Kingdom Hearts Time Warp

Sora Riku and Kiari appear in front of ye Sid. “what’s going on?†Sora asked “It is Organization 13 they are back.†Yen Sid replied “I thought we got rid of them!†Riku said. “You did, well at least in this time†Yen Sid replied. “What do you mean?†Kiari asked. “They have come back but they are in the past. In the time in witch I tout the King.†Ye Sid Explained “that is why I called you hear. I need you to go to that time and help in your different ways.†“you mean we wont be together?†Kiari asked “I’m afraid this is the only way.†he replied “then we’ll do it†Sora said. Yen Sid made 3 portals. “these will take you to were you are suppose to be.†he explained. The 3 friends said bye and went throw there portals.

 

nice....8.99929/10!

better spelling, nice story flow, punctuation's aweosme!, and pretty good use of suspense.

 

tyvm!

Riku looked around all he did was transport me outside his tower! I better tell him it didn’t work.” Riku said walking into the tower. “who are you?” Riku heard a voice say. Riku turned around and saw that the voice belonged to King Mickey, but he was different, younger. “t worked! I’m in the past!” Riku thought to himself. “I’m Riku” he said remembering the kings question. “Hi I’m Mickey…do u have bisness with Yen Sid?” Mickey asked. “yes I need to talk to him.” Riku replied. “ok follow me” Mickey said leading the way. Riku followed. Mickey led him into Yen Sid’s office. “this man says he has bissness with you.” Mickey said. “ok please leave us alone.” Yen Sid said. Mickey obeyed. “ok tell me you’re story.” Yen Sid said to Riku, so Riku told him about what had happened. “ok if I am right you are hear to protect her witch means you must be close to him, so there is only 1 thing we can do. You will be my second apprentice.” Yen Sid declared. Riku stood in shock. “Mickey.” Yen Sid called. “yes?” Mickey asked coming in. “Riku will be you’re new class mate in a way so can you fill him in on the rules?” Yen Sid asked. “ok” Mickey said leading Riku out of the room. In the next hour Mickey filled Riku in on ALL the rules. “you should catch on quick.” Mickey said. “I hope. I may never catch up.” Riku said “you will don’t worry!” Mickey encouraged. “I hope so!” Riku said

 

9.22949/10

make sure to use the right word. like you're when its supposed to be your, ok?
and try to make sure to make a difference between their thoughts and the story, alright?

other than that, its great!

 

tyvm!

What you think is really important! You are the king of all world after all!” Riku said. Mickey blushed. “I wish everyone didn’t know about that!” Mickey said. “Why not?” Riku asked. “I don’t won’t to have to worry about people treating me different!” Mickey explained. “well you don’t have to worry about that from me! To me you are Mickey!” Riku said. “thank you! Well we better get practicing!” Mickey said. “ok lets go!” Riku said running off. Mickey laughed and chased after him.


I'm going to be swiching around with Riku sora and Kiari's advenchers. Riku's will continue later but wich do u want to start next?

 

8.99919/10

hm, Kairi should be next....save the best for last

 

ok...wanna know a seacret?

 

sure but if its a secret you might want to pm me...unless you'd like everyone else to know too....

 

ok I am typing this exact story on word press and when I finish it I am going to print it out and send it to the kh compeny! any1 that helps me will be on a list of people that made this!

 

0.0

you're kidding right!? OMG!!! COOL!!!!!!!!!!!

 

not kidding!

 

o.0

..............COOL!!!!

XD

so when's the next one?

 

Kiari

Kiari was in the castle. “I wonder why I’m hear.” Kiari thought. Just then Minney and Daisy walked out and saw her. “Hello there” Minney said. “hi” Kiari said then bowed. “Hello I’m Daisy and this is Quean Minney.” Daisy said. “nice to meet you!” Kiari replied. “we are about to go shoping. Would you like to join?” Minney asked. “sure!” Kiari said

 

8.0009/10

pretty good...just work a bit on spelling, k? and add a bit detail...

 

.... You've got to be kidding.

This story needs work. The idea itself could be a good one if executed correctly, but in this case, it is DEFINITELY not.

First of all, include dialog, but make sure it is clear who is speaking. Take time to describe emotions and surroundings, and exactly what is going on to give the reader a picture. Describe the emotions on people's faces, describe their surroundings, anything. Make it something we can relate to and enjoy rather than struggle to read. You only said dialog and actions, and that does not make people want to read it. On the contrary, it makes them want to never look at it again.

Second, you SERIOUSLY need to work on spelling, punctuation, and grammar. I could hardly tell at some points exactly what you're saying. It was very primitive in this aspect. Divide it into paragraphs. You should also make sure it is in chapters instead of a paragraph a post.

Finally, even though I could completely blast and criticize you in many other ways, I have a feeling that my advice won't be taken, so I won't to save time. However, I advise you NOT to do that.

Square-Enix does not concern themselves with fanfictions of their games at all. They do not care about even the best of all fanfictions, which, I am sorry to say, yours is not part of. What on earth possessed to to try and do this? Sending a grammar-less, non spell checked, emotionless story that doesn't tie into the story line of the game is a waste of paper and postage. Besides, what would you accomplish by sending it? It isn't like it could get published. IT IS A FANFICTION.

Your writing style is in woeful need correction. Hopefully in a year or two by taking more Language Arts classes and such you may be able to improve it, or at least the grammar part. Some people just aren't cut out for writing facfictions. They have Ideas, but are unable to put them down on paper and express them to their readers in the same way. Maybe you are one of these people.

If you want to continue, go ahead, but it might be wise to try a new hobby, such as drawing or video making. It is really okay; some people just can not write. Sorry if I sounded to harsh, but I'm trying to give you realistic critique. I figured if you were serious about sending a fanfiction to SE, you might need a slight push to bring yourself back to reality. Again I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or anything like that.
​

 

oh leave me be! I like my story!

 

i like it too!

but dinesty, at least take OMGitssRIKU! 's advice into consideration. If someone takes the time to review (especially a long one like that) and give you critiscm (even if it seems harsh) then at least think over what they said. Writers can't always have good reviews but a writer can improve their stories to get better reviews.

 

I did take it into cosern but I gess I was just realy mad cuz it seemes like OMGitssRIKU! thinks my story isn't good enuth

 

well it is good enough, but it can always be better. That's the way it is...

 

ok tyvm!!!