KH | You're So Last Summer

You're So Last Summer
Part One: Forbidden Graveyard​

Namine felt the knock on the door all the way from her own room, smelling the fresh air breeze in the January Air. It was stiffening in the Mansion tonight, knowing who the guest was walking through the door. Namine stood at the other side of the room, peering into a mirror, make-up in hand. Her white dress was tighter then normal it seemed, making her feel uncomfortable with the guest. Footsteps were heard in front of her door, stopping only inches from the gap underneath the door. A knock was heard on the door, making Namine not turn from her perch. The door opened anyway, and Roxas stood in the gap between the doorframe and the floor. The room felt relaxation, with a sense of nervousness from Namine, as Roxas stepped forward, making his way towards her. He spoke nothing, only breathing clearly. Roxas was swiftly behind Namine, Namine not moving an inch. Roxas looked at her through the mirror, smiling at her blank stare. His hands lifted, wrapping them around Namine's waist, Roxas stepping up to be closer to her. His head lay on Namine's shoulder, smelling her sweet scent of Honeysuckle. He exhaled slowly, closing his eyes, and rubbing his hands on her sides. Namine stood silently, staring at the scene happening through the Mirror, feeling the emotions that she couldn't handle, her electric blue eyes closing. A tingling sensation was rolling through Namine's body, making her back arch some, as Roxas nestled her neck. She felt Roxas's hands leave her sides, as he grabbed one of them, tangling her fingers in his. He pulled softly, making her turn around, her eyes still closed, making her blush some. Hearing Roxas laugh through his breath, he pulled her close, hugging her.

"Are you ready for tonight?" He whispered in her ear, making her heart skip a few beats before she could actually breathe. His whisper was more then a thousand lives to hear for Namine. Namine heard herself laugh in her breath, as if there was another person controlling her own actions. Someone not her.

"Yes," She heard her vocal cords chime, making Namine mentally scold herself. What the hell am I saying?! Roxas let go, making the light hit Namine's face, her pupils growing smaller then what they were. Roxas looked upon his lover, pulling her out of the room.

"They're waiting outside." Roxas said softly, as Namine grabbed her coat out off the banister of the stairs. It was black, and fur lining the inside. She put it on one arm, waiting for Roxas to let go of the other so she can dress herself suitable for the outside. It was about 10:00 PM in Twilight Town, and some of the kids from school wanted to do some weird party in the Graveyard. Namine had to agree, since Roxas was going, and she wanted to watch him, since a girl recently confessed her love to him. Namine heard voices outside, making her nervous, as she saw Roxas open the door to the outside chill. Jack Frost was still lurking the town's air, nipping her skin's pours making her have chill-bumps.

"It's cold," She said to herself, stepping out the door, crossing her arms and Roxas following her. Roxas laughed some, and agreed as he put his arm around her shoulders, leading her to the group by Namine's Mansion Gates. She heard some of them talking, saying; "This chick should have a killer party here," and "I wonder what her parents do for a living," Making Namine blush. She felt violated when she was being talked about.

"Everyone, this is my girlfriend; Namine." Roxas said to them, making them turn and look Namine over. A boy whistled, and a girl stared at Namine. The others began to talk amongst themselves, as one suddenly yelled out, "Is it time to go?" Making Roxas let go of Namine, walking away.

"Yeah, let's just go into these woods here, and we'll be set on a trail-" He said, leading the others to go towards the forbidden Graveyard that Namine was told never to go to from DiZ himself. Some made noises like a fool, the girls laughing. A girl walked beside Namine, as she followed silently.

"Hey, I'm Kristie." She said, looking at Namine, the lights of people's Phones, and Lighters illuminating their faces. Kristie was thin, very pretty in Namine's point of view. She had green eyes, her brown ringlet hair circling her face. Her lips were a moist red, her nose very upright. It was tinted red from the freeze, making Namine wonder about her own look. Namine began to blush, as she answered,

"I'm Namine." She answered, sounding like a five year old, her high pitched voice chirping against the trees. They were deep into the forest now, Roxas leading the way. The group was of about ten to eleven, about half and half of boys and girls. Soon enough, the group passed over a large archway, labeled "GRAVEYARD" on it, fog covering their feet. Namine looked forward, seeing a light in the middle of the graveyard, in a yellowish way. A Fire?

"Ah, Here's the Bon Fire!" Roxas yelled to the rest of them, as the group began to yell and laugh amongst the conversations. Kristie left Namine's side, going to a group of girls talking about a boy in the group. They walked along the pathway, seeing litter and dead flowers on the ground, from the Graves. Soon enough, a fire could be heard cracking, and some more kids laughing, and playing. She looked ahead, seeing about fifteen more kids, sitting amongst a fire, and seeing Riku amongst them. He must've led them there. Roxas was suddenly beside her, holding her hand.

"How are you?" He asked, walking closer to her then normal, seeing girls stare green in envy at Namine. Namine looked over at Roxas, seeing that they circled the fire, over to where Riku was, with another girl. She wasn't known by Namine, but looked strangely like Kairi. But with longer hair, and not in a pink outfit.

"I'm fine, but what are we doing?" Namine asked her voice a lot softer then before. Roxas looked ahead now, making her feel ignored. Roxas of course heard her, but Riku was suddenly in front of them, the other girl by his side.

"Yo, what's up Riku?" Roxas said in a different tone, more friendly. Riku put out a hand; Roxas shaking it, doing some weird hand shake. Riku nodded, letting go of the girl from before, whispering something to her, making her walk away, and looking Namine in a way of 'Why doesn't she leave?' Namine watched her walk away, and suddenly noticing Roxas and Riku were looking at her. She missed what they said, looking kind of confused.

"Err, what?" She asked, not meaning to be rude.
"You were supposed to invite Kairi?" Riku asked, sounding kind of annoyed.

"Uh, Sorry. She said that Sora had something with her tonight..." Namine answered, shrugging. She didn't really know what it was, but something to do with a Star Fruit. Riku shook his head, digging into his pockets. He looked up suddenly, his eyes looking at Roxas.

"Here dude, sorry I forgot to give it to you." He said, handing some baggy to him, concealing some sort of herb. Roxas grabbed it greedily, putting into his pocket, nodding.

"Thanks, I was meanin' to ask you 'bout that." He said, looking over at the others, seeing they were playing amongst themselves, as Roxas popped an idea.

"Hey, why don't we get some drinks?" He suggested, making Riku nod. Riku dug into his pockets, as he then pulled out some keys, and he looked at Namine.

"Wanna join me?" He asked, nodding back as his pick-up truck, its tail gate down holding some chicks on it.

"I don't have cash, but I have a fake ID," He said, nodding towards Namine, who had money of course, but no fake ID.

"Sure, I guess." Namine said, as Roxas squeezed her hand, letting go.

"I'll be here waiting." Roxas said, walking towards his friends, telling them the news. Namine wanted to refuse, but she was interrupted but Riku.

"Great, let's go." Namine heard Riku said, as she looked back to Roxas, her hair flipping in a motion to hit her face. She looked pained to leave, but she sighed, as she turned, and walked towards the trucks passenger side.

---

You're So Last Summer
Part Two: Drive My Soul​

The cold air stung Namine's face, as she leaned into the Truck's Passenger side seat. Riku had the air on in the Truck, which made Namine look up in pain at the strange boy, as she sat in the front seat, his left hand on the wheel, the other on the shifter. The truck rumbled impatiently as Namine situated herself in the stiff seat. Riku looked over, seeing Namine fasten her seatbelt, as he shrugged, putting the truck in reverse. He backed up, almost hitting a girl in a very skimpy outfit for the middle of winter, as he laughed. Riku mumbled something in the middle of his laugh, as Namine glared at the compartment of the truck.

There was very little to describe, making it hard for Namine to interpret. It was very messy; it smelled of Marijuana, and Dip. The windshield was cracked in the bottom right corner, making Namine nervous to hit a bump. The gauges in front of the steering wheel were messed up; the only working one was the gas and the speed, making it impossible to tell if the engine would blow. Namine didn't dare to open the glove-compartment.

"Whatcha' looking at?" Namine heard Riku ask, his accent making her look at him insanely. What is he saying? She thought to herself, as she looked at Riku's face, the shadows of the power-poll's lights gleaming against his features.

"N-Nothing." She said, as she looked the other way, making her blush. She began to think of exactly why Kairi would date Sora over Riku. Sora's turned into this goody-goody little kid, which has only proved that we're all human. Riku on the other hand; is stronger, not wiser. He's more tolerable in Namine's opinion, but Namine was dating Roxas. Nothing more then that. Suddenly, Riku turned right, as his brakes creaked, making Riku turn again, parking in some grass.

"Well, we're at your place." Riku said motioning that he'll wait here, as Namine opened the door. Namine praised God that she was out of the death machine, as she squeezed through the gate. It was closed for some odd reason, but she didn't take notice. Namine approached the door, as she heard voices, familiar ones at that. Namine opened the door with her own key, which was in her pocket of her jacket. Two people were in the main room, one with red hair. It was Axel, and Larxene.

"Oh, just the person we were looking for." Axel said, turning. He looked her over, as Namine went towards the Dining Room, to the right. Only Axel followed, as Larxene stood where she was, not moving.

"Hey, can you like, lend me some money?" Axel said, bending over from his height, looking as though he was a stalker. Namine rolled her eyes, as she crossed the other side of the room, knocking on the wall. A sudden piece of the wall turned, showing a coded keyboard, numbered 1-9. Namine punched in a series of numbers, as the picture beside them turned, revealing a safe. Axel stepped back, as Namine moved in front of him, moving the dial back and forth every which way. Suddenly, the safe was open, and inside revealed some bunch of cash, coin rolls, and some jewelry. Axel made a sigh in amazement, as Namine turned, holding a wad of cash, and holding about 500 dollars in cash.

"What do you plan on spending it on?" She asked, looking at Axel as if to read him like a book. Axel looked up and around the room, bags showing underneath his eyes.

"We're just in need of some cash. Larxene needs to shop for food, and I need some relievers." Axel said, as lied through his teeth, Namine looking at him suspiciously.

"Does Roxas know?" She asked in a doubtful tone. She was definitely not giving him any cash if he didn't know.

"...No." Axel said in a depressed tone, his straight posture slumping. Namine nodded, as the safe's door shut automatically, making Axel stand straight.

"So you're going to give some to us?" He asked happily, as Namine continued passed across the room.

"No." She answered coldly, walking out the door, pretending Larxene was never there. Namine walked outside, as she gripped the wad of cash. She felt as though she was being used for her money, but Roxas never asked her for any money, not that he would. He was a wonderful boyfriend, and if wanted any sort of drugs, or anything else, he would pay for himself. Namine opened the Truck's passenger door, feeling the heat suddenly on. She looked at Riku, who was shivering.

"So you got the cash," He said sounding out of breath as she sat inside, closing the door. She grabbed the seatbelt, fastening it around her small waist. Riku placed the truck in gear, as he backed up stomping on the brakes before he rear-ended a tree.

"Oops, Sorry." Riku said, laughing. He then stepped on the gas, making the engine groan and accelerate. Namine laid against her seat as Riku laughed, turning up the radio. It played some country song about a love for some girl at a bar as Riku sang along. What happened to the cool Riku Kairi once loved? Namine asked herself, staring at the boy beside her, seeing he was suddenly closer. Namine scooted over, making the seat creak in pain as Namine jumped. Suddenly, Riku turned, pulling up to a gas station, as he turned the truck off.

"You gonna give me the money?" Riku asked, as Namine handed over a little of the wad in her pocket. She didn't want to give away all of her 'borrowed' money. Riku nodded, and grabbed something from the middle ashtray, and exited the truck. Namine hugged herself as her stomach did knots when Riku entered the store. Namine watched the seconds tick by as Riku walked to the back, his boots banging against the tiled floor, and his ripped-up jeans following his leg's bending. Riku bent over, grabbing a 24 pack of some brand-named beer, making him not slow as he went to the front of the store, where the cash register was. He put the case on the counter, the clerk ringing it up. The clerk said something to Riku, making Riku sigh and put his hand in his pocket, pulling out a card. The clerk said something else, as Riku grabbed the case of beer, and handed him the cash Namine gave him. The clerk nodded, as Riku walked away, smiling a smug smile. Riku walked outside, opening his truck door and jumping inside. His smile turned to a laugh as he plopped the case between them, Namine gawking at its size.

Riku turned the engine on, and turned out of the Parking Lot. He jammed on the gas, making Namine lay against her seat forcing. It felt like only seconds passed as they approached the woods, as Riku looked over.

"So, when did you and Roxas begin dating?" He asked, seeing the clearing up ahead. Namine was about to answer, when she saw blue and red lights flashing out, making her stomach tie itself in a knot again.

"What the hell?" Riku asked, turning around the corner, seeing some of the kids running away, Roxas no where in sight. Namine panicked, opening the door, exiting the truck. She ran into the woods, forgetting the beer, Riku, everything. She ran as fast as she could, until she saw her Mansion in the distance. I knew that going there was a bad idea... She told herself, seeing someone waiting at the gate. Her heart skipped a beat, as the features came to view, and it was Roxas. He saw her running up, and met her on the way, holding her shoulders.

"What happened?" He asked, seeing her out of breath and her nose red from the cold.

"I-I don't know, we just got back, when everyone was gone and the police was there." Namine answered, sounding very stressed. Roxas hugged her tightly, as Namine hugged back, beginning to cry for some odd reason.

"I didn't know where you were, and I was so worried." She finished, hiding her face in his jacket. She smelled his aroma, smelling some of the Marijuana from Riku's Truck. She smelt his normal smell with it, which was more like Cologne, Sweat, and his breath. Roxas hugged her tighter, making her snuggle him closer, as he stroked her hair.

"Don't worry, baby. I'll always be here." He said, as he let go, grabbing her hand, and going inside
Namine's Mansion.

---

You're So Last Summer
Part Three: Melt The Snow​

Namine was lead inside her Mansion, the lights still on from Axel and Larxene. They seemed to have vacated the room, unknown where they were. Roxas was then turned around, taking off her jacket, the door leading outside closing automatically. Namine's skin was warm from the jacket, but getting goose bumps from Roxas's touch.

As soon as her jacket was off, Roxas had his hands around her waist, pulling her closer. She felt her face heat up in embarrassment, as well as arousal to Roxas's attachment to her. She looked up at him, as he had a sweet smile upon his face. He leaned down to kiss her, making her grin unconsciously.

Suddenly, a voice was heard cursing, as something was dropped and the sound of glass breaking was heard. Namine jumped, as she turned, Roxas still holding her.

"W-What was that?" She said fearfully, Roxas taking her by the hand, walking towards the Dinning Room, where it came from. Namine's stomach churned and jumped as Roxas lead the way again, peeking his head inside, making a face of confusion.

"Larxene?" He asked, stepping inside, pulling Namine in as well. Namine's dress strap was halfway down, her blush still visible, seeing her friend trying to pry open the painting where her family's treasures were held. Namine felt a gasp fall through her lips, as Roxas was getting more and more upset by the minute.

"What are you doing here?!" He yelled, Larxene stunned by the surprise of her doing that. She rolled her eyes, walking out of the room, out the door. Namine still stood there, unable to move.

"She has some nerve." He said aloud, mumbling some curses and insults under his breath, letting go of her hand. Namine looked at the painting, a portrait of her family, before her parents died a couple of years ago. She still mourns them to this day.

Namine felt the feeling to move come back to her as Roxas was ranting still, saying that he was going
to tell Axel tomorrow, as soon as the Cops were out of the woods. Namine only nodded, walking towards the wall Larxene was standing against moments before. She touched the wall with her fingertips, feeling the dents she made trying to pry the painting open. Roxas was still ranting as she knocked on the wall again, making the familiar keyboard appears again. She tapped the same sequence of numbers yet again, making the painting open.

Namine peered onto the safe's door, not one scratch on it. She touched the knob, turning it slowly now, suddenly panicking that she couldn't remember what numbers to do. She inhaled, closing her eyes. Roxas was quiet now, behind her. She suddenly moved her hands, the safe opening after a few seconds. Roxas did the same sigh of amazement that Axel did before, as she checked to see if everything was there. She checked twice actually, seeing everything was there. Including pairs of earrings.

"Everything's here." She said softly, her voice surprisingly calm. Roxas seemed relieved, as Namine closed the safe and painting. She turned, seeing Roxas looking at her in a dumbstruck way. She felt like saying something, but felt the silence only added to the moment. Suddenly, Roxas leaned into her face, closing his eyes. Namine felt like this was a perfect moment, leaning in, closing in the gaps.

The sensation quickened through her veins, as Roxas put his hand on her cheek, holding her face with both hands now. Namine responded to putting her hands around his neck, grabbing some of his spiky hair with her right hand. She felt a moan escape her throat, Roxas pulling back. His hands reached for her back, pulling them closer.

"Let's take this upstairs." He said smugly, a smile reaching through her eyes. Namine nodded, her arousal being uncontrollable. He let go of her, taking a lead, leaving the room. She was left in the Dinning Room, watching him leave the room gracefully, as if his feet were ballerinas.
Namine sighed with the love oozing through her pores. She felt like rubber as she walked through the room, into the main living room of the Mansion. Roxas was waiting at the stairs, looking worried.

"What took you so long?" He asked the worry in his voice. Namine shrugged, her eyes looking up at his, with a soft smile pulling her lips. Roxas nodded, letting Namine go upstairs first. She grabbed the banister, hoping it would help her get up there, seeming her legs would give out from the tingling sensation in her stomach.

They soon reached her room, where Roxas entered last. He closed the door behind them, Namine turning to see her lover. She saw the hunger in his eyes, the need for her. She smiled back as he looked her over, her arm reaching over to hold the other one. Her right dress strap was falling over, and her dress was tilted the left. Her figure has gotten a little smaller, yet her dress is tight around her curves. Roxas however, was dressed with long sleeves, with his usual black jacket over it. He still had his old khaki pants, getting a little shorter on him since he was growing taller.

"So, as we were," Roxas said in a silly way, stepping towards her. Namine felt her heart skip a whole five seconds, as he connected them again with his lips, putting her against the wall behind them. She felt trapped, but she wanted to by Roxas. She suddenly felt his tongue dart into her own mouth, making a moan escape the silence again. She closed her eyes, her back arching in pleasure.

Namine put her arms around his neck once again, their bodies getting awfully closer. Roxas pushed against her, as his hands tugged at her dress. She knew what he was demanding; shrugging off the other strap that reluctantly fell off. Roxas pulled back from the kiss as his breathing was more short, and he started to pull down her dress. Her hips were holding up the bottom half of the dress, making her wiggle some as it fell to the floor, leaving her with her bra and underwear on.

Suddenly there was a slam of the doors downstairs, and cry for Namine's name. Namine jumped, as
Roxas looked up at Namine in a frantic way. He knelt down, getting her dress over her once again, feeling a bit embarrassed in the sudden outburst. There was another cry for Namine, as it sounded like Kairi.

Roxas leaned in for another kiss, Namine granting it, as he held her for a second. Namine felt her stomach flip as he looked her deeply, his breath still short from his arousal as well.

"We're going to do this. Even if she's here." He said, a laugh escaping from his throat. Namine giggled as the doors behind them opened, Kairi's face covered in tears, her hands covered in blood. Namine jumped from the scene, Kairi screaming Namine's name.

"Namine! Please! Help us!" She cried between gasps for air, as Roxas moved out of the way for Namine's help. She stepped in front of Kairi, Kairi grabbing her as she hugged her.

"What happened?" She asked hugging her back, her face in confusing as Kairi's hands now stained her white dress. Roxas was against the wall, glaring at her bloody hands. He was speechless.

"There was an accident, Sora is really hurt, I ran here all the way from-" Kairi continued, but it was drowned in the crying from her.

"Did you get help?" Namine asked, the sentence fragments still sticking in her brain. Accident, Sora hurt, Running all the way from, Namine's thoughts running through her head at a million miles per hour. Kairi continued to cry, shaking her head, as Namine felt Roxas push them towards the bathroom down the hall.

"We should get you cleaned up." He said, his voice seeming a bit feared in the background, but calm mostly. Namine felt a lump in her throat, as Kairi let Namine go, but Namine still held her side, helping her to the bathroom.

"Kairi, where did it happen?" Namine asked, helping her out of her shirt. It was bloody as well.

"It was at my house, I just can't believe..." She said, her hands cupping her face now, making her forehead and cheeks bloody as well. Namine nodded back at Roxas, who was already reading her mind, running down the hall, down the stairs. He exited the Mansion, running down the road, trying to flag down a car passing by.

By now, Namine had Kairi completely naked, turning on the shower. She still had the bathroom door open, as Kairi sat on the toilet, the seat's cover closed. She was cupping her face, crying loudly, as Namine tried to calm her down.

"Everything will be alright, hon'." She assured, as she checked the shower's heat. It was still too cold. Kairi was still crying, shaking her head.

"There was so much blood..." She said aloud, as Namine was turned, the water finally hot enough. Namine lead her to the shower, where she was put in. She was still crying, but when the water hit her, she calmed down some.

"I'm going to get you some clothes. I'll be right back." Namine said gently, as she exited the room. She went into her room once again, seeing the past event in here. Her memory seemed like a dream, but then was interrupted by Kairi's cry. She looked back, hearing it turn faint now, as she opened the closet that she was just against with Roxas.

She grabbed a new dress for herself and a jogging suit for Kairi. As well as under garments for her, since she didn't want to let her re-wear her own. Namine then exited the room quickly, seeing Kairi calm now, getting out of the shower. She was clean now, no blood, only on the drain in the shower. Namine mentally thought to get that cleaned up tomorrow.

"Here, put this on." Namine said, handing her clothes, as well as a towel. She suddenly heard the phone ring downstairs, making her look back. She looked a Kairi, said that she was going to be right back, as Namine ran down the stairs, almost tripping twice. She finally reached the phone at the fourth ring, when she picked it up out of breath.

"...Hello?" She answered, trying to breath calmly. Roxas answered the sound of sirens in the background. Was it an ambulance?

"Is everything alright?" Namine asked, hearing voices in the background.
"No, Sora is really hurt." Roxas answered, frantic in his voice as Kairi walked down the stairs, water dripping from her hair.
"Where?" Namine asked, sounding helpless.
"There's a gunshot wound, and a stab wound. I think I already know who did it." Roxas sounded, rage in his voice now. The sirens in the background grew louder, then lower, sounding like he was in an ambulance too.
"Is he still...?" Namine asked, not wanting to say the next word, not even wanting to think it.
"I... don't know." He answered, sounding glum now.
"I'm taking Kairi to the hospital now." Namine explained, as she was about to hang up the phone.
"Is she alright?" Roxas asked, hearing voices in the background wanting him to get off the cell phone.
"She seems to have bruises, but nothing else from what I see. She won't say much." Namine answered, telling him she had to go. She wanted to get to the hospital before they did, so she can help. He agreed, saying his goodbyes. Namine hung up, turning to see Kairi in front of her, about a yard away.

"Is he alright?" Kairi asked, sounding depressed, but hopeful. Namine looked pained to see Kairi's face look upset. She was practically her sister, maybe even so.

"I... don't know. We have to go though." She said, as she opened the door to the outside. The freeze stung her face, realizing that she hasn't changed her dress, and she had blood on it. Kairi exited the Mansion, walking ahead of Namine, in a jogging outfit. It was baggy on Namine, so it was even more baggy on Kairi. She approached the car that was in the driveway, Namine telling her to get in the front seat, as she got in the Driver's Seat as well. Namine started the car, the heat turning on the same second. The radio was on a random song on her iPod, as she put on her seat belt, and looked to see if Kairi was ready.

"You ready?" She asked, seeming scared herself. Kairi nodded, tears coming to her eyes. Namine felt she shouldn't talk all that much, so she turned up her music, and exited the Driveway, heading to the street, following the 'H' sign to the nearest hospital.
---

 

Lol, Riku with a fake ID and a truck.

Anyway, except for a couple grammar mistakes, it's really good ^^.

 

Oh! Not bad at all, sweetie. Good job.

I like the descriptions of what happened at the beginning, with the mirror. And I liked the description altogether, as well. What Riku handed to Roxas--do I sense drugs? And with the characters in general, they seem very out of character, but...in a good way. xD I don't know how to describe it. I guess they just fit.

But I did notice some grammatical errors, like verb confusion, etc.

Can't wait to see the rest of it.

 

Yeah, It's late where I live, and well the later I stay up the worse my grammar is. xD

Yes, I believe what Riku handed Roxas was Drugs. Just use your imagination. I mean, I wanted to use something more out of place, since everyone is going for the emo look. I want a druggy. After reading CRANK and GLASS, I'm obbsessed with Drugs. xD

If you want a spoiler, I was thinking of;

Spoiler

Getting Riku try to do 'something' to Namine. And somehow they get into something. But; I was originally going for Namine leaving the party, and somehow stumbling upon a Ghost; that follows her home. :sideways:

 

Nice story hun <3

At first it was a bit jagged to read D: But as the story progressed it got a little smoother ~

You need to extend your vocabulary if your gonna write, though. You repeat the same noun over and over, which is annoying, for example, look how many times you wrote "door" in the first paragraph @_@

But good effort. I liked the way you built up character for those involved. 8D

 

Way to spam, hun.

This is a very nice story, some words look mispelled to me, though D:

Did you use spellcheck?

I hope this has more to it, I really like it :3

 

Not bad at all. I'm curious to see why Roxas is acting strange...which is a good thing! That means you got me into the story, which isn't easy to do. Keep up the good work, and listen to the other critics; they offer some good advice. =)

 

I absolutely love it, Rissy! =D
I kind of see how you said Namine reminds you of me, lol.

It's awesome, I like how you describe things in such great detail. Though some of the paragraphs are really long but there's nothing wrong with that. Can't wait for chapter two!~

 

Okay, well I just updated by adding another Chapter.

Thanks to RieRen, for helping me with an idea for how the party would end. I'm trying to continue with it, just PM me for ideas.

I didn't do spell check on either of them, because I'm lazy. But if it's that bad, I'll get something done.

Thank you everyone for Critics, and I'm taking them as well as I can. <3

 

Good update, girlie. The story became all the more interesting.

But the spelling and grammar mistakes are still there. Make sure the next time you post you don't feel as lazy so I don't go all Grammar Nazi on you, 'kay? ;D

 

It was a good update, but you really gotta be careful with the grammer and spelling; it takes away from the story in my opinion. Other than that...great writing, and I can't wait to see more. =)

 

Nice job on the second chapter, though I couldn't help trying to figure out who Riku reminded me of, lol.

The some of the spelling needs to be fixed and some grammar checks but it is still good. Also the ending seemed a bit rushed in my mind. Great beer run XD

 

Super Bump: I know this seems rather idiotic, but I decided to continue with this FanFic, sense I'm planning to post it on FanFiction.net.

UPDATE: I posted Chapter Three, and I editted all of them, added some things, and deleted some.
Please read. <3

 

I really like this.
It's very detailed in the first paragraph.

[:

Write more!

 

I liked it even it seemed a bit too out of character but it was very good! ^_^
Maybe you could check spelling and grammar but other than that it was awesome!! 8DDD