Riku Nothing seems the same anymore Ever since that fateful night... Things...have changed. For him. For me.. For her... All of us were pulled apart by the darkness She lost her heart, and was just an empty girl He kept his light And me... Heh, me? How can I even explain me? Where can I start? I guess...all I can say is...that I put a good friend into a deep sleep and cost him his dearest memories Most that included me and her I made the girl forget all about him and she only remembered me Stupid,stupid ol' me The boy who gave in to the darkness The boy who apparently couldn't keep his light I guess...those are the titles...that...truly fit me. Me,Riku.
Ummhh, not to bad, but there are a few things. One, your poem was completely to the right *if you meant to do that then its okay* two, your poem really didn't have a rythym to it. Three, your grammar could be expanded to a bigger variety of words. Such as the line 'she lost her heart, and was just an empty girl.' You could have said 'she lost her heart, and was just an empty vessel.' Seeing as if you are empty 'nothing' so to speak, you cannot truely be defined under the category male or female. But then again that is just the ramblings of a mad teenage poet . . . besides these the poem was great. You got your point across and painted a picture to boot. Work on the weak links in your chain and soon you will have an unbreakable chain, loved by all. There it is, enjoyed it :)
You could have done this better. That being said, you could have done this a lot worse and where this ended up is good. As night said, you didn't really have a rhythm but that's okay as many poems don't really need one. He also said that you could expand on your grammar which is certainly true but your grammar is fine where it is as well. The only thing I would add is that you are simply stating the things that happened. This in itself is nothing bad, but the blatant fashion that you do it in is the problem. It's too two dimensional; a flow or a rhythm would help with this but what would really be good is to put yourself in the viewpoint of the poem and put some emotion into it. Keep in mind though that this is just a personal opinion and this is a good job overall.
