KHV Confessions

I regret. These sorts of posts are too open, I know the lot of you will be disgusted by my professed lack of hygiene. I would delete but, what good would it do, people have seen. And why, deleting because of embarrassment over hygiene? So stupid, I could say much more embarrassing things. I've a feeling the mean comment that was held up would have been directed to me, who else. Hm. Don't regret over your opening up, a little venting in vehemence never did no one no harm.

But I've no advice to give, since I am probably one of your problems.

 

Thank you for this. I don't know I'm so hard on myself

I think it's because he's so cynical and sarcastically evil? I love villainous characters like that. Like when he told Sora to beg I couldn't help but laugh at first. Yep horrible person


EDIT: I've been on this site for years and I still just accidentally quote posts from pages ago without realizing there were so many other replies.

I wish I could give everyone a huge hug. The majority of you haven't gotten to know me very well, but nobody here deserves to suffer as much as they do. You are all wonderful in your own ways, and I just want everyone to be happy ;-;

 

Oh good, I'm not the only horrible person around. XD (/didn't cry when Mufasa died, probably going to hell for such)
I've always loved cynical, sarcastic, evil villains. Haven't the faintest why.

 

I like Scar, but I cried when Mufasa died. I cried because of Simba. I wasn't attached to Mufasa as a character, but the feeling of losing someone as a child is something that I could relate to.

 

Oh Simba did get me emotional, I just don't ever remember crying. Makes me kinda sad..
Honestly I have trouble relating to people about loosing people import to them because I never have lost someone close to me. When my best friend's father died I didn't know what to say, I do everything I can for her, but I know that void will never be filled and I can't imagine the kind of pain that leaves. Loosing him was very saddening to me too, I couldn't sleep for days after his passing and still get emotional now and then, but I know it's not the same kind of pain she fealt and still feels.

 

More random stuff

- I find myself turning into a super villain. I'm not crazy smart like most super villains, so I can't create terrible things that can destroy the world. Still, I can't help but find myself slowly slipping away. I sympathize with evil characters as well, like Light Yagami from Death Note and Johnny Depp's portrayal of Sweeney Todd. When I went to go see Chronicle earlier this year, I completely understood what kind of character Andrew was. I was even cheering him on in some of the messed up stuff that he does. I find that I have a very twisted mind that is not going to go away any time soon. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm not.

- There are some members that I do not dislike for various reasons. Thankfully, I don't have to talk to them. Some of the people I dislike, I can sympathize with to an extent, but there are those that I avoid all together because they've done too much wrong to make things right.

- The first real crush I ever had was with Kairi from the Kingdom Hearts games. I don't care if people think that's sad, it's true.

- I like some hentai. Not the full on explicit stuff, but ones that have a good story and are very romantic (I think the term is vanilla).

- I constantly think that people are just bull shitting me whenever I get some kind of complement, whatever it may be. I don't see myself as a good person at all. Whenever someone gives me some kind of praise or good complement I think that they are patronizing me and are not really sincere in what they say.

 

I've been trying to avoid this thread as much as possible, mainly because I disliked the thought of seeing everyone else's problem and then feeling obligated by guilt to post about my own. But I caved so

• I'm a very private when it comes to my troubles after my grandpa passed away last year. I shelter most of myself away from people because I hated feeling attached only for them to just be gone. However, I've always been like this on KHV, since I've lost all contact with one of my first friends, and practically lost it with three of my best friends (two of whom I'm beginning to get back into talking with).
  
  
• I dunno if it's mild or not, but I do know I have Asperger's Syndrome. It's been apparent since I was really young and didn't really get out there and find friends. Even now, even though I'm no longer as timid when talking to people, I only have seven people at my school who I'm close to, and only three of whom (with one on their way) I am completely myself around.
  
  
• I've gotten really, well, intensely lolol jealous of someone on here in recent times, and I really hate the fact it consumed me like it did in some moments. I really think it's because I honestly do think they are a really great person with v. great talent, but I am so insecure about myself that I belittled all of my abilities into, well, nothing.
  
  
• I love to write, but at times I just don't feel accomplished with it at all. My friends, family and teacher say that I'm really good, but I just feel so...stagnant in where I am now. I wish I could do more things like different poetic forms or experimental things, but I just find myself shrinking back into the style I know best ("write ALL the fluff!").
  
  
• I have a deep-rooted dislike in conflict. It makes me physically ill sometimes. Whenever trouble comes up and it involves me, I either shrink away or just try to ignore it all together. However, I really hate when friends argue or feel bad, and do not rest until I make them feel better about themselves -- even at the cost of sleep or my own state of mind.
  
  
• Honestly? The past few months I feel like I've been doing an absolute horrible job as staff, and frequently considered quitting. My sections are entirely dead, and PotS/PanS and Book Club were a bust. I just felt like I let Claw down -- hell, all the staff down, when my job was so simple to do. And I barely even post myself in Lit or the Nook because it depresses me so much inside.
  
  
• Also, I get really angry whenever I look at the Nook and only the KHV fanfictions have replies. Everyone works hard on their work, and at least deserves some form of unbiased, genuine critique.
  
  
• I purposefully ostracize myself from the community at times. I just get so freaked out whenever someone sends me a VM/PM/MSN message, I don't know what to say and feel like I'll embarrass myself forever (which is an effect of the Aspergers). This is usually why if I need to, I message other people myself, so I feel like I have a heads up on the conversation instead of feeling like I'm being trapped.
  
  
• I am so ashamed of myself for not really being there for my brothers the past year. Since my grandpa had died, I locked myself off in my room, and never came down much. And when I did, they would always prod me with "hey alex how's the attic oh man it's attic alex!" that I would honestly sometimes cry myself to sleep. It was only recently when I learned of the Aspergers thing did I decide tto come down more, and they didn't make fun of me because they're *******s -- it was because they needed me. They needed me to be a proper role model and play with them, and I let them down.
  
  
• I have lots of daddy issues. My father was incarcerated most of my childhood, and only really came back into my life at 9 or so (basically he was only in my life for half of it). Essentially, my mother played both Mommy and Daddy for me, so I ended up softer compared to my brothers. And even now he still goes off into the streets and such, and had even stolen things from our home. And...honestly, sometimes I do wish I were closer to him and more of a "man" that I am, but I also think that I am okay with who and what I am making for myself, and that's really what matters in the end.

And that's it for now. Will post again with more whenever.

 

Spoiler: confession

I really hate this thread and it makes me want to vomit. It makes me feel like my feelings are being molested, and I can't shake the fear that if I open up, I will beyond regret it when we're all done being vulnerable and saying we love each other, despite nothing ever changing.

Also, for those reasons. Except in the last bit, it's more like, it makes me mad that I can't handle my own problems and thus I've refused to post here seriously, and still am refusing.

Edit: But dat guilt. Plums help me. /sobs

 

Spoiler: spoiler upon spoiler

I regret too, and all I posted was of my personal hygiene. That's nothing. Do I regret, well that truly was nothing. I thought to post another post from another thread from another forum, but deemed it too personal. The thread was: have you ever considered suicide? And I am not suicidal, before a person thinks to ask. No, it was too personal not because it was suicidal, but because I came off as a tad deranged in it, mentally absent, loco. To be honest I think my thoughts perfectly rational, but I think others might think them irrational so, what's the point. None of you will be able to identify, my problems seem of a different kind. I assume, I assume. Worth a shot, however dark. I will post not for others' reading, but for my own, so I can get a sense of satisfaction; feel as if I contributed to this thread.

I've no confessions really, but posting this makes me uncomfortable: my thoughts unedited, unfiltered, candid as could be. Posting any post from that forum in particular would have me uncomfy, given the subject matter, and I am more myself there than here. And if I want to contribute, vomit some confessions, surely posting what makes me uncomfy is a start.

Spoiler: a safe skip over

I dare myself with these thoughts, but it is usually nothing very serious. It is not depressive in its nature. What happens when I die? How could I commit the deed unheeded? Curiosity, curiosity. It is something like how I deal with heights. Heights frighten me, they pull me towards the edge; I am afraid that, I could be momentarily reduced to a more primitive mindset. Momentarily blinded, pursuing the impulse. In that fast moment I could have jumped the summit, plummeting to my death. Suicidal thoughts are like that, for me. Mistrustful of myself, give me a gun and I might blow my head off for no other reason than because I can. These are curious thoughts, what-if scenarios. The adrenaline-pursuer in me is wont to kill me, and I am not wont to listen to the maniac.

otoh were these thoughts depressive in their nature, I doubt I could pull the trigger. 's different: pulling the trigger whilst absent of thought, and contemplating pulling the trigger, considering suicide. Very different indeed. I imagine I could not, too cowardly a person to purposely kill myself. But suicidal thoughts are not below me.

Now, something interesting. What-if scenarios. What if I was wont to purposely kill myself, how would I do the deed. I've thought of this. And I think, the manner in which I might do away with myself is different than yours. A bullet to the head, a deep drop, a noose, sleeping pills & alcohol. The chance of failure for those is too high, and the mind-set it would require of me too purposeful. Starvation might suit me, tho. Perhaps the pains are greatly underexaggerated in my imagings, I impatiently skip to the finale, in which my eyes begin to droop and I am lulled off to my death; I could die by remaining impassive, unchoosing, I pull nothing. I could just lay to my death, so much simpler. In reality it couldn't be so perfect, tho could it. A hefty price to pay for my impassivity, inevitable pangs of pain. I would think, however, that were I truly wont to die - were I truly wont to not have to choose, the hungers could be ignored.

I have starved myself in the past years ago, but not for the reasons you might think. I'd nigh choked several times, causing me to fear foods. Of choking, and thus of the involved process: eating. So I stopped eating, for some nondescript days I can't recall. My mother had to bring me to the hospital, or so she says, so they could force-feed me. These periods of starvation I can't recall, it was implied I starved myself for more than a few days... or, enough days. Enough so that my body weight was very verily diminished...

note: downside to self-starving: an impossibility unless you live alone, well away from those that care about your wellbeing

the point - if I did it as a child, I could do it again couldn't I.
Isn't it a good thing I am not wont to kill myself!
Tickin' time bomb.

*insert failed attempts at distracting from the above text, too revealing maybe*

I would be lying if I said that in posting this, I'd no intentions of aiding Jayn's inevitable posting along. I wink.

 

Umm, I can see this thread is clearly upsetting people. Maybe it should be closed...

*hugs*

 

This is all very touching, but I don't need any hugs. Not because of that post, at least. The thing is, people thought me upset and will probably think me upset, but I was more than calm in writing that. Maybe I am being too cold, hm. Thanks, the sentiment is appreciated. But the reasoning behind it has lost me.

 

Very well. If you wish I can edited the part out.

 

No, no, that's not necessary. Now I'm embarrassed, skedaddle out this thread I will. That was nice of you, still. Thanks for caring.

Also, I hope my post convinces others to post...? Namely, a certain someone. /blunt

Edit: but who am I to push someone forth, force them even, onto the podium. To post. It would be an appreciated read, tho... Nvm if she or others don't want to, then perhaps you shouldn't. I am maybe too pushy.

 

Remember guys, nobody's making you confess anything, so don't feel obliged to share everything...just wanted to say.

Another small thing, I sometimes just would like to have a girlfriend to make her wear cute clothing >.>

 

Very well. And you're welcome, ma'dam.

It is his choice if he chooses to post or not.

Indeed.

Okay, I'm curious. What would you make her wear?

 

The thing is, I am a pathetically open person so something like this shouldn't bother me, but it does. x: I don't know. It is inevitable. I'll sleep on it.

 

I haven't really dwelled on the subject, but some things would be cute laced shirts and cute skorts and pretty sandals and stuff, things that make her look beautiful rather than "hot".

Of course, I'm not going to force a girl to wear stuff. Except for the Rinoa cosplay...

 

Do not let it bother you. If you do not wish to reveal something about yourself then there is nothing to worry about. Even if you did, no one is going to judge for it.

You said you don't like this thread because it "makes you feel like your feelings are being molested". There is nothing wrong with that. Really, is there nothing more human then feeling sympathy, pity, joy, sorrow for another human being? At the end of the day, everyone in this thread is human; we aren't strange. We are all have hopes and dreams, and messy, fucked up insecurities about being alive and happy.

You feel the way you do because you recognise your flaws and needs and desires in others. And in some way you believe, deep down, that everyone deserves to be happy.

So I quote my sig: You are not alone, and you are not strange. You are you, and everyone has damage.

So, if you have a girlfriend, the first chance you can get her in a Rinoa costume you'll take it? At least you have your priorities straight.

 

It's doesn't have to be anything serious or super revealing. It can be anything. It just so happened the thread turned out this way. xD

Despite being the 'Manliest Man';

• I Still cry at Disney films (never have I cried so much during a film than Eight Below). Actually, I cry during a lot of films.
• I want a wee lassie so I can dote on her and make her wear cute outfits
• I absolutely cannot stand to see people cry, especially friends or children. I have to hug them.
• I dislike conflict/arguments and I cannot hit people (Though for some reason folk think I'm a violent person lol). I dislike arguing simply because I can't argue and I can't stand upsetting people. xD I'm quite a softy. ;__;
• I love eating a certain type of cold sausage with peanut butter or cheese.
• I love salty things.
• I love to cuddle things when I sleep. Though one time I managed to toss a massive bear I was cuddling (about 3 ft tall) to the door on the other side of the room. That, and I punched Sammy in the face once when we were sleeping. xD ...Or was it twice? Not that I was cuddling Sammy but I wanted to
• Despite being called Kitty I prefer dogs. Though if I had Felicia I'd probably change my mind.
• Misty used to scare me
• I hate unwarranted praise. The only way I'll accept it is if I feel I did my best with the job or have done something that is praise worthy.
• Girly, Mish and Sammy stole my innocence.