KHV Confessions

First off, I would like to say how happy I am that so many people opened up in this thread. I firmly believe that there is such a thing as bottling too much up for too long. Even if this is only just a small way of helping, you can now know you're not alone.

• I often feel as if I hate nearly all of the people who attend school with me.

• For all of the people who I tell my problems to, a lot of them think that I'm always lying, no matter what I say, and so I like keeping a lot of my secrets bottled up because I'm scared of what people will think. That's why it was so entirely embarrassing that I posted that thread last night, because I figured I would be accused of faking it.​

 

• I find the eccentricities of people both alluring and charming. I like those that don't follow norm unknowingly or intentionally.
• I believe that everything connects together, and at times I feel like I can 'see' those connections. It feels overwhelming and extraordinary, a state of being that I've never really been able to describe.
• What i see in the mirror is not me, it is not how i see myself.
• No one will be able to keep up with my thoughts, my visions and my general disposition. This likely delusional, but it feels a daunting task anyway.
• I am scared of myself. At times I know what I'm doing thigs that i shouldnt, or know somethings happening when it shouldn't be happening. The feeling that I'm watching a movie and that I can't do anything. It scares me incredibly so.
• I've never been in a relationship before. Never asked. Too fearful of rejection.
• I fear I will forever be alone from my fear of never being able to tell someone 'I can't live without you'
• I have sexually experimented with two of my male friends about 6 or 7 years ago. Not done anything since.
• I feel like this site doesn't appreciate me for who I am or maybe how much of my life I've actually put in here. I've been here for 5 years and felt like only recently (this last year) that I've started to connect properly with members. I feel like people don't care, or don't bother. Then again I don't feel like its anyone's fault, I just think the way I click with people isn't how most people connect.
• I watch too much pr0n.
• I have a number of fetishes, both sexual and non sexual. All I find arousing in some nature.
• I don't know what I am sexually, I have been hetero, homo, bi, omni and asexual but I don't feel like I fit into anyone. In the end, I just go with what I feel, who I am and the flow.
• I dream of companionship.
• I've felt better in general these last few years then ever before.
• I feel like I've been through some of the toughest experiences I ever could have in my life.
• At the age of 15, I believe I developed a form of Schozophrenia.
• The name Kam comes from the voice that 'influenced' me, Sage came from the quiet wisdom it seemed to give me. All of It poison and fake. It took me 3 years to properly get it under control and now I feel more 'grounded'

Idk... I feel a little verbose and needy to confess this, and it just makes me seem pathetic. But oh well.

People have surprised me on here, I never would have thought of some people doing or feeling such things. But to be honest, I feel more highly of those brave enough to confess some of their more disgraceful moments. I like it.

I think the the Misfit Family did a beautiful job in summing up the idea with the quote: 'Together, We Misfit'

That fits the members of this site lovingly.

 

You're welcome for us providing that quote.

 

Late to the party as usual ... oh well ...

- I have a huge inferiorty complex. I feel like nothing I do is ever good enough I there is always something I could do wrong and I never seem to enjoy doing well any more.
- I got straight As last year which pretty much gave me a gateway into any course I could hope to do at university ... and I didn't feel anywhere near as happy as I thought I should.
- I am utterly terrefied of failure.
- It goes so far that at the end of emotional turmoil last november, a few days before christmas I found out from my piano teacher that I'd failed the hardest exam I have ever sat, and I was only his third ever failure in his entire teaching career. It triggered a depression which lasted until about January.
- I went to a catholic secondary school for most of my career in secondary school, mostly because it was really frightening and interesting to be in an environment where there was so much prejudice. I only left because both my favourite teacher and my brother left simultaniously, though I say I left for other reasons, which aren't a total lie.
- After transferring to a regular secoundary school (read: Protestant) which was much larger, I felt very isolated and like a number and I was treated weirdly because I was new ... it's one of the strangest experiances of my life
- I left school in January early because there was literally no point in me staying on, I had learned all I needed and felt like a number and I was terrefied of sitting another exam which I could fail and let everyone down on.
- I also have a terrible fear or letting people down.
- I'm terrefied every day that I'm not doing a good enough job as a member of staff on here, and I wonder if people hate me.
- I'm incredibly self-concious and I really hate the way I look a lot of the time.
- When I ocasionally feel like I look good, I look in the mirror and the whole illusion is shattered because I can always find something wrong.
- I don't know why anyone would ever love me or even talk to me but people do.
- I get really embarrased about publically expressing my hobbies and interests, like I think people'll judge me as something I'm not.
- I think I'm terrible at piano and violin playing solo, which is the reason I've never performed solo in a concert on an instrument.
- I used to be a singer at a national level but I stopped because my teacher made me pay for an exam I didn't want to sit which made me worried because I worry about money all the time.
- I save all the time, if I have money I rather save it than spend it.
- This is because my parents have real problems when it comes to money, and I know before th month is up that they'll ask for some from me, so I have to start again at the start of the month, the main reason that I'll never be into cosplay as much as I want to be because I need to be able to save.
- I'm terrefied of spiders and feel like I have to kill any that are int he same room as me, however I feel guilty once I've done it.
- I'm also terrefied of hallucinagenic or other illicit drugs and their paraphanelia, so much that if I know somone smokes marijuana, my perception of them changes irreparably, which I know is wrong. I'm also terrefied of anyone drugging me.
- I don't even know how to classify my sexuality, I don't even understand myself, so how can I make myself able to be understood by others?
- I used to do a lot of sports, and sometimes I wonder about the me in the alternate reality who continued to do those sports, if he's an internet person like I am, if he's popular, good looking or fit, if he's got a partner, is sexually active and so many other things which seem so weird to think about ...
- I've never been kissed by somone outside of my family in ernest.
- I;m terrible at telling people about how I feel, and I've never confessed to any of the crushes I've had.
- I'm a compulsive liar when it comes to myself, but I rarely lie about other people (I swear everything in this post is the truth though, I've been lying a lot less lately).
- I worry that my online friends only like me because they want me to like myself.
- I wish I was a lot more talented than I am, but then I wonder if I am actually talented and I just don't see it.
- I HATE fundimentalist femenists because not all men think of women as objects like they seem to think.
- I'm awful at making decisions and procrastinate until the the point of it being too late.
- I worry that University's gonna be too hard and I'm going to mess up my life and drop out.
- I really, really wish I had magical powers of some sort.
- I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
- I feel like knowing all of this, people'll see me different which i'm not sure how I feel.

So there ... and that's scratching the surface, because I could go into SO much more detail.

 

Claw, I don't think will anyone will see you as lesser. You sound like you put your whole life into work or activities of some sort, how could people see you less for that? If they do they are jealous they do not have the same energy.

But you do seem like a person who worries extremely and too much of the time, which causes you unneeded amounts of stress. I would say relax but that won't do anything will it? : p
I think you need to work on your confidence. Because, to be honest, you are an incredible person. I may not know you that well, but even from this little I can see it clear as day. You should be confident in your ability in what you're great at which seems to be a lot. Don't sell yourself short.

 

Oh dearie, I feel like i should know you! I feel for you so much, I'm from the Philippines too and currently also part of an all girl's school. Keeping up with money nowadays is hard isn't it? But dear, I used to be ashamed too when I was younger about being Filipino which was actually just really off and wrong - you don't have to be, I promise you.

I feel like I can really relate to what you've been through. Like the little things: My graduation was the worst day of my life, family problems, thing, and the fact I finally know someone from KHV who lives decently near I suppose 8D If you ever need to speak with someone, please do speak with me. I think that would be wonderful c:

Saxima darling, we're here for you and we believe you and gahh, I just want to hug you up.


There seem to be a lot of people on here too who feel worthless about themselves too. Please don't feel that, I know it's the worst feeling in the world, but you are worth it. You're worth so many things and deserve greatness. Each of you.

 

Claw, you are one of the best people on this forum. You're really sweet and insanely adorable. I kind of miss hearing your voice in the Skype conversations. Well, I kind of miss hearing everyone's voices to be honest. But I'm biased to Claw because he has an accent and I LOVE listening to people with accents talk.

But really, if you ever need to talk to anyone, I'm on Skype if I'm not at work or at sleep. I'm really good at listening to people's problems.

Tumblr has made me a softie.​

 

Watch it Laurence, you're losing your reputation as most intimidating member ever.

 

Pfffft.
It's not happening.​

 

I feel i don't belong in my family. I'm chinese, I was born in Hong Kong but I don't speak it. I feel like my family just had to deal with me because my dad is the oldest male in the family so they have to be nice to me. Some of seem like they like me but I don't know.

I have this thought in my head that everyone secretly hates me... and they are just being nice.

 

I feel out of the family sometimes too because they often, well everybody really, tease me on how horrible I am in Filipino. I mean, I try and everything really hard but it's just difficult for me. It hurts when my family makes fun of me - even if they're only joking.

And i'm going to confess, Sabby, sometimes I wish you were my Asian sister cause I find you so cool and amazing. I feel lame saying that now, lol, but really I wish I spoke with you more because you're just really awesome. Please know that, I don't understand how anyone would ever hate you.

 

I should take time to talk to members more! <3 thank you sweetie. I can be your asian sister, just hit me up anytime :)

Ehh, people hating me, sometimes people find me annoying and clingy lol.

 

I consider you adorable.

 

Just another thing I feel I need to share.

• I tend to be very clingy (and I hate that about myself). So much so that I'll stalk people's profiles or beg to stay online for hours until my mom yells at me for being online for too long. There are times where I'll have to force myself to stop looking or to distract myself by doing something else (which is probably one reason why I have over 1500 gifs in my sig rotator). I suppose that's what so many betrayals from close friends coupled with the tendency to get very overexcited very quickly will do to you.

 

• I have VERY bad paranoia, and because of that I think everyone is against me. When I hear people laughing, I look to see if they're laughing at me. I think everyone hates me.
• I feel fat, even though I'm almost underweight by medical standards.
• I've considered suicide several times, but realized it would get me nowhere.
• I have Synesthesia, the type where I see words/letters/numbers/names with a certain color. I figured out at the age of four that not everyone has it, I told my Jr. K teacher I know odd and even numbers apart and left and right apart because they had different colors. My school went as far as telling my parents to put me in a mental hospital.
• Now I like to confuse/freak people out by saying their name's color.
• I'm very, very, very clingy.
• I'm technically bisexual. I'm not ready to say why I'm technically bisexual. PM me if you really wanna know, I guess.
• When my knee started popping out of its socket randomly, I told my doctor I took an arrow to the knee. I feel terrible for saying that. (Not so serious, but still.)
• I was a very sheltered child, so I'm mostly watching movies that came out when I was a child and watching cartoons now, as a fifteen year old, and I feel ashamed for that.
• I'm deathly afraid of thunderstorms and being the one shunned out. Mostly because I was literally mute for most of my elementary school 'career' due to being isolated from everyone else on purpose. The thunderstorms fear, I really don't understand. I've just had it ever since I was really young.
• For the longest time, I did everything I could to have straight hair. People at my school made it seem like curly hair was the ugliest thing ever. Now people are saying they're jealous of my curls. It's one of those moments where you wish you could yell "I told you so" in their face. I feel terrible for wanting to do that.

That's all I can think of right now. *Shrinks off into a corner*

 

• I Have very bad personal hygiene, i find the "need" to take a shower unimportant, and take a bath/shower maybe once every 3-4 days.
• I want to make people happy, i enjoy thinking i make the world a better place, when in fact i spend 90% of my time annoying people, so i guess that makes me a hypocrite.
• I'm heavily addicted to a videogame, and have spent over $300 of my parents' money on it without their knowledge.
• I get angry far easier than i show, and often have thoughts about legitimately murdering people.
• I already suffer from deppression, but fear i may have bipolar or some other mental disorder.

I'm shamed by quite a few of these to be honest.

 

I am spoiling this, here it goes...

Spoiler

I am not really one to vent much, but I shall give it a shot:

I do not vent to others very often, if at all ever. Perhaps its because I would feel insecure or maybe because I want to look like the stronger one for moral support. I have others vent to me alot, so I guess I just want to look strong for their sake. So I guess its a mix of arrogance and a care for others.

I can't tell you how many times I have made my friends vent to me. I guess I just want to be a good friend. Even though I do it so often, it would still feel odd to me to let others return the favor.

I am a bit odd, and I seem to obsess over psychology. Like really obsess. When I found out my grandfather died while I was in history class I was sad on the outside, but a voice in my head was questioning why I felt sad, why I cried, why do we have emotions. It was a mix of grief and logic. I still don't understand it. I just came to the conclusion humans are odd. And yes, I speak from an outsider's point of view.

I once tried to date a girl off of here and it ended rather badly. Now whenever I think of dating there is the thought it will end badly or things will get awkward that sits in the back of my mind.

I act arrogant at times, but usually its just because my friends are nice and allow me to do it. Its fun, but arrogance is not always a good thing.

When I look in the mirror I don't really believe what I see. I wonder if it's really me (I usually don;t look in the mirror and just look at myself as a person rather than by actually looking at myself) or wonder what others think of me. And then I usually wonder how many people really do judge and disregard me based off of appearance.

I supposedly have alot of friends at school, I just wonder why they are my friends. Do they like me for me? Do they like me because they think I am "special"? How many people really think I am smart? Its questions like these that make me really think.

While looking through this tread I feel somewhat guilty for only skimming the posts that stand out rather than giving more through to all the rest. Sorry bout that.

I have deleted about half of the things I have typed in this very post up to this point XD God knows what I will do after I click post XD

Oh, I have no idea whats out there in the so called after life, so I reject nearly everything with the excuse "I will find out when I get there". I thought of that what I said God knows above.

I like "emo" people for some reason. I don't know why, I am usually an optimistic person. I just have a special place in my heart for them I guess. This leads me back to part number 3. I just feel some kind of connection with them.

I over analyse alot, but never feel the need to judge a person. It makes no sense, but I guess it just goes back to numbers 1 and 2.

I suppose I could go on and on, but if I do others will probably pity me for putting others before myself. I do not want pity, so I shall stop here. I am going to attempt to click post now before number one gets the better of me. I already regret it and I have not even clicked post yet T.T

 

These lengthy replies... XD

Ack! The fake panic-attacks I get with these things. XD Good to know I know someone from the Philippines here on KHV. XD" I hate the humidity too, I just got used to it. ;;;

I don't actually know the general idea other countries have of the Philippines, but from what I've seen... We're apparently known for the corruption in this country, which isn't really a good thing. XD;; Plus, when a foreigner criticizes the Philippines, Filipinos tend to all gang up on him and calling him names and stuff, to the point that I sometimes see it on the news... Basically, besides our 'hospitality', we're known for having too much country-pride when there's not much to go by, especially since we're the ones kinda ruining it.

On a side note, I think the Philippines is beautiful. It's just the people. :c

Another one! Yay! I think I should know you too, and I'm also thankful that I'm not alone. Wait, I'm going to read your confessions. XD

Yes, it's hard to keep up. And while I'm well-off, at the rate my dad's going, we might not be for so long. ;w; And I try not to be ashamed. But alas, it's what some people say about the Filipinos that I stumble upon more than the people like you and Hayabusa who are at least fine with the country~. But okay, I'll try not to be so much. XD

Haha, I guess it's good we can relate...? XD Not sure if the things we can relate to are good, but yeah. And thanks for the offer. I hope you don't mind if ever I suddenly PM you. ;;;

I can relate with that... I'm Chinese, too, but I can't speak Mandarin or the dialect I'm supposed to know to save my life. My family doesn't make fun of me for it, but I feel extremely out of place because of it, especially since my grandmother only knows Hokkien (le dialect).

I actually feel the same way sometimes; how everyone could secretly hate me. I don't really get over it completely, but I kinda comfort myself with the thought that if they do hate me, they wouldn't bother being nice in the first place and just leave it at that.

And I've seen you around. I don't see why anyone would hate you~

I watch My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic but I'm not ashamed of it. XD Don't worry, there's a lot of people like you; more than you think and probably more than I think, too. Try not to be ashamed of it. The older cartoons are in general better than the new ones, anyway... IMO, though.

Who wouldn't want to? But eh, fads are fads. Silly and temporary. One of these days, not necessarily in my lifetime, having a ball-body shape will be desirable. :U

 

Are you as bad as me? *challenge*

This is ok, I'm the same. I did not even use soap or deodorant until a few days ago so, you are not alone. Now I use soap and deodorant (how prissy she is becoming!) but shower every few days. I think my next shower should be scheduled for tomorrow, it has been three or four days. Until recently, also, I used shampoo/conditioner but did not bother with thoroughly washing it out; so it would become greasy, weighted down. On schooldays I don't bother to comb my hair, you would think peer pressure would have me near the thing but no, I am tired on schooldays and so put even less effort into my appearance. Peer pressure apparently means little to me.

I should say, I am getting better in regards to personal hygiene.
I have been using soap since two or three showers ago! Hallelujah!

 

I'm loving how much openess there is in this thread. I was actually just going to make a bit of a mean comment, but I'm not entirely sure I want to deal with that now. >~>

Anyway . . .

• A lot of people that I'm acquainted with make fun of my height all of the time, because most of the people who attend my school are taller than I am, and it gets a little annoying after a while.

• There has only been two people who I've exposed my body to willingly, and I oftentimes wonder if I should regret or not, and begin to think what I was thinking when this happened.

• I'm very self-conscious about my body, and even though I know there are people of more girth than I am, I can't help but feel my chubbiness is . . . fat. I feel like I have to be careful with all of the clothes that I wear and pick them out slowly each day to observe my body in them. I just feel like my body isn't . . . good enough, for anyone. It seems like such a superficial world out there, and I firmly believe it is - looks will pretty much get you anywhere, and I don't have them. I also have a bit of an . . . acne issue, and it's horrible, but I never do anything to take care of it, and when people look at me, I feel like my altered-in-not-a-good-way face is the only thing they look at - and it makes me paranoid, so much so that I closely watch the eyes of the person I'm talking to so I can see where their eyes are pointed - and a lot of the time, they're not looking at my eyes.

• My mother is . . . abusive, you could say, toward both me and my sister, but more my sister. These days, she's at work most of the time, so we can have a breather, but she has a short fuse and screams like a banshee. I can't help but feel bad for my sister, and feel like I should protect her. I know I should. I don't know why I don't. I can't understand why it's so easy to lay a bruise or two on my mom for my sake, but not for my sister's? A lot of the time, this makes me wonder if I'm a bad person, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm scared or something . . . I just wish that I could take my sister and live somewhere far off, away from my mom. But I know I'd never be able to pull it off.

• I don't like this thread, to be honest, and am not entirely sure why I made it. I feel like I'm telling people a sobstory - one of the very things that makes me mad is people not being able to handle their own problems, I can't stand when someone just . . . I don't know. I hate hearing that other people have problems, but I hate that people also talk about them. If you have a problem, solve it yourself. I know this just makes me a hypocrite, for a few of the above reason, but I think I got that nature from my dad.

• I'm about as dumb as a bundle of sticks. And my lover isn't. I hurt for it.

• I'm quick to jump to conclusions, often putting my relationship in jeopardy. I just feel like nothing can go right - seeing as it really hasn't for these last eighteen years, why should it now?

• I hate feminists.

• I feel like crying.​