you aren't sure how its spelled, of course a lot of people have typos so not too bad but also try to use a teeny bit more punctuation and enter after the speaking like so:

Kiari was in the castle.

“I wonder why I’m hear.†Kiari thought.

Just then Minney and Daisy walked out and saw her.

“Hello there†Minney said.

“hi†Kiari said then bowed.

“Hello I’m Daisy and this is Quean Minney.†Daisy said.

“nice to meet you!†Kiari replied.

“we are about to go shoping. Would you like to join?†Minney asked.

“sure!†Kiari said

it usually helps us to tell who is saying what. Also to make it more interesting(if thats possible) try to describe their surroundings and their emotions. Just a little friendly advice, take it or leave it I don't mind and no offense meant, like I said before its a great plot and you could go really far with it :)

 

ok thank u very muck!

 

If you mean that I don't think it is good enough to send to square-enix, that's not what I was implying at all. I was saying that nothing is good enough to send to square, becuase they're not a company that is accepting tons of fanfictions about their games.

I didn't mean to be a bad person or anything, but sometimes when you don't even make an effort to spell check and hardly organize your story at all, some critique is necessary, harsh as it may be. However, it is your choice whether or not to take it. Even if I did think it "wasn't good 'enuth'" you shouldn't have a problem, becuase not everybody is going to like all of your stories. In writing a story, you have to understand that some people will not like it.
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your welcome very much :D