KHV Confessions

>Actually has an odd attraction to Saix
>Jeremy Irons, Harrison Ford, and Grell
>Every straight man has a few guy crushes

 

... I thought I was the only one :=D:

Serious confession time:

-I'm a feminist, and I'm proud of it. I'm not gonna let societies expectations stop me from achieving my goals.
-I'm incredibly self conscious, especially in social situations, even on line (and on this site). I feel like a hindrance, like I annoy people, that I'm only tolerated to some extent. I've gotten out of that mind set a little bit recently, thanks to a certain group of people though, but I still get struck by these thoughts.
-I literally have to exhaust myself before going to bed, else my mind is going to automatically zone in on my every fault, every criticism I've received, every bad moment in my life I wish I could've changed and I'll nitpick them to the point where I can't sleep and I lose my mind and become even more depressed. Even during the day I have to be distracting myself somehow every single moment. This is probably the reason why I don't get to bed till after 3 am quite often.
-Despite all my insecurities, I find myself to be good looking, maybe even beautiful on a good day. And then I remember the fact that I'm seriously considering becoming a Hollywood actor, and I start feeling chubby. And then I tell myself "**** it. I'm gonna be the face of change, and I'm gonna be a loud change."
-Even though I think I'm a good actor, and even when I've had people tell me that I am good, I still feel too insecure to admit that I want to be an actor. Despite the fact that I've wanted it for the last seven years.
-I'm so tense and nervous about things, that my jaws pretty much constantly clenched involuntarily, even when I do my damnest to relax it. Apparently this is a real condition with a name and everything.
-I love slash fics. I'm kinda starting to like gay porn.
-I've never been in a relationship. The closest I got to being 'intimate' was when a drunk guy tried to chat me up in a bar, and he kissed my cheek when I was turning to go.
-All my years of watching Criminal Minds has made me incredibly paranoid. I've woken up at night to a strange noise, and immediately my mind will try to find something I can use as a weapon. I usually walk great distances while keeping my hands on my keys in case someone tries to jump me, so I can use them to gauge the attackers eyes or something. I haven't exactly thought it through.
-I'm finding myself increasingly attracted to women. I'm still predominately heterosexual, but holy mother of God, there are some gorgeous women out there.
-I think I forgot something big .-.

I actually remember that. And I feel bad for not saying anything, even though I didn't know you too well. I was really desperate for any positive attention from my peers back then...

 

- I've always had a fear of God and divine punishment since my religions classes in elementary school. I would go back and forth between calling myself a Christian and an Atheist because in one hand I don't want to believe in a vengeful God, and in the other I want to be considered a religious person.

- I've never had a friend I could talk to about serious things, and I have a really hard time opening up to people because of it.

- I've had a drinking problem since I was 15 (I think some of you older members remember this). I used to be playful about it, but I think it blew up into a full problem at some point and I've never told anyone about this because I have a hard time talking to people about serious things.

- I've been going through something of an identity crisis for a while.

 

I know that feel...I'll get this moment in my life where I felt really embarrassed or something stupid I did stuck in my mind for hours sometimes. It'll drive me crazy because I know there is nothing I can do about it, I've even come to terms with letting it go, my head just irritates the heck out of me. Also the not sleeping until 3, so many times I've wanted to go to bed and stayed up just sitting there thinking about the past. Very annoying.

Eheh, watching Criminal Minds and every other crime show I've watched does the same to me. If I hear anything in the middle of the night I go running around with my sword cane..
Paranormal shows actually used to scare me so bad, I couldn't sleep for many nights because I'd think something was after me. I love shows like supernatural, but I'd go scatterbrained when I was younger(still don't like being alone at night).

 

- I have no ability to talk to people in real life, at all. At the start of every school semester, I keep telling myself that I'm going to do my best to try to the people around me. Instead, I always end up ignoring everyone around me. I figure that they have better things to do than talk to me. I also have a hard time even being around people, whether it be waiting in line or sitting around them. I feel much more comfortable on the internet and have more close friends on the internet than in real life.

- Although I'm a guy, I dream about my wedding day. Specifically, what it will be like to be married to the one person who knows me, understands me, and can tolerate me when I can barely tolerate myself. I also dream about the days when my wife is with child and of all those romantic moments in between. When I die, I want to die with my love holding onto me.

- Even though I am a Christian, I don't belong to a certain sect. I also don't like a lot of Christians because they give other Christians a bad name. They appear to not understand what it means to believe in Jesus's words about loving and tolerating others. A lot of these people are in my family or "friends" on facebook that constantly post stupid comments.

- I cannot sleep properly unless a certain someone speaks to me. I do not feel comfortable in my own skin, and this one person at least makes me feel like I'm a normal person. Every time I think we did not leave on good terms, my brain constantly attacks me of negative thoughts, that I am slowly causing them to hate me. If I lost this one person, I don't think I would be "me" anymore. I'm very dependent.

- Although people say that I am a talented writer/actor, I cannot see it in myself. I always put everything I can into everything I do, but I always finish it feeling like that my best is very bad.

 

Sweet Jesus thank you somebody else feels this way. And even though my quite a few of my friends are atheists, even they act in a more acceptable way than quite a few of the people who do call themselves religious.

It also pisses me off to no avail when I see pictures of like, Jesus or other religious things, saying "Life if you love Jesus!". The worst one was a picture of Jesus on the cross, and it said "LIKE IF YOU LOVE JESUS, SCROLL DOWN IF YOU DON'T".

You know you liked that pun.

 

Thirding this, hypocritical Christians piss me off to no end. Too bad that they're so damn loud.

 

Those pictures are the worst; any recreation of that basically. They get me mad because they're basically playing on people's insecurities, whether it be patriotism, religious, or just tugging at people's heart strings in general.

 

• I have had more than a few people tell me I appear very arrogant ( and really hate myself for it ) and unapproachable
• I'm very cautious/guarded with friends, I have very high standards for them and am very slow to attach to people. I never felt like I had a friend that truly got me and would be there for a long time until a few years ago. We don't get to talk to each other much and that kills me. Like Mish mentioned, I have an irrational fear of losing track of her & other online friends, or that they suddenly won't like me or want to talk to me.
• I always feel like I'm falling short or failing people.
• I'm always afraid to post on here about personal **** because I feel like everyone will think less of me/not take me seriously anymore. It can be similar with friends. I don't want to seem weak.
• I can be a goody two shoes, and people get upset with me for it.
• I knowingly let people walk all over me.
• I don't think I've ever said I love you to someone out loud and seriously meant it (not just in a romantic sense).

 

I can relate, really I do, but I don't feel you should feel bad about that last one. It's a much more complicated subject, even when in relation to kin and whatnot.

 

I'm not going to lie guys, this thread made me cry. That and I have Toy Story 3 playing in the background.

I may or may out post here later. I'm paranoid somebody will use the information I put here to blackmail me.

If I could, I would hug each and every one of you, because you all deserve a friggin hug.

Also,

Just like Booth, oh my god.

 

D: Enzy, why must my app always be killed with fire?

But seriously, I look up to you and find you to be an amazing person.
I am incredibly jealous of you sometimes.
because of your staffhood

 

Just saying, but I look up to you and like you. XD
Really, I think you're great.

~

Right...
I just wanna say, the amount of people confessing here are so brave to share such things.
I've developed a lot of love for the people on this forum, you guys have changed my life. I mean that. I do wonder how life would be if I never found KHV and I don't want to imagine it. Everyone here is so great and so lovely.
*group hug*



Now... for my contribution:

• My insomnia may be starting to get under control, but I have suffered with it since I was 13.
  
• The reason I have insomnia is because... my best friend at the time who I'd known since birth (literally she was born 2 days before me and our mother's were friends so we were literally always together) and was closer to than anyone committed suicide and I was the one who found her. It... well, the experience changed me.
  
• I've blamed myself for years about the fact that I couldn't save her. (complicated story is complicated)
  
• My biggest fear is losing the people I care about. Most likely due to my past experiences.
  
• Moving on... my second biggest fear is needles. Well, injections and the like. It's a phobia to be honest. I freak out beyond belief.
  
• I have a tumour behind my left eye that may cause me to go half blind in the future. (It seems fine now, but I have to have it examined constantly)
  
• I am in love with my best friend and have loved her for 5 or 6 years now (another best friend from the one above).
  
• Sure I've always been confident (not overly so though)... probably to do with the fact that I was always doing performing arts so I didn't hold much fear in getting out in the world and being me, but at the same time... I lacked confidence with who I was. I've always been the type of guy who felt I should be proud of who I am, because I can only be me and no one else, but at the same time I've always been well... terrified that people might not like me for who I am and I've never been proud of how I look. To be honest, I've often felt quite inadequate compared to a lot of my friends when surrounded my them.
  It's only recently after this change I've gone through (the makeover I underwent this week actually) that I've started to feel good about how I look. It might seem stupid, but when I put up that photo and got some of the nicest comments I've ever had about my appearance, well I was so happy and in such disbelief. I'm used to being put down by others a lot, and betrayed and so on, so yeah. This was a big change for me.
  If I'm honest, I nearly cried.
  
• I cry a lot actually, I'm in touch with my emotions and I feel that it is okay for me to be so.
  
• I still intend to always be myself though, it might seem hypocritical to what I was saying above, but if people don't like me for who I am, then screw them.
  If I had to rephrase what I said above, I would say I'm worried that the people I'm friends with are being false and don't really like me for me. That probably says it better.
  
• Out of the four relationships I've been in, all of them fairly short. I've been cheated on twice. If I'm honest, the first girl who cheated on me... yeah. It hurt but, I wasn't as close to her as I thought I had been so I was surprisingly alright. The second girl though, that one really hurt and it really knocked my confidence, but hey.
  
• I've been through a lot of bad in my life, so I just get up and move on. It's how I cope. Life is too short to wallow around in the dirt.
  
• I care about others more than I do myself. I don't care so much if I get hurt, but if a friend of mine gets hurt. There will be hell to pay.

I may have more to say, but I feel that I've said a lot already and yeah...

Uh... thanks for listening (reading) KHV. - Well, if you do. lol
It feels good to share.


EDIT: I could always throw in obvious stuff like I am a major Otaku, but yeah, that is obvious. XD

 

I firmly have every reason to believe I got drunk off my ass, last night.​

 

So I’ve been going on and off of this thread the past few minutes and decided just to type it out, KHV’s a place that’s helped me before and I’m not in some problem or whatever but I feel like sharing it here. Don’t really know why but I’ve been reading a couple posts, I just want to hug so many, in fact, all of you and tell you how amazing you guys are. Just, dang, I wish I was neighbors with everyone here so we wouldn’t have such unnecessary feels.

• I draw a lot and other people expect me to be this artist girl later in my life. Sometimes I do see it, but other times I’m just like: I don’t think it’s going to happen. No way am I going to even stand among the other artists of the world. Like, how am I even going to make money out of the art I do? What can I really do? I don’t see it.
• I love bones so much that it hurts. Like, literally. I eat properly and people know me for eating healthy (other than the lack of protein) but I have been eating less. I eat 3 meals and usually nothing more. When I’m hungry, I drink water or sleep. My friends think I’m leading up to anorexia, and so does my mum – but honestly, I love food to much for anyone to worry and I’m not at all THAT skinny but part of me does obsess over looking at the mirror and seeing my spine, ribs and shoulder blades.
• I’ve never felt good enough for anything. Sometimes, this is what motivates me but there are those times when it’s just really dark and upsetting. I know where it comes from, I had a tough childhood. I lived with my biological father for ten years who abused me and my mother and brother. Mostly emotionally. I grew up being told that I was worth nothing, that I was ugly, a pig, useless, stupid and other things I later learned no one deserved to be called – especially by someone who is supposed to love and care for you like a father should. I guess I just haven’t learned to let go of that, I still usually feel like I’m worth nothing. Yeah, that’s totally my life – I really don’t feel like I’m worth anything.
• I always feel judged by others too. It sucks but I tell myself I’ve learned not to really care and usually I don’t – not in the snobbish, bratty way but in the way where I don’t let it bring me down but really it just sucks and it’s pathetic sometimes. I know I’m weird, I embrace that but really, people don’t have to make fun of it.
• I used to curse like a sailor but after my mum caught my 7th grade tweets with all the curse words (lololol shameful shameful years) and told me it wasn’t nice to look at I stopped. I go with friendly words now. You guys should try it! C:
• I wish I could sing for people or at least in front of people. I do dream of being on a band, singing my heart out, and making songs but I can’t even sing outside of the shower or a chorus in my drama club. I have terrible confidence for singing (and everything really haha) and my voice totally breaks when I sign in front of people. Even a mic. It sucks sjhfksa
• I’m incredibly awkward. Like, I’m not just saying this. I can’t keep conversations nicely. I can’t even skype properly cause I feel so awkward and weird and it’s just terrible cause I’d love to video chat for hours with some people on skype but I just can’t. It’s so weird!
• I’ve learned that I had a cist in my body. Right now it’s stable, it’s not growing but it’s not decreasing in size either. I’m not too open on sharing where exactly it is, but I’ve been told a cist is better to get somewhere else. Anyway, I’ve been told so long as it doesn’t grow in size, I’ll be fine. But my family has a very long line of cancer. I’m probably sounding really stupid right now cause I haven’t done any research but every night, I actually pray that this cist inside me is cancer because I know it’s genetic and sometimes it skips generations? So I actually pray it’s cancer just so that there are less chances of my mum ever getting it or my brother. I also pray every time that if it’s ever my mum or brother’s time to go or pass, I would gladly exchange my life line or life span for theirs. My mum and brother deserve all of life. They’re the absolute best. I don’t know how I’ll ever live without them.
• Again with my biological father, he’s the reason why I’m very not open to relationships and some subcultures (specifically those that include things like clubbing, alcohol, sex, etc). He was supposed to be my dad, someone to love me and care for me. If he didn’t do that all my life, how did that give the right to someone else? It’s not a trust issue with boys. It’s more of a trust issue with relationships and titles. They scare me. As much as I feel forever alone and lonely sometimes (blame tumblr and films abububbu) I don’t feel like I’d ever get into a relationship.
• More body probs: My chest. Okay, I really adore the flat chested model look and I wish I had it but I’ve been told that I have a superhero-woman body and it frustrates me. I wish I was tall and lanky but I’m just shot and hour glassy and I really really really dislike it.
• Last bit about my bio. father, there was a time that I was in fact suicidal. I’ll thought of it for a while around 4 years ago because he just drove me off the edge. It was terrible. He called my mother bad things and my brother too and myself and that time we would compensate to try and see him but every time we did, he would yell at us and get angry and sometimes hurt us physically. There was plenty and plenty of tears and wounds. I feel pathetic looking back at it, I remember specifically sitting by the window and thinking of just jumping. Though I do remember the reasons why I wanted to do it. Possibly to get my biological father a charge of murder or you know something linked to it or letting my family sell my body or something so they could earn money cause money did get a little hard for a while. But good golly, I’m glad I’m not dead.
• Lastly, I do like to believe that I am a strong person. I have a very positive outlook in life, I think it’s because of what I’ve already been through, and I start every day telling myself that today will be amazing and that to smile no matter what and other things. I like to believe I am self assured but something just can’t be helped but really I am a very happy person and I am very happy with my life now even with other things. It’s okay, there’s got to be some tough stuff to teach us how to live with smiles so yeah.

Ooh dang, that did feel better. Sorry for the length If you’ve read this, thank you so much. That means a lot. I wish I could reply to every post here but every one of you KHV members at least read this last bit: YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING. FANTASTIC AND BEAUTIFUL. YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING WONDERFUL, DON’T LET OTHERS TELL Y OU OTHERWISE. AND IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING, I’M HERE FOR YOU. JUST SO YOU KNOW. YOU GUYS ARE JUST SO GREAT I CAN’T THINK OF WORDS RIGHT NOW. Sorry for the caps lock, I was trying to get your attention xD

 

• I refuse to make good friends or get close to anyone. I have one person I can talk to but even then that's a struggle at times.
• I often think people are better off without knowing me, and I often wish I could slip away.
• I've never felt sad over someone's death, neither friends or family. The most I'll feel for are those grieving.
• I want to get married but I'm afraid they'll turn out like my dad.
• My dream house would be somewhere in the countryside with my own wee plot of land and a wee loch. xD
• I am clueless when it comes to folk liking me. Had one guy in primary school that liked me for years (He tried to kiss me while we were on a wall but I thought he was playing so I pushed him off lol), a few guys in secondary school and a lass who apparently liked me for over 4 years who I thought was just being friendly.
• I never told anyone at school about my birthday and I rarely do so now. Though I always made a fuss about their birthdays.
• I struggle to write and put my thoughts down on paper. So it can take me a while to write something, even if it's short.
• I stumble over words when talking to folk I don't know very well and it makes me feel stupid. So I usually don't say much.
• I often don't show emotions when I should and appear indifferent.
• I like shoujo-ai. XD

 

Inform me what that is again?

 

Girls love.
Yuri genre.

 

I don't even go here frequently and I'm bombarding people with these things. And it's lengthy. Oh my. XD;; Ah, just need to vent cause no one else is available...

My confessions:

• I'm scared of this site. In a sense. XDD;; I mean, when I see "KHV", it's not that I freak out or anything, I just get all funny when I'm about to post something. Like now. I always feel like I'll just humiliate myself.
• I used to RP at Twitter a couple of years ago. I got fair-weather friends there, and I was content enough with that. Then I started screwing up my studies so I had to get off. I was gone for so long, I guess I kinda lost them and to this day, I blame myself for losing them.
• In relation to the Twitter thing, I had a crush on a guy (no name mentioning... ;;; ). I convinced myself that I was over him but in reality, it seems I'm not completely.
• I'm about to begin martial arts training two days from now because I managed to convince my parents that it would help with my somewhat anger management issues (I always bottle it up and stuff happens when I explode...). What I didn't tell them is that I'm actually beginning to think that it'll make things worse and I might actually hurt someone severely.
• I often tell people that I hate my dad, but when I got hospitalized, I realized then that while I do hate him, some of the hate originated from anger because I just wanted to feel fatherly love for once.
• My dad called me fat in front of his colleagues, my mother and my brother. All of them laughed at me and when I confided that I was hurt about it, my mom just laughed some more and said, "I didn't think you were that sensitive!" in Chinese. As an added fact, this happened before my Graduation, so I become a little sad and all when I hear the Marching Hymn(?).
  
• I'm suspecting this is because of the above; I'm getting used to having an empty stomach, and when I eat, it's very little compared to what the average person eats. The only reason I do let anything in my mouth is because I know that it's a health risk and I have plans for the future.
• Sad to say though, to stop eating altogether is becoming tempting.
• I have skin asthma (forgot the actual name...) and have had it all my life. I'm jealous of people with skin that is better looking than mine, and I'm a little annoyed or butthurt when people go, "Oh, I have a pimple! This is terrible!" Well, I've got scars.
• My dad's a cheater, my mom's nearing the age of retirement (3 more years), my sister is technically unemployed, my brother has a very shaky plan for his job, tuition fees are rising and I'm still in the first half of high school. I'm scared.
• Ever since a friend of mine admitted she was a lesbian, I think I've been falling for her. Lol, I don't know, I'm weird.
• From the above, some people would think I've had a depressing life or something. I'm ashamed to say this, but in hindsight, compared to a lot of other people, I don't. Maybe I'm just calling for attention because I feel that I've been alone? Considering my parents were always busy, my brother and I have a 6 year age gap, my sister and I have a 12 year age gap, and I never had any friends until I was like--what, 10, 11? Just roughly 4-5 years ago . But I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. ;;;;
• I snuck out of school once. x3 Hee hee. I'm such a rebel. /shot.
• I have a slight fear of being physically alone. I don't really know... I just get jumpy.
• My self-esteem is really hard to bring up.
• The more jumpy, happy, funny I try to be and all that, the more nervous I am. Or shy. It's a pathetic-attempt thing...
  
• I'm desperate for boy friends. As in male friends. Being in an all-girls school, you'd think I'd be sick of seeing so much girls. :U No offense though. I just want to have friends that are a little more different.
• I'm ashamed of the reputation my country bears, and I'm scared to admit this because my brother's friends were immediately shunned when they found out... But... -ahem-... I live in the Philippines. ;;;
  

So yeah... That's all I have to vent out. :x If you actually read all of it... Wow, thank you. XD

 

A fellow Filipino :D

My parents are both Filipino, my mom born on one of the islands. We visited the country some 5 years ago. I miss the malls with huge arcades, and Jollibee <3

I, however, hated the humidity. Makes me feel sticky and gross.

What makes you feel so ashamed? Anything specific?