Kingdom Hearts: Betryal's Rose

HEY! Well this is my first fan fic in a long time, so if you see a gazillion mistakes, excuse my terrible editing skills. Of course I'm having my own character in the story, so this should be very fun!

Betrayal’s Rose
~Prologue~
"This is insane, you really think I can do it?" asked the voice of 16 year old Vienna, talking to her friend Monique.
"Go and talk to him! You won't go anywhere if you don't start now!" replied Monique.
Monique and Vienna both lived in Radiant Gardens, both went to school there and Vienna was being pressured by Monique to tell Sam, Vienna's long time love, that she loved him.
"But what if he thinks I'm an idiot! Then I'll be the master of ******s!" I whined, killing time.
“Go tell him! You’re about to leave in three days, wondering what could’ve happened!” said Monique.
“Mo! I’ll hurt you later then.” I said, feeling like it was battle exams again, when I found out I had the power to wield a Keyblade, the people staring at you like you were some kind of freak. “Bad memories!” I thought walking toward where Sam and Courtney had walked toward. I hid in the corner, and grabbed the Star (aka Thallassa) Shell; I had found visiting Destiny Islands, where I met my friends Sora, Riku, and Kairi.
“Here goes nothing…” I thought turning to where he was, but I regretted it later. There he was, kissing Courtney, tears flooded my eyes, he saw me, and started walking toward me, but it was too late. I had dropped the shell and ran. Ran as far as I could go. Passing Monique without a word I kept running out of the school, away from my fears…

Chapter One: Lost and Found
“Vienna?” said the voice of the one and only Destiny Island trio. “WHAT!!? Where am I?” I said breathing heavily. “You’re at Destiny Islands, we found you on the shore and brought you to my house.” said Kairi. “Is she ok?” asked Roxas and Namine. “That’s a good question. Vienna are you ok?” asked Sora. “I’m fine! Just tell me how I got here!” I snapped. “Well… we don’t know.” said Riku, rubbing his silvery hair. “Maybe if you think hard enough, you’ll remember!” suggested Roxas. “Fine…” I said, thinking about the past events. “Ok, I ran… and OH MY GOSH!!!!!” I yelled. “She found out, she has dark powers.” said Roxas. “How do you know?” asked Namine. “Ok, well when I was in the Organization, well Xemnas talked about a somebody whose name was Vienna, who was gifted with Dark powers, and my theory is she got hear by a portal. Am I right?” Roxas said. “Um sure whatever.” I said. “Well, now I’m not going back to school.” I thought. “Hey Vienna, do you want to go shopping with me? You’re going to need some more summer clothes, because that outfit isn’t going to do you good!” said Kairi. “You’re right…” I said, picking myself up, getting my aquamarine blue hair out of my face. “Let’s go!” Kairi said running to the square. “Fun…” I thought.

 

Chapter Two: Looking For Answers
~ Sam’s Point Of View ~
My name is Samuel Reynaldi, I’m 17 and I just made the worst mistake of my life. I had just kissed Courtney when I saw that Vienna was watching. So now I want to find her. And ask for forgiveness, but now I only have pieces of a broken Thallassa Shell and a mission. So what do I do now? Wait for answers or look for them? I choose look.
Sam was running down the halls of Radiant Garden High, looking for Monique, who was crying in an empty classroom. “Hey Monique! Have you seen Vienna?†I asked, hoping for a reply. “NO!!!!!!!! Now go away because of you she’s gone!†Monique yelled and stormed off, grabbing her wand, and casting a Blizzaga spell on me, leaving me, Sam frozen, until someone defrosted me. “This sucks.†I said. As I ran to the exit of the school, I saw that Cloud was watching me.
“Sam.†he said, gesturing for me to follow him.
“Ok..?†I said.
Cloud lead me to this building, where I saw that Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Aerith, Leon, and Zack, were standing in.
“Welcome Sam!†said Aerith.
“Ok? Um, why am I here?†I asked.
“Well… you well…†started Aerith.
“ARE NEEDED!†finished Yuffie.
“Ok. For what?†I asked.
“Well, because of you, our safeguard, a Keyblade wielder, is well GONE!†said Zack.
“You mean Vienna?â€
“Yes.†said Leon.
“And this has to do with me?â€
“WELL Mr. I’m better than anyone doesn’t know anything! They told me he was smarted that this!†said Cloud.
“And that’s supposed to mean?â€
“Oh shut it. Just listen.†said Yuffie.
“Ok, anyways, YOU’RE going to have to find Vienna. Before… well Organization XIII is back and looking for her, since she was the 14th member.†said Leon.
“Wow. And it’s my fault?â€
“YES!†they all yelled.
“Don’t pressure the boy too much. He’s only 17.†said the voice of Cid.
“And what do you want me to do?†I asked.
“Do you know how to drive a Gummi Ship? And do you have a weapon?†asked Cloud.
“Yes and yes.†I said, taking out my Mystic Blade. “I’m gifted with the ability of magic, and swords fighting.
“That will do for now.†said Cid, standing up, gesturing for me to follow him, to the Gummi Shop.
“Hey Cid!†said Chip and Dale.
“Hey. I need a Gummi Ship. Now.†Cid replied.
“OK! Right away!†said Chip, grabbing some keys.
“Here you go!†said Dale.
“Well, here you go kid, just don’t kill yourself.†said Cid, handing me the keys.
“Um, thanks?†I said getting on the ship, getting out, and heading to the place where I know that Vienna would go. Destiny Islands.

~ Vienna’s Point of View ~
“So Vienna, what kind of clothes do you like?!†asked Kairi, as we were at the clothes shop in the town square.
“Um I like a lot of stuff-†I started but then I saw the perfect outfit. It was a black mini skirt, with a red tank top; the skirt had an outline of a star in the front, of course to match with my Dream Caster Keyblade.
“I’m getting this!†I announced, grabbing the outfit, and running to the cashier.
“Ok. That was easy.†said Kairi, following me.
“Ok, that will be 500 munny.†said the cashier.
“Here you go! said, handing the munny.
“Have a good day!†the cashier said, giving me my bag.
“Well, since that was quick, how about we go see the guys shall we?†Kairi asked.
“Sure.†I said, remembering what I had done only hours before. “I wonder how Sam is…â€

 

hey this is a great fanfic, but the only problem is that, no offense, the chapters are a little short.
keep up the good work! =D

 

Yeah... I'm working on the shortness, but I'm so happy I have a reader!!! YAY!
Oh and here's a new chapter!!!! YAY!! *its long!*

Chapter 3: Dream Caster
“So where to now?” I asked Kairi, who was busily checking off stores we had already visited on a check list.
“Um, omigod it’s Selphie!” she replied, running toward her friend.
“Hey Kairi! And who’s this?” Selphie asked, looking toward me.
“Oh that’s Vienna, she’s from Radiant Gardens, and came over here because… wait why did you come?” said Kairi turning toward me.
“Err, um… well it’s a long story,” I started.
“We have time, don’t we Selphie?”
“Yup, I don’t have to be home till eight, and it’s only 2.”
“Well, ok…”
Time passed as I told them about Sam, Courtney, Monique, and all my daily troubles, and up to when I found out I could use a Keyblade.
“So what’s the Keyblade’s name?” asked Kairi in awe.
“Dream Caster,” I said summoning it.
“It’s so cool!” said Selphie.
“It’s interesting, it just doesn’t match your personality.” said Kairi.
“That what I’ve been thinking about. It matches half of my personality, the other half is just not in here.” I said.
“Exactly, sometimes keyblades do that,” said Kairi referring to her flowery keyblade.
“At least you guys get to use one! I’m stuck with whatever I can lay my hands on!” said Selphie.
“Aww poor Selphie!” said Kairi laughing.
“So are we going to dye her hair? If the Org’s looking for her, she’s going to change that hair!” said Selphie, standing up from the chair, grabbing my hand, and soon enough we running toward the hair salon.
“What colors?” asked the hair stylist.
“Black and red.” I said, twirling my blue hair. A new me, I thought.
~ Back To Sam! ~
The screams of the 17 year old boy were the only things that were heard on the ship. He had well pressed the wrong button on the ship and was crash landing in The World That Never Was. He of course missed finals on Gummi Ship driving.
“Damn it, why did I have to miss finals!” Sam muttered as he saw the now crashed ship.
“Cursing yourself won’t help you,” a fiery voice said.
Sam turned around and looked everywhere.
“Who are you?” Sam yelled.
“You are forgetful,” the voice replied and out of the shadows came the red head himself, Axel.
“Hello Sam,” Axel said.
“Axel!” Sam yelled.
“Why so shocked?”
“Did you take her?? Where is she?”
“Who? What are you talking about Sam, wow,” Axel said rubbing his head, “You must be going insane.”
“No I’m not! If this is a trick the org is playing on me just tell me where she is!”
“Who are you talking about Sam… oh I remember now!” Axel said, smiling to himself.
“Do you have her?”
“No, we don’t have her, but soon we will and her nobody as well.”
“What! She has a nobody?!”
“Yes, of course she does! And her nobody, better for us, is her true personality! With her on our side, we could make up for Roxas, since he was a dual wielder, and she is too… so that helps us!” Axel said proudly.
“What…?”
“Well kid nice knowing you, you can’t be here, or anywhere, they sent me to destroy you, get it memorized, it will be the last time you hear that!” Axel’s chakrams flaring up.
“Ready for battle?” Axel said and then lashed his chakram against Sam’s arm, which was now a bloody mess. Sam quickly grabbed his blade and dodged another blow. The metal clashed as Sam hit the chakrams and used Hydroga.
“Water won’t help you!” Axel yelled as the water evaporated.
“Crud! Now what do I do!?” Sam thought as he hit another chakram.
“Stop being a wimp and fight!” Axel yelled as he slammed his chakram against Sam’s face, which now had blood gushing down. Sam fell to the floor. He couldn’t see anything.
“This is the end!”
“Imperta!” someone screamed, stopping time itself.
“Sam, are you ok?” asked a voice of a girl.
“Michelle?” Sam whispered.
“One and only, what the heck is wrong with you!? Fighting Axel?! For God’s sake, we need to get you cleaned up, can you walk?” Michelle asked.
“I don’t know,” Sam muttered. He felt so stupid being saved by a girl.
“Well we’re going to have to hurry, Imperta has a time limit you know,” Michelle said, helping Sam up and walking him back to her Gummi Ship.
“Michelle why are you here? In the World That Never Was… OW!” Sam winced.
“Well if you stop moving it wouldn’t burn that much!” Michelle said impatiently as she soaked Sam’s face with a potion. “I was sent here by the gang in Radiant Garden, ya know Cloud and the rest, they thought you would need some assistance in your journey, plus they knew you missed finals in Gummi Ship driving,” Michelle continued as she patted Sam’s face with a sponge.
“All done,” Michelle said.
“Thanks,” Sam said as he sat down on a chair.
“So, where to know?”
“Who said you were going with me?”
“I did,”
“No, you belong in Radiant Gardens where it’s safe,”
“You’re not making me go back and you know that, plus Monique told me to annoy you as much as possible and being her sister and all and Vienna’s second best friend, I have as much right to come.”
“Michelle you’re impossible,”
“I know I am, now I’m going to be driving, since I didn’t miss finals,” Michelle said as she got in the drivers seat.
“Destiny Islands,” Sam said before Michelle could ask anything.
“Okay then, hold on!” Michelle said as she pressed a button and the ship started to fly.
“So what’s her Keyblade’s name?” Michelle asked.
“I really don’t know…” Sam muttered.
“WHAT?! You don’t even know your own girlfriend’s keyblade?!” Michelle screamed.
“She’s not my girlfriend.” Sam glared at Michelle.
“Oh right your with Courtney the wh-“Michelle didn’t finish her sentence since Sam had his blade at hand.
“Sorry,” Michelle muttered.
“It’s alright, sorta” Sam replied looking at his bandaged arm.
“We’re going to find her, before the Org does.”
“What if we don’t Michelle?”
“Well, we’re doomed.”
“You’re sure optimistic,”
“Well, you’ll see more of my wonderful optimistic self on the trip.”
“Great,”
“Okay, we can’t have sarcasm too!”
~*~ Vienna ~*~
“So Vienna, how do you like your new look?” Selphie asked, looking at my layered black hair.
“I think it’s better than before,” I said, laughing.
“So what are we going to do now? Meet up with the guys?” Kairi asked.
“Just because you want to be with Sora, doesn’t mean you get to drag all of us!” Selphie said laughing.
“Sure,” I said, laughing as well.
So the three girls started walking toward the dock when they saw a different girl, one they haven’t seen on the island, well Selphie and Kairi have never seen her…
“Valencia,” I muttered.
“Who?” Kairi and Selphie asked simultaneously.
“She’s,” I gulped, “my nobody.”
“Hold up! You’ve killed yourself?!” Kairi shot.
“Yeah, I have killed myself, that’s how Valencia comes in,” I muttered.
“WHY?!” Selphie screamed.
“Are you emo!? Did you wish for death!?” Kairi’s voice had some hysteria in it.
“I told you my Keyblade only matched half of me,” I said.
“Oh my gosh Vienna,” Kairi muttered to herself.
But then Valencia saw them.
“Run!” I hissed as we dashed into the nearest store, hoping Valencia wouldn’t see them.
“Vienna,” a voice hissed.
“Crap.” I thought before answering, “Valencia,” I said curtly.
“I see you have friends with you,” Valencia said, indifferently.
“Yeah, and?” I asked.
“Oh it makes the game much more fun.” Valencia said, chuckling and then snapped. All of the sudden seven heartless surround the group.
“Oh my God,” Kairi and Selphie said.
“Well, I must leave, I wouldn’t want to kill you all right away, so I’ll let the heartless do that,” Valencia said, smirking and then disappeared.
“So…” I said, as Kairi summoned her keyblade, and I followed. Selphie got out her blitzball and threw it up.
“Ready?” Kairi asked, swinging her keyblade.
“Bring it,” I said, slamming Dream Caster against a heartless. The fight began.

 

a couple of suggestions. Since you are creating a work that is dialogue heavy, you might want to add a blank line between each line of dialogue, that way it's easier for the reader to distinguish when the lines switch characters, plus it doesn't feel as rushed, nor blocky.

One thing you may want to consider is lightening up on dialogue and describing the scene a little bit. The smallest detail can lure the reader in and make them feel that they are there.

I know this hasn't been given a load of support around here, but i'm glad to see that you didn't just let it die and sink to the clutches of memory, well done.

 

sweet im looking forward to thenext one! ;D

 

Yeah...
i need to lighten up the dialouge...lol
thanks for the tips! im happy that people are readng my story
ill try harder in the next chapter