Chapter 1"the revival" In a dark room,a mysterious man walked through the area.He was wearing the organization's cloak.He noticed a dark orb with a gear-like emblem on it. "This orb shows me a negative charge"the man said The cloaked figure touched the orb and a dark blast was realeased from the orb.The blast went to the floor and started to form a dark figure.He wore a dark body suit with red markings on the torso area and he wore a dark helment that covered his head. "Who are you"the cloaked man asked the mysterious masked boy. "My.....name is.....Vanitas"the masked boy said to the man. The man was shocked at his name.He stepped back and left by a dark portal.This left Vanitas alone. "I.......must...find Ventus....to destroy him so.......I...can rebuild the X-Blade!" The revenge filled boy summened his weapon,a keyblade and summoned a few dark portals.The portals popped to existance and formed some small blue creatures with fierce red eyes. "Seek out Ventus and destroy anything that gets in your way"Vanitas said to his servants. The creatures followed his master's order and left to search the worlds for Ventus.
Well, probably the first thing that caught my eye about this was the formatting. There were many cases of not pressing space after you began a new sentence, and that creates a blocky wall of text. Granted, that's still not perfect either. I think you could have given the reader a bit more of a description of the man, as he seems to be the narrator at this point in time. For example, who is he? Why is he in that room? What does he have to do with Vanitas? Also I feel as though the narrator shifted straight to Vanitas, rather than easing the transition from the man to Vanny. There were also some spelling errors (helmet, released and existence), and I do think you could do without the ellipses "...." when Vanitas is talking. Usually it's used to indicate a pause, but I don't think one was really needed for when Vanitas was speaking. Other than that, I'm curious as to where this story is going to go. Hope you update soon. c:
Thanks for the tip.I'll make chapter 2 and i'll do better. Chapter 2 "Destiny at it's place" On the main island,Sora was thinking about the letter King Mickey sent him.He knew it was from the king because on the letter was the king's seal. "Dear Sora, I wanted to tell you right away, About memories from the past that sleep within you, And about the pieces that will tie you to your future. Sora, Riku, Kairi, the truth behind the Keyblade, has found its way through so many people, and now I know that it rests in your hearts. Sora, you are who you are because of those people, but they're hurting, and you're the only one who can end their sadness. They need you. It's possible that all your journeys so far, have been preparing you for this great new task that's waiting for you. I should have known there were no coincidences, only links in a much larger chain of events. And now the door to your next journey is ready to be opened. -Mickey. "Memories hurting inside of me,what does that even mean"Sora said. Sora decided to go to Riku's house to talk about the letter. Sora walked along the dirt path that went through town.The town like always was busy with many people rushing by. Sora arrived at Riku's home,he knocked on the door and waited for his friend to come. "No answer,YO RIKU"Sora said. He noticed that the door was open.Sora walked inside to try to find his friend. The small home was messy and had some marks on the wall. "Someone had a wild party without me"Sora said as he walked up stairs to Riku's room. When he got into Riku's room,he found his friend who was badly hurt. "RIKU"! Sora helped up his injured friend and started talking. Riku started to talk about some weird blue creatures and some masked boy with a dark keyblade. "He's the one who did this"Riku said softly while in serious pain. He couldn't stand up and Sora called over Kairi via cell phone to get her to help Riku. "I'll be right over"Kairi said over the phone. About 15 minutes later,Kairi was helping Riku down to to the kitchen while Sora got an ice pack. "What happened to you"Kairi asked Riku. "Well you see,a masked boy about 15 years old came with some strange blue creatures. He came in and attacked me with a dark keyblade."Riku explained. "He kept asking me about someone named Ventus"Riku finnished. Then Sora's head started to ache,he held onto his head and then fainted. "Sora,Sora,SORAAAA"Kairi shouted to the boy in a coma. Inside his mind,a boy that looked like Roxas stood on an incomplete awakening pillar that was all white. Sora never knew about it and he thought it was a dream. Then a dusty wasteland came into sight,a bald man with a gray goatee with yellow eyes was talking to the masked boy Riku was talking about. Sora then saw the masked boy in a dark area,he was about to remove his helment untill flash of light appeared and Sora woke up. "Mornin' keyblade master"Kairi said Sora. "Guys,I think I'm seeing the memories that are hidden inside of me"Sora said to his friends.
Chapter 3"Xehanort" "What did you see"Riku asked. Sora began to talk about the boy who looked like Roxas and the masked boy Riku talked about. "And there was this old guy who was called Master Xehanort"Sora finished. Everyone was in shock. "Xehanort,Xehanort,Xehanort"a mysterious voice called to the 3 friends. "Who's there"Sora said with his keyblade ready to strike. The mysterious person that called to them appeared. It was the masked boy. "You"! "Its not polite to point you know"the masked boy said. He laughed at the 3 keyblade weilders. "Who are you"Kairi asked. "my name is Vanitas"the masked boy said to the female keyblade user. Sora's headache started to hurt even more. "Why is your name so,so familiar"Sora asked Vanitas. "Because of the person who made who you are today,that person is Ventus"Vanitas said to Sora. Sora's headache started to pound on his head. He let out a loud cry of pain. Vanitas chuckled at the pain filled boy. "Don't let him toy with you Sora,fight back for an advantage"Roxas said to Sora deep in his mind. Sora charged into Vanitas to make a critical strike but Vanitas dodged and counter-attacked Sora with a dark blast from his keyblade. Sora flinched and Riku jumped from his chair and tried to strike the dark keyblade user but he blocked the attack and slashed his keyblade right into Riku's arm. "I had enough of this"Vanitas said. He grabbed Kairi and left by the dark corridors. The heros got up and tried to get to the portal but it closed before they could reach it. "Its like Axel all over again"Sora said. "We need some help,but from who"Riku pondered. Then Sora saw Ventus and Mickey fight Vanitas in a dusty wasteland area. "We need the king"Sora said. Then a large puff of blue smoke appeared in front of them. When the smoke cleared,Merlin showed up. "This isn't the Radiant garden marketplace"Merlin said looking around. "Merlin"! "Hello Sora and whoever your friend's name is"Merlin greeted. "His name is Riku but we need a favor"Sora started. "We need to get to king Mickey"Sora said. "I know just the spell to do so,Morras Transportas"Merlin said as he began to do a spell. "3..2..1,MORRAS TRANSPORTAS"! Suddenly,the 2 friends disapered to Disney castle. Meanwhile at Disney castle's library. "I hope Sora got my letter"Mickey thought. "Are you okay your majesty hayuck"Goofy asked. "Huh,what,oh,I'm fine"Mickey replied. Then Sora and Riku appeared in the room but they were on the ceiling like the gravity turned upside down. "I think Merlin messed up the spell"Riku said to Sora. "I can see THAT"Sora remarked. The wizard in blue appeared next to Mickey and looked at Sora and Riku. "Oopsie daisies,I'll use my other spell"Merlin said. "1..2..3 GRAVERSE REVERSE"! Sora and Riku then fell to the floor..hard. Sora and Riku got up and explained everything to the king. "Vanitas is back"the shocked king said. "Master Yen sid was right,Master Xehanort is back"Mickey said.
What I like about this is that, so far, every chapter begins fresh and just continuing from the last chapter. However, you need to work on the formatting. It's hard to tell where each paragraph ends, and a lot of the time, I don't know who's saying what. To make it stand out, make it something like this: Sora: Hi, Donald and Goofy. Donald and Goofy: Hi, Sora!
I would do (INSERT NAME HERE)(INSERT SAYING HERE) but in my other story,I was told to do "(INSERT SAYING HERE)"(INSERT NAME HERE"said,asked,replied etc.)I'll work on the formatting on the paragraphs. Chapter 4"Castle attack" Sora:I have a feeling that the Xehanort we know is a fake. Sora:Ansem's apprentice Xehanort must originate from master Xehanort.The court wizard then looked up to the skylight to see that 2 small blue creatures and Vanitas were about to break through the glass. Donald:Look out!Vanitas broke through the glass skylight and landed on Mickey's desk,then lots and lots of the small blue creatures came into the library. Mickey:Its been awhile,Vanitas!The king jumped out of his chair and summoned his Starseeker keyblade.Mickey did a spinning slash but Vanitas dodged and blew a dark blast at Mickey but he used Reflega to block it.Mickey ran up to Vanitas to do a diagnal slash right into his head. Mickey landed the hit but it only made a small crack on Vanitas's helmet. Vanitas:You shouldn't have done that.Vanitas's keyblade began to glow and he slashed Mickey hard in the waist and was sent flying twords the wall. Rku:I can handle him.Riku used his dark aura attack but Vanitas sent them back to Riku.Riku threw his keyblade at Vanitas but 3 of the blue creatures went into the weapon's path to protect their master. Riku:I can't land a hit on him. Sora:Let me do this.Sora started to use Ragnorok but Vanitas prevented it by rapidly slashing him.Sora flinched and tried Ars Arcanium but Vanitas dodged and countered it with multible blasts of dark energy. Vanitas:Heh..weaklings.Then Donald and Goofy blocked the library door to prevent Vanitas from getting to the rest of the castle. Donald:Oh no you don't! Goofy:You may have hurt the king but hurting our friends is just to FAR!Goofy threw his sheild at Vanitas but he sliced it in half easily with his keyblade.Donald used Thundaga but Vanitas sent it back to Donald and it shocked him untill all of his feathers stood straight out. Sora:You..what did you to Kairi?! Vanitas:I took good "care" of her heheh.Vanitas and the blue creatures walked out of the library to reign chaos on the castle.Sora got up and ran out the door twords Vanitas. Riku:You can't do this you know!Riku was about to attack Vanitas untill a flash of light appeared and an armored boy appeared in front of Sora. Sora:Who are you? ???:My name is Ventus,Ven for short. Vanitas:I've been looking for you Ventus,I have made a "playdate" with you and my "friends".Vanitas summoned 3 giant creatures and a few smaller ones behind him. Vanitas:Prepair to perish! Chapter 5"Battle in the Colonnade" The giant creature that looks like Gaurd armour pounded its fist to thre floor as Riku dodged the claws of the two small creatures. Sora:Riku,look out for that hammer!The giant creature with the hammer tried to strike Riku but Ventus hurled his keyblade into the giant's head and it faded into nothing. Ventus:I'll take on the Trinity armour,Sora go take down the Wheel master! Sora:The one with the big wheel? Ventus:Thats the one.Ventus used Aeroga on himself to cause more damage to the Trinity armour and rapid-slashed its hand.Ventus ran up its other arm and striked the head to finish it off. Ventus:Take the Iron imprisioner while I take out the smaller Unversed.Riku nodded and used his dark aura attack to hit the Iron imprisioner.The hammer using Unversed tried to block the attack but Mickey jumped in and whamed the Unversed in the head causing it to take the dark aura's impact. Riku:Now thats what I call a head-shot!Sora went into Valor form and rapidly striked the wheel master before it could attack.He was about to do the finishing blow when multible Flood Unversed dogpiled on to him. Ventus:Hang on Sora!Ventus used Magnega to pull the Floods together and used Thundaga to wipe them out.Sora destroyed the Wheel master and took on the smaller Unversed with Ventus and Riku. Sora and Rike used Eternal session and Ventus used a flurry of air based attacks combined with the limit attack made a new limit called Air blade. Vanitas:I'll be somewhere that you don't know yet hehe!Vanitas disapeared via corridor of darkness.Suddenly 2 chipmunks ran up to Mickey. Chip:Are you guys ok? Dale:We'll heard noises and ran up here as fast as we can! Mickey:Everyones ok,but we need to go to some other worlds to find Vanitas.About 15 minutes later,everyone except Ventus got in the Gummi ship. Mickey:Why are you not getting in? Ventus:I can use my keyblade to travel to other worlds by transforming it into a glider.Ventus instantly transformed his keyblade into its glider form and took off with the others. Meanwhile in Radiant garden. Cid:Somethin' is messing with the CLAYMORE. Yuffie:I just saw it go outside of town when it normaly can't. Leon:That aside,right now theres some strange creatures attacking the the repaired bailey and are trying to bust down the gate that leads into the town. BOOOOOOM! Cid:Looks like yer' creatures got in.The Unversed made it through the gate and went to the Borough.They swarmed around wreaking havoc on the area. Leon:These things are harder than than Heartless.Leon ran out of Merlin's house and started slashing Unversed.Yuffie ran outside and threw her ninja stars at the attacking Unversed. Aerith:I hope Sora will arrive to help.Suddenly a flash in the sky appeared and Sora with the others fell to the ground. Sora:The..um...? Ventus:Unversed. Sora:Yeah the Unversed.Sora and Riku charged into battle to stop the attack.Sora slashed the Floods and Riku striked the Scrappers.The 2 heros fought on and on but the Unversed keep coming. Sora:I think we are totaly in trouble. Riku:For once you actualy pay attention.
Actually, "insert saying here" said XXX is the proper dialogue format for a short story. XXX: "insert saying here" is the dialogue format for a play. However, you should try to avoid using "said" too much though. If only one character is talking, you can stop using the speaker tags (said XXX, exclaimed XXX) after every line. You can also spice it up by using words like "yelled XXX" or "exclaimed XXX", again, mainly to avoid overusing "said". That being said, I think you need to pace yourself with the story a bit. The action is going by really fast, and it doesn't leave much, if any, room for character development. I know we all know the characters, but since this is an alternate story, we should get to know them a bit more closely. Most importantly, how Vanitas and Ventus returned on their own being a major plot point you should cover. Other than that, I like the direction of the story so far, and I hope you update soon. c:
That was just my advice, though, which isn't written in stone. Anyway, I agree with Plums. You need to take it slower and put more into character development. The way you have it now makes it look like a race between two people.
Chapter 5"The siege of Radiant garden" Back and forth,Sora,Riku,and Ven took down unversed as Leon tried to get info on them."Well,these guys sure ain't heartless,thats for sure"Cid said as he worked on the CLAYMORE."Times up",a mysterious voice called and tons of bullets rained down on the attacking unversed.When the unversed were gone,a man with a red cloak stood before them."Weaklings"the man said,he held a gun and looked quite strange."Vincent,is that you"Cid said to the man."Huh"Sora said.Vincent was about to say something to Vincent when Vanitas suddenly appeared."Well,it seems that castle was too well protected"mocked Vanitas."By the way Ven,how did you come back".Vanitas moved his sight to Ven."I really don't know,but I will take you down again"!Vanitas charged into Ven but he dodged and counterattacked with Aero."You've gotten stronger but I learned some new moves".Vanitas cloaked his keyblade in darkness and summoned some dark energy balls that swirled around his weapon and chucked his keyblade right into Ven's head.Ven was thrown into a wall and his helmet shattered to reveal what he really looks like."You look just like Roxas"exclaimed Sora who was shocked."Such a shame,I am enjoying this fight Ven"mocked Vanitas.Vanitas was about to use another attack but two keyblades hit him in the head hard causing it to crack even more."Hang on my half"!Suddenly,Roxas jumped in by a strange flash of light and caught his weapons."Seems like Ven called in a buddy".Vanitas summoned a dark claw that picked up Roxas and threw him over the town wall and landed in the great maw."This is just not my day".Sora dashed up to Vanitas and slashed him right in the torso and kicked him in the head to reveal part of his face."You got lucky Sora,but I still have my princess of heart"mocked Vanitas.Vanitas regenerated his broken helmet and left through the dark corridor. Meanwhile in Twilight town's old mansion Kairi was in the computer room tied to a chair that was in front of a ray-like machine with sharp needles pointed at her heart.She couldn't break free and no one could her cries for help."Sora,please help"thought Kairi who was about to cry.Vanitas then returned and made a mischeivious look at Kairi."Hows it going"mocked Kairi.She had a tear coming down her eye and looked really scared."I brought a snack",Vanitas took an orange from his pocket and held it in front of Kairi's mouth."I'm not really hungry"said the scared Kairi.Vanitas crushed the orange and grabbed a small book from a nearby table."I'll read you my favorite book"Vanitas mocked again.Kairi nodded no and Vanitas threw the book to the floor.He started to "examine" Kairi and walked twords the strange machine.He disabled it and began to remove his helmet."Please don't do what I think you're gonna do"shrieked Kairi.When Vanitas removed his helmet,Kairi was in complete shock."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"!
